


Don’t Push Me Away

by fanfic_for_malec



Series: Don’t Push Me Away [1]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Wayland?, Alec can't forgive himself, Alec helps Magnus through acceptance, Alec wants to run away, Bartender!Alec, Businessman!Magnus, Caring!Malec, Dancer!Magnus, Dead!Alec?, Dead!Max, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Manipulation, Eventual Romance, Eventual Sex, F/M, Fluffy!Malec, Hodge is a bad man, Hurt Alec, Izzy & Jace for sibling goals, Loving!Malec, M/M, Magnus helps Alec through acceptance, Magnus wants love, Manipulated!Maryse, Manipulation turned crime, Ragnor & Catarina & Raphael for friends goals, Robert is the biggest villain of all, Valentine is a good man!, all's well that ends well, eventual wedding, promised happy ending, singer!alec, so many songs, soft!malec
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2019-01-10
Packaged: 2019-09-26 06:03:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 161,665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17136359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fanfic_for_malec/pseuds/fanfic_for_malec
Summary: Alec works small part-time jobs. Magnus has his own clothing line BANE. They met each other long ago. Magnus had already told Alec about his feelings. But Alec is reluctant. He will go to any length to avoid Magnus and all the feelings. But why?Alec will go through some stages of life and will do things that he won’t be proud of.Will Magnus finally be able to make Alec confess his feelings?Or will Alec do things that will leave them broken forever?The story is divided into 7 segments as per the 7 stages of processing grief – 1. Denial, 2. Guilt, 3. Anger and Bargaining, 4. Depression, 5. The upward turn, 6. Reconstruction and 7. Acceptance





	1. Stage 1 – Denial

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter consists of Part/Chapter-01 to Part/Chapter-25 of the Instagram posts.

**01 – Pandemonium**

Pandemonium seems like a chaos today. The famous club in New York has attracted too many people as it is the last week before New Year starts. Though it is Wednesday, the place is packed with people. Light snowfall was there since the morning. But it hasn't dampened the mood of the crowd. Raphael hasn’t gone home in two days as he keeps on checking the stocks. Raphael Santiago is the owner of Pandemonium. But he wouldn’t seem like one as he works with rest of the staff shoulder to shoulder.

Raph likes working in the club. Pandemonium is like his own baby. He takes care of the place all by himself. But he also calls himself the luckiest club owner ever, because of the staff. He’s got the best staff to work for him, he says. He’s got the best barkeep that is loved by each and every customer and also is damn good at his job. His managers and the other staffs are also of the same potential, always serving the best. There hasn’t been a single incident of 5 years success of Pandemonium. And Raphael is just proud of that.

 

**02 – Friends**

Simon was roaming around when he caught Maia’s eyes. Both Simon and Maia were now habituated with walking through the crowd without tripping over people and cause a stampede. Simon still couldn’t believe the day when he got the job of the manager at Pandemonium. He met Maia a week after he started. Maia was a newbie too but she was more of a floater. Maia excelled in making herself useful in any situation at anywhere. That sometimes made Simon’s job easier. For a club, the biggest success is the bar, or so Simon believes.

Since he joined, he’s seen the same bar manager who is also the head barkeep and that guy has been working there since the day Pandemonium started. Each and every staff can swear by the God of how glad they are to have that guy behind the bar almost every night. Sometimes Maia tends the bar with him and she knows how fluent and efficient that guy is at his job. Maia finds it weird sometimes how he charms the customer just by offering a special drink and those customers end up as being regulars just to have that drink. As much as Maia and Simon adore that guy, they have immense respect for him as well and so does Raph.

Simon raised his hand up over his head and made a motion for Maia. She glided through the dance floor and caught Simon’s arm making him walk with her toward the emergency exit door.

“What?” Maia asked.

“Did you see Raph here?”

“Boss? No. I didn’t know he was supposed to come by.” Maia frowned.

“Oh, he will, if he isn’t here yet. You haven’t got the news I see.” Simon smirked.

“What news?” Maia was worried now. “And by the way, where were you all morning?”

“That’s the news. I was running a special errand for Boss with Alec.”

“Alec? Reminds me I hadn’t seen him as well. Where did you go?”

“We had to go to this special wine collector and pick up a special bottle for Boss. I don’t know why though but I guess Alec knows.” Simon frowned a bit.

“Special wine? We celebrating something? For New Year?” Maia enquired.

“I don’t know Maia. Alec seemed to know the guy and also the reason. I didn’t ask much. I guess I was just there to give Alec some company so he just wouldn’t get bored in 6 hours of drive. And also he’s a terrible driver.” Simon pouted. It’s rare when Raph kept something in dark from Simon and Maia. If there were four people in this world whom Raph trusted with Pandemonium, that’d be Simon, Maia, Luke the security manager and Alec.

“Well, if Alec knows then maybe it’s a surprise. We will see. Let’s just get back to work before Boss catches us.” She smiled wide and winked before walking away. Simon stood there looking at her.

Maia sometimes made him uncomfortable by those stupid but cute flirty gestures. Without a doubt, she’s a great girl, beautiful, smart and independent but Simon couldn’t think why she was interested in him. Thankfully she never made a move on Simon. Because then Simon would have to break her heart. Simon wasn’t sure if he was ready to move on from a certain raven hair beauty he was in love with. Now that they were taking some “time off” from their relationship, Simon denied believing that it is gone, broken. He was so much in love with her. All he wanted is to be with her. And all that thoughts again made Simon sad. He put his hand in his coat pocket to bring his phone out. He hit the power button and the phone lightened up showing a beautiful picture of a smiling girl, his love, his amber-eyed beauty. Simon and her “complicatedly constant on and off” relationship always stopped Simon from talking about her. He was never sure of what will happen to his heart.

 

**03 – Bartender**

Alec was already at his station, dressed in all black, jeans and full sleeve shirt, rifling through all the bottles around him when he saw Maia walking away. He looked at her once and frowned because she seemed to be walking with her head down. Before he could call her or catch her attention, customers started to call him for orders. Ash, Millie and Jessie were there too but they are just interns. They couldn’t take the special orders like Alec. They were there to take the normal and simple orders. Alec looked up to them and Jessie caught his eyes. When Alec took a step toward them, she motioned her hand in a thumbs up way saying that they are good and don’t need his help. Alec smiled at her and turned to serve a few giggling girls who already seemed drunk.

“Hello, ladies. What can I offer you tonight?” He smiled as sweetly as possible but still kept his distance. Three girls giggled heavily as one of them came in front to talk to him.

“Well, can you offer yourself?” she smiled and the rest of them giggled hard.

Alec could only smile back but he was rolling his eyes inwardly. He hated customers like this who knew no bound. And looking at them, the girls seemed hardly out of school or maybe in college. It actually worried Alec most of the time when people drink so much without knowing their limits. But who was he to judge kids or people, when he himself was a lightweight.

“Sorry ladies, I’m off the list. Maybe I can offer you one of my specials though?”

“‘Your’ special? Will you make it for us? By yourself?” She was slurring lightly.

“Yes.”

“Okay then. Three of ‘your’ special.” Alec turned back to make something more fruity and less alcohol when he heard them giggling again. He wanted the girls to be enough sober to reach home safe. When he was done he put three pinkish orange cocktails in front of them and the girls took them happily and walked away after a wink, a flying kiss and a flirty sip. Alec smiled but when they were out of sight, he sighed heavily rolling his eyes. “Shut up, Ash.” He said when he heard Ash laughing from behind.

The evening went on smooth but Alec was worried about the special wine he picked up earlier that day. He was waiting for Raph to show up or ask Simon or Maia about Raph but he saw nobody.

 

**04 – Boss’s errand**

He got busy with other customer but he turned around when he heard Raph.

“Oh thank goodness. I’ve been waiting for you all evening.” Alec said when he saw Raph occupying a chair with his friend.

“Hey, Alec. How was the drive? You got the bottle?” Raph was ever polite.

“It was good Raph and yes, I got it.” Alec smiled big.

“Great.” Raphael nodded happily.

“Hey, Alec. Thank you so much for taking all the trouble for me. I don’t know what I’d without you.” Alec looked at the guy who sat beside Raph and he smiled at him.

“It’s my pleasure, Mr. Fell. I’m happy to be able to help you. And by the way sir, I must say, it’s a great choice. I’m sure she’ll love it.” Alec added.

“Damn Alec, I want her to love the ring, more than the wine, man.” Ragnor joked and they all laughed merrily.

“I’m sure sir your choice must be excellent.”

“Anyway Alec, I just wanna say that I know I gave you a lot of trouble today. But I couldn’t possibly trust Simon when I have you…” Raph started to speak but Fell cut him, “I totally agree with you Raph.”

Alec just smiled. More than anything, he was happy that the wine was being used in an excellent cause. “So, Ragnor has another idea and I was thinking maybe you could help.”

“Anything, sir.”

“Okay Alec, you’ve been working with me for 5 years. How many times do I have to ask you call me by my name?” Raph always got annoyed when Alec called him sir, whereas everyone else calls him Raph or Boss.

“Sorry Boss. What’s the idea?” he asked Ragnor.

“Okay, so I was thinking maybe you can put the ring in her glass when you serve her? And when she’ll drink it she’ll find the ring. How about that?”

“It’s a great idea, sir.”

Ragnor and Raph looked at each other smiling. Raph gave him a slight nod when Ragnor brought out a blue box to give to Alec. Alec took the box and put it in his pocket.

“Keep it safe. And you gotta ditch calling me sir as well. It's time you start calling us by name, Alec. And thank you.” Ragnor smiled sincerely.

“I’ll guard it with my life, sir… Um, Ragnor, until she gets here.” All three laughed happily.

 

**05 – Introduction**

Ragnor Fell and Raphael Santiago were old buddies. Alec has always seen the four of them together, like old friends. Though he wasn’t sure how they met each other it’s time Ragnor step up and propose Cat, Alec thought. He’s noticed these friends over the years. He saw how Cat and Ragnor look at each other and how happy and free and content they feel with each other. It’s a love story in a form of a great friendship. And Alec was happy to be a witness and a helping hand to the beginning of a new chapter of this love story. Alec really hoped Cat would say yes to Ragnor. He shuddered to think how he’d manage three drunken men without Cat. Alec was patting his pocket which contained the ring and thinking all these when he saw the fourth of the group on the dance floor.

Alec couldn’t take his eyes off, like every damned time. In all four, this one was the dancer. Probably the best dancer Alec had ever seen. Alec stared how his hips moved with the rhythm, how his color streaked hair bounced with every move, though he couldn’t see what color streak he put on this time. Alec noticed he was wearing a tight black pant which defined his ass like always and a wine red silk shirt which clung him on every curve of his body. He could see a couple of necklaces dangling from his neck and a few girls and guys grinding their asses around him.

Though this guy didn’t seem to notice or care those people around him. He just moved his body with the rhythm. Alec noticed the song that was on. It was as if the song was explaining the words of his mind, “I’m in love with your body, every day we’re discovering something brand new, I’m in love with the shape of you.” Alec could see he had his eyes closed and for that he was happy. Alec never wanted to be caught staring at him. He peeled his eyes away from that dancing Greek God when he heard Cat calling him.

 

**06 – Catarina Loss**

“Hello, Ms. Loss. How are you?”

“I’m fine Alec. How’re you doing?”

Cat was probably the gentle most soul Alec ever met. She was always polite and friendly with Alec. She never talked to Alec like he is only a barkeep at her friend’s club. She always made Alec feel like he was her friend. Her long black hair and brown eyes always reminded Alec of someone really special. She always made Alec smile.

“I’m doing great Ms. Loss. What shall I get you tonight?”

“Oh Alec, lose the formality now, please. And smile. You look better when you smile from the heart. Not those sappy smiles you give every customer.”

And just like that, Alec laughed. She always brought out some happiness from Alec. Cat smiled with him too. At the back, in the VIP section, Alec saw Ragnor looking at Cat and him.

“Okay, Cat. Name your poison of the night.”

“You should really abstain yourself from saying that in front of Raph.” She winked and they started to laugh.

“Yeah, he might fire me, if he hears that.”

“No way, Alec. Never ever Raph would do that. Pandemonium is still here and still successful because of your hard work and Raph’s trust for you. Don’t think of it like that again Alec.” She smiled and Alec can’t stop feeling a chill in bones. Her smile always brought back some of those memories he ever tried to forget. He gave a smile instead.

“I found something special yesterday. Wanna taste some?” Alec offered.

“Special huh? Celebrating new year already?”

“Nah, this one just reminded me of you. I know you’ll like it.”

“Well then, let’s try some.”

They smiled at each other and Alec turned back to get the wine bottle. He smoothly poured two glasses and slipped the ring in one. He took the glass with the ring to Cat.

“Here you go. Have a sip.”

“Whoa, Alec. You seem excited. It has to be something really good.” She smelled the wine and took a sip and her eyes lit up. “Damn Alec, you’ve certainly blown my mind away.” She smiled big.

Alec smiled as well, “I’m glad. Now let’s go. Before Mr. Fell comes to find you. I’ll get another glass and the bottle.”

“Oh no. No. I’ll take those.”

“It’s my job Cat. Let me serve you.” Alec smiled and Cat understood him. Alec grabbed the other glass and the bottle and walked with Cat to the VIP area where Ragnor was sitting impatiently.

Ragnor stood up when he saw Cat and Alec coming. Alec put the glass and bottle on the table and stepped aside.

“Mr. Fell, Ms. Loss, enjoy your evening. Call me if you need anything else.” He smiled at them and Ragnor caught his eyes. While Cat was busy sipping her wine and moaning at its fruity richness, Alec gave a slight nod to Ragnor letting him know that his job is done.

 

**07 – Mr. Bane**

Alec almost reached the bar when he heard Cat’s squeal. She was bouncing up and down, obviously giddy with joy. Ragnor seemed to be happy as well. Alec saw him going down on one knee with the ring and say something. Cat looked at him through teary eyes and mouthed something nodding her head frantically. Ragnor then slipped it in Cat’s finger. She grabbed Ragnor by his shoulder and they were hugging and kissing. They seemed so happy. He saw Raph walking to them with a bottle of champagne. Alec was so engrossed seeing their happy faces that he almost jumped out of his skin when he heard someone whispering to him “Isn’t that beautiful?”

Even without turning around Alec could feel the person was standing really close to him. Their bodies almost touched each other. Alec could feel the person standing behind him had the mouth just by his ear. He felt the hot breath at his neck. The proximity was tingling Alec all over. That voice sent shivers through his body. He wanted to step away but his body didn’t oblige him. Alec stood still caught in the moment and sensuality of the person whose fingertips now lightly brushed over his arm. Alec was having goose bumps all over him. Alec closed his eyes to keep his composure but he felt the moment the person stepped away from him. Alec opened his eyes and stumbled back a step when he saw the same person now standing in front of him.

“Mr. Bane…” Alec’s voice was husky, he was out of breath.

“Alexander.” Alec’s heart did a small flip in his chest like it always does when Magnus calls him like that. Alec knew by now that Magnus says that to tease him. Alec gulped and saw Magnus’s eyes watching the movement of his Adam’s apple. Alec slowly licked his lips like he does when he’s nervous. And Magnus definitely made him nervous every single time.

 

**08 – Flirt**

“I’m guessing that’s your work, putting the ring in the glass,” Magnus whispered slowly, still standing really close to Alec’s body. Alec couldn’t find his voice so he just nodded up and down.

“So cheesy. But I like it.” Magnus smiled sensually, “Well done Alexander. They seem happy.” Magnus turned sideways so they both looked at Ragnor, Cat and Raph. Raph was pouring the champagne in flutes.

“Why don’t you join them? I’ll bring another glass.” Alec found his voice when he saw Cat looking around. He thought she was looking for her best friend, Magnus Bane. Magnus seemed to notice that as well.

“Hmm… will you join us? Just for the toast. I know Cat would love to.” Magnus was almost pleading. He looked at Alec and Alec stole his gaze away. Alec couldn’t look at those glowing warm chocolaty brown and glitter eye-lined eyes anymore and keep his mind straight.

“I can’t Mr. Bane, you know I can’t. I’m sorry.” Alec whispered. They hadn’t moved an inch.

“One day Alexander…” Magnus paused to see Alec catching his breath like every damn time. He smirked devilishly, “One day you will call me by my name.” Magnus took a step away and Alec could feel his whole body starting to relax. Magnus turned on his heels and faced Alec giving the sweetest smile he can ever give. It was something that only came on to his face when he sees Alec. “I’ve been seeing you for years, Alexander. I know you feel what I feel. I just wish you’d stop lying to yourself…” Magnus looked straight into those hazel eyes of Alec, “And to me.”

Magnus again turned on his heels and walked away before Alec could even say something. Alec sighed. He didn’t even know he was holding his breath the whole time. Alec shook his head thinking only if Magnus knew that he never lied, to himself or to Magnus, about his feelings, his heart, his desire or his love. He only never said anything about them to Magnus because Magnus was Magnus and Alec was just Alec. Even though he loved when Magnus called him by the name he stopped using years ago and it pained to hear that name again. Alec could never deny the fact that his heart swelled and flutter every time Magnus called him by that name. And also Alec couldn’t deny the reality even though his heart was bleeding every moment for Magnus.

 

**09 – Four Horsemen**

Alec called these four friends, four horsemen. Nothing unique but he gave them all different names according to their personality, just for fun. Raph is for obvious reasons named ‘the Boss’. Ragnor is a lawyer at some high-end associates. He is funny, charming, handsome, confident, the full package. He also has a reputation for being really good at his job. So he was named ‘the Nerd’. Cat is this sweet, simple, soft, smart but intelligent woman. She is caring and loving. She is also a doctor. Hence Alec named her ‘the Beauty with Brain’. And then there’s Magnus Bane. As much as Alec knew about him, as a kid, Magnus started as a dancer and then he grew to be model. But he never left dancing because that is what he always wanted to be. But he became a phenomenon when he started his own fashion line, BANE.

Magnus was this damn good dancer turned into a fashion icon. But Magnus caught Alec’s eyes by his dancing. And so Alec named him ‘the Dancer’. And when Magnus made Alec angry, the name just changed to ‘the glitter kid’. Alec would just imagine Magnus’s face when he’d call him by that name and that just simply makes him smile. Alec’s anger would vanish immediately. It’s his personal joke. He’d think of Magnus whenever he found himself in a bad place and even in through his imagination Magnus always seemed to drag Alec out in the light.

To Alec, Magnus was a person about whom one can only dream about. Being with him is a luxury that Alec couldn’t afford in his stupid petty life. Alec always thought about himself so less that he could never understand why a person like Magnus would even want to talk to him, let alone be friends or in love. Magnus’s fascination about him bothered Alec. He knew he was generally good looking, or so he was told by a certain someone and Alec chose to believe that. But the question that nagged him – was he enough for Magnus. If Alec was to take Magnus’s word for a fact, he knew that he was lying. But it wasn’t exactly lying. Alec was worried that one day Magnus wouldn’t be attracted to him anymore. Alec was worried to be heartbroken again.

But more than his own heart Alec was worried to hurt someone else, again. He could bear his own pain. But he couldn’t bear if he hurts someone again. Alec had put up this ten feet tall wall of steel around himself. He was determined to never let anyone him. And Magnus was making it harder every moment. Magnus was banging on those walls with all his might but Alec was just not ready yet to let go. Alec had no idea if he would ever be ready.

Alec never understood why Magnus wanted him. Why Magnus would want him out of all the people. Alec was scared of love. And so he never let Magnus come closer to him or talk to him. Alec’s non-existent self-confidence would never allow him to be in any sort of relation with Magnus Bane. But he also knew one thing for sure and that scared the hell out of him.

Alec finally started to accept that his heart and soul belong of Magnus. Alec is in love with Magnus Bane. He fell in love with on the very moment Magnus had walked into Pandemonium for the first time. Those chocolate brown eyes captured his soul and that smile, his heart. It couldn’t get any scarier for Alec.

 

**10 – Maia and Simon**

The night went on. Alec got busy with his work. He made sure Raph and his friends were sorted. He couldn’t look after them by himself as the crowd thickened by the minute. He didn’t even notice when Simon left or Raph left with his friends. He only saw Magnus dancing on the floor with a drink in his hand. He looked at Ash, Millie and Jessie. They looked devastated. He noticed Maia helping them. She came to him when Alec smiled at her.

“Rough night.” She said.

“Haven’t seen the worst yet. Wait for tomorrow. Or the day after tomorrow. Or the New Year’s Eve.” Alec chuckled and Maia laughed at the joke.

“Ugh… when are we closing tonight?”

“Usual time.” Alec poured a drink and offered Maia. She took it happily.

“I guess I just needed one of your tonics. Thanks, man.”

“Where’s Simon? I haven’t seen him all evening.”

“I don’t know. I saw Clary once. He probably left with her. I guess she’s having trouble with her boyfriend again. That guy’s a jerk.”

“Clary?”

“The little redhead.”

“Oh right. You know her boyfriend?”

“Seen him a couple of times. Simon’s girlfriend is his sister.”

They were talking at the same time they were getting things prepared to close the service. Maia was handing out last few demanding customers.

“Oh. Why he’s a jerk though?”

“I don’t know Alec. I just don’t like that guy. He’s really weird sometimes. And Simon’s girlfriend, she’s equally weird. They’re like always together, way too possessive about each other. I think she hates me for flirting with Simon. Maybe she threatened him to stay away from me.”

“Whoa. That’s rough. Have you talked to Simon?”

“Nah. I’m tired. Simon doesn’t even exactly state their relationship. He just introduced her to me as Girlfriend. I though like to think it’s because she scared him. I don’t know what to think, Alec.”

“I thought you two were okay.”

“I maybe am. Simon is definitely not.”

“You want me to talk to him?”

“Nah. Thanks though. I needed to talk to someone.” Maia smiled.

“Any time kid. But I’m telling you. Talk to Simon. Clear it all up before it becomes messier. You won’t want to get hurt or hurt Simon, right?” Alec patted her on the shoulder.

“No, Alec. So yeah I will talk to him. Thanks again, Alec. I always feel better after talking to you.” She walked off with a big smile. Alec’s eyes followed her only to see a very alarming scene.

 

**11 – Magnus, drunk**

Alec almost tipped off a few bottles of very expensive whiskey when he jumped onto his feet and rushed to help Ash.

“Ash! What the hell happened?” Ash was pale even before he heard Alec.

“I… I… I didn’t do anything. I swear Alec. I did not give that to him. He was just sitting here finishing his drink and I turned to tend other customers. He just grabbed that when I wasn’t looking.” Ash clutched the bottle that he was still holding close to his chest when Alec pried him out of Magnus’s strong grip, replacing Ash’s body with his own.

“Fuck… Mag… Mr. Bane, can you hear me?” Alec tried to put Magnus in a sitting position but he was just clutching a bottle of scotch in his one hand and the other hand gripped on Alec’s shirt pulling him close. Magnus had almost finished a full bottle that he stole from Ash and got very, very drunk. Magnus slowly slurred at Alec, his eyes half closed, “One day love, one day I’ll make you say my name. You’ll scream it and you’ll love it.”

Magnus was loud enough for almost everybody to hear him. It wasn’t much of news to anyone that Magnus was bisexual. He even flirted with guys at the bar in front of Alec and would introduce himself as ‘freewheeling bisexual’, whatever that means. And neither was it news for anyone that Alec is gay. That’s why they always laughed when women flirted with him. Alec turned red when he understood Magnus’s words. He really had to stop himself from putting a hand on Magnus’s mouth and stop him from talking. Ash was still terrified because apparently, Magnus had tried to kiss him thinking he’s Alec. Millie and Jessie couldn’t stop laughing. The crowd was thinning. Maia had closed the service. She came to his rescue.

“Damn. He’s out.” Maia whistled.

“Where’s Raph?” Alec asked while trying to keep Magnus at arm’s length. Magnus was almost sleepy and thankfully he was talking less.

“Gone. Left with Fell and Loss.” Luke came to them. “What happened to him?” he eyed Magnus.

“They left? Without taking him? Damn it.” Alec muttered.

“He stole from Ash.” Jessie couldn’t help but laugh.

“You’re screwed, Kid. You have to pay for that.” Luke laughed and Ash paled, even more, noticing how really expensive that bottle was.

“Stop scaring him. Magnus traumatized him enough.” Alec looked down at Magnus who now was holding onto Alec. He had his arms around Alec’s waist slowly slipping down to his ass. His face lay against Alec’s chest where he rubbed his cheek slowly to find some comfort and made a pleased sound resting his cheek close to Alec’s heart. Alec practically stood between Magnus’s legs cradling his head. Magnus was peacefully sleeping with a smile playing on his lips. For a moment Alec couldn’t take his eyes off of him. ‘Damn he is beautiful’, Alec thought.

“You’re taking him home?” Luke asked.

“Have to. Anybody know his address?” Alec looked up from Magnus.

“I know. I’ll text you. But you can’t take him home on your bike.” Maia pointed out.

“No.” Alec thought for a moment, “Luke, can we exchange rides?”

“I’d love to Alec. I’d love to ride your two wheel beauty. Here.” Luke gave the keys to Alec. With a bit of difficulty, Alec fished out his own keys and gave to Luke.

“Take care of her.” Alec said to Luke referring his bike as ‘Her’. Everybody knew Alec loves his bike like his own baby. He turned to Maia, “Text me the address.” Alec hauled up Magnus who was in no state of walking. He put one arm around his shoulder and held Magnus up by putting his one arm around his waist. “Let’s get you home Bane. You wouldn’t like papps to have your pictures in this state.” Alec gave another look at Magnus and walked him to the back door, then to Luke’s car.

“Alec… Wait.” Maia called from behind as Alec tucked Magnus in on front seat buckling him up. “You forgot your jacket and his coat.” Maia handed him a black leather jacket and midnight blue velvet coat with gold sequins. Alec put them in the back seat.

“Thanks, Maia. See ya tomorrow.” Alec got in the car and started the engine.

“I’ve sent you the address. Good night Alec. See you tomorrow.” Maia waved.

“Good night Maia.” Alec drove off.

 

**12 – Home**

20 minutes later Alec found himself in front of a huge building. He checked the address again and drove into the parking lot. He put on his jacket first and put Magnus’s coat on his shoulder. Then he got Magnus out of the car. He somehow managed to get to the elevator. Magnus’s loft was on the top floor, penthouse 2. During the ride, Magnus held onto Alec but he was having a hard time to stand. Alec held him up but it wasn’t enough. Alec took a deep breath and hoped that the lobby to Magnus’s loft would be empty and he leaned down. He put one hand under Magnus’s knees and scooped him up in his arms. Magnus somehow managed to throw both of his arms around Alec’s neck and laid his head on Alec’s shoulder. Alec shuddered lightly when he felt Magnus’s hot breath at his neck. This wasn’t his night, Alec thought, God was playing nasty games with him. He took another deep breath and walked out of the elevator. He thankfully had retrieved Magnus’s keys from his pocket before. With some difficulty, Alec opened the door and walked in.

Alec needed a moment to grasp the idea of where he walked in. Seeing Magnus, Alec had imagined that Magnus was a careless guy. But the loft was not only beautifully decorated, but it also was clean and not a single thing was out of place. The loft was elegant. Everywhere was a reflection of Magnus’s beautiful choice. Alec needed a moment to find out the bedroom. He got in and put Magnus on his golden satin sheet covered king size bed. Magnus mumbled something incoherent but didn’t wake up. Alec stared at him. Magnus looked like a kid sleeping peacefully. He looked so innocent and pure. Then Alec noticed his makeup and frowned.

Alec looked around and saw a box of wet wipes on the bedside table. He sat on the bed beside Magnus and wiped his face slowly to remove the makeup. Magnus was even more beautiful without his makeup. Alec couldn’t stop smiling. After that Alec removed his shoes and cufflinks. He put them on the table. Alec eyed the belt and thought if he should remove that also or not. Then he shook his head and leaned down to open his buckle. Magnus smiled and mumbled again. Alec slowly pulled the belt out and put the cover on Magnus. He stood there for a moment and thought what he should do.

Alec wasn’t comfortable with the idea of leaving Magnus in this state. Spending the night with Magnus without his consent also didn’t seem a good idea. But he decided when he saw a rocking chair beside the dresser and then at the clock. It was almost 3 in the morning. Alec dragged the chair in front of the bed and sat on it. He stretched his legs on the bed-foot. It wasn’t much comfortable but Alec didn’t plan on sleeping either. He ended up doing what Magnus mumbled earlier in sleep. _Don’t leave me_ was what Magnus mumbled. Somehow he drifted off watching an angel sleeping in front of him.

 

**13 – Morning hangover**

Magnus woke up when the sun hit him through the slits of the curtains. He blinked his eyes let them adjust with the light. The moment he stretched his body, he felt a throbbing headache. He knew he got a huge hangover. He dragged his body up in a sitting position and the cover fell down his body. He saw he was wearing the same shirt he had worn the night before, something to woo Alec.

Right, his brain finally started working. He was in Pandemonium last night. Ragnor proposed Cat and she said yes. They all partied hard. He remembered drinking a lot. But after that he was blank. He rubbed his eyes and wondered if his body was good enough to survive till the washroom without falling. He scooted down the bed and looked at the dresser. He saw his face in the mirror. He looked clean. He frowned at the sight because he didn’t remember coming home let alone removing his makeup. Then he noticed something. The chair was missing. He looked at the other side and he almost screamed.

But nothing came out of his mouth. The sight in front of him was something he desired to see so many nights. He’d give anything to wake up to that every morning. He smiled as he saw Alec. Alec’s head hanging back, revealing his neck, his feet on the edge of the bed, his shirt dislodged from his jeans, his jacket placed on his body as a cover.

Magnus couldn’t stop smiling and licked his lips slowly. Alec’s face was like a pure angel. His black raven hair messed up, his long eye lashes fanned out perfectly, his pale cheek and sharp jaw and his long stretched neck… Magnus gulped slowly… and then his lips, full and rosy, seemed so kissable.

Suddenly Magnus was pulled out of his reverie when Alec twitched and woke up. Before Magnus could drag his eyes away, Alec caught him staring at him.

“Good morning.” Magnus murmured slowly.

“Good morning…” Alec was disoriented but recognition and formality took over him, “Mr. Bane.” Magnus couldn’t help but notice Alec’s raspy voice. It was even sexier. Magnus gave a shy smile. “Wait… what time is it?” Alec jumped up from the chair and looked for a clock. Magnus looked back at the bedside table. It was already 10 am.

“It's 10.” weirdness creped on Magnus. He wasn’t sure what Alec wanted to do next.

“10? Shit. I have to go. I have to…” Alec suddenly stopped. He couldn’t complete the sentence.

“Be somewhere?” Magnus completed his sentence and for the first time, Alec directly looked at him. Alec grabbed the back of his neck and craned at the sides wincing slightly. He probably was having some ache after sleeping like that on the chair, Magnus thought. Magnus was hoping to offer Alec some breakfast.

“Yes.” Alec finally said. “Look I’m sorry about last night but you were unconscious. I brought you back but I wasn’t sure to leave you alone like that. So I stayed back. But I promise I stayed in the chair only. So please don’t say anything to Boss.” Alec looked down. He was mortified. He had thought about writing a note explaining things and leave at dawn before Magnus woke up. But then he overslept.

Magnus was mortified as well. As his brain registered Alec’s words, he realized that he had passed out in the club and Alec took all the trouble to get him home. Alec stayed back for him because he cared. Alec removed his makeup, cufflinks, shoes and belt as well so he could sleep better. Magnus was having a moment. Whatever Alec tried to show over the years, beneath all that he cares for Magnus and that’s a fact. It was clear as a bright sunny day. And yet that stupid idiot stood in front of him hanging his head down like he’s committed some crime. Magnus had the sudden urge to hug Alec but he restrained himself to just talking.

“It’s okay Alec. I should be the one apologizing. I gave so much trouble last night. Hell, I don’t even remember what happened. But thank you, Alec. Thank you so much for bringing me home.” Magnus tried to choose his next words very carefully. He didn’t want to scare Alec away like every time. “For taking care of me. For staying back for me. Thank you, Alec, for caring for me.” Magnus looked at Alec, searching for those hazel eyes. Alec’s eyes shot up and met Magnus’s. They held the gaze for some time.  And Magnus could see Alec was drifting away from him again. So he closed his eyes and exhaled. Alec slowly inched away to the door.

“Your keys are on the coffee table and the coat is on the couch.”

 

**14 – Magnus’s verse**

Before Magnus could reply anything to that Alec picked up his pace and was out of the loft in lightning speed. Magnus could only come to the bedroom door when he saw the main door closing behind Alec. Magnus leaned on the door frame and slid down. His headache finally making its way back.

Magnus sat in front of the bedroom door tears pooling in his eyes. Magnus still could remember the day he had seen Alec for the first time. Alec had served his one of his special which has become Magnus’s favorite now. After 3 years 7 months and 19 days, Magnus doesn’t have to ask, Alec would simply put his favorite in front of him. And yes, Magnus counted. Because he fell in love with Alec the very day he laid his eyes on that raven hair hazel eyed beauty. His headache was attacking him heavily now. Tears finally streamed down his face. He is Magnus Bane. People love him, adore him and want to be with him. A lot of people would give anything to spend time with Magnus. But he just wanted Alec, just his Alexander.

He smiled through his tears. _Maybe that’s how it’s supposed to be_ , Magnus thought, _we can never be fulfilled in our life_. Magnus achieved everything in his life, despite losing his parents at an early age. He did everything by himself. But he never found love. Magnus always found himself in trouble or in heartbreak because of this. But when he saw Alec, he had seriously thought Alec would take his pain away. He just never had the idea that Alec would replace it with some pain that’s even more unbearable.

Magnus was fucking in love with Alec. He did everything to make Alec know that. And Alec did everything to keep his distance. He even accepted that. But he couldn’t accept what Alec did last night. Magnus understood Alec enough to know that Alec would do anything but accept his feelings for Magnus. And that’s what made Magnus even more angry and heartbroken. Knowing that Alec does care for him but will never let him in was the most painful feeling Magnus ever dealt, except maybe his parents’ death.

Magnus was full on sobbing in his arms as he hugged his knees and didn’t know how long he was sitting there like that. He just looked up when he heard his front door open again. For a moment his heart lightened up thinking Alec came back but he just saw Cat standing in front of him glaring and Raph behind her, a bit uncomfortable. Magnus frowned at first. But from Cat’s hands-on-hips posture, he understood what was about to go down.

 

**15 – Cat kicking ass**

“What the fuck have you done Magnus Bane?” Cat hissed through her teeth.

“And good morning to you too. Welcome. To what do I owe this pleasure?” Magnus mocked and stood up. He made his way to his kitchen, very much aware of Cat and Raph following him as well. He went to turn on the coffee maker but he was taken aback for a moment. Freshly made coffee stood in the pot, ready to drink. He just needed to warm it up. He almost cried again as he realized it was Alec’s doing. More than sad, he was now fucking pissed angry at Alec.

“Cut it out Mag. We asked you to come with us but you stayed back to spend time with Alec. You promised you’d be good. You fucking promised Mag. What happened to you?” Yes, as much as Magnus would love to keep his love for Alec a secret, he wasn’t able to. First Cat, then Rag and finally Raph, they just found out. 3 years and 8 months is a long time for someone to not notice him pining after one man. They, being his best friend, promised to never approach or bother Alec about this or tease Magnus in front of Alec. Raph couldn’t do it anyway because he was the boss, even though he’d love to tease and see Magnus squirm.

“Okay, I’m sorry. I just drank a bit too much. I lost control I guess. Watching Alec being flirted by every single customer, men or women, is not fucking easy. He just smiles so sweetly at them.” Magnus huffed.

“You lost control? You lost control! Buddy, that’s not what you call losing control.” Raph finally spoke.

“What do you mean?” Magnus frowned and asked. He still hadn’t told them about him passing out. And that realization paled him. ‘Fuck, Raph knows’.

“Mag you passed out on my barkeep. You stole a full bottle and almost finished it. You traumatized Ash. That kid fucking wants to leave. I had to give him 3 vacation days full paid, now, just before New Year. And that’s not all Mag. You tried to kiss that kid. You tried to kiss Ash thinking he is Alec. Alec drove for 6 hours to find that wine for Cat and Ragnor and then went through 6 hours of shift without any break. And then he had to get your drunken ass home.” Raph said as slowly as possible. Cat just glared at him and he was totally utterly shocked. He had no recollection of what he did to Ash and he really felt ashamed. He knew Ash is a good kid. And what he did was really wrong.

“Oh my God.” Magnus lost his balance and leaned on the counter.

“I knew Alec would never tell me any of this. So I went in earlier and others were really chatty without Alec telling them off. I just don’t know what to tell them. I kinda feel bad you know. We always try to avoid situations like this with our customers but a friend of mine doing this kind of things is really disappointing Magnus. You’re my friend Mag but they work for me. I have to respect them. What would I do if Alec wants to resign now? For you. Tell me Mag.”

“Raph… I think it’s enough.” Cat gave him a blink. As much as those words were hard, they were true. Cat thought Magnus needed a strong dose to wake up and stop behaving like an uncontrolled brat.

“Raph, I’m sorry. I never meant to do any of that.” Magnus was losing the balance of his body. He couldn’t bear the shame anymore. He didn’t want Alec to leave, not for him.

 

**16 – What are friends for?**

Cat held him by his shoulder and made him sit on a chair. Raph sat beside him. They all were silent as Cat went to pour coffee for them.

“Mag, when did you brew it? It’s already cold.”

“I didn’t,” Magnus spoke, his head low. He didn’t think before speaking. Raph’s words were swimming in his head. He needed that wake-up call. “Alec did.” He said before he could stop himself.

“WHAT!” Cat and Raph exclaimed in unison. That got Magnus’s attention. “How?” Cat recovered quickly. Magnus looked at them scared. He knew he wouldn’t be able to escape anymore.

“Alec stayed the night.” If it was even possible, Magnus felt more ashamed. “He took care of me.” Tears flowed down his cheek again.

“What do you mean Alec stayed?” Raph said.

“Took care of you?” it was Cat.

“You know, he tucked me in, removed my shoes and makeup. He slept on the chair.” Magnus couldn’t meet their eyes.

“He was here until you woke up?” Cat asked unable to understand what exactly happened.

“I don’t think he wanted to stay though. I think he overslept. He left within the minutes we woke up. He said he didn’t want to leave me alone in that state. He fucking slept on that stupid chair. That idiot ass made coffee for me and he wanted me to not tell all this to Raph. He fucking begged me to not get him fired.” Magnus cried more.

“Damn it Mag. I would never fire him for taking care of your sorry ass. I’m more afraid that he’s gonna resign for you.” Raph couldn’t stop himself from saying that again but stopped when Cat gave him a look.

“Magnus, I think you should go to the club tonight,” Cat spoke slowly as she put a cup in front of him.

“What? No. Never. I cannot go there and face Alec. It was already awkward in the morning.” He pleaded.

“It’s not only Alec. And God knows what else you did that they didn’t tell Raph. Maybe because you’re their boss’s best friend. But you need to go there and apologize to Ash. And Alec too, if he still wants to see you.”

“I already apologized to Alec in the morning. I don’t know if he wants to see my face again. But yes, I’ll go and apologize to Ash. That is something I can do for the kid. I’m sorry Raph. I really am. I never meant to make a mess. God, I could slap myself right now.”

“Okay. Enough. You need to drink the coffee and sober up. You’ve had enough shocks for one morning with a huge hangover. Freshen up, eat something and get some sleep maybe. You look like you could use some. And meet Raph later.”

“Yes. Thank you, Cat. Thanks, Raph. Thanks for kicking my ass.”

“I wish I could actually do it,” Raph muttered under his breath but loud enough for both of them to listen. Cat gave him a look again.

“You know he’s right Cat. Even I wish he would actually do that.”

“Do you want it? I still can?”

“Okay. Enough both of you. You can kick each other’s ass later.” She scolded both. “Right now my patients are waiting for me. You dragged me out of bed from Rag way too early. You’re gonna have to pay for that.” She looked at Magnus.

“Anything Cat, anything.”

“Good, remember that for later.” Cat smiled at Magnus while picking up her bag. Raph patted on his shoulder and then they went out. Magnus sank his head in arms again. This time he truly had fucked up.

 

**17 – Apology**

Later in the evening Magnus went to Pandemonium after doing exactly what Cat asked him to do and apologized to Ash extensively. The kid was really blushing because he never thought Magnus would personally come to say sorry. Ash smiled at him and accepted his apology. For the first time in that day Magnus was happy. At least he achieved something. But his happiness didn’t stay for long when he didn’t see Alec at his usual place. Maia was tending the bar where Alec was supposed to be. His heart sank. Did Alec really leave?

With that terrible thought, he went to meet Raph.

“Where’s Alec?”

“Hello, Magnus. I assume you’re here to talk to Ash.”

“Cut the crap Raph. I’ve already talked to him. He accepted my apology. Where’s Alec?”

“Good for you Mag.”

“Raph, where’s Alec?”

“And why should I tell you that?”

“Okay, I get it. You wanna punish me, fine. But just tell me Alec didn’t leave. He didn’t resign, right?”

“No, he didn’t. He took a day off.”

Magnus finally exhaled the breath he was holding, visibly calming down he sat on the couch in front of Raph’s table.

“Oh thank heavens. I got scared when I didn’t see him out there.”

“Hmm” Raph was busy with his iPad. He didn’t look up once at Magnus.

“When will he be back? Tomorrow?”

“Yeah. Come tomorrow.”

“Okay. I’ll go then.” Magnus was about to stand up when Raph finally looked up.

“Take rest. We’ll meet tomorrow.”

“I’m sorry Raph.”

“I know. Just take some rest.”

They said good byes and Magnus came home. He tried to march his thoughts and think about how to apologize to Alec. But there were too many thoughts jumbled up in his head and he needed to calm down. He put on his headphone and listened to some music. Music always calmed him down, especially this one.

 

**18 – Lazy days**

It was Christmas vacation so Magnus didn’t have much to do. He woke up the next morning and decided to do some drawings. He received some mails and notes from his assistant Clary. She is the same girl, the childhood friend of Raph’s manager Simon. Clary wished him happy holidays before Magnus turned down to have a night out with her and some other colleagues. He was having one of those lazy days. His mind drifted off to Alec often. The moment before Alec ran out of the loft was etched in Magnus’s memory. Magnus had a nagging feeling that Alec wanted to say something else when he said he needed to go. Magnus remembered that Alec never got to finish the sentence.

To try to distract himself and get some work done Magnus put on his the most favorite playlist. Alberto Rosende's Fragile World played in the background. Just the singer wasn't Alberto Rosende. Even after a million times listening to that, Magnus got lost in the voice of singer once again. He moved his head slowly with the beat and picked up his pencil.

As he had planned, he went to the club in the evening to talk to Alec. He saw him busy in his work and never got the chance to talk to him. Somehow Alec managed to avoid him for service as well. Magnus waited for a couple of hours but he wasn't sure what to think. But then he could never be sure about anything around Alec. That man makes a confused mess out of Magnus all the time. Finally, Magnus decided to leave and try to contact Alec some other way. Magnus had another sleepless night where he dreamt of a face of a raven-haired hazel eyed boy walking away from him.

 

**19 – Studio**

Alec was in front of the studio when he saw a very familiar car pulling in. He dashed into the side alley to see what happens. He saw a familiar yet strange getting out and walks into the studio. Alec stopped to think if he should go in or not. But then he didn’t want to lose this job. So he went in. All he needed to was to hide away from that man. Alec stared at the back of the moving figure again. He's become tall, not much as him though. He still has that silvery blond hair. He’s become muscular and looked strong. He wore casual jeans and t-shirt under his black leather jacket. Without thinking Alec chuckled. Jace still loves leather jacket. He didn’t get to see his eyes though. He wondered if they are still like liquid blue, one full and one partially. Shaking his head Alec took the back entrance to get in so he could avoid Jace.

 

Alec walked into the studio and saw Matt waiting for him.

“I’m so sorry Matt. I got stuck in traffic.” He pushed off his jacket and put it on the back of his chair.

“With your ride, it’s pretty hard to believe that Alec, but still, I believe you.” Matt chuckled as he saw Alec turning red. “Do you still wanna do this Alec?”

“I do,” Alec spoke determined and walked into another room. He saw Matt through the glass giving him a thumbs-up. He sat on the high chair and took the guitar in his hand. Alec started to hum with the tune and then he started singing. Matt stared at him wide eyed because he knew Alec was wasting his talent by singing jingles for advertisements and commercials. Alec plays guitar as good as he sings which is pretty darn good. Alec finished and looked at Matt. He gave another thumbs-up again letting him know that it was done.

“Hey Alec, sing something else, mate,” Matt asked him like he does all the time.

“What else you want me to sing?” Alec frowned.

“Something, mate, anything you like.”

“I don’t know why you always ask me that,” Alec grumbled but hummed again.

Matt recognized the song immediately.

“Escaping nights without you with the shadows on the wall/ my mind is running wild trying hard not to fall/ you told me that you love me but say I'm just a friend/ my heart is broken up into pieces/ cause I know I'll never free my soul/ it's trapped in between true love and being alone/ when my eyes are closed the greatest story told/ I woke and my dreams are shattered here on floor…”

Like every time Matt recorded it again. He wasn’t sure why that certain guy was so hell bent on getting those recordings of Alec. That guy paid him well enough for each recordings. He knew he was doing wrong but Matt sold Alec’s recordings to that guy without Alec’s knowledge. That guy even made him give it in writing that he’d never talk about this small little business to anyone, not even to Alec. Alec never knew that Matt recorded those songs.

Alec felt a certain peace whenever he walked into that room. The guitar made him let go of his emotions. Matt though always asked him to sing something else as well other than he was supposed to, Alec started enjoying singing again. Somehow while singing, Alec kept thinking about Magnus. That happened again. Alec kept thinking about Magnus and sang _Why not me_. He came out of the studio.

“Are we done? How was it?”

“It was great Alec, such a joy to hear you. I’m telling you, mate, let me record one of these and send it some record company. I’m damn sure they’ll love it. You’re wasting your talent by doing this.”

“Thanks, Matt but it is okay. I’m not doing this for recognition or something. I’m doing this because it doesn’t bother my other jobs and you pay well. I love to sing but I’m not sure if I wanna be a fulltime singer.”

“As you wish man. Here, your last payment.” Matt gave him an envelope, “Come by Thursday and I’ll give you payment for this one.”

“See me next week and I'll get your next payment.”

"Thanks, Matt. Call me if you got something."

"Will do for sure, mate.”

Alec came out of the studio putting on his jacket and almost stumbled into a girl. He caught her by her arms before she fell.

 

**20 – Meeting Redhead**

“Oh, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Alec finally got a glimpse at her face through her fiery red hair.

“No, no. It’s okay. I wasn’t seeing.” Alec held her till she was stable on her feet and looked at his face, “Thanks… Alec?”

“Do I know you?”

“Well, I guess not properly. I’m Clary. Simon’s friend. You work with him in Pandemonium right?”

“Oh. Clary. I’m sorry, I didn’t recognize you. I saw you with Simon sometimes but we never met I guess.” Alec smiled politely.

“No, we didn’t. But I saw you working and Simon talks a lot about you. He says you’re a great friend.” Clary smiled back. Alec just blushed.

“Ah, well, are you okay? You aren’t hurt right?”

“No, no. I’m fine. You’re going in or out?”

“Out.”

“Let’s walk then, shall we?”

They walked to the front gate in silence.

“Shall I drop you somewhere?” Alec asked out of politeness.

“Thanks. But my boyfriend is here to pick me up. Nice to meet you.” Clary took Alec’s hand shook before walking away.

Alec saw her getting in the same car he saw earlier when he was getting in. It was Jace’s car. She got in Jace’s car. Clary is Jace’s girlfriend. Alec suddenly remembered a talk with Maia. _That guy’s a jerk... he’s really weird sometimes…_ That time Maia was talking about Jace, if not Clary changed her boyfriend with Jace since Maia met them, which seemed quite unlikely. He remembered something else as well - _Simon’s girlfriend is his sister_. Well if Jace hasn’t got some new sister then Simon’s girlfriend is Izzy.

Alec’s eyes widen as he understood it all. He was so much shocked that he didn’t even notice when Jace’s car was gone. He didn’t know if Jace saw him or not. I wouldn’t be standing here if he did, Alec thought to himself as he slowly wrapped his head around the fact that Izzy is dating Simon and Clary is Jace’s girlfriend while walking to his ride.

Alec was shaking his head in disbelief at the sudden turn of events but he needed to rush to his next part time job. It was again one of his loves, something he always wanted to do and then life happened to him. Alec put the bike on the stand at the archery range and rushed in to get ready. As a kid he loved archery and he was just happy that there was this club which teaches archery and they found him as good enough to teach archery to a bunch of kids. As much as Alec loved archery, he loved kids too and he enjoyed teaching them. The bell rang all too soon finishing the class but the point was there was no student.

Its holiday season so obviously the place was supposed to be close. But the manager had asked him to come and check the new supplies they were supposed to receive a week ago. Alec went in the shed to pack things up. The sun was already down but Alec took his time. As Ash decided not to take the leave Alec asked for one night off. He needed to stay away from the club. Though he knew one night wouldn’t stop Magnus Bane and he can’t take indefinite leave just to avoid Magnus, he asked for one night to clear his head. Raph didn’t protest.

Alec locked the shed and gave the key to the security guy. They wished each other for happy holidays and Alec went to the parking with his helmet in his hand. There was just a low powered light illuminating the parking. Through that, Alec saw a figure leaning on his bike. Before he could see the face, he heard the voice.

 

**21 – Archer Alec**

“Hello, Alexander.”

“What are you doing here?” Alec was confused and shocked to see Magnus there, waiting for him, “How did you find me here?”

“Really Alec?” Magnus arched an eyebrow. “Do you really think I know nothing about you?”

For a moment Alec wondered what else Magnus knows about him.

“Raph gave me the address. I called him an hour ago to ask if you’re at the club or not. He said I’d be able to find you here.”

“And he’s supposed to be my boss.” Alec mocked, annoyed slightly.

“And I'm his best friend. Also, I can be really persuasive when I want.” Magnus smirked.

“That, I know. What do you want?”

“Just some time… with you… alone preferably…” Magnus looked at Alec who was looking everywhere but him, “I want to talk to you.”

“So talk then.”

“Here? Come on Alec!” Alec finally looked at Magnus and their eyes meet. Magnus tried to hold his gaze but Alec looked away.

“I’m assuming you have a plan,” Alec grumbled after a sharp inhale.

Magnus chuckled, “You bet I do.”

“Tell me the address and I’ll meet you there.”

“How about I show you?”

“What… What do you mean?”

“I came here on foot Alexander. I need a ride.”

Alec looked at him perplexed. Magnus must be joking or out of mind. The cold must’ve got to his brain and finally frozen it, given the revealing sexy outfit he was wearing underneath that open buttoned jacket. Alec could clearly see a simple silk shirt under it with a pair of jeans. Magnus should've been freezing by now.

“Okay, you got me. I was joking. My driver dropped me here. Now stop looking at me like that. You make me blush.” Magnus acted cutely but it was Alec who blushed. Magnus moved to the side so Alec can get on his bike.

“Put this on.” Alec handed Magnus the spare helmet he always carries for emergency purposes. Magnus looked at it shocked and offended.

“Look at my hair Alexander. It doesn't suit me. I'm not putting that on." Magnus pouted, Alec saw new color streaks. _Is that purple glitter?_ Alec couldn't help thinking once before looking away.

“Well, you can walk then. I’m not spending the night in jail for you.” Alec smirked and saw a very reluctant Magnus snatching the helmet from his grip and putting it on. Alec almost laughed.

“Ha-ha… Laugh all you want Alec. I anyway love to see your adorable smile.” Magnus said sweetly and Alec’s smile vanishes. He turned on the bike. “…Or not.” Alec heard Magnus’s final grumble as he got on behind him.

"Hold on tight," Alec said, “I don’t want you dying on me.”

“Not funny Alexander,” Magnus grumbled as he gripped on Alec’s jacket for his dear life, “So not funny.”

 

**22 – Involuntary**

Alec turned left when Magnus asked him to and recognized the neighborhood. He immediately knew where he was going. Magnus didn’t say a word after that, just held him by his shoulders. 10 minutes later they were at the foyer of Magnus’s loft.

“You got me here. Now talk.” Alec meant business.

“Please take a seat,” Magnus pointed toward the couch with a light smile, “I’ll get us some drinks.” He walked to his liquor cabinet while swaying his hips lightly. Alec narrowed his eyes when he caught the movement. He already was regretting his choice to come there.

“I don’t drink.”

“What?”

“You heard me. I don’t drink.”

“And you’re a barkeep.” Magnus stopped in the middle of his drawing room and looked at Alec. He was still standing in front of the couch, clearly feeling out of place and uncomfortable. “Coffee then?”

“No. I’m good.”

“Tea perhaps? I think I can find some.”

“Just say what you wanted to say.”

“Okay. If that’s how you wanna do this.” Magnus poured coffee in one cup and went to sit on the couch. “Sit Alec. Please.”

Alec frowned for a moment. He wasn’t sure what Magnus was playing at or why they were back at his loft. Magnus could certainly take him to some coffee shop.

“Why are we here? At your loft? We could go to some coffee shop or something.”

“It’s cold outside Alec, in case you haven’t notice. And I’m not much fan of it. I wanted some place quiet and comfortable. If you want we can go to your place as well.”

“No. It’s okay.” Alec finally sat on the other end of the couch, putting a fair bit of distance between them.

“Why did you stay that night?”

“I think I told you that already. I didn’t feel right to leave you unconscious so I stayed.”

“So you were worried about me?” Magnus was looking at Alec but Alec was looking at his hands. He finally looked up.

“If that makes you happy then, yes, I was. Anybody would be at that situation.”

“But that wasn’t anybody, you aren’t anybody. You are Alec. You know me for years and you care for me. Why don’t you accept it?”

“There’s nothing to accept. I did what I thought was the right thing to do and if what I did was wrong then I’m sorry.”

“Damn it, Alec. I just don’t understand why you always give me that cold shoulder. I care for you too Alec. And you know that. I know you feel what I feel. I know you feel for me, Alec. Please don’t always push me away like that.” Hurt could be clearly heard in Magnus’s voice and Alec did.

“Why did you get me here?”

“I want to apologize for how I behaved that night. At the club.” Magnus spoke slowly and saw the change of expression on Alec’s face.

“You remember?”

“No. Raph and Cat told me.”

Alec was confused by now, “How did they find out?” Alec spoke slowly as if he was asking himself. Then he remembered that he didn’t ask others to not talk to Raph. He just assumed they wouldn’t. Clearly, they did. “Oh God... they told Raph...” Alec remembered he had thought he saw Magnus there the next day. But he wasn’t sure as he was busy. Magnus really was there that night.

“Yes, I went there to apologize to Ash. What I did was really wrong and I really am ashamed for that. I’m just glad that Ash forgave me.”

“Does Raph know about me staying the night here?” Alec was shocked.

“I told him, yes.” Magnus saw the panic on Alec’s face. He added, “Don’t worry. He’s angrier with me than with you. They’re actually thankful for taking care of me.”

“Raph’s not angry with me?”

“No Alec. Why would he be?” Magnus frowned. He could never understand why Alec always doubted himself so much.

Magnus inched closer to Alec. When Alec didn’t say anything Magnus got a bit more close and put a hand on Alec’s arm. Their faces were really close.

At the touch, Alec whipped his face up. He could feel Magnus’s breath on his lips. He could see chocolate brown eyes darkening with lust. Alec’s breath hitched. That simple touch was firing up every nerve endings of Alec’s body. He knew Magnus was eyeing his lips just as he was eyeing those full rosy lips. He knew Magnus was leaning close. He could smell Magnus’s sweet sandalwood musk. He knew he was too close to get away. And before his body could react anyway Magnus’s lips brushed on his. A shiver ran down his spine. Alec knew he couldn’t go back from there. He knew now his body was also leaning in, involuntarily. He kissed Magnus.

 

**23 – Seduction**

Fireworks of 4th of July were going through Alec’s body. He recognized the moment when Magnus deepened the kiss, molding his lips with his own. He knew when their lips started to move in sync, fitting each other perfectly, like they’re made for each other. Alec could taste the cherry lip gloss on Magnus’s lips. It was a heady feeling. Alec felt like he was getting drunk. He felt it when Magnus’s hands moved, one was resting on his waist and the other was on his shoulder, inching up to his neck. Alec knew he couldn’t stop. He took control instead.

Alec snaked his hands around Magnus’s waist, resting them on his broad back. He could feel every muscle and sinew on Magnus’s back. He could feel how Magnus shivered at the touch of his cold fingers. He could feel how Magnus’s body reacted to his kiss. Alec turned slowly to his side not wanting to break the kiss. It was soft and rough at the same time. Magnus was holding his neck firmly.

Alec pulled Magnus onto him. His back touched the arm rest of the couch and Magnus scooted on his lap. He could feel Magnus’s body touching his, his warmth, his chest moving against his, how they breathed into each other's air. Magnus seemed to like how he dominated the kiss. Alec pushed in for more, opening his lips. His tongue touched Magnus’s. Magnus opened his mouth letting Alec’s tongue enter. They could taste each other.

Alec was more turned on when Magnus moaned slowly but loudly. Magnus’s fingers were running through his hair and his hands were keeping Magnus close to him, holding him so he wouldn’t fall. Alec pushed Magnus back suddenly. Magnus lost his balance. He fell on the couch panting hard. A satisfied smile played on his lips.

“Magnus…” Alec shook his head in confusion. His breath was ragged but Magnus could actually see the distress on his face. Alec wasn’t happy like him. “I can’t… We can’t… do this.” Alec sat back, holding his head in his hands. He was ashamed for how he lost control. He was angry with himself that he fell for Magnus’s seduction.

“Alexander… Oh dear God… finally… you called me by my name. You have no idea how long I’ve waited for that.” Magnus was really happy that Alec finally lost control with him.

“No, no, no. This is wrong Magnus... Like it was wrong before. And every single time.” Alec ran his hands through his hair, clearly exasperated.

“Really Alec? You’re giving me that same shit again? All those kisses were wrong? Yeah, you’ve already told me that. But really you still wanna keep up with this bullshit that you don’t feel anything for me? Of all those kisses, who dragged me to the washroom stall and kissed the shit out of me, on the very first day we met?” Magnus finally blasted. “Who took me into the fire escape and pinned me on the wall? Who found it sexy-as-fuck to see me sitting at the bar and flirt with the barkeep? Who was mad jealous and served me only lime sodas so I'd be sober and stop kissing other guys? Who Alec? Who? Answer me.” Magnus rose from the couch and stood in front of Alec.

“Magnus… All of those were before I found out who you are.” Alec spoke slowly.

“Who I am? Who am I, Alec?”

“You’re my boss’s best friend. You’re the Magnus Bane. You’re way out of my league, Magnus.” Alec stood up too and faced a red eyed Magnus. Tears were pooling in his eyes but Magnus tried his best not to break down in front of Alec.

“That’s not fucking my mistake.” Magnus looked at him, his voice soft again. “Tell me, Alec, if I wasn’t Raph’s friend or if I was just a simple dancer, not the owner of BANE, would you love me? Is that the only clause for me to have you?” Magnus was breaking inside. His face was a clear mirror of the storm in his heart.

Alec was breaking too. Magnus’s question knocked the air out of him. He knew this was not the reason. Alec loves him anyway, just the way he is. Being Raph’s friend or owning BANE or being rich isn’t the issue with him. Because Alec fell in love with the man who Magnus really is, his heart and soul and smile and touch and eyes and voice and dancing and everything that makes Magnus, Magnus. Just as his past crept onto him every time he tried to feel happy and stopped him from loving Magnus, Alec realized what he needed to do. Magnus was staring at him, waiting for an answer. Alec knew what he was about to do, for that even his God wouldn’t forgive him, for that he’d never be able to forgive himself. But at the moment, to protect Magnus, to save Magnus from a demon like him, Alec needed to do that.

 

**24 – Losing control**

Magnus noticed the change in Alec’s eyes but he couldn’t grasp what. He felt fragile and broken. He was about to burst in tears and go on his knees and beg Alec for his love but something changed in Alec. Magnus didn’t even notice when he took a step away from Alec or why.

Alec put a devilish smile playing on his lips. He squared his shoulder, clenched his jaw and stretched his body. He knew he looked taller and muscular. He noticed when Magnus licked his lips involuntarily. He slowly sauntered over Magnus who was back tracking. Alec changed the direction and Magnus didn’t even notice they were entering his bedroom. Magnus’s eyes were fixed on Alec’s. Alec pushed his jacket off his shoulder and let it fall on the floor without breaking the eye contact. Magnus slowly realized what was happening but by then it was too late to stop. Something wooden hit the back of his legs and Magnus knew he was standing in front of his bed.

Magnus again licked his lips. Alec watched the way his tongue swiped over his bottom lip. It was the sign Alec was waiting for.

“I’m sorry Magnus. I’m really sorry, for what I’m about to do.” Alec murmured under his breath. But Magnus heard it. His heart beat went faster at Alec’s voice only.

“Don’t be.” It’s all Magnus could say before Alec broke the eye contact for a moment and shuffled out of his t-shirt. Magnus wide eyed stared at the Adonis in front of him. Magnus gawked at the pale smooth skin of Alec. What caught Magnus’s eyes were two tattoos, one on Alec’s shoulder just beside his neck and the other one close to his heart. Magnus never pegged Alec for someone who liked tattoo. He wanted to touch every inch of that body, with his finger and his lips. Magnus felt his body was reacting already just at the sight of half-naked Alec. Alec saw how Magnus’s pupils dilated with lust. Before Magnus could do anything Alec dropped on his knees still holding the gaze. Magnus inhaled sharply, surprised at the swift movement.

Alec kept his eyes on Magnus. His mind was on an override. He tried to think straight and concentrate on what he was supposed to do. Magnus’s eyes reflecting lust and pleasure kept him at the bay. Other than that Magnus wasn’t making it any easier for him to keep the control.

Alec slowly reached Magnus’s belt and pried it open and then the button of the jeans. Magnus was breathing hard already. He definitely wasn’t expecting this and the curiosity of what Alec’s gonna do next was making him more aroused. Without even looking down Alec slid the zipper down and hooked his fingers on the belt hoops. Magnus smiled at him and Alec slid down the jeans barely touching Magnus’s caramel skin. Alec could see his member was twitching slightly. Without giving another second to Magnus to prepare himself for the next, Alec pulled down his navy blue boxer. And the next second Alec took him in his mouth.

Magnus gasped loudly. His mind was spinning at first but the moment Alec’s lips touched his member, his mind went blank. Desire took over his body. He moaned and moaned in pleasure at the slow torture of Alec’s hot lips and tongue. He tried to hold Alec’s head to try to control his pace by grabbing his hair but Alec got hold of his hands. He captured Magnus’s both wrists at his back in his vice like grip. With the other, Alec held his hip. It turned on Magnus even more. Magnus barely stood still on his about-to-turn-jelly legs and toes curling, unable to touch Alec and frustrated at the slow pace. He reveled at the sensation of Alec’s mouth hungrily devouring him.

Magnus could feel his muscles clenching slowly, a familiar tightening in his stomach. He bit his lip to not moan too loud but it escaped anyway. He was too caught up in the moment to even form a single word. He just threw his head back in pleasure, his back arching to help his hip moving. Just the moment he thought he’d come in Alec’s mouth and he tried to say that to Alec, Magnus’s eyes flew open. He gasped loudly and his body bucked trying to find some balance. He felt Alec’s teeth grazing lightly on his hard member putting enough pressure to make him see starts and his legs went numb. He was at the brink of exploding inside Alec’s mouth when Magnus felt the cold air on his member. He opened his eyes, distracted and confused and saw Alec just staring at him, spit and drool glistening on his lips.

 

**25 – Denying desire**

“What the…” Magnus couldn’t finish his sentence as Alec stood up with a grace of a panther and stood in front of him. He was lost in those hazel eyes again and didn’t notice when Alec opened the button of his own jeans. “Let me…” Magnus was cut off again with a light push. His plopped on the bed. Alec towered over him like a God.

“You’re a Dom huh!” Magnus smirked sexily. Alec didn’t smile. He just looked down at Magnus who inched back on his ass. Alec got on the bed straddling Magnus, each of his legs at each side Magnus’s hips. Magnus smiled again. Their bodies so close and yet so far.

Magnus was right about one thing though. This Alec was actually dominant Alec. It wasn’t the first time someone called him that. His previous partners always called him that and loved this side of him, when Alec took charge like that. That wild look on his face, his panther-like grace, all of it was really arousing, or so was said by his partners. Alec never thought that this alternate side of him would come in handy someday like this. He always used his Dom-self for pleasure. But Magnus was going to be different, way more different.

“Do you have lube?”

Magnus reached the bedside table and handed him a bottle. Alec quickly applied some on his member. Magnus was too busy to stare at Alec that he forgot he was still wearing his shirt. When Alec scooted closer, Magnus shuffled quickly to get out of his shirt but Alec pushed him down pinning him flat on his back, both of his wrists were pinned under Alec’s grip again at each side of his head, his legs stretched apart by Alec's knees.

Using his hip and knees Alec guided his member to Magnus’s entrance and slowly teased him. Magnus closed his eyes in pleasure and Alec breathed once, calming his heart down. _I’m so sorry Magnus,_ Alec thought in his head again and eased in slowly. Alec didn’t want to hurt Magnus, not more than necessary.

Before Magnus could breathe and get used to the warm pleasure and fullness of Alec’s member inside him, Alec started to move, making it quick and rough. Though Magnus’s mind was blank, he could understand by the pace that Alec wanted all the pleasure for himself.

“Ahh… Alec… Ahh… Kiss me… Alec… Please… Baby… Kiss me…” Magnus moaned breathless, his eyes closed. Alec kept staring at him.

“Magnus, open your eyes. Look at me. Look what I’m doing.” Alec tried to not make it sound too rough. Magnus’s eyes flew open. Hazel eyes met chocolate brown. Magnus’s eyes were full of lust and pleasure and love. While small smile played on Magnus’s lips, daggers were twisting themselves in Alec’s heart. _Maybe it was a really bad decision_ , Alec thought but there wasn't any way for him to go back. On the other hand, Magnus was having the best night of his life.

Magnus never got the kiss he begged for because Alec was busy pounding on him. He arched his back and pushed back with his hips to get more but Alec held his hips and stopped him from grinding. His hands were still in the grip. Magnus felt the rush again. He moaned deep, slow and long.

“God… Ahh… Alec… Alexander…” Magnus was finally getting frustrated by not being able to touch Alec.

Alec purposefully kept the distance between their bodies. He tried to have as less contact as possible, nothing more than necessary. Desire was running through his veins, his hands itched to touch Magnus's caramel skin and worship that beautiful body. But he remembered with all his will to keep his control, hating himself more and more with every thrust.

Magnus had his eyes screwed shut again. Alec could feel Magnus’s body shaking, trying to arch out of his grip by twisting his wrists and throwing his head back, buckling his legs, stretching and exposing his neck. His caramel skin shined with sweat beads, his hair tousled. Magnus was trying to achieve the ultimate pleasure by release. Alec dragged it up until Magnus was at the edge. And at that moment Magnus called his name again between pleasured moans, “Mmh… Alexander…”

It was enough for Alec. Memories swamped him slowly. Alec pulled out.

 

 _ **To be continued...**_  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment, if you want.


	2. Stage 2 – Guilt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter consists of Part/Chapter-26 to Part/Chapter-50 of the Instagram posts.
> 
> Warning - Swear words have been used frequently, throughout the chapter.

**26– Punishment**

Years of training himself to catch his breath but not showing it, worked this time like a charm. Magnus growled loudly when twice in 20 minutes he was rejected his release. Magnus writhed under Alec because he still didn’t let go of his hands, his eyes screwed shut. Alec closed his eyes. He couldn’t see Magnus like that. He couldn’t believe he actually did it. For a moment he was sure he wouldn’t be able to stop and his resolve will shatter and Magnus will get to him. Alec wasn’t proud, he felt the same pain Magnus felt. His whole body was on fire; of course, he rejected his pleasure twice too. His body shook as well but he clenched his jaw, it was his punishment for torturing Magnus. He finally let go of Magnus’s hands.

Magnus’s body arched once, thrashing his head from side to side, trying to shake off the discomfort but he just hissed through his clenched teeth. Obviously, nobody has ever given him the torture Alec just did. He made himself as small as possible, pulling up his knees and hugging them. But his face showed that he wasn’t getting comfortable anytime soon. Painfully Alec stood up and put on his clothes, his hard member chaffed at the confinement of boxer and jeans. He didn’t want Magnus to see him like that.

Alec finally heard Magnus sobbing when he bent down to pick up his shirt. Magnus was lying on his side, his back at Alec. He was hugging his knees, his head buried in his arms. Right now, Alec wished he had enough strength to just kill himself. _Every bit of happiness_ _has_ _its own_ _and_ _bigger price_ , he could hear a voice mocking at him.

“Magnus, look at me.” Alec sat on the edge of the bed wincing slightly at his hardness.

“Why? Why Alec? Why? What have I done to deserve this?” Magnus was full blown crying and rocking himself back and forth.

“Look at me, Magnus.” His voice stern.

 

 **27 – Hidden Demon**                          

Magnus sat straight up so suddenly that made Alec flinch. Tears were streaming down his face. Hopeless, hurt and wild chocolate brown eyes were staring at Alec desperately, waiting for an explanation. Alec gulped.

“I’m sorry, Magnus but I had to. I had to do this. I had to show you the…” Alec gulped again, “… real me. You needed to see me for me, Magnus. I’m a monster. I’m a demon. You deserve more than me. You deserve better. Love, is not love, Magnus, there’s more to it. I’m not capable of love. I can’t give you what you want. You may enjoy it for a moment but you don’t love a sadistic animal. You get away from them. I’m not something on what you waste your life. You can do better, Magnus. You know that you deserve more. You deserve someone who will love you as much as you love them, who can give you what you want. Cause Magnus, you’re an angel and you deserve the world and more. And I can’t give you that. I’m sorry I had to show you this way but…” Alec gulped down the bile that was rising on his throat, slowly choking him, “…I had to.”

Magnus was staring straight at him through his tears that made Alec seriously uncomfortable. He flexed his fist so his nails would bite in his palm more. He concentrated on that pain than what he was inflicting on Magnus. Alec was pretty much sure he’d never be able to forget the look on Magnus’s face at the moment. That look will haunt him till his last breath and will go to his grave with him.

“You don’t know me, Magnus. You know nothing about me. There’s a demon under this skin, a killer. I’d hurt you now than lead you on and hurt you even more. I’m just sorry.”

Magnus was still staring at him but his sobbing was slowing down.

“I should go now. Stay safe, Magnus.” Alec got up and walked out of the room. He grabbed his jacket on the way. He still couldn’t believe he made through all that without crying, losing control or confessing his heart out. Alec wasn’t proud. He just hated himself. He had hated himself all his life but hurting Magnus, like that, was the limit for him. He knew he has really turned into the monster, the animal he told Magnus about. He couldn’t do anything in his life that could make him hate himself more than this. Alec was just about to open the door when he turned back once as if the last time he wanted to see what he had done and etch it in his memory for life. A sudden whirlwind pinned him on the door, long slender fingers clasping around his throat.

 

**28 – Shock**

“Magnus!!!” Alec shook himself away. Magnus was clearly too emotional to get a grip. He was standing in front of him. At least he was wearing his... blue, oversized silk pajama?!

“What the fucking hell do you think of yourself?” Magnus was yelling at the top of his voice. Alec was quite shocked at the reaction.

“Do you really think I’m a fucking dumb? Or do you think I don’t own a brain? Or did you seriously think you can walk out just like that after saying some shit that doesn’t even make sense?” Magnus was glaring at him through his teary red eyes. Alec was confused and thought that his raspy silky voice will break if Magnus kept on yelling like that. But he was too stunned to say something.

“I… I…” Alec tried to speak.

“Oh save it, Alexander, I really don’t wanna hear your petty explanation. Because you’re right. I don’t know you. You’re not the Alec I know. You’re not the Alexander I fell in love with. You’re not the man who put everyone else before him. You’re not the angel who has the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen even though he smiles rarely. You’re not the barkeep who water downs the drinks so youngsters, kids won’t get drunk too much or get in trouble. You’re not the stupid hopeless liar who stares at me while I dance thinking I won’t notice. You’re not the friend who lunges in to save another friend from getting kissed by a very drunken stupid customer. You’re not the person who got the unconscious me home that night and slept in a fucking chair and also made coffee because, that man, that Alec, my Alexander, fucking cares.” Alec flinched as if every line hit him like a knife stabbing and twisting in his heart. Magnus took a deep breath and stopped yelling. “You, right now, here, is a horrible person.” He finally mumbled which hurt Alec more than the whole yell.

Magnus took a few steps back and put his hands on his knees bending down panting rapidly. Alec just stood there staring at him. _I destroyed Magnus_ , he thought.

“Damn.” Magnus spoke through his rapid breathing, “For a moment you got me there. Damn if I didn’t know you enough and wasn’t having all these emotions running through me, I would’ve actually trusted you. You’re a damn good actor, gotta give you that. Though I still don’t understand how you were able to stop.” Magnus was ranting.

 _Shit_ , was all Alec could think before he heard Magnus again.

“You really thought I’d fall for that. I get it. You wanted to punish me. You did it. But at least for heaven’s sake stop fucking lying, to me and to yourself.” Magnus looked up at Alec, his eyes were glassy and tears stained his cheek. “Remember when I told you “When things get crazy, don’t push me away”? When I promised you that I’d always be there for you? When I told you I love you? Because I frigging do. I remember them. And I’ll still say the same. I’ll repeat those for you until you start believing them. I do Alec…” Magnus stood straight and walked to him, “I do fucking love you. And I’ll always love you, whether you like it or not and whether you want it or not. Because love is love and it’s all. It’s all one need to get through life. I don’t want the world, Alec. I want you, only you. I know you’re not the person who just did that to me in there. I know you’re more than that. And I also know there’s more than this, to this whole… thing. I know you love me. And I don’t need a proof for that. I can see it in your eyes and all those songs you sang in Matt’s studio.”

 

**29 – Elaborated Plan**

Alec was utterly shocked. How did Magnus know about the songs in Matt’s studio?

“You’re shocked?” Magnus cocked an eyebrow and smirked, “Well since I saw you getting out of Clary’s yoga club, I had to find out why you were there. I highly doubted you were into yoga. So I went there one day and found out that that’s an office building. There’s also a dance club, art club and a private music studio. I naturally thought you might be in the art club but I was disappointed. Then I went to the music studio and met Matt. He told me you sing songs for commercials. I made a deal with him. He’d make you sing different songs and I’ll pay him for each recording of yours. It worked like a charm. I have a sort of collection now.” Magnus was smiling. Alec stood there gobsmacked. He had no idea about any of this. “Your voice is what makes me sleep at night Alec. And those songs… I swear if I hadn’t heard them I wouldn’t know how much you love me.” Magnus gave an awkward laugh. Alec stood still like a statue.

Magnus turned away from him and walked to the couch. He sat there slowly. Alec saw him wincing at pain when he finally sat. Alec flinched as much.

“But you know what Alec? Your elaborate plan to push me away actually worked.” Magnus was laughing but the pain was visible in his eyes, “For a moment, when I was lying there after you pulled out…” they both winced at the memory, “I did hate you. But I love you way more than that. If you really wanted me to get out of your life, stay away from you…” Magnus looked up at Alec, their eyes met, “You just needed to ask me. I’d give my life away if that made you happy. You really didn’t need to put me… put us through that.”

Alec winced and winced and winced. He wanted to hurt Magnus but Magnus hurt him a way lot more.

_“It’s you who should’ve died, you”_

_“Go away, you’re a curse”_

_“You’re a killer, you’re a monster”_

_“You can’t bring happiness, you only brought sadness”_

_“You’re a disappointment, you don’t deserve love”_

The voices echoed in his head. They all were true, so damn fucking true. He destroyed Magnus. He has destroyed another innocent pure soul. Another blood in his hands.

“Go, Alec. I’m sure you’re happy now. You’ve got what you wanted. I’m not gonna bother you anymore. You’re free, Alexander.” Magnus broke the eye contact first. He was about to cry again. The last thing Alec saw before walking out of the loft was Magnus putting his head in his hands, fresh tears slowly streaming down his face.

Alec closed the door, only one thought in his head, _I am free_. He got on his bike and drove away. Tears were streaming down his cheeks as well, slowly soaking his shirt what his helmet and jacket hid all too well. His eyes went blurry, from tears and memories filling his mind. He closed his eyes for a moment to regain focus and his hand shook. He lost his grip on the handle.

 

**30 - Flashback**

_“No, no, no, NOOOOO…” The kid screamed as loud as he could. He was thrashing in a bulked up big guy’s arms. Yet he wasn’t able to contain the long slender figure of that kid. The kid twisted his body out the grip and ran. It took two more people to finally stop that kid. They literally carried him away._

_A couple of minutes later the kid was again thrashing. But this time it was a seizure. EMTs barely saved him. It all went dark in front of the kid’s eyes. He could only hear the muffled cry of a small boy. Tears ran down his face. The kid, he tried hard to reach out but they didn’t let him. They promised him they’ll save the little boy but they didn’t, they couldn’t. His eyes and lungs burn in the black cloud but he couldn’t stop hearing the cry over and over again calling out his name, pleading for help._

 

**31 – On the menu**

Alec leaped up, his hands reaching out. He saw all bright white lights and blinked a couple of times before his eyes adjust to it. He felt a sudden pain running down his body. His whole body ached as he flopped down again and his eyes rolled back shut. Next moment there was a hand holding one of his and the other was slowly stroking his hair, shushing him lowly so he would calm down. Alec’s body relaxed when he understood the familiarity of the touch. He didn’t need to open his eyes to know who was trying to comfort him. It’s been the one and only person who cared for him enough.

“Hey, shush, shush, you’re okay, you’re safe. Shush.” The man was hugging him as much as he could do while sitting sideways on the bed and Alec lying beside him.

“Michael…” Alec tried to speak.

“Hey, I’m here. Don’t talk much. You’ve managed to sustain quite an injury, asshole.”

“Baby…”

“She’s in better shape than other times, I must say. It was mostly you who took the beating. What were you thinking, driving recklessly like that?”

“Magnus…”

“Oh God… don’t tell me you fought with him.” Michael rolled his eyes, still holding Alec close to him.

“I… I hurt him… Michael… he hates me… he should… after what… I did.” A sob escaped Alec. He was having trouble to breathe.

“Yeah? Okay. You can tell me the story later. You’ll be staying here for some time now though.”

“How long… was I…”

“Two days. I was worried, Alec. You can’t keep on doing this to me all the time. You’re all I have left.”

“I know… I’m sorry… I wasn’t planning… this time.”

“So it was an accident?” Michael craned his neck to look at Alec.

“Yeah.” Clear green eyes met hazel pair.

“Damn, you look beat.”

“Yeah?” Alec smirked as much as he could without feeling the pain, “What’s on the menu?”

Michael laughed. It was a joke between him and Alec. Every time Alec managed to do something stupid and end up in hospital, which was quite often, that’s how he asked about the injuries he got.

“Let’s see… minor concussion… bruised collarbone and a couple of ribs… and oh… a hairline fracture on left foot… not much interesting, eh? What do you think?” Michael smirked and Alec tried to laugh, only to realize it will be his death. His whole body winced in pain.

“Rib bruises, sweety. You need to keep some rain checks on laughing.” Michael chuckled softly.

“Okay” was all Alec could manage to croak out.

“How about you get some sleep and I’ll see you in the morning?”

“You really need to go?”

“You want me to stay?”

“Please… I don’t wanna dream, Michael.”

“Oh dear…” Michael scooted in closer and hugged Alec, stroking his hair, “Sleep now.” Michael planted a small kiss on Alec’s forehead and watched him drift off. Michael saw a figure standing in the corridor just out of the door. Michael smiled at her and she smiled back and then walked away.

 

**32 – On the other side**

“Damn it, you idiot. How long does it take to pick up the damn phone?” She heard the call getting connected.

“Magnus, damn it. What took you so long?”

“Cat… Slow down. What happened? It’s middle of the night.”

“Did you talk to Alec? You said you would.”

“And you needed to get me out of bed to ask that? Seriously?”

“Just answer the damn question, will you?”

“Okay… what’s wrong? You’re worrying me.”

“Magnus answer the fucking damn question, did you or did you not talk to Alec?”

“I did. 2 nights ago. He was here.”

“And since then you had no contact with him?”

“No. What is it Cat? Why are you suddenly asking about Alec?”

“How did the meeting go? With Alec I mean.”

“Well… it was… not pleasant.”

“Not pleasant? Did you two fight? Did he leave angry or something?”

“It was more like I was the one angry, Cat. Alec was quite happy, I think. But why are you asking?”

“Magnus, I need you to listen to me carefully. You need to come to my hospital tomorrow morning, as soon as possible. I need to have a serious chat with you.”

“But Cat…”

“Just do as I said. I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye.”

“Okay. Bye.”

Magnus couldn’t sleep for hours after Cat’s call. Hell, he hadn’t been sleeping for 2 nights since Alec left. Whenever he looked at his bed, he just remembered Alec’s face and it was painful to be able to sleep after that. He just cried most of the time. He got huge bags under his eyes. Magnus Bane, the man known for beauty and perfection and being fashionable, looked like a total mess. And Cat’s call just worried him more. He couldn’t think why Cat asked him to visit her at the hospital first thing in the morning. He hoped it wasn’t anything serious. A serious chat with Catarina Loss can be a real dread.

 

**33 – Dr. Wayland**

Magnus rushed to the hospital as early as he could. He was having a bad feeling about it. Cat met him near the main gate. Without saying anything Cat just led him to corridors after corridors. Magnus wasn’t sure where they were going.

“Okay Cat, use your words. Where are we going? What the hell is going on? Is Rag okay?”

“Just…” Cat paused for a moment. Magnus noticed they were standing in front of a door. It seemed like a patient’s room. “Just promise me you wouldn’t lose it.” Cat looked at him worried.

“Lose it… lose what? Cat, you’re scaring the shit out of me.”

“Promise me, Mags.” She raised her hand.

Magnus took it, “Promise.”

She went sideways and stood in front of the glass that separated the room from the corridor. The blue clinical curtain was loosely closed, giving quite an opening to see from outside. Magnus could clearly see inside the room. His heart stopped for a moment when he really understood what he saw.

“His file says he came in 2 nights ago in an emergency, the night you saw him last. I found him right before I called you last night. He’s got some injuries but he’s better now. He was in a bike accident. Probably right after he left your place. I just thought you might wanna see him.” Cat said while a speechless Magnus kept looking through the window.

Cat knocked on the door. Magnus heard someone from inside telling them to come in. Cat stepped in first, Magnus behind her.

“Good morning, Dr. Wayland,” Cat spoke slowly.

“Good morning, Catarina. Is everything okay?”

“He has come to meet the patient, sir.” She gulped slowly because she was running out of ideas. Michael stood up from bed when Cat walked in with Magnus. Magnus took in the view of Alec’s limp and bandaged body wrapped in a thin blanket on the bed. He saw how closely this Dr. Wayland held sleeping Alec.

Michael sat on the chair beside the bed and held Alec’s hand. With the other hand he was stroking Alec’s hair like the night before. Alec was still fast asleep. He didn’t understand why Cat came in to see him so early in the morning. But he recognized the man she brought in with her. He was angry because Cat let him in without Alec’s or his permission. But he didn’t want any drama in the hospital.

“It’s not the visiting hours, Cat.” Michael finally said annoyed.

“I’m sorry sir but he just received the news in the morning. He said he needed to see the patient.” she slightly nudged Magnus to say something.

“I… I…” Magnus stuttered. He had no idea what to say, “I’m his family.”

“Really? Where were you for the last 2 days?”

“I didn’t know.” Magnus was slightly annoyed at the tone of Dr. Wayland.

“What sort of family are you? What’s your relation with Alec?”

The way Dr. Wayland took Alec’s name was enough to give Magnus chills. He was sure this doctor knows Alec personally as if the closeness the doctor kept with Alec wasn’t enough indication.

“I’m… I’m…” Magnus stuttered, unable to think.

“Oh save it, Magnus.” Michael noticed the shock on Magnus’s and Cat’s face. “Yes, I know who you are. But I don’t know why you’re here.”

 

**34 - Relationship**

“Michael?”

All of them heard Alec mumbling in sleep. Magnus couldn’t help but notice the paleness and couple of cuts on his face and yet how beautiful he looked.

“Hey, sleepyhead. Good morning.” Michael smiled brightly at him. Alec was yet to notice Magnus and Cat. He was still groggy.

“Where did you go?”

“I didn’t go anywhere. I’m right here. Do you wanna get up?”

“Yeah, I’m thirsty.”

Michael took the glass and held at Alec’s lips so he could take some small sips. Alec suddenly spluttered some water when he noticed Cat and Magnus through the corner of his eyes. Magnus was the last person he wanted to see at the moment.

“He came to see you,” Michael said slowly and turned his face away. Alec and Magnus stared at each other. Alec could see questions in Magnus’s eyes and Magnus could see helplessness in Alec’s. “He says he’s your family,” Michael smirked.

“You have me at a disadvantage, Dr. Wayland. I didn’t even know about you until I walked in here. I still don’t know who you are.” Anger and some unnamed emotion were boiling his Magnus’s head.

“Why, well, I’m Michael. Dr. Michael Wayland. Alec’s doctor.” Michael smiled.

“And?” Magnus cocked an eyebrow.

“Michael, leave it. Please.” Alec pleaded. His voice so low that Magnus barely heard that.

“You just needed to talk, Alec. You just needed to talk to me. You said you didn’t want to lead me on. And yet you knew about my feelings for years. For years Alec, you could’ve just told me that I’m not enough for you. We both could’ve averted all these.” Tears threatened Magnus’s eyes.

“I’m just gonna leave,” Cat spoke and touched Magnus’s arm. Alec looked at her once but Magnus and Cat just gave each other a nod and she walked out. Alec sighed.

“What’s my surname, Magnus?” Alec’s head was bowed, he shook slowly. The pain was lacing through his veins.

 

**35 – Alec Wayland**

“What?” Magnus was stumped.

“Alec, you don’t have to do this.” Michael sounded concerned. Alec just held his hand and gave a small squeeze.

“I asked, what’s my surname?” Alec looked up straight at Magnus. Magnus was confused. He searched his mind but he came up blank. At the moment Magnus realized that he never knew Alec’s full name. He just called him Alexander because he thought Alec is short for Alexander and Alec never stopped him from calling him that. But he never had known his full name. The shock was clear on his face.

“That’s what I thought.” Alec inhaled and exhaled slowly as if breathing even pained him. “My name is Alec, Alec Wayland. I just never stopped you doesn’t mean my name is Alexander.”

Magnus’s mouth was literally hanging open. “Michael is my only family. He’s my ‘everything’. And yes, I love him.” Alec finally spoke with so much confidence in his broken voice that Magnus felt like Alec had slapped him right across his face and punched him in the stomach.

“Why…” Magnus could barely speak. But Alec understood. Michael sat beside him on the bed, still holding his hands.

“Alec, don’t...” Michael whispered. Alec looked at him once and then back at Magnus.

“In case you haven’t noticed Magnus, I’m a very private person. Yes, I knew about your feelings but I wasn’t sure. A guy like you can have whoever he wants. Whatever happened between us was just some fun. I tried to not lead you on. I never acknowledged your feelings, Magnus. But you were too naïve to see. You’re in love with the illusion of love. I told you so many times to steer clear from me but you never listened to me. You never took my words seriously.”

Alec’s chest was hurting. His heart was beating way too fast for him to breathe. His eyes pricked with tears but he clenched his jaw, his hands fisted in tight. He knew he was playing with fire and ultimately he would be the one getting burned. But then it was his favorite toy, fire. He felt like his heart would collapse if Magnus wouldn’t walk out at the moment.

“So all this is my fault huh? This is what I get by loving you? That I’m just a ‘fun’ to you? You just skipped the whole part that you’re in love with someone else? That you’re happy with someone else? That you’re married?” A stray tear tumbled out of Magnus’s eye.

 

**36 –Shockwaves**

“How could you cheat on your husband?” Magnus blinked back his tears.

“Wait, wait, wait… wait a sec… husband?” Michael panicked. “Married? What? No!” he looked at Magnus and then at Alec. Alec looked like a really defeated soldier. He hung his head down, breathing deeply. Magnus was confused by Michael’s reaction. Michael should be angry. But he looked more surprised.

“Damn you, Michael.” He muttered under his breath.

Alec exactly knew what he was doing. This was his fire and just like always Michael acted as water.

“No. No Magnus, no. We…” he pointed at Alec and himself, “…are not married. We are definitely not married. We are brothers, for fuck’s sake.” He exclaimed and Magnus couldn’t believe his ears. Did he just get played? Did Alec lie to him on his face knowingly? He looked at Alec who just slowly face-palmed, “Fuck you, Michael.”

“No. Fuck you, Alec.” Michael started talking but Magnus was just shocked. He couldn’t understand what was going on. He couldn’t understand why the hell Alec was trying so much to make Magnus hate him. But slowly he was getting sure about one thing, he truly didn’t know Alec much. There’s a lot about him and without that one can just not explain Alec’s erratic behavior. Magnus was being more determined to find out who is Alec Wayland. He finally heard Michael again.

“Don’t be a stupid kid, Alec.” Magnus noticed how Alec’s expression suddenly changed and his eyes shot back at Michael. But Michael chose to ignore the look and keep talking. “Look at him…” he pointed at Magnus, “…and then look at yourself.” He pointed at Alec.

Alec bit his teeth slowly. He couldn’t believe Michael was doing that. Michael of all people knew Alec much more than anybody else in the world. Alec never expected Michael would throw him under the bus like that. His cheeks and ears were getting red in anger. He felt his eyes stinging as he tried to reign back his angry tears.

“Don’t even dare to think about using me like this. I did not sign up for this when I promised to stand by you. You’re suffering, Alec. How long do you plan to lie huh! He loves you. You love him. That’s it.”

Every word Michael said were hitting Magnus like shockwaves after shockwaves. He still couldn’t believe Alec used his brother to ditch him. Magnus was drawing blanks as why Alec hated him so much or was it really his hate. Why this stupidity was bigger for Alec than his own feelings?

 

**37 - Brother Michael**

Alec clenched his jaw. His body didn’t have much strength to get through that. He felt low and weak and more than that, he felt ashamed. Magnus’s look was just a simple reminder of what he had been trying to escape all his life, shock, pain and hurt. Alec was losing his battle with his heart.

“You had to huh!” Alec’s voice sounded so low, “You had to do that.” He avoided eye contact with anyone, “You had to give him all the ammunition he needs to come after me. You’re supposed to be my brother.”

“I AM your brother, you stupid jerk. And I do care about you. That’s why I can see when you’re hurt.” Alec just chuckled sarcastically. Michael noticed it. “You can’t live without Magnus. But you’d rather die than accept your own heart. You fucking love him.” Michael almost lost his composure and yelled at Alec.

Alec was getting red on his face. He tried not to look up so they could see him. He was shivering slowly. A pain crept up his body, agonizingly slow. Magnus was frozen in shock and Michael ran his hands through his hair exasperate.

“Get out. Both of you.” Alec hissed through his teeth, “Leave me alone.” Magnus and Michael both looked at him.

“Alec… Don’t do this.” Michael begged slowly. Magnus just stared at Alec. “You deserve better. You deserve love.”

As if that was the ultimate for Alec, “Get fucking out you both. Right now. Get out of my sight.” Alec screamed for one last time. His chest burned badly. He didn’t even have the energy left to get his hand move and place on his chest. Sudden blackness closed over him. He felt like he was swimming in the void and then drowning in cold air. He gasped for one last breath. He couldn’t. His lungs wouldn’t work as per his will. He passed out.

 

**38 –Michael and Magnus part 1**

Three hours later, Michael and Magnus were sitting out of Alec’s room, waiting for Alec to wake up. Michael didn’t want to talk to Magnus inside the room. He was afraid Alec would wake up and listen to what he has to say to Magnus. Magnus was worried about why Michael wanted to speak to him, alone.

“What happened in there?” Magnus broke the silence.

Michael sighed. “It’s Alec’s heart. The stress got too much for him. I shouldn’t have excited him so much. Adrenaline is not good for his health.” Michael was rubbing his temples with his fingers, avoiding Magnus’s eyes.

“So Alec is sick?”

“Yes, Magnus, Alec is sick. He has been, for some time now.”

“It’s serious, isn’t it? Is that why?” Magnus was also having a headache. “Isn’t it? That’s why Alec wants me away from him. He doesn’t want me to worry about him.”

“That’s one way to put it,” Michael chuckled, “Taken Alec’s feelings for you into consideration, obviously.”

“So… you knew this… for a fact?”

“Knew what?”

“His feelings… for me?”

“Yes. I knew for some time now. Actually, it’s since I first discovered his problems.”

“His problems? His health problems?”

Michael didn’t reply. He just looked at Magnus.

“Oh come on, Michael. Don’t stop talking now. Alec almost died for all this. He’d rather choose death - like you said. And trust me, I can see that. But I need to know Michael, please. I think I deserve to know.” Magnus begged.

“I’m sorry Magnus. But I can’t tell you more. It’s… It’s his story. He should be the one to share if he wants to. But I can tell you this, Alec is not okay. Yes, he loves you and he’d do anything for you. But there are things… about him that… stops him from having… happiness, I think is the correct word. Alec has been through a lot in his life. And shutting inside himself is only just his coping mechanism to deal with everything. If something gets to his head, it’s impossible to make him see otherwise. I know it doesn’t make much sense. But if you really love him, I would then have to ask you to have patience. And not give up…”

 

**39 – Michael and Magnus part 2**

Magnus still stared at Michael. He just realized that Alec and Michael look way too different. Michael looks older, lines showing around his eyes and lips. Michael looks a lot older than Alec. But what bothered Magnus the most was Michael’s eyes. The bright green irises with a hint of slightly darker rings around the edges were somewhat unnerving Magnus. Those eyes looked familiar to Magnus but he just couldn’t remember. Those eyes were way too different from Alec’s. And also Michael has light tinted copper hair but Alec’s is raven black. Nobody would believe Alec and Michael are brothers if they didn’t say. It was hard to accept.

“… But I don’t think I can ask that from you.” Michael continued, “You have to understand, Magnus… Alec is a very stubborn man. But he can also be very childish. I think I get why he does things the way he does. He really is a great person. He just needs someone to put their trust and faith in him. But right now, seeing him like this, I don’t know if it’s right to ask that from you. Alec is very hard to work with. He will do anything to make your life miserable. He has a way of ‘not’ showing how much he loves you and cares about you. I don’t know, Magnus. I just can’t give up on him, he’ll die then. He has a death wish upon himself. I’m all he has left and I’m all he’d ever let in. I’m not sure, Magnus, that I can help you. So if you wanna go, you can. Cause Alec will keep on hurting you. You shouldn’t be hurt for Alec’s madness. And it’ll kill Alec more to see you hurt.”

Michael shook his head slowly. He couldn’t believe what he just told Magnus. Hours ago he wanted Alec to accept his feelings. Hours later he was literally asking Magnus to leave. But saving Alec was a bigger priority to him than keeping Magnus’s heart. Michael felt guilty for breaking Magnus just to honor his dumb brother's dumb wish.

Magnus looked terrified and heartbroken at Michael. _So even Michael wants me to give up_ , he chuckled to himself. “So that’s it? I just have to leave Alec so he doesn’t do anything stupid to both of us? I just have to give up so he won't kill himself?” Magnus looked teary-eyed at Michael, pleading for help.

“I don’t know, Magnus, maybe it’s for better.” Michael said slowly, he couldn’t look at the mess Alec made out of Magnus.

“Okay.” Magnus said after a long pause, “I’ll just go away then. If this is what he wants if this makes him happy… keeps him alive…yeah, sure. Just keep him safe, okay?” Magnus’s voice chocked.

“Yes, sure. Magnus, I’m so sorry.”

“You don’t have to be, Michael; you’re just looking out for your kid brother.”

When Michael didn’t say anything, Magnus just said ‘bye’ and left. He slowly walked the corridor until he was out of sight and then he broke out in a run, tears streaming down his face. He couldn’t believe he just left Alec, just like that.

 

**40 – Fear**

Two weeks.

It’s been two weeks since New Year’s Eve - since the night Magnus saw Alec for the last time. Two weeks Magnus couldn’t eat, sleep or work properly. Magnus loved BANE like a part of himself. He had invested all his life and everything to BANE. He thought he will be married to BANE for the rest of his life. But losing Alec was making things just worse for him. He couldn’t concentrate in the meetings; he couldn’t draw one single design properly. The Magnus Bane, who wouldn’t take leave of one hour even when he was sick, hadn’t gone to office in last 3 days.

Clary called and messaged him constantly to keep him updated but Magnus didn’t even take most of the calls. He actually thought about throwing the phone away but then he remembered Alec’s recordings. He ended up clutching his phone to his chest, headphones on, crawling up his bed in a fetal position and cry. That had become his routine for the last 2 weeks. Worst of all, Magnus Bane stopped drinking. Because that would only remind him Alec and how he himself started his own ending. Magnus was in living hell.

Magnus called Raph sometimes, just to know if Alec came back but Raph only disappointed him. Raph didn’t know if Alec recovered or not or if he was coming back on the job or not. Raph had no idea. Raph never said anything but Magnus could feel his sadness of losing his best bar manager ever. Raph would never blame him but Magnus felt the guilt. Everything was messed up.

That morning Magnus decided to call Matt and see if Alec went back there. Matt disappointed him as well. Matt couldn’t reach Alec’s phone. Magnus had a weird feeling in his gut but he didn’t want to think about it yet. There was one last place he could go, the archery range.

Magnus drove to the archery range like a madman. He didn’t bother that his hair was out of place or he was wearing simple jeans with a t-shirt, jacket and sneakers; that Magnus Bane didn’t look like Magnus Bane at all.

 

**41 – Finding questions**

“I need to talk to the manager please.” He startled the receptionist there.

“He’s busy sir. Can I help you with some information maybe?” she tried her best.

Magnus thought for a moment.

“Do you know Alec? Alec Wayland.”

“The archery teacher?”

“Yes.”

“Yes, I know him. What about him?” she sounded confused.

“When is his next class? When can I meet him?” Magnus asked desperately.

“Next class? I’m sorry sir but he’s left. He resigned a week ago.”

Magnus paled visibly. “He resigned?”

“Yes, sir. It’s really sad. Kids loved him a lot and he was a great teacher. Parents were so happy to have him as their kids’ teacher. It’s a huge loss for us.”

Magnus tried to think. His head was hurting. He was trying not to concentrate on the bad feeling at the moment, “Do you have his address maybe?”

“We do. But I can’t give you that.” She smiled apologetically.

“No, yes, I understand. But you have to understand too. I need that address. I need to find him. Please, I beg you, please, help me, please.” Magnus pleaded, his eyes watered and he tried to blink back those tears. She hesitated at first but softened up when Magnus clasped his palms together like in prayer. She finally gave him a note.

“You love him, right?” her cheeks flushed, she knew she asked a personal question.

Magnus had the grace to look shocked for a moment. “Am I that predictable now?” he smiled ruefully. She smiled back but didn’t say anything. Magnus said thanks and hurried out.

He calmed down the moment he came out and the cold air hit his face. Suddenly his brain started to work. He could still go to the hospital and talk to Michael but he didn’t want to bother him anymore. After all, he was the one who asked him to leave, “for better”. He could go to the address but then he remembered that Matt hadn’t been able to contact him for a week too. The receptionist confirmed Alec resigned at the range a week ago. His dark thoughts clearly surfaced now, scaring the shit out of him. What if Alec really left the city? He really needed an answer to that.

 

**42 –David part 1**

These two weeks were the worst for Alec.

At first, he was made to stay in the hospital for 3 days because of his hyperactive heart and then he was in house arrest for 10 days, by Michael. That brother of him made sure he stays home and recover properly. Alec was bored out of his mind, until 4 days after he got home, he kicked Michael out.

Whatever happened at the hospital and between Magnus and Michael bothered him a lot. Alec wasn’t sure if he wanted to go back to Pandemonium, even though he liked that place and loved working there. Just as every time, Alec could only think of one solution. So he started by blocking Matt’s number first, then resigning from the archery range and finally he called David and asked for a meeting.

Two weeks passed since Alec coded in the hospital. Two weeks he hadn’t seen Magnus, other than all the old videos of Magnus’s dance and interviews he had downloaded from YouTube. Two weeks into these utterly doomed New Year. Alec could only laugh at his fortune. Alec was supposed to meet David that day. He got ready in his clumsy studio apartment, putting on his usual blacks, jeans, sweater, jacket and walked to the coffee shop where David wanted to meet.

 

Alec entered and saw David was occupying a table beside the window.

“David, hi, I’m so sorry for being late.” Alec gave his hand to shake. David pulled in for a hug.

“It’s okay, Alec. I just came here a few minutes ago. It’s good to see you after so long.” Davis smiled.

Alec took the seat in front of David when a waiter came. “Shall I take your order sirs?”

“Alec? What would you like?” David asked.

“Umm…” he scanned the menu fast, “A black coffee. No sugar.” Alec frowned and the waiter only nodded before looking at David.

“A vanilla latte, please.” The waiter nodded again.

“Anything on the side?”

“No. Nothing, for me.” Alec said before David could say anything.

“No then, thanks.” David finally said and the waiter left. “What happened to your face? You look terrible.”

“I had an accident, two weeks ago. I’m better now. Thanks.” Alec wanted to get to point but David asked first.

 

**43 – David part 2**

“So, tell me what you wanna talk about.” David leaned back on his chair, smiling coyly and relaxing a bit.

David O’Connell is a restaurateur from Washington. He owns a couple of small restaurants there and recently branched out in a couple other cities, one being recently opened but hugely successful in New York.

“Do have any vacancy in any of your restaurants?”

“What?” David was confused and sat up. “You’re leaving Pandemonium? What happened?”

“Nothing happened. I… I just… I need to leave this city, David, for personal reasons.” Alec looked down at his hands as David kept a strong gaze on him.

“I don’t understand, Alec. I mean, yes, I’ll be more than happy to have someone like you in my team but you’ve been in Pandemonium for 5 years. I know you love working there. And I’m not even sure working in a restaurant is your type of job. It doesn’t make sense.”

“I know, David; I know it doesn’t make sense. But I really need to move on now. I mean, how long you expect me to be in the same place!”

David frowned, “I’ll not say that I know you better than this but Raphael will not like it. He’s one of my associates, Alec. In our business, we don’t cross people and take their best staff out unless we mean pure business rivalry. And trust me, I don’t wanna piss off Raphael Santiago.”

Alec exhaled slowly. He was hoping for an answer like that. Alec met David through Raph couple of years ago when David came to New York to scout for his first branch. Raph was wine supplier for his restaurant once it started for some time before David found a more permanent solution. Alec helped to select a range suitable for their menu. He knew in this business people try to not piss others without a reason, and certainly not for a stupid old favor.

“Can you find someone else maybe, who don’t have an association with Raphael?” Alec tried one last time.

Their coffee was served in between. They both started sipping on the hot drinks.

“You seem desperate, Alec. Okay, I’ll see if I can find something for you. I can’t promise but for you, Alec, I’ll try. I think there’s an opening in a brewery in Texas. I’m friends with the owner. I’ll talk to them. Now in the meantime, let’s enjoy this coffee. You sure you don’t want those chocolate cookies?” David smiled at Alec who shook his head with a smile to say no. They end up discussing wines and menus of David’s restaurants and laughing at David’s jokes.

Magnus was driving home from archery range when he stopped at a red light. He didn’t even know why he turned his face away. He just saw Alec, sitting at the window table of a fancy coffee shop, with another impeccably dressed man. They were laughing together. The signal changed to green and people were blaring horn behind him. Magnus finally dragged his teary eyes away and drove home.

For a moment he thought he imagined Alec. But that smile made Magnus sure, he didn’t imagine it. It was Alec. He could never forget how the corners of those hazel eyes crinkled when Alec really laughed or smiled. Magnus just went to bed; cry his eyes out while Alec’s sweet voice blared through his headphone.

 

**44 – Three months later**

That was the last night Magnus cried. He promised himself he wouldn’t cry anymore, not for Alec. The playlist didn’t stop playing though. Magnus couldn’t forget his love but he was shocked and hurt. If Alec can move on just like that then why not him?

Magnus told himself repeatedly that he can and he will, with time. But also he was sure about one thing. He will never be able to open his heart to anyone anymore; he will never be able to love anymore. It was Alec and it always will be Alec, his Alexander, for whom his heartbeat, his soul still intact. Alec had once told him that Magnus was in love with the illusion of love. Now Magnus hated love with every aspect of it, except Alexander.

Magnus couldn’t hate Alec, even if he wanted to. So he buried himself in work. He was working day and night like a maniac. Success chased after him. The spring collection broke all previous records of BANE collections. Magnus’s eyes stopped crying but his heart didn’t. He hated going home every night, afraid of going to sleep. No matter how much he overworked himself or tired he was sleepless nights were his true nightmare.

Magnus was used to partying but now to avoid things and in vain attempt to fall asleep, he started partying hard, drinking too much. There was no reason for him abstain himself from drinking. And that’s it. Nobody could reach Magnus, not with love, not with care, not with friendship and not even with the intention of one night of pleasure. Magnus Bane turned into a ghost.

 

Three months, Alec wasn’t sure how time passed. David’s try didn’t come through as they had already hired someone before David could suggest Alec’s name. So Alec couldn’t leave the city but he left Pandemonium. Most of the night he couldn’t remember things. Things got worse than before. Alec wasn’t sure how he was living without Magnus, his Magnus. He wasn’t sure how his heart was surviving that pain.

Alec was restless. He locked himself up in his loft. He only left once a week and went for a walk, a really long one. Only Michael would come someday to check on him. Michael was disappointed too. He could see Alec was hurting but he wasn’t sure if he should get Magnus back. Michael wanted it to be Alec to finally accept things and go back to Magnus. Michael wasn’t exactly sure if Alec needs only Magnus or there’s someone else who can help Alec. But he knew his brother was too stubborn to take a step. Alec always put others before him. But the way Alec was fighting with himself to protect Magnus, was absurd. Death was his only excuse to put himself through that.

Michael couldn’t fight him anymore; instead, he tried to make it less painful for Alec. Michael let him do whatever he wanted, including drinking. The Alec, who never touched a single drop of alcohol even when he worked in a bar, was getting drunk almost every night. Three months Michael watched his brother living in a mess, take out boxes everywhere, untidy clothes, shaggy beard and weak, tired and pale body. Alec practically lived off his savings of all his life. Alec was praying every day that this becomes his last day.

 

**45 – Happy Birthday**

Maybe it wasn’t a good idea but Michael kicked Alec out of his loft that day.

The day started some time afternoon with Michael barging in with bags of groceries in his arms. He swiped things off the kitchen counter and put those bags there. Then he dragged Alec into the bathroom and made him sit quietly when he shaved his month old beard to rough stubble and shampooed his way too long, floppy and messier-than-ever hair. He made Alec take a nice and hot shower and made him wear his battered black but best clothes. Alec wasn’t sure why Michael was torturing him like that all of a sudden until he saw the calendar on the fridge. At the moment he hated Michael. Michael noticed his gaze.

“Yeah, I know kiddo. I knew you wouldn’t remember. But it’s okay.” Michael put some bread in the toaster.

Alec sighed, “I’m sorry, Michael. Happy birthday.” He went to hug. Michael was happy to have Alec in his arms after so long.

“So this makes me the man of the day. And that’s why you’ll listen to me. You can’t say no to the birthday boy.” Michael did smile like a kid on his birthday.

“You’re not a kid, Michael.” Alec rolled his eyes.

“But you are. And this is for me. So you’ll go out today and have some fun. I don’t care what you do as long as you come home in one piece. But you’re going out today. Have a day, for me.”

“Michael, please...” Alec whined.

“Nope. I’m not listening to you today. I let you mope all you wanted for the last 3 months. Not on my birthday. I have shift otherwise I’d spent the day with you. So I thought you should spend the day for me. And also you’ll not spend the day in the cemetery, promise me.”

“Michael, that’s not fair. You know that’s the only place I could go and enjoy.” Alec pouted while Michael put a plate of scrambled eggs, bacon and toast in front of him.

“Enjoy with whom? Ghosts? No. And I’m not dead yet. So no cemetery. You’re not partying with ghosts today. Go to some club somewhere. Go get your jobs back maybe.” Michael sat beside him and dug into his food.

“Damn it, Michael. I hate you.”

“Thank you so much, brother mine. I love you too.” Michael smiled in his glass of juice.

Alec wondered how he missed Michael preparing all the food in such a short time.

 

**46 – Redhead returns**

Michael and Alec left the apartment together. Alec promised that he will not go home until late to have his keys back from Michael. Alec started walking. It was a sunny afternoon. He walked to Central Park. His feet carried him to a bench where two young men sat, discreetly holding hands, taking some pictures and enjoying the sunset. Alec sighed; he didn’t want to see that. Though he promised Michael that he wouldn’t go to the cemetery he did. He spent hours there sitting under a tree, watching people come and put flowers on the graves, some cried, some sat there and talked to the dead, some just shed some tears and left as soon as possible. It was weird but Alec always felt peaceful in the cemetery.

He walked aimlessly until he stood in front of a big clothing store. It was a BANE outlet. He could see the store was still open. For a moment he wondered if Magnus was in there or not. Then he dashed into an empty alley, he didn’t want to see Magnus. He went to a coffee shop and treated himself a black coffee and a chocolate muffin. It was dark outside finally. He wanted to go home.

He started walking again, toward his apartment this time when he saw that new club. Last time Alec was in a club was more like 4 months ago, in Pandemonium. He hesitated twice before getting in and looked at his watch. It was almost 9 in the evening. Alec could use a few drinks. Alec was about to walk in but he turned his body away in reflex. Jace walked past him without noticing. He seemed in hurry. Alec stood there staring at the car speeding away. A few moments later Clary tumbled out of the club. She looked different. She looked like she was about to break in tears.

 _So Jace hasn’t changed a bit_ , Alec thought. He wondered what a girl like Clary was doing with Jace. She seemed a bright, sweet and simple girl. But maybe love does make people blind. Clary sighed and started to walk away, all alone. Alec started thinking again. He didn’t want to involve himself in Jace’s life but he also didn’t want to leave Clary alone like that in that situation. She didn’t deserve to be left alone like that.

Alec kept a distance but started to walk after her. He noticed how long they walked. It was almost 3 blocks before she suddenly turned left into a really dark alley, a shortcut. In the distance, Alec could see a couple of figures moving toward her. But she was walking with her head down and arms folded in front of her. Probably she was crying and hugging herself. Alec got scared. Before he could reach those shadows got to Clary. They started teasing her and touching her and laughing at her. Alec heard her mumbling to let her go and he couldn’t stop himself.

 

**47 – Call 911**

Like a sudden blur, Clary didn’t even see exactly what happened. She just saw a tall, lean figure ran past her and jumped on those muggers. They were taken aback by the sudden appearance as much as Clary was shocked. She couldn’t make out who the stranger was. Those muggers started to hit back after the initial shock. They were 3 large guys beating the stranger way too much. They threw that guy on the ground and started kicking. The stranger was keeping them busy so Clary could run but she was too shocked to move. One of them suddenly brought out a knife and was about to hit that guy when she heard the voice, “Run Clary, run.”

Clary walked back slowly. That voice urged her to run away. Before she actually ran out of the alley, she saw him still fighting with the muggers and they were fisting him and kicking him everywhere. She started to run before she heard a muffled scream from the alley. She ran faster, scared that they will come after her and get to her. She ran and ran until she couldn’t breathe anymore. Her legs and lungs ache. She kept on looking back to check if they were still after her but she didn’t see anything. She didn’t even notice where she was going until she rammed into some people.

“Auff…” the man groaned while Clary almost fell but that man caught her.

“Clary? What are you doing here?” Simon was shocked to see her like that. Clary found her focus on Simon’s voice.

“Si… oh my God.” She was panting hard.

“Hey, what happened? I thought you left with Jace. Why did you come back? And why were you running like a ghost was chasing you?” Simon held Clary by her shoulder.

“Hey Simon, should I dro… Clary?” They didn’t see when Magnus came out of the club from behind them. “What are you doing here?”

“Magnus…where’s Izzy?” Simon frowned when he didn’t see his girlfriend with whom he just patched up an hour ago.

“Umm… she got a call. She left.” Magnus looked sad seeing Simon’s face fall. “What’s up with her?” Magnus pointed at Clary, trying to change the topic. He didn’t want to see Simon depressed again at Izzy’s erratic behavior.

Simon was about to speak but they both heard Clary’s shaken voice, “Call 911.”

Clary turned on her heels and started to run back again. Simon and Magnus shared a concerned look but they both chose to run after her.

 

**48 – Reunion?**

All three were almost running together.

“Call 911? Why?” Simon grabbed her shoulder from behind and made her stop. Magnus stopped beside them.

“Hey, what’s going on? Talk first, okay? Tell us what happened. Where are you going?”

Clary’s brain started to work when Simon and Magnus were having a moment about Izzy. She felt so stupid for running away like that. She felt stupid for not calling 911 immediately. She was worried. They almost ran a block before Simon stopped her.

“God Si, just call 911. I’m so stupid. Muggers jumped me and then suddenly that guy came out of nowhere…” she started to walk fast fishing her phone out of her pocket, “… And then he just fought with those muggers and asked me to run. He knew my name. And the stupid little-scared shit I am, I just ran. We gotta go back, Simon. They had a knife. God knows what they did to him. Damn, I feel so stupid.”

Before Clary or Simon could, Magnus called 911, “What’s the location, Clary? I’ve got them on line.” Magnus handed her the phone and she gave a direction, “…Just get an ambulance, please. They had knife. I don’t know what they did to Alec.”

Clary handed the phone back to Magnus but he wasn’t there. Magnus stood like a statue a few steps back, just like Simon.

“What did you say?” Simon and Magnus both said simultaneously and then looked at each other, confused.

“Did you say ‘Alec’? My friend Alec?” Simon recovered first and asked to confirm.

“Oh God, Si, that voice, when he asked me to run, it was Alec’s voice. I didn’t see his face. But I’m quite sure it was Alec. He knew my name.”

“Wait a sec… how do you know Alec? When did you two meet?” Simon was way too confused.

“Can we do this later, Si? We need to find Alec first. I hope it wasn’t Alec though.” Clary started to walk faster than before.

“I hope so too.” Magnus muttered and ran past Simon and Clary to the direction Clary explained before to the cops. His heart was racing.

 

**49 – Find Love**

Magnus was running so fast that he almost missed the alley.

“Magnus, left.” Clary shouted from a couple of feet behind, Magnus skidded and dashed into the very dark alley. From a distance, he could hear some noises. Magnus walked closer silently praying to not see Alec. Then his heart almost skipped a beat when he heard the groan. Magnus walked fast. What he saw was enough to give him nightmares.

Alec was holding himself close to the brick wall. He was sure he couldn’t stand. He felt warm and cold at the same time. He felt wet and heavy. Then he saw someone dashing into the alley. He tried to hide thinking those muggers came back, and then he heard someone.

“Alec? Alec? Alexander, is that you?”

“Mags…” Alec tried to speak but his mouth filled up some warm tangy metallic liquid and he spat the blood out. Magnus slid beside him grabbing him by his jacket. They didn’t notice when Clary and Simon came in. Clary couldn’t look at the figure of Alec. She stepped back letting Simon get closer. But Simon couldn’t say anything. He just stared at Magnus and Alec. Simon was shocked. Almost 4 months ago, before the New Year, Simon saw Alec for the last time. Alec never came back at the club after his accident. Not even in his wildest nightmares, Simon expected to find Alec like that.

“Hey, hey, I’m here. I’m here, Baby.” Magnus couldn’t hold back his tears. Alec lay in his arms. “You hear me? You keep your eyes open, okay? Listen to my voice, Alec. Just keep listening to me. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. You just keep your eyes open. Come on Alec, don’t close your eyes.” Magnus stroked Alec’s bloody cheeks slowly, pushing strands of long black hair out of his eyes.

“Alexander, baby, please keep your eyes open, please. The ambulance is coming. You hear me? They are coming. They will help you. Just hold on.” Magnus tried to not concentrate on the blood that covered Alec’s beautiful face. “You don’t get to do this to me, you hear me? You don’t get to put me through this after all you did. No. hey…” Magnus patted Alec’s cheeks again, he was sobbing uncontrollably. “…Hey, eyes open I said. I’m sorry Alexander. I’m so sorry. I won’t leave you ever again. And you don’t leave me too. I’m not letting you go. You hear me? You keep fighting, okay? You’re a big man. You’re strong, Baby. You keep fighting, my love. Please, Alec, don’t do this to me. Please…” Magnus held Alec tight in his arms; half of Alec’s body was on Magnus.

 

**50 – Luckiest man on earth**

Right at that moment, Alec felt like the luckiest man on earth. He always trusted God for writing a banging exit for him. He knew there was a reason why he failed so many times when he tried to kill himself. Alec knew this was his moment. Alec had one wish in life. When he was to die, he wanted to die in the arms of his love or by the hands of his love. Finally, Alec was lying in Magnus’s arms, just like he had wished his last scene of life, going to rest for life in the arms of his true love. It was a sign from above; Magnus is Alec’s true love.

“Magnus…” Alec tried to breathe, for one last job he needed to finish. He managed to raise his left hand up and touched Magnus’s face, a smile tugged on his lips. “I love you, Magnus.”

“What? No. No. No, you stupid, arrogant, annoying, son of a bitch. You don’t say that right now, you bastard. You can’t do this to me like this.” Magnus bit back his words. He was cursing way more inside his head, not Alec, but time.

“Hey, glitter boy… show me.” Alec breathed funny.

“Show you? Show you what? Stop talking nonsense, you giant ass.” Magnus was momentarily confused.

“That smile. You can’t dance here. So I wanna see you smile, Dancer.” Alec smiled as much as he could. He was trying to remember that Magnus who used to dance at the club, that free smile, the most beautiful, graceful dancer.

Magnus smiled, for Alec, he put a smile on his face. But he couldn’t stop his tears. Alec’s fingers brushed away a few tears with his shaky fingers. “We’re gonna have time, Alec. We’re gonna have a long time. You’ll propose me properly, you idiot, not like this. We’ll live together. I promise you we’ll live together, we’ll grow old together. Don’t say it right now. Please, Alec, don’t do this.” Magnus tried to blink back his tears.

“Alexander loves Magnus.” Alec smiled; satisfied seeing Magnus smile for one last time, his bloody fingers smeared some blood on Magnus’s face. “I love… you… my angel.” Alec’s breathe rattled.

“No, no, no, no… Nooooo… no, Alec… God damn it… Alexander… Don’t do this… Please, Baby… Don’t do this to me… Open your eyes… Come on, Love… Open your eyes… No, Alexander… Wake up… Wake up…” Magnus hugged Alec as close as possible as Alec’s hand slid down Magnus’s face, a small smile still tugged at his lips.

Magnus didn’t notice when the cops and the EMTs came or when they dragged him inside the ambulance with Alec because he wasn’t letting go of Alec’s body. Magnus didn’t notice when they reached the hospital. Magnus didn’t notice when they sedated him to take Alec away. Magnus didn’t notice when Clary and Simon held him tight and cried. Magnus couldn’t cry anymore. Magnus couldn’t feel anything. Magnus was trapped in that moment. He was drenched in Alec’s blood, his hands and face and clothes. He needed to get to Alec, his Alexander. He needed to wake up and find Alec.

 

_**To be continued...** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave comments or kudos.


	3. Stage 3 – Anger and Bargaining

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter consists of Part/Chapter-51 to Part/Chapter-75 of the Instagram posts.
> 
> Warning - Swear words have been used frequently, throughout the chapter.

**51 – Wake up Magnus**

Magnus woke up with the sun on his face. He was disoriented for a moment because of the stupid dream he had. As horrible as it was, Magnus remembered the whole dream. He was still shaking from the horrible feeling of Alec dying in his arms. He tried to move and get up but his limbs felt heavy, his sight was slightly blurred. He managed to raise his arms and rub his eyes and then he saw the differences.

What Magnus had thought was sunlight, wasn’t actually sunlight. It was fluorescent light strips hung from the ceiling. He panicked and sat up. He saw Cat curled up in a chair beside his bed and Clary on a couch in a distance. He looked at himself. He was wearing a hospital gown under a light blanket. He was in a frigging hospital. And then all the memories came rushing to him. It wasn’t just a bad dream. All of that was true. His Alexander died in his arms after confessing his love. Magnus jumped out of the bed, a bit unsteady on his feet and stumbled out of the room. Cat and Clary were still sleeping but he needed to find Alec.

Magnus ran down the corridor without thinking where he was going before he bumped into Simon.

“Simon…” Magnus fell in Simon’s arms.

“Magnus! You woke up!” Simon was happy and panicked at the same moment seeing Magnus like that. “What the hell are you doing out of your room? Let’s go back.” He held up Magnus by supporting him around his waist and tried to walk him back to his room.

“No, no. Alec. I need to see Alexander. Where is he? Simon, tell me he didn’t die. Tell me I passed out from drinking too much and I had that stupid dream. Tell me he didn’t die in my arms.” Magnus was looking everywhere but Simon, his eyes were trying to find Alec. If Simon wasn’t wrong, Magnus was shaking too.

“Magnus, hey, calm down. You need rest, man. Just calm down.” Magnus finally looked at Simon with a wild look.

“Where? Simon, where is he? I need to see him. Take me, Simon, please, take me to Alec. I don’t need rest. I need to see Alec, please.” Magnus gripped on Simon’s shirt at the collar and shook him with all his strength.

“Okay, okay. Lean on me. You’re still weak.” Simon grabbed Magnus’s wrists trying to calm him down.

They walked a couple of meters and entered a different corridor. They stopped in front of a different door and Simon knocked. Without waiting for a reply, Magnus tumbled out of Simon’s arms and into the room. Magnus was shocked to see the person who sat on the chair beside the bed.

 

**52 – Counting wounds**

“You… what are you doing here?” Magnus shuffled toward the bed, “Get away from him! Get away from Alec, I said.” And all but yelled at the man beside the bed.

“Easy, tiger… easy. Just calm down.” Michael grabbed Magnus as he was falling.

“You don’t tell me what to do and what not to! Now move away. I’ll stay with him and only me.” Magnus grabbed the back of the chair, pushing Michael away like a petulant child.

“Okay, okay. Just sit. Sit with him. He needs you.” Magnus looked at him questioningly.

“He told me he loves me. He told me. You can’t keep me away from him anymore. I’ll stay right here with him.” Magnus rambled, fear in his eyes.

“It’s okay, Magnus. I know everything. Simon told me what happened at the alley. Stay with him. We’ll be back later.” Michael smiled at him reassuring. “Let’s go, Simon. Let’s get Clary and Cat here. They’ll worry if they don’t see Magnus in the room.” Michael walked out with Simon who fished out his phone as it rang and looked at it frowning, leaving a surprised Magnus sitting with a comatose Alec.

Magnus looked at Alec. He was bandaged everywhere. There was a cast on his left foot. A couple of pillows was tucked under his right arm and shoulder. A thick bandage on the forearm. A couple of stitching plasters on his face even though half of the pale face was covered in purple bruises. Magnus couldn’t see his body. He was sure there were other injuries hidden under the blanket as well. It was terrible to look at Alec.

Gingerly, Magnus picked up Alec’s left arm which looked less injured than the most of his body, just a bandage on the palm to hide a cut from the knife. He caressed the papery pale skin with his thumbs. There were purple bruises on the wrist, forearm and elbow. Tears stained Magnus’s face as he shivered lightly from the scene.

Alec’s hand was warm in Magnus’s. It was giving a small reassurance to Magnus that Alec didn’t die. It was hard to believe after how they had found Alec in the alley. Magnus slowly laid his head on Alec’s chest. He could feel the warmth of Alec’s body on his cheek. But more than that he heard Alec’s steady heartbeat. Magnus just laid there and sobbed silently. The sound of heartbeat finally made Magnus believe that his Alexander was still his, still there and still alive. Magnus promised himself he would never ever let Alec go again.

“Thank you, Alec. Thank you so much for listening to me, for not dying on me. Now just come back to me, baby… Wake up, please. I have a promise to keep. We have a lifetime to live. Please, Alexander, please, my love… Wake up.” Magnus kept talking to Alec until he fell asleep, still sitting on the chair, his head on Alec’s chest.

 

**53 – Michael finally talks part 1**

Magnus woke up with light taps on his shoulder. Michael was standing behind him. “Hey Magnus, how d’ya feel?”

Magnus sat up looking at Alec. There was no change. Alec was still in a coma. “I’m okay. Alec?”

“Alec will wake up. He needs time to recover.”

“What happened? I thought… I thought he-…” Magnus couldn’t finish, his voice broke. He couldn’t say the word. He looked back at peacefully sleeping Alec.

“They thought so too. Probably he really was gone for a couple of minutes.”

“But that’s… How’s that even possible?”

“With Alec’s condition, there are special drugs that can make this possible.” Michael sat on the edge of the bed because none of them wanted to leave Alec. Magnus stared at him confused. He didn’t exactly understand anything that Michael said.

“It’s tough to understand,” Michael continued seeing the lost look on Magnus, “You remember when we talked after Alec’s accident?” Magnus nodded slowly. He was still holding Alec’s hand. Michael rested his one hand on Alec’s chest. “Remember, I told you that adrenaline rush is not good for Alec’s heart?” Magnus nodded again.

“Well, it’s all about that. Alec has a rare heart condition. Let’s not go into medical terms but his heart is not strong enough as normal humans. When we have an adrenaline rush, it increases our heartbeats and there are different hormones that balance our body during that rush. It doesn’t work that way with Alec. His heartbeat goes very fast. When the rush dissipates, it brings his heart rate down way too quick for his body to adapt. It sort of makes an arrhythmic condition which weakens his heart. And Alec’s history of epileptic seizures makes it even worse. It can kill him. There are drugs that calm his body so that the rush doesn’t affect his heart directly. He can’t get excited. He can’t be surprised. A simple loud boo or heavy physical exercises can cause him heart-attack. You know, like Hulk. Hulk is always angry but he learned to control. Alec’s heart is always hyperactive. Anything can happen anytime. But he’s learnt to control.”

Magnus listened intently but he was shocked because he had never heard of something like that. Then some questions came to him. “Can I ask you something, Michael?”

“I thought you might have questions. Go on.”

“Working in a bar, with that loud music all the time, that didn’t hurt him?”

“He uses special noise cancelling earplugs. Also, he is on medication that controls his heartbeat and regular meditation helps.” Magnus nodded.

“Excitement includes having… you know…” Magnus blushed a bit, not even sure what made me ask that in the first place.

“Having sex? Yes. He knew that he needs to control every action. So he did, I think. I mean, he had partners before. So I guess he found a way to control that too. We never talked about that as long as he was being safe and taking care. His medication was enough for that, I guess. He learnt to control his breathing as well.” Magnus was blushing hard. He remembered how indifferent Alec had acted during that night when Alec tried to hurt him with denied release sex, how controlled his breathing was after he had pulled out.

 

**54 – Michael finally talks part 2**

“Why are you telling me now? You didn’t want to before.” Magnus asked slowly.

“Because I was honoring his wish. He wanted you to be away from him. I knew if he’d see you hurt, he’d be hurt more. I thought I was helping you both. If I could, Magnus, trust me, I’d kick his ass. But I needed to be with him.” Michael looked sorry at Magnus. “And now that Alec has confessed his feelings, I don’t know… I have a gut feeling… things will be better now, at least I hope so.” Michael smiled softly. Magnus’s expression softened.

“And also, you didn’t ask but I gotta tell you this. You need to take care of yourself as well. You were so much dehydrated… it was really stupid, Magnus. You have to eat and drink water. You have to be healthy if you really wanna be there for Alec. The incident was a clear shock to your system but with everything else, it affected you so much that you were unconscious for 2 days. You had to be put on fluid. You can’t do this to yourself, Magnus. Your friends were worried for you. I was too.” Michael hugged Magnus lightly with one arm as Magnus saw the honesty in Michael’s eyes.

“One last question, can I take him home with me? I want to be with him, take care of him. Please.” Magnus pleaded with his eyes.

“You’re asking for my permission?” Michael chuckled a bit as Magnus nodded slightly. “Magnus, it depends on Alec. If he wants to move to your place then sure. I’d be happy to know that he’s in care of someone who loves him unconditionally. But I think shifting home, now when he’ll have a long way to recovery… I don’t think he’ll want that. In that case, if he agrees, you should move in with him.”

“Thanks, Michael.” Magnus smiled brightly for the first time since the accident.

“Alec mentioned once that you found out about his singing and archery jobs,” Michael settled to explain more, “His condition was the primary reason why he never took permanent big jobs even though he’s more than qualified. He couldn’t take the pressure and all that came with them. So he took small jobs, things what he loves to do, singing, archery, bartending.”

“Now that you mentioned, it makes sense. I never thought about it like that.”

“I know.” Michael stood up. Magnus was staring at Alec, “He should wake up in a couple of hours. He’s got no bad head injuries. So I’m guessing he’ll be fine when he’ll wake up.”

“Then why he’s in coma?”

“It’s medically induced. He’s fine, Magnus. They needed to put him in coma so his body recovers faster. His injuries are mostly superficial, except those kicks he got on stomach and back. He’s lost a lot of blood because of the multiple knife cuts. Otherwise, all good. Don’t worry. Just stay with him.” Michael patted Magnus’s shoulder as they smiled at each other. Then Michael left. Magnus waited for Alec to wake up.

 

**55 – Brother and Sister part 1**

Her heels clattered on the marble floor of the office building. She walked in like a queen in 6 inches of heel, black high ankle boots, tight black ripped jeans and a baggy navy-blue top. A silver chain with a key pendant studded with little sparkly multi-colored stones dangled artfully from her neck. Everybody stayed out of her way just to stare at the beauty she is as she took the elevator and rode to the top floor.

“Good morning, ma’am.”

“Good morning, George.” She flashed her beautiful smile which somehow the poor guy survived, “Is he in yet?”

“Yes, ma’am… He’s in.”

Nobody said anything as she walked inside the office without knocking.

“Hello, Brother Mine.”

“Izzy! What are you doing here? Why didn’t you say you’re coming?”

Jace was busy on his laptop and didn’t see when Izzy walked in.

“I had a weird chat with Simon this morning. I needed to talk to you.” Her smile was gone all too sudden.

“Yeah, but you could at least lemme know you were coming.”

“I didn’t know I need an appointment to see my brother… in his own office.” Izzy crossed her arms in front of her and eyed Jace who shook his head slightly and rolled his eyes.

“Izzy, I’m not in a mood. What did Simon do now?”

“That’s the thing. He didn’t do anything.” Izzy flopped on the couch in front of Jace’s huge table. Jace got up from his chair and sat beside Izzy on the couch.

“What do you mean?”

“He didn’t call me since I left the club that night after you. He didn’t call me once. Neither sent a message.”

“That’s unusual of him. Usually, your phone overflows with his messages and calls.”

“Yes. And that’s been bothering me. 3 days and total silence. That’s way too unlike Simon.”

“You didn’t call him, did you?” Jace smirked slightly knowing that his sister is head over heels for that dork but won’t accept. Izzy narrowed her eyes.

“Actually I did.” Izzy frowned and was lost in her thoughts.

“You did? Wow, way to go sis. He must be over the moon.” Izzy looked at him unimpressed. “Wait! He wasn’t? What did that dork say to you?”

“His words were quite clear Jace. He’s done with me.” Izzy was sad.

 

**56 - Brother and Sister part 2**

“Hey, sis, what exactly happened? Talk to me.”

“He gave me an ultimatum, Jace. He’s not happy the way I treat him. He said that this time I have to fight for him, to get him back. He’ll not chase me like a puppy anymore.”

Izzy sank her head in her hands. Jace flinched. He knew Izzy has commitment issues. She doesn’t show much but then she really mistreated Simon sometimes. Jace understood that all too well but never said anything to her because he himself had the same issue. He mistreated Clary so many times. But he thanked God every moment for bringing Clary into his life, for making her love him. Her love was the thing that anchored Jace to his roots.

Without Simon’s and Clary’s unconditional love and support, Izzy and him, they both would end up more broken than before. But they only have each other with all past and honesty. They both believed they didn’t deserve the love and friendship they received from Simon and Clary. Jace can’t think himself surviving without Clary and Izzy and it was same for Izzy as well, Simon and Jace were her rock.

“Isn’t he right?” Jace murmured and Izzy looked at him sarcastically. “I know; I did the same as well. I haven’t talked to her since that night either, Izzy. I don’t know why I can’t open up to her. I want to, Iz. It just frustrates me that I don’t even know what’s stopping me. When did we become like this? We weren’t like this. We used to happy. What changed?” Jace leaned back on the couch, his head hanging out of the backrest.

“You know what changed, Jace.” Izzy answered even though Jace wasn’t actually asking it to her. She was still leaning forward hiding her face in his hands. Jace rose up.

“Iz… please, don’t go there. I’m tired of losing my shit over it all the time. I’m tired of hating him for everything he did to us. I’m tired of blaming him, Iz, because you and I made the same mistake. We’re as guilty as them.” Jace rubbed his temple.

“What if I tell you that we have a chance at redemption? What if I tell you that I’m not sad because Simon gave me an ultimatum, but for the reason he gave me that ultimatum?” Izzy suddenly looked up at Jace, her eyes sparkling.

“What? What the hell are you talking about?” Jace was confused. “We’ve tried everything, Iz, every single fucking thing. We found nothing. He’s dead, Iz, he has to be. It is better we accept this now. 13 years, Iz, nobody can live invisible for 13 years.” Jace stood up and paced the open space exasperatedly. Izzy looked at him still sitting.

“I found him.” Izzy looked at Jace half smiling; tears threatening her eyes as Jace stared back her, shocked to the core.

 

**57 – I love you**

Michael was right. About fucking everything. Magnus was happy, finally.

Alec woke up almost 7 hours after Magnus and Michael talked. He woke up groaning and cursing. He remembered a lot from the accident. Magnus was afraid to ask but he was happy to find out that Alec remembered his confession before he passed out.

Alec didn’t react badly to his memories. He just looked at Magnus with an awkward smile and Magnus wanted to hug the shit out of him. Magnus wanted to tell him how much scared he was and how much he loved him but he stopped himself when Alec winced from a simple laugh. Alec was sore everywhere and yet he was smiling as if he woke up as a new man with less stupid ideas in his brain and a lot of happiness.

Michael was right that Alec wanted to go back to his place.

 

“Okay then, I’m going… with you. I’ll just shift some of my things at your apartment while you still have to be here. I’m not letting you out of my sight anymore.” Magnus was stern and a bit afraid of Alec’s answer. Alec only looked at him smiling this new, shy, the most beautiful smile ever. Magnus felt weak in knees seeing that.

“Okay. But you don’t know my address.” Alec cocked his head, smirking lightly.

“Michael can tell me the address and give me the keys. I believe he has a spare one, for emergency… he was saying something like that before. You know I can be very pers…” Magnus was on roll and Alec rolled his eyes, “…very persuasive, yes, believe me, I know.” Magnus smiled impressed.

“I still can’t believe this, Alexander.” Magnus sat on the bed beside Alec, slowly tracing the cut on Alec’s cheek. Alec closed his eyes.

“Can’t believe what?”

“That I’m here, with you. Taking care of you. You accepting me and not pushing away.”

“Honestly, I don’t think I could keep that up anymore, Magnus. I tried a lot. But I guess I needed to almost lie in a pool of my own blood in a fucking alley in your arms to understand that I don’t wanna go like that… that I wanna live my life with you. I love you.” Alec murmured, inhaling sharply and Magnus cried. He literally started to sob like a little baby putting his head on Alec’s chest facing away.

Alec frowned in concern, “Hey, why are you crying? Magnus! Look at me. What did I do now?” Alec put his less injured hand on Magnus’s head and carded his fingers through his hair. Magnus looked up slowly.

“You said it. For the first time, since you woke up.” Magnus sniffled, Alec smiled.

“I did.” Alec, as he realized, smiled beaming with love and joy, “I guess confessing on deathbed doesn’t count as much as the one being fully awake.” Alec held Magnus’s hand and squeezed it smiling. Magnus couldn’t stop his face splitting in an enormous smile.

“That mattered, Alexander. That mattered a lot more than you think. But this means a lot too. I guess it’ll always mean a lot me whenever you’ll say that.”

“You better get used to it then. Because I won’t like to see you crying every time I’ll say that. Because I’m gonna say it a lot more… like every day, every morning, with kisses if you want, every night as well.” Magnus couldn’t believe how different Alec sounded, being all romantic and happy and yet it still sounded like something only Alec can say to Magnus.

Magnus smiled shy, “I’d love that. Waking up to that every morning and going to sleep to it every night and your kisses with that. And maybe some occasional ones as well.”

“Did we just plan for moving in together?” Alec arched his eyebrow.

“Did we?” Magnus deadpanned but a smile spread on his face anyway.

“I love you, Magnus.” Alec murmured sleepily as his meds kicked in again. Magnus’s eyes watered anyway but with a spark of love.

“I love you, Alexander.” Magnus kissed Alec’s forehead as he was almost asleep.

 

**58 – Coming home**

Alec was shocked when he entered into his apartment a week later with Michael and Magnus supporting him. Michael was angry when Alec vehemently refused to use a crutch but he brought a pair anyway for some emergency. The apartment was ridiculously clean.

“What the hell have you done to this place, Michael?” Alec hobbled out of Magnus’s hold and swayed around dangerously on one foot. His other foot was still wrapped in a thick bandage.

“Babe, can you please be a bit careful!” Magnus rolled his eyes and went to grab Alec. By now the bruises on ribs were gone enough and Alec could laugh a bit freely. He was recovering quite quickly. Alec never protested to Magnus’s all different, sickeningly-in-love nicknames for him.

“Lyd and I cleaned it out a bit. It smelt like dead rats in here, kiddo.” Magnus replied watching the two men catching a breath. Alec flopped down on the sofa with Michael beside him. Magnus smiled at the memory of how he got to meet Lydia, Michael’s wife.

“I’m getting too old to carry you, Kiddo.” Michael mumbled in protest when he winced while trying to stretch his back.

Magnus got habituated with Michael calling Alec - a 6’3” giant of 28 years old -‘Kiddo’. It was ridiculous to see that a man like Alec who acted like older than his age was actually a joyous kid from inside. It showed more since he started to open up.

“Wait... how did Magnus meet Lyd, again?” Alec saw Michael blushing bright red. “Magnus? What’s the story I’m missing?”

Magnus chuckled lightly before answering, “Well, one afternoon I was moving some things here when you’re asleep. I didn’t know Michael would to be here, cleaning and all. So I used the key and walked right into Michael and Lydia’s heavy make-out session on the kitchen counter.”

“Wow, Magnus. I so hate you. He’s my baby brother for heaven’s sake, making you quite the same.” Michael mocked annoy. Alec broke into a huge laugh which he couldn’t continue for more than 5 seconds.

“I so love my family.” Alec said between breaths.

Magnus and Michael looked at each other and then at Alec, both wondering when was the last time Alec smiled so pure and talked about family and was so happy.

 

**59 – Fidgety Alec**

It’s been a week since Magnus moved to Alec’s clumsy apartment. Magnus liked the place. It was cozy and breathable. Grey walls were a bit depressing but it suited Alec and the theme around the place, black couches, white sheets, matching rug and all. There were small paintings on the wall, all signed by Lydia and a few framed pictures, all sunsets and at different places.

But Magnus noticed that there weren’t any pictures of Alec or his family except the one on the fridge door from Michael and Lydia’s wedding with a small note in handwriting in the wide side-border – _Bride and Groom with their Best Man, literally_. There was a heart sign at the end.

The apartment didn’t have a guest room and sleeping on a couch wasn’t an option. So they decided to share Alec’s queen size bed. Alec was hesitating at first but he was the one who suggested that idea. Alec let Magnus use the dinner table for his work stuff as they never used that to eat. Somehow Magnus got a happy feeling of home there with Alec than his really big but cold loft, being all alone.

The pain made Alec only fussier, mostly with food. Alec had the appetite of a kid, all unhealthy and greasy and half of the normal portion. If he could he’d live on pizza, fried chicken and bitter black coffee for the rest of his life except Magnus only got him healthy foods. Magnus thanked God that Alec couldn’t run away from food with his impossibly long legs in gym shorts that he was comfortable to wear because of the bandage, not that Magnus stared at them while he helped Alec to dress after giving him sponge baths every morning.

Alec was still awkward about accepting and asking for help from others. That bothered Magnus, especially when he hopped around the room doing things that he really didn’t need to do and didn’t even ask Magnus. Alec was like a toddler who just learned to walk, always on his feet, running, in his case hopping. Magnus was worried that’d slow Alec’s recovery, he needed rest.

So when Alec sat on the bed fidgeting with his phone and worrying as Cat wanted to visit and change his dressings, Magnus had to calm him down. Alec asked Michael for someone else because he didn’t want to be taken care of by Magnus’s best friend as well.

Alec knew he had put Magnus through enough. He wasn’t sure how Cat felt about him. He didn’t want to be difficult as he always was and put Magnus in some situation that affects his relationship with Cat that could be easily avoided with a different nurse.

 

**60 – Cat’s acceptance**

“Sweetheart, please stop thinking like that. She doesn’t mind doing this. She wants to help. She actually likes you. So stop fidgeting and let her do her work.” Magnus sat beside Alec facing him stroking his still long hair out of his forehead. Alec refused to get a haircut. Magnus secretly loved it because Alec looked really fucking sexy like that.

“But Magnus, she’s your friend. She doesn’t need to do that.” Alec whined. They didn’t notice when Cat walked in with Michael.

“But I do, Alec.” They both saw her standing at the doorway smiling, “I know I don’t have to but I want to. It’s my job, Alec. And if it means I can help Magnus with you, I’d do it. You’re forgetting that once I considered you a friend too.” She smiled sweetly, “I still do, Alec. Let me help you. If you want you can help me by choosing a perfect wine for my wedding, how about that?” Cat smiled. Magnus and Alec were momentarily taken aback.

“Wait, you’ve set the date?” Magnus asked her smiling and hugging as she nodded.

“I’d love to, Cat.” Alec smiled and Cat leaned in to hug him.

“You do remember you owe me one, right Mags?” Cat turned to her friend who nodded smiling, “Well, I want you to design my wedding dress and a suit for Rag and something for our engagement party. We’ve decided to announce the date in that party.” Magnus beamed at her smiling so bright that Alec couldn’t take his eyes off of him. He clapped his hands and hugged Cat.

“Oh my God. Did you really think I’d let anyone else design your wedding dress, huh? Only I can do that. When’s the engagement party?”

“Umm… 2 weeks?” Cat smiled apologetically but Magnus just looked at her horrified.

“2 weeks… 2 weeks?! How do you expect me to make the beautiful dress ever in 2 weeks? It needs time. Oh my God… I have to call Clary.” Magnus started to panic and shuffle around the room. Michael and Alec both started to laugh but there was a sweet adoration in Alec’s eyes. He loved the workaholic and passionate-about-his-work side of Magnus.

“Oh, Mags! But I need the most beautiful one for the wedding. Just do what you can do in two weeks.” Cat smiled at him lovingly and Magnus calmed down slowly. “And thanks, Alec. You know, we hurt them who we love the most. So I know you love Magnus. Just take care of each other now. Be happy.”

“I hurt him so much and yet you approve of me. This means a lot to me, Cat,” Alec looked at Magnus once before continuing, “…Because I know how much you mean to him. As his family, I know he considers you so, your approval matters Cat.”

“Fucking idiotic ass.” Magnus muttered before running out of the room. Never ever he imagined that Alec was worried because of Cat not approving him with Magnus. Alec was becoming this giant ball of fluff and romantic and sappy that made Magnus fall in love with him more than ever.

Cat and Michael smiled as Alec sat looking at all of them baffled. “What now? What did I do now? Why did he leave crying? Get him in here.” He looked at Michael, “Magnus!” Alec shouted after.

 

**61 – Black Wardrobe**

“Just get me that damn black t-shirt Magnus, that’s all.” Alec sat on the bed pouting as Magnus stood blankly in front of Alec’s wardrobe.

“I swear on God Alec if you shout one more time for a frigging black t-shirt in a closet full of black clothes, I… I will… I…” Magnus had no idea what he wanted to say because he was too damn pissed.

Alec got just worse when Michael took him off the pain meds after Cat changed his final bandage on his leg. It was quite healed but he still had to have a small bandage just for safety. Sometimes the pain made Alec cranky, Magnus noticed.

“You’ll do what?” Alec just smiled at flustering Magnus, “That one in your hand Babe, that’ll do.”

“Don’t…. Don’t… you dare Alexander Wayland… Don’t gimme that sexy-as-fuck smile of yours.” Magnus gave the shirt to Alec who slipped it on while watching Magnus change into a night suit.

“Already getting tired of me huh?” Alec asked as he pulled up the blanket and slipped under, not looking at Magnus whose eyes just shot back at him. Magnus felt bad for being mad at Alec for having only black clothes. He knew Alec was having a hard time without his meds sometimes. He crawled into the bed beside Alec.

“No Love, don’t think like that. I’m never gonna get tired of you.” Magnus cupped his cheeks, “Just all those black, overworn, faded, ripped, full of holes, oversized, sad clothes makes me… sad, really, really sad. Color will suit you, honey. I just can’t understand why you don’t wanna try.”

Alec looked at Magnus, both of their expression softening. They slept in the same bed. They kissed sometimes, shared loving touches and said ‘I love you’ at random moments but there still was some hesitation between them. Some dark cloud still hung in between them.

“Someday, Magnus,” Alec got out of Magnus’s hold and lied down on his side, “For you, I’ll try to wear colors.” Alec didn’t look back at Magnus anymore. Magnus breathed sharply and decided against his better judgment to not push Alec.

“Good night, babe.” Magnus lied down on the other side of the bed leaving a gap between them.

“Good night, Magnus.” There was no forehead kiss that night. Magnus forgot.

Magnus closed his eyes thinking about the last time he talked to Michael, _“He is a terrible kid when he wants to be. You indulging to all his nonsense will only make things worse for you. He has his good days and bad days. He’ll need you to be there on both days. Don’t be afraid of anything.”_

After that night Magnus only promised to himself that he’ll never let Alec go to sleep sad like that and without those goodnight kisses. And also, screw Michael and his subtle hints.

 

**62 – Let’s talk part 1**

“Why did you call me here Jace?” Simon tried to sound brave but he was failing miserably as he walked into Jace’s office.

“I wanted to talk about Izzy.” Jace kept his cool.

“Of course you did.” Simon chuckled half-heartedly.

“I’m serious, Si. Izzy told me her version. But I wanna know yours.” Jace was really trying to keep a straight face.

“I have nothing to say to you, Jace. I told her how I felt. And now it’s her decision.”

“Jesus Si! For once can you not be vigilant about me? I’m trying to be friendly here. I didn’t call you here to kill you or something for ditching my idiot sister.” Jace panicked and Simon looked at him surprised. To be fair, Simon really thought Jace wanted to kill him for hurting Izzy. “I’m trying Simon. I’m really trying. Just humor me okay? Please. Because I know how much she loves you and you love her. I really don’t wanna see two of the best people in my life being hurt because they loved too much. I know I’ve always been a jerk and you really expect me to act like one knowing how much I’ve hurt your best friend and maybe yeah, I do deserve to be treated like that but you don’t. And neither does Izzy. So please, talk to me so that I can do one good thing in my life and help my sister.”

It was too much for Jace to open up like that and that to Simon. But for Izzy, he’d do anything in this world. Simon was more than shocked and speechless. So just like the dork he is, he blurted out “Who are you? And what have you done to the sassy ass Jace Lightwood?”

Jace only looked at Simon confused.

“No really, Jace. Where is this coming from? Who are you?”

“Simon, please don’t joke.”

“It’s hard to believe, Jace. It’s really hard to believe that you’re trying to talk to me, without your sass, in a civil manner and all because of Izzy.” Simon smiled at Jace. He could see the worry of a brother and honesty in his eyes.

 

**63 – Let’s talk part 2**

“What happened at the hospital? Izzy said when she called you; you were there, for a friend.” Jace tried to change the topic and focus on the issue knowing exactly who that friend was. He had a very detailed talk with Izzy about that. Simon nodded as he understood Jace being uncomfortable to talk about himself.

“Yes. That night after you, Clary left alone. When Magnus and I were coming out Clary came back running. She was jumped at an alley.” Simon saw Jace’s expression change to distress. “Don’t worry. She was saved by an old friend of mine. She ran from there scared and came back to the club. Izzy was gone by then. Magnus, she and I went back to the alley to find Alec, my friend, lying in a pool of blood.” Simon noticed the same change again, this time mixed with panic and genuine worry.

“We got him to hospital. He barely lived. I knew Alec and Magnus for a long time but never knew they loved each other so much. They had their complications and Alec when he thought he would die, he realized his love and confessed. He wanted to live and fight, for love. Their love is so strong that got Alec back from dead. It got me thinking, do I love Izzy that much? Instantly I knew my answer. When Izzy called, I was just watching Magnus still fighting to make a comatose Alec, live. And it worked. I told everything to Izzy and asked her the same. She didn’t reply anything. I know she loves me and every love can’t be the same. It’s wrong to compare but I’m tired, Jace. I want her, I need her… I love her. But I can’t do this anymore. I can’t live with the uncertainty and heartaches anymore. I want to spend my life with her, Jace, I want that positivity. Tell me I’m wrong.”

“You’re not. I was.” They didn’t see when Izzy came. Simon stood up as Izzy slowly walked in. They faced each other.

“Iz, I…”

“I love you too, Simon Lewis. And I can’t imagine my life without you. I’m no less an idiot than Jace. So if you’ll still have me…” Izzy choked. Simon stepped to her smiling and closed the gap, engulfing her in a bear hug.

“I know, Princess.”

“I’d die without you, Si. Please forgive me.” She sniffled in his jacket as he hugged her close.

“Clary!” Jace saw his girlfriend lurking at the back. He started to walk to her smiling but then he suddenly stopped. His smile gone. Clary saw him stopping dead in his track, so she started stepping closer. It was always like she had to be the brave one between them.

“When will you learn, Jace?” Clary murmured looking him in the eye, “That I love you.” He looked up blinking tears that pricked his eyes. He opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. One step and he let go of himself in Clary’s arms. Clary accepted him happily and felt Jace’s silent, hot tears on her back.

“Sass queen… speechless… Good job, Red.” Simon couldn’t stop the comment and everybody laughed, except Jace, who just glared at Simon teary-eyed but a smile tugged at his lips.

 

**64 – Nightmare**

Magnus woke up with a jostling movement beside him. He sat up and stared at the scene, blank and horrified. He had no idea what to do. His sleep was gone and he just stared at Alec pale-faced.

Alec thrashed sideways. It started slow but escalated faster than Magnus could understand. He was mumbling something repeatedly, like a prayer. Tears were running down the corner of his eyes, wetting his pillow through his hair. His floppy hair was a wet mess with sweat and sticking to his forehead. Alec grabbed hold of the blanket and gripped on it as if his life depended on it.

Magnus was pretty much sure Alec was having a very bad nightmare. He leaned in closer to hold Alec. He got his head close enough to hear what Alec was mumbling. He was repeatedly saying sorry to someone. At first, Magnus thought he was saying _I’m sorry Mags_. At least that’s what it sounded like. Magnus leaned closer.

“Oh Alec,” Magnus touched Alec’s arms. Even his skin was wet with sweat even though he shivered lightly. His jaw locked. Magnus stroked the hair strands out of his face and brushed his cheek shushing him lightly, leaning his chin above Alec’s head. That’s when he heard the actual words. Magnus shot back up.

 

Magnus stared wide-eyed at the pale face of Alec, contorting in pain. He was still shivering and thrashing. Magnus knew he needed to wake Alec up before he hurt his healing wounds. To Magnus’s definite shock, even before he could wake him, Alec shot right up from the bed, screaming a cathartic cry of ‘no’, hands outstretched, blank eyes and panting loudly. Magnus flinched away.

 

**65 – Vulnerability**

“Alec?” Magnus didn’t even hear his own voice.

After sitting like that for God knows how long, Magnus found his voice. Alec was still shivering and trying to calm his breath. His faded chapped lips moved continuously but nothing came out. His head jerked up at the voice. Magnus wondered if Alec even recognized him as his eyes were unfocused and glassy. Magnus scooted closer and gingerly put his arms around Alec who willingly leaned his body into the touch and fell limp in his arms. Magnus was mad worried about the adrenaline rush but he noticed Alec’s breath getting slower gradually.

Magnus helped Alec to lay and calm down. He stroked his hair and cheeks repeatedly cooing soothing words. Alec relaxed a bit but his posture was so clinical, arms straight beside his body, legs stretched in perfect align. Magnus looked at Alec who looked scared and lost.

“Kiss me.”

Magnus barely heard that. So he thought he heard wrong. But Alec did say that. Magnus looked shocked and confused. He couldn’t deny the certain sexual tension between them when they were all alone and close. But that was neither a place nor a situation for that.

“Please. Kiss me. Please.” Alec begged with red-rimmed eyes. Magnus flinched. He knew it was wrong. Everything about that night was just wrong.

“Please,” Alec begged again, his voice wavering and breaking.

Magnus bent a bit closer gingerly, “Alec, babe, please don’t do this. This is not a situation for that. I can’t do that to you when you’re not even in the right mind. Please, Baby.” Alec just looked at him in the eye. There were so much pain and fear and helplessness in those hazel eyes. Magnus always knew Alec as headstrong and independent. But the Alec lay beside him was broken, lost and vulnerable. With his eyes, he was begging Magnus to kiss him and take the pain away.

“Baby, please. We can do this later. Please sleep now, please.” Magnus tried for one last time but for Alec’s sake, Magnus gave in. At this moment, seeing Alec like that, Magnus knew he’d do anything to comfort Alec.

He leaned in and hesitated. He kept his eyes trained on Alec’s face, waiting for one uncertainty, one expression so that he could spare both of them from another wrong. Alec wasn’t the one to back away. So Magnus brushed his lips lightly on Alec’s.

The moment there was a touch, Magnus felt Alec’s whole body shudder beside him, his lips tremble. Magnus pulled away that instant and horrified he watched Alec turning away from him, breaking in a sob. He pulled his knees up closer to his chest and crossed his arms around his body, hugging himself close. His shoulder shook from crying as loud gasps for air left. His mouth was buried in pillow almost to suffocate himself.

 

**66– Questions and Promises**

Magnus just sat there, shocked, watching Alec. The summer night was hot yet Magnus felt chills in his bones. Michael’s words swam in his head, _Good days and bad days… don’t be afraid of anything_. For the first time in 4 years he’s known Alec, Magnus was scared. He was pure and genuinely scared… of losing Alec… to something that he has no idea of.

“What the fuck happened to you, Alexander? What broke you so much? Who did this to you?” Magnus murmured to the night right before he reached out to touch Alec. And he was shocked once more.

Alec just suddenly turned back and snuggled closer to Magnus, pressing his whole body against him, burying his face in his chest. Magnus just awkwardly laid there holding Alec in his arms, rocking him back and forth as much as possible and let him cry. There was no point of shushing to stop Alec anymore. Alec needed to vent it out, cry for once knowing that there’s still someone to soothe him, be with him, hold him close and comfort him.

“I promise you, my love; I’ll never let you be alone. I’ll never leave you. And I’ll find out what happened to you. I’ll find out who did this to you. I’ll always stand by you, Alexander. So sleep now, my baby, sleep.” Magnus slowly stroked his back and felt Alec relaxing in his arms a bit. Soon enough Alec did fell asleep in his arms, still clutching the front of his shirt. Magnus gently laid him down on the bed and wiped his tear stains. Finally, he kissed his temple before tucking him under the blanket. “Good night, angel.”

Magnus hopped out of the bed. His sleep was gone. Instead, his mind filled with a thousand different questions. But only one of them stood out - Alec’s past. Magnus literally knew nothing about Alec’s past. And that past held every answer to his questions.

 

**67 – Regret and Doubt**

Magnus went to the kitchen to get some water. His head was throbbing. He saw the clock on the nightstand, 3:07 am. It was late to call Michael. But Magnus was in desperate need to talk to someone. Even though everyone knew Cat was Magnus’s best friend, it was Ragnor who knew him all his life.

Ragnor was Magnus’s friend from school. Some years before his parents died, Magnus became friends with Ragnor. He’s been with him through his parents’ death, his early struggles as dancer and model, his losing everything his parents left for him and all. Ragnor was his constant support when Magnus was broke, economically and mentally. Ragnor supported him to follow his dreams. Ragnor was his first partner to start BANE. Ragnor even modeled for him when he needed to draw new designs. Ragnor has always been there for him. And at that moment, Ragnor was the only one with whom he wanted to talk. Magnus didn’t think twice before he dialed his number.

“Ragnor?”

“Mags? It’s middle of the night, Buddy. You okay?”

“Yeah… No… I mean…” Magnus’s voice was a bit hoarse and Ragnor caught that.

“Hey, is everything okay? Talk to me Mags, what’s wrong.”

“Rag, I’m… I’m scared.” Tears pooled in his eyes.

“Scared about what?”

“Alec…”

“What about Alec?”

“He has nightmares, Rag. Like I used to have after mom and dad died. But this is way worse than that. I can’t bear to look at him like that, Rag. He’s hurting so much.”

“Calm down, Mags. You love him. Concentrate on that. You have to be there for him and help him through. If you get scared, Alec will lose it. It’s time to be his anchor Mags, his support.”

“I get it Rag but…”

“But what?”

“His past, Rag… It’s… it’s bothering me. I feel like I don’t even know this man who’s lying in our bed right now. He seems so vulnerable and broken and… and not himself. He seems like a completely different man.”

“Are you having doubts, Magnus? Are you regretting? Getting into this relationship without properly knowing him.”

“No... No, definitely not. I’m not regretting this relationship. I love him, Ragnor. I know it for a fact. It’s just… I can’t wrap my head around the fact that Alec has way too much baggage in his past.” His answer was quick.

“And you’re thinking what if it gets too much for you too; right, what if you can’t accept it all? You’re worried that you’ll falter, that it will affect you too much.”

“Yes…”

“Mags, love is really strong. It can go through anything. Not everybody understands it or gets it easily. But when you have it, right with you, you have to fight for it, to keep it. You have to give Alec a chance. You have to hold on to your faith and love. And you have to talk to him.”

“I don’t know if he wants to, Rag. That is also scary. Why can’t he trust me to tell me the truth?”

“Because that’s how he’s been living all these years. He’s never shared with anyone, right? And all of a sudden, with all these new feelings he gets for you… it’s not easy to talk when he’s done so much to avoid it. Just give him time. Show him your love. But eventually, you’ll have to talk.”

“Yeah… thanks, Rag. Sorry for calling you so late.”

“Anytime, buddy. Get some sleep. We can talk later if you want.”

“Bye, Rag. Good night.”

“Good night, Mags.”

“It’s almost morning.”

“Shut up and go to bed.”

 

**68 – Just another morning**

Alec woke up to the smell of food. He felt tired. But he decided to get out of bed anyway. He walked into the kitchen when he heard the music on. He peeked in and saw Magnus, a pan in one hand, other in the air, ruffled hair, silk shorts and robe, working his hips while moving around in his really small kitchen.

Alec stared at him mesmerized because Magnus looked so barefoot-and-sexy-in-my-kitchen’ kinda hot in that half-open robe and morning hair. He couldn’t help but notice the song when Magnus sang the lyrics out loud, “ _I’ve fallen in love/ I’ve fallen in love for the first time and this time I know it’s for real/ I’ve fallen in love/ God knows, God knows I’ve fallen in love/ It’s strange but it’s true/ I can’t get over the way you love me like you do…_ ”.

Magnus finished the song before turning while Alec leaned on the wall, staring. When Magnus turned he got so shocked that he almost dropped a plate.

“Oh God… you scared me.” Magnus dramatically sighed and placed a hand on his heart, “How long have you been standing there?”

“Long enough to wonder exactly how sexy my boyfriend is.” Alec smiled walking to him and placed a kiss on his temple before taking two cups out. “Queen’s your favorite?” Alec asked, still smiling at Magnus and running his eyes over Magnus, from head to toe. Magnus noticed it when Alec gulped involuntarily and his eyes darkened.

“Umm no. It’s on your playlist. I just like the song. You have a really varied collection.” Magnus blushed furiously.

Magnus secretly loved when Alec kissed him on the head and looked at him like that, all loving and hungry. It’s Alec’s way of saying good morning. It’s different to be watched among a hundred different people in the dimmed light of a club and in a kitchen on a bright morning with a plate in hand.

“You sing well. I didn’t know that. And I see you’re getting well acquainted with my kitchen.” Alec took the plate from Magnus and sat on a high chair at the kitchen bar.

“I don’t sing much. Just this song… it’s good.” Magnus turned to grab the coffee. He wasn’t used to being complimented for singing. His friends always told him to shut up and that he’s a terrible singer. So he wondered if Alec was ‘just’ complimenting or ‘really’ complimenting. Meanwhile, Alec picked up a couple of pancakes that Magnus made, from the stack and started to eat.

“Hmm, it’s good. You’re a good cook too. What else Magnus, you’re a man, full of surprises.” Alec smiled, his fatigue forgotten.

Magnus placed two cups of coffee before them and watched Alec, eating so happily. He mentally noted to make something packed with sugar after Alec has nightmares as he saw Alec devouring 4 chocolate pancake with chocolate chips and syrup.

“You love chocolate?” Magnus asked.

“No. I think I love my boyfriend making breakfast for me.” Alec spoke between mouthfuls.

But Magnus got worried seeing how happy Alec was. It didn’t even seem like he had a difficult night or he cried so much or didn’t get much sleep or anything. Everything seemed like just another morning.

 

**69 – Just one kiss**

Magnus didn’t realize that he was staring at Alec until he heard him.

“Come here,” Alec looked at him shy and turned on his chair to face Magnus. When Magnus stood a bit away, Alec grabbed his wrist and pulled him closer, wrapping his arms around his waist.

“Alec!” Magnus giggled after rolling his eyes and tried to wiggle out but Alec held strong. He had this happy, content smile on his face that Magnus couldn’t help but smile too. “What is it?” Magnus skimmed his fingers through Alec’s hair, brushing them off his face and finally resting and playing with the short ones at his neck. Magnus was wondering how someone can look so happy and fresh after a night like that.

Magnus was taken by surprise when Alec pushed up and kissed him. Magnus responded with a moan as Alec licked his lips. He grabbed Magnus by hips making him sit on his lap and deepened the kiss. His hands splayed on his back going under the robe, fingers caressing every inch of his skin, their chests touching, feeling each other’s warmth and frantic heartbeat. Magnus forgot the world around him for a while and got lost in the pleasure of those lips and touches that did wonders on his soul. It was like Alec was worshipping Magnus’s lips with his own. But soon Magnus pulled back when he felt Alec hardening under him.

“Why, Alec? Why are you doing this?”

Magnus whispered as they both had their eyes closed and resting their foreheads and brushing their noses together, breathing softly.

“I thought… I thought we… we need this, Magnus. Our bodies… we need it.” Alec stuttered.

“‘We’?” Magnus broke the contact and gazed into Alec’s hazel eyes. He seemed scared. “Alec, if you need it… I can understand… I can feel it too, Love…” Magnus stroke his cheek softly, still sitting on his lap even though Alec dropped his hold and looked down. “Hey, look up. You have nothing to be ashamed of, baby. I want it too. But not like this. Not because our bodies need it. I want to be one with you because you want me and I want you and we both feel it. I want to love you, Alec, not fuck you to satisfy a need. That’s…” Magnus didn’t know how to say it more politely. He hoped Alec got the meaning.

“I… I’m sorry… I didn’t… I didn’t mean it… like that. I… I…” Alec stuttered looking down but Magnus cupped his face making him look up. “I love you, Magnus. I love you a lot.” Magnus could see the vulnerability in those hazel eyes. So he kissed those red lips again, pouring his heart out in that kiss just to reassure that Alec shouldn’t be scared with him.

Magnus hugged Alec as his head rest on Magnus’s chest, “I love you too, Alexander. I love you too. But please, don’t do this. Don’t put me in situations where I can’t stop.” Magnus paused and chose his words carefully, “You did it last night too.”

Alec looked up suddenly.

 

**70 – Remember**

Magnus got confused because Alec was confused.

“What? What did I do last night?”

When Magnus didn’t answer, Alec thought the worst, “I didn’t… please, tell me I didn’t… I didn’t do something wrong to you, right?” Alec was horrified.

“No. No babe, you didn’t do anything wrong. Don’t think like that.” Magnus stared at Alec for a few seconds before realizing what’s happening. “Wait… You don’t remember. You remember nothing from last night?” _So that’s why he was smiling and happy and fresh. Cause he doesn’t remember anything_ , he thought.

“What? What are you talking about? What have I done?” Alec noticed how Magnus’s tongue darted out a bit and ran over his bottom lip. It’s a nervous tick. “Magnus, tell me.” Alec pressed when Magnus shuffled in his arms and bit his lips. Alec literally forced himself to not jump and kiss Magnus so he can bite the lip himself. He mentally shook his head and focused on the topic. “Magnus…”

“Okay, okay… it’s just… it’s… you… you had a nightmare… last night. And you were screaming and crying. You asked me to kiss you. Like you wanted me to take the pain away through the kiss. But when I touched your lips, you… you just broke down… into a terrible sob. You were moving so much… I couldn’t hold you… I was worried about your wounds… oh God… I was so scared, Alec… I was really scared…” Magnus hugged Alec tightly, hiding his face in the crook of his neck and felt his warmth. At first, Alec looked startled but his expression changed soon. Alec hugged him back.

“It’s okay, Magnus, it is okay. Shh. Shh. I’m sorry I scared you, babe. But it’s okay now. I’m fine babe, I’m here.” Alec reassured Magnus.

Magnus couldn’t believe it. He was supposed to be the one helping Alec, calming him, be his rock. Instead, there he was, hiding in Alec’s arms, scared like shit and Alec was stroking his hair and back to calm him down.

“I know, Magnus. I have nightmares. Pretty bad ones. Usually, I don’t remember them. Michael told me how bad they get sometimes. We tried things to stop it but it happens anyway. It’s become less frequent though. I’m sorry I scared you, baby.” Alec whispered.

Magnus sat up and looked in his eyes. “No, Alec. You have nothing to be sorry about. If you don’t remember it, it’s not your fault. But can I ask you something?”

“Anything, love. You don’t have to ask for permission.”

“Who is Max?”

Magnus could still hear that murmuring of Alec, “ _I’m sorry Max, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry Max. I’m sorry._ ” It wasn’t ‘Mags’.

This was the moment, Magnus could feel it.

 

**71 – Overcoming**

Magnus saw Alec flinch. In a flurry of motion, Alec dropped his hold around Magnus and shuffled to get up. But Magnus held him down by grabbing his upper arms. Alec placed his hands on Magnus’s wrist trying to take them off, but Magnus held on.

“Don’t, Alec. Please don’t avoid this. We have to talk.” Magnus noticed how uncomfortable Alec got but he knew he had to do this, sooner rather than later. “Alexander, babe, I’m with you. I’ll always be with you. Just talk to me. Don’t push me away. If we’re gonna do this, we’ll do this together. We are in this together. Please, baby, let me in. Let me help you. Please, Alec. Please talk to me.”

Magnus maintained the eye contact. He had a feeling that Alec will need all the reassurances he has, to offer. He realized that he needs to make Alec 100% comfortable with him.

Alec, on the other hand, was struggling. He was shocked when Magnus asked about Max. Yet he didn’t question how Magnus found out that name. He knew he must’ve taken the name during his nightmare, the usual one he gets most of the time. He didn’t want to have this conversation with Magnus ever, let alone this early in their relationship. And with that, all his insecurities just surfaced. But how could he run from the confinement of Magnus’s arms, his soothing and calming voice, his loving eyes, his reassuring smiles and kisses, Magnus’s love?

If Alec had even a less than a percent doubt about his love for Magnus left in his soul, it was gone in that moment. The realizations hit him like a tide. Magnus was his saving grace, his light at the end of the tunnel, keeper of his heart. But none of these were helping him to calm down. His heart was racing in his chest, making him feel a bit suffocated.

“Alec?” Magnus stroked his face slowly, making him look into his clear brown eyes, “Alexander, babe, calm down. It’s okay. It’s just a question. Don’t be so stressed.” Magnus placed a palm over Alec’s heart, feeling his frantic heartbeat. “Tell me when you’re comfortable.” And placed Alec’s hand over his own heart. Alec looked up, feeling Magnus’s heartbeat matching his own. It was weirdly reassuring to actually feel that he wasn’t the only one nervous at that moment.

Alec cocked his head and toyed with his bottom lip deliberately, “How about never?” he noticed Magnus’s eyes go wide a bit.

“Don’t try to get cute with me now.” Magnus narrowed his eyes, realizing Alec was going to try anything to avoid the topic.

“Okay, okay. No need to get feisty now.” Alec chewed his lip a bit more, popped his neck, threw some puppy eye and trailed his finger on Magnus’s caramel chest. Magnus grabbed his wrist stopping his movement. Alec was trying his level best to get out of the situation, being cute and sexy and whatever he could think of in his foggy brain.

“Alec… Please.” Magnus begged and saw Alec’s expression change.

“Okay. If you must… need to know…” Alec closed his eyes. Magnus was still sitting on Alec’s lap, their arms around each other, “Max is… was… my baby brother.”

 

**72 – Max**

Magnus was silent for some time. Alec hid his face again in Magnus’s chest. Magnus just tightened his arms around Alec, giving him assurance of love, safety and understanding. They both used the silence to let the words sink in.

“What happened?” Magnus whispered, placing his chin above Alec’s head.

“Fire. We were home alone, making his favorite cake. I was gone for a moment and Max…” Alec’s voice choked, he snuggled in closer, “He… didn’t see. It spread really quickly. By the time I was back, the kitchen was… it was almost burned. There were so much fire and smoke and my eyes and lungs… they started to burn. I tried to find him. He was screaming for me, asking for help… “Alec, help me”… “Alec, please save me”… “Alec, I can’t breathe”… “Alec, get me out of here”… “Alec, I can’t see anything”… “Alec, where are you”… “Alec, I’m scared”…”

Magnus couldn’t hear it anymore, it was too much. But he didn’t stop Alec. He knew Alec needed to say it out loud, for once in his life. “I can still hear him… 13 years and… I can still hear Max, crying and coughing and asking me to save him. I couldn’t. I couldn’t find him. I gave up on my baby brother. I left him in there alone. He suffered so much. He suffered for me. He was just 9 years old. He deserved to live. And I… I killed him. I couldn’t protect my baby brother. I failed him. I failed him, Magnus, I failed him.”

Magnus could feel his chest getting wet from Alec’s hot tears. He himself was in tears too. He hugged Alec closer than ever. He felt helpless when Alec kept shaking and his arms weren’t enough to calm him. Magnus stroke the back of Alec’s neck and hair in a vain attempt. “Those men… they pulled me out… they promised me to find him… they promised they’d save him… they didn’t… they couldn’t save him… I should’ve stayed… I shouldn’t have left when they dragged me out… I shouldn’t have left Max in there alone… I was supposed to save him… I didn’t… I failed him…”

Magnus couldn’t hear it anymore. He hugged Alec as much as possible. He felt Alec pressing his face in his throat as Magnus leaned his chin on top of Alec’s head. He felt how Alec tried to stifle his silent sob, his mouth open and lips wet, puffing hot and uneven breaths on Magnus’s neck. If it was a different circumstance, Magnus would’ve reveled how Alec was undone in his arms and tried to seek comfort. But seeing Alec, a man who rarely fault a step, like that, Magnus could feel how his own heart clenching, not from Alec’s pain, but from his own love, for Alec. Feeling Alec like that, so close to him, yet so away, Magnus was sure he won’t be able to let go, ever. It was a heady feeling, a novelty and scary, at the same time.

It was hard to hear how a 9-year-old kid died, suffering so much. But it was even harder to see a 28-year-old reliving a nightmare for 13 years and going back to that moment when he was just a teenager and unable to help his brother. Magnus couldn’t imagine Alec’s pain. Alec and Max were in there together. Max died and Alec lived.

Alec blames himself for being alive. He thinks he’s failed his brother by being alive. He thinks he should’ve died too. Magnus couldn’t think of any feeling worse than this - a survivor’s guilt.

 

**73 –A morning to remember (Turn of events)**

It’s been a week since Alec’s nightmare. It’s been a week since Magnus got to know about Max. It’s been a week Alec closed himself again.

Magnus tried everything but nothing seemed to work with Alec. He was brooding again. He didn’t talk much unless he really had to. He was on complete hands-off approach with Magnus, except the good morning and good night kisses, which he demanded like grumpy cat. Alec only said ‘I love you’ when Magnus said it first. He got startled every time Magnus said that. Alec seemed much more scared and in fear all the time. His guard was up again.

Last 4 mornings, Alec managed to sleep through while Magnus got ready for office. Most days he left some pancakes for Alec. Magnus knew Alec wasn’t sleeping but pretended to. So he let him. Alec was stressing up in himself, overthinking things again. Magnus tried to talk to him and told him repeatedly that Max’s death wasn’t his fault. He deserves to live; to be loved; surviving that day doesn’t make him a failure. But how can you make someone believe that in some days? Someone who lived all these years, in agony and pain, blaming himself.

Magnus wasn’t giving up. He just gave Alec some space, to accept himself, to accept that he had trusted Magnus once and that he can trust him more. Alec needed to believe that Magnus won’t leave him. But Magnus had to think, is there more to it? Is there more that Alec didn’t say?

That morning was different though.

 

Magnus got up early like usual and saw Alec curled up in his limbs. After untangling himself from the blanket he spread it over Alec. Again he cursed himself for being such a blanket stealer. But Alec never fought him in middle of night or complained. Weirdly they never ended up together. Alec strictly slept in his side of bed and allowed Magnus to sleep however he liked. Magnus always found himself sleeping in middle, tangled in blanket and Alec at his side on a very small space, curled up in him. Magnus hated himself for doing that. He kissed Alec’s temple. Then he took a shower, put on some clothes and went to make breakfast.

After eating, he came back in the room again and straight went to the bathroom to brush his teeth. He didn’t notice the empty bed. Once he walked in, he stumbled back while turning around and rammed into the closed door, all within a flash of a second.

“Oww…” Magnus held his nose and leaned front.

“Magnus! What the fuck!” Alec rushed out of the shower, hastily tying a towel around his torso. He didn’t bother to dry himself. And obviously, he slipped.

Magnus rushed to grab him as Alec yelled his name. Yeah, well, he was late. Alec just managed to find a better place to land.

“Agh… Oww…”

“Why do you have blood on your nose?”

Alec didn’t seem to understand that Magnus was under him and he was lying on Magnus, full body.

“Get up you giant… I can’t breathe… babe… you’re heavy.” Magnus squeaked between breaths and Alec rolled off of him, blushing red like a big, ripe tomato.

Alec tried to get up but winced while Magnus sat on the floor and leaned on the door.

 

**74 – A morning to remember (I like what I saw)**

“Babe, you’re bleeding.” Magnus gazed at Alec’s bare torso wide-eyed as he stood up slowly. Some wounds still marred Alec’s body.

“You’re too. Get up…” Alec gave Magnus a hand and helped him up, “Let’s get you cleaned.” Alec went to the cupboard. He came back with a white box as Magnus stared at his boyfriend like a hungry lion, mouthwatering and ready to pounce. He didn’t know one could have such a lust for his own boyfriend. It’s been weeks since he’s seen him all wet and bare and yummy like that. Alec’s been taking shower alone for more than a week now. Magnus licked his lips the moment Alec pushed him down on the toilet seat. He felt a twitch down there at Alec’s touch. He was too busy eye fucking his boyfriend to protest. The scene of an open wound and blood trickling down brought Magnus back on earth. He frowned.

“You need to get cleaned first.” Magnus tried to stand but Alec pushed him down by the shoulder. Magnus was taken by surprise when Alec held at his neck firmly and tilted his head back while dabbing a cotton pad on his nose.

“Stay. It’ll take a few minutes to stop.” Alec frowned at him. “Why the hell do you not see where you’re walking to?” It was more of exasperation than a question.

“I didn’t know you were in the shower.” Magnus’s voice was throaty and gulping was hard to do as he focused on a water drop sliding down from a hair lock to the side of Alec’s face, neck and down. Magnus only saw Alec’s face and neck as he was leaning over him. Magnus had a sudden urge to be the water drop and glide on his boyfriend’s body like that or trace its path with his lips and tongue. He smacked his lips at the thought while Alec seemed unfazed.

“So what? Why did you try to run away? I mean, it’s not the first time you’ve seen me naked.”

“No babe. This was the first time.” Magnus pointed out, “You weren’t exactly naked that night in my loft. And the curtain here is quite friendly.” He smirked and Alec stole his eyes away, blushing furiously.

“I didn’t mean that ‘naked’.” Magnus tried to laugh seeing Alec all red and flustered.

“I know what you meant, babe.” Magnus slowly reached his fingers and touched Alec’s chest, running his fingers through his wet chest hair. Alec closed his eyes for a moment. A flash of the night Magnus got drunk at the club and clung onto him rushed his mind. Suddenly he let go of Magnus’s neck, making him lose his balance.

“Whoa! Hey!” Magnus pouted when Alec stepped back.

“Your bleeding is stopped.” Alec threw the cotton pad in the basket and was about to walk away when Magnus hastily grabbed on his towel with every intention to stop him - not yank it down and see everything.

It was just for a very blessing moment before Magnus managed to look away, closing his eyes and pursing his lips. Alec yanked the towel back and hid his things. Both were redder than a tomato by then. But the glimpse was enough to make Magnus swallow hard.

Magnus stood up, pushed Alec to lean on the wall on his back, got some antiseptics and cleaned the wound, finally securing it with a big sticking plaster. They didn’t say a word but Magnus could feel Alec’s eyes on him constantly.

“Sorry… I didn’t mean to.” Magnus mumbled while smoothing the bandage on just above of left hipbone. He only looked up when Alec caught his wrists.

“It was bound to happen one day, Mags, given how clumsy we both are. It’s a wonder that the towel survived the fall and until your pull. We love each other, right babe?” Magnus nodded while looking at Alec’s hazel eyes. They haven’t been this close in a while. Magnus felt a flutter in his stomach when Alec talked about love and called him ‘Mags’. Alec smiled, “It’s okay you’ve seen it.”

Magnus bit inside his mouth to stifle a laugh. “I like what I saw.” He finally managed to quip and Alec looked at him like he’s offended.

“‘Like’? Just ‘like’? You need a better look to improve your judgment?”

Magnus knew Alec was just joking and yet the words and Alec’s voice ran a chill through him, a good chill. Magnus bit his lip, thinking what he should answer.

Alec just leaned and placed his lips on Magnus’s and kissed him passionately, almost making Magnus melt in the touch. “I’m glad you like it.” Alec whispered in a heated tone and was out of the bathroom before Magnus could regain his composure. It definitely was a morning to remember.

 

**75 - Invitation**

Magnus had to leave Alec at home, alone. He needed to come back to the office. He really needed to work on Cat’s and Rag’s outfit for the party. He also was thinking to surprise Alec by making something for Alec and himself. But he was very much distracted by the events of that morning.

A couple of times he caught himself smiling at the thought or biting his lip until it hurt. Sometimes he was grinning thinking Alec’s words. How the morning turned so playful and seductive just like that. His nose wasn’t hurting anymore but Alec insisted on a sticking plaster. Magnus blushed to remember how Alec put it on his nose before placing a soft kiss on it. Magnus was surprised at the sudden change in Alec’s behavior. He realized that when it came to him, Alec would let go of any wall separating them. He was delighted to see how protective Alec can get about him, despite his own issues.

They haven’t had fun in a while. And Magnus thought it was a good distraction. At least not everything was boring between them. At least they still can find those moments at random. Magnus was happy, if not slightly cheerful. He was again smiling to himself and stared at his blank computer screen when he heard the sharp knock on his cabin door.

“Can I come in?” Magnus looked up at the voice and saw a head peeking in. He was surprised.

“Ragnor! What brought you here?” Ragnor smiled and took a seat in front of Magnus.

“Cat told me she’s already told you about the engagement party. And the outfits…”

“I don’t wanna know if you thought you could escape me…” Magnus pouted feigning anger.

“No. I didn’t. I knew Cat would contact you anyway.” Ragnor laughed, “So I bring the official invitation.” Ragnor handed him an envelope, quite elegant and silver.

“Wow. This looks stunning.” Magnus was reading the card.

“Isabelle’s design. She’s doing the wedding one too.”

“She’s an extremely talented lady. I told ya.”

“Cat appointed her as the wedding manager. I didn’t know we needed one.”

“Smart woman. She deserves better.” The sparring was on between them.

“Everything okay with Alec?”

“And… trust you to kill the mood.” Magnus didn’t look up but Ragnor saw his smile vanishing.

“Wanna talk?”

“Nope. Wanna do this on my own. As you said, I’m keeping my faith.” Magnus finally looked up.

“Good. But we’re always here for you. You know that right?”

“Oh, so it’s already ‘we’ now huh?” Magnus cocked his head, smirking.

“Shut up.” Ragnor rolled his eyes, “I’ll see you there. And don’t you dare to be late. Not even ‘fashionably’.” Ragnor air quoted with his fingers while leaving. “If you are, I’ll ban you from drinks for the whole night.”

“Da. Horror.” Magnus feigned astonishment.

“Hell. Yeah” Ragnor fist pumped in the air and was out.

“See ya there.” Magnus shouted after him.

 

_**To be continued...** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to leave comments or kudos.


	4. Stage 4 – Depression

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter consists of Part/Chapter-75 to Part/Chapter-100 of the Instagram posts.
> 
> Warning - Swear words have been used frequently, throughout the chapter.  
> Warning - Trigger (Self and Inflicted harm)  
> Honestly, I'm terrible at this warning thing. So just bear with me, please.

**76 – A long night**

“Alec! Babe! I’m home.” Magnus called as he walked into the loft.

He noticed the clock on the wall and cursed in his head. It was already past 10. He was really late. He dropped his bag on the table and went to the kitchen to get some water. He noticed a stick note on the counter - _Dinner is in the oven. Good night. Love you._

“Shit.” He went to the bedroom to find Alec.

Alec was propped up against the headboard, awkwardly, placing a couple of pillows under his shoulder to support him up. He probably fell asleep while waiting for Magnus. He still had the iPad in his hands lying by his side.

Magnus carefully removed the iPad from Alec’s hand and placed it on the table. He covered him with the blanket after placing his head on the pillow, shifting his awkward position into a comfortable one. Soon soft snores left his mouth which sounded really adorable. It was the first time Magnus heard him snoring. It was also the first time he’s missed dinner and let Alec sleep without him. Magnus sat on the edge and watched Alec’s innocent face, lips slightly parted. Magnus brushed his fingers on his face moving some wayward hair away. He saw Alec smiling at the touch. Magnus smiled too and bent to kiss Alec on the forehead.

“I’m so sorry, baby. I got tied up in work. I didn’t notice the time. I’ll make it up to you, hmm.” He kissed Alec’s cheek this time, “I hope you like midnight blue.” Another kiss, “Good night, my angel. Sweet dreams.” And a final kiss.

Magnus dragged himself up from sitting there and watching Alec all night. He really could’ve done it all night.

He washed up first and changed into his night suit. He finished his dinner and sat on the couch with a glass of wine, reflecting on the day. He worked a lot that day but he wasn’t tired yet. A design for Alec’s suit was playing in his mind. He went back to the bedroom to check on Alec. When he saw Alec still sleeping, he decided to use the energy by drawing. He put on Alec’s recordings and turned the volume down to the background, humming to Demons by Imagine Dragons while his hand worked on the sketchbook.

Magnus didn’t notice how long he worked until he saw that not only design for Alec’s suit, he also finished a draft design for Ragnor’s best men outfits for the wedding. He still needed Clary’s help for bridesmaids’ outfit. He was so happy with the design that he mailed them to Clary.

Clary has been really helpful since Alec saved her. She took all the extra responsibility happily and helped Magnus when he was on leave to take care of Alec. Even though Alec avoided her since the incident for some reason, Clary never lost a chance to show her gratitude which included sending fresh flowers every Sunday morning. Alec would’ve made it easier for Magnus by accepting her but well, he’s Alec. He doesn’t make anything easy for Magnus that easily.

Magnus still felt energized when he went back in the bedroom. It slowly became one of those nights when he just couldn’t sleep, without any reason. An idea popped in his head and he gingerly opened Alec’s closet. He tried to make a list of clothes and arrange them by shades of black, as weird as it may sound.

Magnus was almost done when he saw the clock. It was just after 3 and he was sitting on the floor doing the last rack. He pulled out two boxes filled with some old clothes. ‘Donation’ was written in bold on those boxes. Those clothes were in a better situation than some of the clothes Alec actually wear. Magnus smiled. He didn’t know Alec donates. So Magnus just tidied up those boxes and was about to close the closet when he noticed another box, hidden at the back most corner. He pulled it out.

 

**77 – Lost and found**

It was not much big but big enough box. Magnus grabbed the box and came out of the closet with some difficulty. The box was heavier than Magnus had guessed. It was a wooden box with a top open lid and lock. Magnus twisted the lock to check but it just popped open. He looked back at the sleeping figure of Alec once and thought if he should do this or not. But he did. He came out of the room to the drawing room, opened the box and looked into it.

Magnus was confused by the content of the box. On top was a black bag. He got it out and opened the zip. A Nikon laid in there. A bit old model but still in good shape. He couldn’t turn it on, it was out of battery. Magnus wondered how long it was sitting in there like that. Under it was two spiraled books. The red one had written ‘Michael and Lydia’ on it. It’s their wedding album. There were photos of Michael and Lydia, alone and together, Lydia’s family members, some of the bridesmaids, their daughter Madzie as flower girl and ring bearer.

Lydia works in child protection service and Madzie was a rescue. Michael just couldn’t let her go and Madzie grew close to them. So a month before the wedding Lydia gave Michael a surprise, Madzie’s adoption paper. Magnus met her couple of times and she’s a sweet little pea who adores her uncle Al. Alec really becomes a kid with her. Magnus is uncle Mags now. He smiled at the photo, how little and skinny Madzie was back then.

Under every photo, there was a small description in Alec’s handwriting. Now he recognizes the edgy scrawl. Magnus noticed that there was no photo of Waylands, not their parents and neither the family members. There was just one photo at the end scribed as ‘Family’ with Michael, Lydia and Madzie in Alec’s arms. Magnus looked closer. Alec was holding Madzie in one arm while there was a camera in his other hand. The camera vaguely looked like the one Magnus found earlier, same white-paw printed brown strap.

Magnus turned the last page and on the back cover, there were some details printed. He was a bit taken aback when he read the third line – _Photographer: Alexander Wayland._

“Alexander? Professional photographer?” Magnus shook his head frowning a bit.

Magnus closed the album and opened the other. Nothing was written on it and inside was so many pictures. All of them were sunsets scribed with date and place under them. The names spread all over the US – Washington, Kansas, Houston, Miami, New Jersey, Texas, Boston, Seattle, Empire state building, Brooklyn Bridge, Vancouver, Golden gate bridge and so on. Whoever took those pictures was well traveled, excellent photographer and fascinated by sunset. At the last page, again there was same lines printed – _Photographer: Alexander Wayland_. Magnus noticed some of the pictures were the same as the framed ones on the drawing room wall.

Magnus put those albums away and reached into the box again. This time it was another small wooden box. The contents of it were again confusing.

Magnus brought out a blue butterfly hair clip, a hand carved wooden toy soldier figure and an old half-charred comic book. Underneath was a few old prints of photographs, edges were slightly burned, wrapped in a small yellow blanket. One of the photographs were of a silver hair teenage boy, one was of a raven-haired teenage girl, one was a kid on 5thbirthday and the last one was 3 kids together holding a yellow blanket. But that one seemed the oldest one. In middle stood the tallest black hair kid who had the blanket in his arms looking down at it and the other boy and the girl stood at his both sides.

Magnus turned the picture out of curiosity. A faded note was there – ‘In hospital. Maxie and us. 16 hours old.’ Magnus swallowed and turned each photo. Silver hair boy – ‘Jacey, on 5th birthday as my brother. 12 today’, the girl – ‘Izzy, 13th birthday, little sis growing fast’.

Magnus blinked. He didn’t realize the water in his eyes. But he noticed that Michael wasn’t in any of them. Definitely, the kid who held baby Max was Alec. He looked at the blanket in his lap which looked like the one from the photo, Max’s blanket.

“Jacey? And Izzy?” Magnus turned those photos in between his fingers. “Little sis? 5th birthday as my brother? What’s that supposed to mean? Why the hell nobody ever mentioned they have more siblings?”

 

**78 – Journal**

Magnus put those away and looked underneath. It was a handwritten journal. And the first line read – “ _I’m Alec Wayland. That’s me. Alec Wayland is my name. I have to remember it. I have to remember my identity.” -_ In Alec’s handwriting.

Magnus shuffled a couple of pages. “ _I couldn’t be who I was before. They must believe it how it is. Only then they’ll have peace. And what’s dead should stay dead.”_

_“I wanted to take Maxie’s name. But I can’t live with the reminder of what I did. So I took Aunt Cecile’s maiden name. Jacey must never find out. He wouldn’t be happy then. Wayland seems easier than Herondale.”_

_“I miss Izzy and Jace. It’s Max’s 3 rd birthday since he’s gone. How am I living with all the blood in my hand? I should’ve died that night. It was me who was supposed to die, not Max. He paid for my sins, with his life. I am so sorry, Maxie.”_

_“I tried to kill myself today, again. 8 th time I failed. Why can’t I just do it? Why am I failing every time? Why can’t I just fucking finish it?”_

_“Height is not helping at Gas-n-Sip anymore. They’re questioning to pay in cash. I’m running low. Need to find some job soon. Need to steal some more batteries for the camera. Almost close to Colorado.”_

_“Imasu should’ve been a choice I should regret. But that night I at least saved one life. If I hadn’t made that choice I could’ve saved more. Regret for saving him? No. Regret for being selfish? Yes. Attempt – 17. Failed – 17.”_

_“People don’t give much to beggars who have a big bag with them. Can’t get enough by singing on street. So sold my guitar and watch. Need money to run. Anyway, they were too much to protect. Could be robbed anytime.”_

_“Ran again. Back in Jersey. Lydia found me today. She took me back to the safe house. Why she wants me to live? She must never find the truth. She’s a good woman.”_

_“Lydia says I can have a sponsor now that I’m 18. Another failed attempt last night on f-train. Thank God it wasn’t the cops but Lydia found me, again. She says I can study again, finish school. Should I dream? Can I dare to?”_

_“Lydia found a sponsor for me. She says he’s a good guy, some doctor. He’ll pay for school. Can I really be what I want to be? Can I really escape it all? Feels too good to be true.”_

_“Was supposed to meet the sponsor today. When I arrived, the guy was sitting with Lydia with his back at me. I was kinda happy. But just for a moment. I shouldn’t have gone there. I should’ve run. I should’ve known it’s too good to be true. Attempt – 22, Failed – 22. I’m a true failure. At least I’m good at something – failing miserably.”_

_“I ran away all these years just to find Michael as my sponsor? How did that happen? Michael recognized me. I just hope he doesn’t go to the cops.”_

_“Michael believes me! Lydia took me to the Wayland house to meet him. He wanted to talk, alone. And when we did, Michael said he really wants me to be a Wayland, live as his brother. Michael loves Lydia. But I can’t do this. Cops will harass them too when they find out. I can’t let Michael protect me. I have to run.”_

_“Attempt – 29. Failed – 29. Michael caught me. He fucking slapped me after pulling me off the ledge of the bridge. I don’t know swimming. It would’ve been easy. After a long time, someone cared. He really wants me to be his brother. He doesn’t think I did those. He says Jace and Izzy are going to college. I wanna see them so much. He wants me to go back to New York with him. But what about the cops?”_

_“I finished school. I am graduated now. I’m a lawyer. I don’t know why but I am. And yet I can’t work. My heart is frigging kidding with me. But that’s okay. I think I can do it now. Gotta live with what I have, right?”_

_“Back in New York, with Lydia. We live in Queens, together. I’m really Alec Wayland now. I chose the name to hide. Never knew I’ll become it someday. I saw some pictures of Jace and Izzy on Facebook. They’ve grown up so much. Izzy looks like mom, but more beautiful. And Jace, damned handsome, exactly as Stephen.”_

_“I met him three months ago. Magnus Bane. Trust my luck to come across him too. I work as a bartender now. It’s much better. He’s Raphael’s friend. And he kissed me today, again. I am gay and I’m falling in love with him. Yeah, I’m doomed. Magnus got my heart. But I can’t have him. He needs to be away from me. I can’t ruin him again. I have to escape him.”_

 

**79 – Who is he?**

Magnus was on the final entry now – “ _This is my last entry. I’ll never write after today. Cause this has to stop._

_I’m Alec Wayland, 24 and have a family now. Michael got married today with Lydia. That’s my birthday celebration, being his best man, having a sister and getting a niece. A month ago Michael became a father and two weeks ago he gave me the news. And no, I wasn’t waiting for that news._

_They got him. He tried to escape but they made him confess. I hope Magnus can be in peace now. Jace and Izzy must be in shock. They believed him and trusted him. But they have Mom with them. I hope she can survive this. I wish I could tell them everything now. But what’s dead should stay dead, right? That’s what they believe. I still have blood in my hands. I still can’t forget their words. Neither can I die. Just my luck. And the score, well, I lost count since Michael started to slap me and then hug me every time he found out. I’m done being slapped. Those fucking hurt. So, no more.”_

Magnus rubbed his eyes and closed the leather bound journal. Every entry was written in different colors of ink, under date and place. What Magnus just read was some excerpts. On so many pages the writing was blurred by water, if not teardrops. Some points were quite evident but also a lot more questions just raised themselves. Magnus shook his head. Probably it was too much information. Maybe he should’ve waited for Alec to explain it to him. He wanted to talk to Alec, but how, without disclosing his snooping?

Magnus shuddered to think why Alec ran from home and traveled all over the US. Or why lived in safe houses or begged on streets and sold things until Lydia found him. It was like Alec had accepted that life and didn’t hope for any change.

Alec is a photographer and lawyer… other than a bartender, an archer, a bike rider and singer. A man with genuine multi-talent.

Also, it was quite clear that Michael is really not his brother – it makes so much sense now why they look so different. Michael let him be his brother, but why? Also why Michael wanted to protect him? Why Alec wanted to run from Michael in the first place? Did they know each other from before then?

There were so many mentions of Jace and Izzy. But Magnus didn’t understand the relation. Or why Alec constantly thought he has blood in his hands? Why is he scared of cops? He still is or only was?

29 attempts before he lost count?! What the fuck? Why Alec wanted to die so badly?

Working in Gas-n-Sip, as an underage… using his height… paid in cash… stealing batteries for camera… The more Magnus thought about these, the more it seemed bizarre. What the hell got Alec running like that? What was he scared of?

And the entry about Magnus - also equally weird. Why did he want to stay away? That entry gave a vibe as if Alec knew him from even before they met in Pandemonium. Was there an even more particular reason for Alec to stay away? What was that supposed to mean, “I can’t ruin him again?”

Three entries that didn’t make absolutely any sense to Magnus – one about himself, the last one where he wrote “They got him. I hope Magnus can be in peace now. Jace and Izzy must be in shock.” What was that about? And the one about someone named Imasu.

And another line that was on more pages than Magnus could count. _“What’s dead should stay dead”_ – it’s written everywhere, dated or undated, as if like a mantra.

Magnus was more confused than he wanted to accept. But the final question was that, if Alec isn’t born a Wayland, if he took the name all by himself and then found Michael later who let him keep the name and be his brother, then who is Alec? What is his real name? Where is he from? His family, his parents, Jace and Izzy, where are they? And why the hell Alec never went back?

He reached inside the box again and pulled out some files while thinking about all that. He opened one of them and he blinked. His answers were staring right back at him.

He didn’t notice when the room light was turned on. He jumped when he heard the voice behind him. “What are you doing?”

 

**80 – Revelation**

Magnus turned slowly and saw Alec standing a couple feet behind him. He moved aside giving Alec the view of the opened box. He noticed how blood drained Alec’s face. He seemed so pale.

Magnus noticed Alec’s eyes, how they shifted between him and the box beside him. How slowly his expression changed from annoyance to horror.

“What… how… why…” Alec was unable to form a full sentence. His expression was full of something Magnus couldn’t understand. It wasn’t only fear or horror.

“I was just…” Alec didn’t let Magnus finish his line. He stared at Magnus’s hand, the file he was holding. Magnus followed his gaze and saw the half-open file in his lap. “Alec…” Magnus started again before Alec’s chilled voice cut through the room.

“Did you… did you read it?”

Magnus was unable to answer. What would he say? That no, he didn’t read the file? But the cover page and the picture inside it was enough for him to understand? Did he even understand anything?

“Alec I…”

“Did you… or did you not read it?” Alec’s gaze was cold, abnormal. Magnus tried to control his breath and think, what to say, how to handle Alec. But honestly, he himself was just a mess. He couldn’t think. His brain couldn't process what he just saw.

“Did you read the file?” Alec sounded like a broken record, stuck at that one line, in the same tone.

“No.” Magnus blurted out. He noticed another change in Alec’s face, relief? It flitted through his eyes too quick for Magnus to read. “I read the name.” The darkness clouded Alec’s face again, “I saw the picture.” Magnus couldn’t even process what was happening. He slowly put the file on the floor and stood up. He saw Alec retreating back, too slow to notice.

“Alec…” Magnus searched his eyes. For anything to indicate what was happening. He desperately wanted Alec to explain, say something and tell him that what he saw was not right.

“Alec, tell me… tell me it’s not right.” Magnus cried silently. His voice shook.

Alec saw the helplessness and desperation in Magnus’s eyes. He saw how much Magnus wanted it to be wrong, a lie. He was stepping back.

“Tell me, Alec…” Magnus’s voice rose, cracking all the way. He ran his hands through his hair. How did everything turn so fucking wrong? Why did he have to go through Alec’s closet? Why couldn’t he just control his curiosity and wait… just fucking wait for Alec to talk to him? Magnus was blaming himself. He didn’t want to know this truth. How will he live with this now?

Nothing came from the other side, as if Magnus’s words hit a dead wall. Stone cold hazel eyes were just watching him. There was nothing in those eyes, no warmth, no love, nothing.

“Speak up, Alec. Say something. Tell me this is wrong. That file… it’s wrong. Tell me, Alec. Please. I beg you. Say something.” Magnus broke down. It was too much. He didn’t know how to handle this. That’s what he was afraid of. That Alec’s past would be too much for him to accept. But it wasn’t only too much. It was everything to destroy Magnus.

“I am sorry, Magnus. I tried…” Alec was still stepping back. He didn’t try to reach Magnus or try to console him. The coldness wasn’t going away. “I tried to stay away. I couldn’t stop loving you.”

Magnus was kneeling on the floor, bent forward, his head in his hand. He heard Alec, loud and clear and also the waver in his voice. But he looked up the last sentence. And he was too late. A chill ran through his body when he saw Alec’s fast step reaching the main door, grabbing his bike keys and run out of the apartment.

Magnus tried to get up. Was he going to stop Alec? Magnus wasn’t sure about that. Words tumbled out of his mouth in a whisper, “I never blamed you, Alec. I knew someone took the fall.”

Through his tearless blank eyes, he only wished Alec was there to hear him. He wished he was strong enough to say this to Alec before he left.

 

**81 – A sleepless night**

Magnus should’ve been scared. But weirdly he wasn’t. He wasn’t scared for himself which he should’ve been. But he was scared for Alec. He was scared for how Alec left. He was scared to lose Alec.

Alec was suicidal most part of his life. He tried so many times to kill himself. And before he left, Magnus couldn’t forget those eyes, the defeat in them. In a split of a moment, Magnus was sure that Alec was going to do something wrong. That much of suicidal tendency doesn’t just go away. Alec was going to kill himself. This time for definite. Because Alec has left nothing to lose.

As soon as the idea settled in, Magnus panicked. He wasn’t ready to lose Alec, not ever. He loved Alec. And that file wasn’t going to change that fact. He only just wanted an explanation. The realization was daunting. But also calming. He just needed to find Alec and tell that to him.

Magnus rose up to his feet and grabbed his phone from the table. His fingers were shaking but he was able to find the number. He hit call.

“Hey.”

“It’s 4 in the morning. Everything okay?”

“No.”

“What? What happened? Is Alec okay?”

“He’s gone.”

“What the fuck? What do you mean he’s gone?”

“I found his file, Michael. I know who he is. He saw me with the file and…”

“And what? Before he could explain you kicked him out? Oh my God… Oh my God… Did you call cops?”

“He walked away by himself. I didn’t kick him out. And I did not call cops. I’ll never do that to him…” Magnus was finding hard to breathe, “I love him, Michael. I really do. Please help me. Help me to find him. I need to tell him that I love him… before he does something to himself. I’m begging you, Michael.”

Finally, tears made way out of Magnus’s eyes.

“Shit… this is not happening. Shit… when did this happen?”

“Five minutes ago. Maybe ten.”

“And you didn’t go after him.”

“He took the bike keys.”

“Fuck…” Magnus heard some shuffling behind and Lydia’s voice. “Magnus, I’m coming. I’ll be there in 10. We will find him. Just wait.”

 

Magnus was pacing the hall as he waited for Michael. He was wondering if he should call his friends or something. But when he saw the file on the floor again, he didn’t dare to call anyone else.

Magnus tried to calm himself and think constructively about the places Alec can go. But he came up empty. Again the fact was smacking at his face that he didn’t know about Alec as much as he should’ve. He was continuously circling the room until Michael stopped him. He didn’t even hear him coming in. It was almost 5 on the clock.

It didn’t take much time for Michael to understand what happened when he walked into the apartment.

“You found the box.”

“Yeah.”

“You went through it.”

“Yeah.”

“In the middle of the night.”

“Yeah.”

“Why?” Michael whined with a ridiculous look throwing his hands in the air.

“I was rearranging his clothes. I just found it at the back.” Michael was scowling at him like he’s seen some alien or something.

“How did you open it? It was locked. Where did you get the key?”

Magnus stared at Michael before answering him. It was clear that Michael knew so much more. Probably he knew it all. “It broke open when I twisted it.”

“Fuck.”

He didn’t look at Magnus again. He brought his phone out and called someone. Magnus finally noticed Lydia when she went to her husband and stroked his arm to calm him down. They were having some unspoken communication through the eyes. Magnus could see Lydia was worried too. And another very worried and scared person sat on the couch, Madzie. She looked at Magnus and her parents repeatedly. She could understand something was wrong, with her uncle Al.

 

**82 – Madzie’s bedtime story**

“Why aren’t we out there? You know, looking for him. We need to find him, Michael.” Magnus was impatient when Michael paced in the kitchen and Lydia made coffee.

“Don’t worry, Magnus. People are out there, to find him. We’ll find him soon.” Michael was still going through his phone when Magnus came back to the drawing room with a cup of coffee, Alec’s special, bitter black coffee. He’s gotten used to it over the last few months he lived with Alec.

Magnus sat on the couch. He kept staring at the kitchen. Michael asked him to not worry. But Magnus could see him pacing in anxiety. He was fidgety and muttering nasty swears at God-knows-who endlessly. Lydia constantly stayed by her husband.

“Did you two fight?”

Magnus was brought back to sense by the voice. He looked at his side to find Madzie sitting with Alec’s blanket.

“No. I don’t think it was a fight. I just found some things…” Magnus wasn’t sure how much he was allowed to tell her.

“…things about him. You found out who he is.” Madzie completed his sentence.

“How… how do you know?” Magnus looked at her.

“I was 3 when he and mom found me, on the street.”

“Wait… Alec found you?” Magnus cut in.

“Yeah. For some time, he used to work with mom. I think he still does.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“I know. He doesn’t like to talk about it. Anyway, uhh… they never hid my adoption from me. I was 7 when mom and dad got married. That was 4 years ago. Before that mom and dad weren’t allowed to keep me with them. I used to live with Alec then, for more than a year, as a foster family.” Madzie was picking on the blanket, twisting a corner in her fingers. Magnus realized she has the same fidgety habit as Alec. Maybe she picked it from him.

“He used to tell me bedtime stories. A story about a prince who had to wear a crown of thorns,” she continued with her eyes fixed on the blanket, “…who was destined to die, who was made to kill and run and who did all of it to protect his loved ones. So that nobody else would have to wear that crown. But he failed. I didn’t know what he meant. Until one night he said the name of that prince and referred him as himself. I guess he thought I was asleep. He never meant to tell me. Can you guess the name, Magnus?”

“Alexander Gideon Lightwood.” Magnus’s head was spinning.

“Alexander Gideon Lightwood. Beautiful name, isn’t it?” Madzie smiled warily at him, “He told me when he met you, when he fell for you. He told me how much he loves you. Do you love him too?”

Magnus looked at her. She was staring back at him. Her brown eyes were shining with tears. “I do, Madzie. I love Alec. I love him so much.” Magnus gulped, “I don’t care who he is or what he has done in his past. I don’t believe he did anything wrong, Zie. I know he can’t do wrong. I need to tell him that. I need him back, Zie. ’Cause I don’t think I can live without him.”

“He loves you too, Mags. I hope he’ll come back. For you.”

Lydia was packing the box. She caressed the journal and the photographs and packed them in the blanket. She picked the file and closed it shut while rubbing the corner of her eyes. She was trying to stay strong. Magnus realized she knows things too. Alec had all these people, who love him so much and yet he was scared. And yet he didn’t believe in himself, didn’t believe that he deserved to be happy, to be loved. Magnus was aching inside his chest. With every passing moment, without any news, he became more worried and agitated. Michael kept a strange look at him as if he was worried about something entirely different. Lydia and he kept talking in hushed tones in the kitchen.

Magnus reflected on the night. That coffee kept him wide awake but also messed his nerves. He wondered why he wanted to arrange Alec’s clothes, why he found the box or why he opened it. If he hadn’t done any of that, if he had just gone to bed and slept with Alec like every night, Alec would never leave. Madzie held his hand silently. He didn’t look at that but could feel that she was also staring at the blank wall in front of them.

They only looked away when a voice boomed through the silent apartment and Michael dashed out to the door, Lydia at his heels. Sun slowly shined through the slits of curtains.

 

**83 – An unexpected entry**

“Michael…” the voice boomed again. Magnus got up from the couch and went to the door.

Magnus heard bits and pieces before he reached the small huddle near the front door. For a moment Magnus wondered when was the last time there were so many people in Alec’s apartment. But he was pulled out of his thoughts when actually heard the voices.

“… Yeah, yeah, my men are out there. They are looking for him. We’ll find him soon, Michael, don’t worry. We’re tracing his bike. Hopefully, it’ll be easy to trace him with that.”

“But… what if… you know, what if he ditches it somewhere and goes on foot or something? What if we’re too late? Shouldn’t we be out there as well? Calling his friends… or something? Can we at least think where he could go?” Lydia was freaking out a bit.

“His friends? Are you kidding me, Lyd? When was the last time you’ve met one of his friends? But yeah… I can’t stay here anymore. I can’t look at Zie. She’s freaking out. And Mag…”

Michael didn’t get to complete his sentence because he saw Magnus standing a few feet away. The other man had his back to Magnus and a detective was lurking at the door. Magnus frowned. That voice, of that man, sounded very familiar.

At the same moment Magnus took a step toward them, the man turned back because he noticed Michael looking behind him. Magnus stopped mid-step.

“Magnus?” the man whispered, “Magnus Bane?”

“Val… Valentine Morgenstern.”

“Oh my God! It’s you. You’re Magnus.” Valentine shrieked happily and hugged Magnus tightly. “Oh Jesus. 13 years. Almost 13 years later we’re meeting and you still look the same. Just grown up with a French cut. And you recognized me.” Val was really happy and shaking Magnus by his shoulder and hugging him again.

Magnus looked at him motionless. Michael called FBI and asked him to not panic or call the police. Magnus was happy to see Val but furious with Michael. What if it wasn’t Val but someone else? Or did Michael actually call Val who just happens to be FBI’s one of finest? Magnus frowned internally.

“We talked a few years ago, Val. Why wouldn’t I recognize you? You helped me so much.” Magnus hugged Val too but his monotone hit Michael. He was looking at both of them with wide-eyed as if he didn’t understand anything.

“Wait a min… what are you doing here?” Val looked between Michael, Lydia and Magnus, all three having three absolutely different expressions.

“I am Alec’s boyfriend, Val. I live here, with him. He ran away after I found his juvenile records, his original records and confronted him. Though I don’t know how they ended up here.” Magnus was still talking monotonously and staring at Michael. Val switched look between both of them.

“Wait… you… Alec’s boyfriend… Oh, fuck…” Val ran a hand on his bald head. That got all their attention.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Lydia asked as both the men were unable to talk.

“When I talked to Alec, last time, around your wedding…” Val pointed at Michael and Lydia, “… right after we made the arrest… Alec asked about Magnus. I wondered how he knew his name because I never told him. He said he got it from the internet. I guess he just lied to me, again, which is not surprising with his uncanny ability…” Val was rumbling when Magnus lost his patience.

“What did he ask about me?”

Val looked at Magnus, “He asked me if you know about him, his identity. I said, no. Given his situation, of course, I never disclosed his identity to anyone, except to Michael and Lydia.”

“And?”

“And nothing. That’s all he asked. But I guess it’s because he’d already met you didn’t he? I mean, you told me you were here then, in the city. Alec was also here. Hadn’t he?”

“We met almost a year before that I think…” Magnus muttered, lost in his thoughts, “So that’s why he wanted to avoid me. That’s why he was hell-bent on staying away from me. That entry in his diary makes sense now. When he got to know my full name, he recognized who I am. That’s why all that… Oh, Alec… what have you done!”

Magnus suddenly turned on his heel and faced Michael, “You knew it. You knew everything, right? You knew it all. You knew it all along. You let this happen. That’s why you helped him with his mad ideas. Why didn’t you tell me?” Magnus lunged at Michael but he caught him and yelled at the same pitch as Magnus.

“It wasn’t mine to tell.”

 

**84 – Upper East Cemetery**

Magnus slowed down at Michael’s voice. “It wasn’t mine to tell, Magnus. If it was up to me, I would’ve kicked his ass and smacked on his head and made him tell you the truth, you know that. But it wasn’t up to me. When Alec told me about you, I got scared. I didn’t know how you’d react. I didn’t want to lose him. I didn’t want to lose my brother. I already had lost my sister, my last bit of family. I couldn’t bear to lose another sibling. He isn’t my blood. But he is more than that.” Michael turned his head away as his voice caught. Magnus looked at him wide-eyed. _Love is thicker than blood_ , his dad used to always say.

“But then you fell in love with him. Alec tried to stay away but he couldn’t stop either. I knew he fell for you. I tried to make him understand that the past is in the past. That he deserves to be happy. I tried to make him understand his love for you. But he lived in constant fear. One time he asked something from me. He asked me to help him. I couldn’t say no.” Michael suddenly burst into a low sob. Magnus was stunned to see him like that.

 

“Can anybody explain to me what exactly happened?” Lydia spoke suddenly.

So far she was staring at three men unknowingly throwing news at each other. But she didn’t understand anything. Who is Magnus? How does Val know Magnus? Why Michael knew Magnus from before? And why she doesn’t know anything.

Magnus, Michael and Val looked at her.

“Yeah, I don’t understand too. Just back up a bit everybody. Let’s start from the beginning.” Val suggested.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea, Val. Magnus…”

“I am a part of it, Michael. For what it looks like, I am as big a part of it as Alec. So don’t you dare to still hide it away from me.” Magnus growled.

“I’m not trying to hide, Magnus. I just… Without Alec… it’s his story… I don’t think it’s a good idea… talking about his past, something for which he paid with his whole life… I don’t feel good…”

“Oh, stop with your morality now. We all are part of his story. And we all know Alec would never spill it until we make him. It’s better I know what I’ll be facing when I’ll see Alec next. I need to know. I need to know what happened that night. I need to know why I had to lose everything too, just like Alec.”

“Okay… okay… just take a breath, both of you.” Lydia looked at two men still glaring at each other, “We have a kid here. Let’s not forget that. And Alec is still missing.” 

 

“Magnus…”

“Madz… what is it?” Lydia rushed to her daughter.

Before they could continue with their discussion or bickering, Madzie interrupted them. She stood at the edge of the hallway with a phone in her hand. Her eyes were wide, she was shaking slightly.

“What happened, Zie?” Magnus calmed the moment he saw her. But a new set of panic captured him.

“Your phone… someone said they have him.” Madzie gave the phone to Magnus.

He looked at it frowning but saw Alec’s number on the screen. He said hello into it but there was nobody to talk to him, just some muffled sound at the background.

 

“Sir…” The officer who was standing at the door came in and went to Val. “Sir, we’ve got him. Dispatch just informed. He’s in Upper East cemetery.”

“Cemetery… what is he doing there?” Val grabbed the radio from the officer when Magnus looked at them.

“Upper East cemetery… shit…” Michael cursed suddenly.

“What? What about it?” Val asked.

“That’s where… Oh my God… we have to go… now.”

“That’s where what, Michael?” Magnus grabbed Michael’s arm as he was about to grab his coat. He still held his phone, still connected to the call.

“That’s where…umm… Max is buried there.” Michael murmured and Magnus paled.

“Sir…” the officer spoke again and caught Val’s attention.

“What?” Val spat at him. The officer flinched before responding. “Sir… dispatch said… he’s armed… with two civilians. They’re waiting for your order, how to approach him.”

 

**85 – Gun problem**

“Armed? What the fuck?” Val ran his hand on his head again and talked to someone on the radio.

“Yes… Yes, yes… What? He’s got a gun? You sure?... Yes, I understand, on footage… No. Do not approach… No, I’ll be there ASAP… Yes, set a perimeter, close the cemetery… Keep an eye on the civilians… No. Do not shoot. Stand by until I get there… Officer, don’t let him see you, any of you. He might do something way before I reach… Yes. Stay out of sight. And also call the paramedic for emergency… Yes, I’m coming.” Val gave the radio back to the officer and was about to go when Magnus stopped him.

“I’ll go with you.”

“Mag… Magnus, it’s dangerous. He’s armed. I don’t know how but he’s got a gun. And there’re two civilians with him. I have no freaking idea what he’s doing or what he’s gonna do. I can’t risk you too. Just stay here.”

“I’m going with you and that’s it. I wasn’t asking for permission. I’m telling you. And I have a feeling that without me, you won’t be able to stop him. He needs me. He needs to see me. So hell yeah, I am going with you.” Magnus walked out of the door before anyone can say anything.

Soon in the car, Val and Michael joined him. He looked up at the front door and saw Lydia and Madzie looking at them, scared and all. Magnus steeled his nerves. He may not know what happened or who Alec is with but the phone line was still on. He put on his ear pod and listened.

“What are you listening to?” Michael was annoyed.

“Alec’s call,” Magnus whispered back, still trying to hear what was going on. “When Madzie gave me the phone someone had called me from Alec’s phone. I guess it’s one of those civilians. One of them is a man I think. The voice sounds like that. The call is still on. But I can barely hear something.”

“I don’t understand this.” Michael murmured to himself.

“Understand what?” Val replied anyway.

“Where did he get a gun? I never knew he owned a gun.” Michael had his elbows on his knees and pulling at his hair. “Was it hidden at the apartment? In his bike?”

“Bike is not a place to hide a gun, Michael.” Val rolled his eyes.

“He was still in pajamas when he left. That’s not much to hide a gun. I would’ve seen it otherwise. And also he didn’t get much time to get a gun before he left. He was out of the door right after seeing me with the files.” Magnus was talking monotonously. He was getting frustrated because he couldn’t hear much other than some intelligible noise through the call. He pulled his earphones out. “What I don’t understand is the why… why does he own a gun?”

“And also why have two civilians as hostages? Why would he even have hostages?” Val voiced his concern.

“I don’t think he’s holding hostages.” Michael grumbled.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Magnus frowned at him.

“I think they’re just at the wrong place at the wrong time. Because it’s quite obvious why Alec has a gun hidden.”

“And how is it obvious?” Magnus arched an eyebrow.

Val put a hand on Magnus’s knees that to calm him which went unnoticed. Magnus and Michael still glared at each other.

“Because that gun is for the same reason you panicked right after he left and called me.” Val noticed Magnus flinching, “Alec has genuine suicidal tendencies. He promised me he wouldn’t do something to himself. But I’d be damned if he didn’t have a backup idea for when he finally wanted to give up. This is it. The gun is his final weapon of choice.”

 

**86 – Phone call and video footage**

Michael sighed heavily when nobody replied to him. Magnus and Michael were sitting on the back and Val was on the front seat of the cruiser. Even the driver didn’t say anything after that for a few minutes. Magnus still tried to listen to the call but was disappointed.

“How far are we?” Michael asked as his knees jerked. Magnus was still listening intently, making sure all of them are alive.

“Just a couple of minutes more. We’ll be there soon. Magnus, are you absolutely sure about this?” Val asked looking at him with concern.

“Val, you know I never believed that a kid could do that. I asked you repeatedly to look into it. We both agreed on the same discrepancy. But FBI dropped the case because they declared the main suspect dead. I know your bosses didn’t believe you either. I believed him dead for 13 years. But now that I know that my theory wasn’t wrong and that he isn’t dead… it doesn’t matter anymore Val. Not even knowing that the main culprit is behind bars. By the Lord, I have everything in my life now, whatever I wished to achieve. I just want Alec back only, safe and sound. I love Alec. And that’s it for me. I don’t care who he is.”

Michael and Val looked him for a while. While Michael was scowling, Val had a hint of adoration in his expression.

“I’m glad he has you, Magnus. I’m glad it’s you.” Val patted on his shoulder and the car screeched to a halt, making them all jump.

“We’re here?”

“Yeah.” The officer said when he heard Michael.

 

Magnus and Michael jumped out of the car after giving each other a look and then they both ran toward the cemetery gate where some police cars and a lot of cops were already waiting. Obviously, when they tried to get inside, cops stopped them until Val ordered to let them go.

“I need to get in, Val. I need to see Alec.” Magnus yelled.

“So do I.” Michael was just the same.

“Both of you… calm down. We won’t be able to help him until we know exactly what is going on.” Val gave them a look, “As Michael assumed, Alec is in front of Max’s grave. We have video footage here from the drone. Let’s see if we can isolate him from the civilians.” Val took an iPad an officer gave him. Michael and Magnus looked into it too.

“That’s… I know them…” Magnus was looking at the footage intently.

“What?” Val was confused.

“That’s Luke and Maia. They work in Pandemonium.”

“Raphael’s club?”

“Yeah. Maia was Alec’s junior, a bartender and Luke is the security chief.”

“Where’s the phone? I don’t see a phone…” Val scrunched his nose to look closely into the grainy footage.

“There… on the left. On the other grave. That’s why I couldn’t listen. It’s too far.”

“That’s… oh, holy fucking… fuck.”

Michael didn’t wait for a second as soon as he saw the footage. He turned and ran through the barricade. Magnus paused a moment before chasing after him. When other cops wanted to go in, Val stopped them. He asked them to wait for his signal before he went in, closing the barricade behind him.

 

**87 – That hollow grave**

Alec was barely able to ride all the way to the cemetery as he was practically shaking to his bones. His head was a mess, his heart was beating faster and his whole body was aching like never before. He could feel his muscles giving up one by one. It wasn’t due to the emotional pain only. But also with the physical pain of adrenaline rushing through his veins since the moment, he saw Magnus with the file. One thing he knew for sure – life was over for him. Except for Magnus, he had nothing to lose so far and now that’s also gone. Bunch of piece of paper, a picture and a name… and Alec was literally finished.

Alec somehow managed to get into the cemetery, that early in the morning. Maybe it was because he knew the security guard there. That old man allowed him to talk to Max whenever he wanted, be late night or early morning. Alec liked that old man who always talked about his grandchildren and made Alec laugh with their funny stories. He sometimes shared Max’s memories with him.

Alec sat at the usual place, in front of Max’s grave. Usually, Alec would talk to him like he’s still alive and in front of him and listened to him like he used when he was a baby. But this time Alec didn’t talk. At first though, he was sitting in front of Max’s grave and staring at it with blank eyes, reading the same words over and over again, “ _In loving memory of Maxwell Joseph Lightwood - A son, a brother - An angel who left too early - He, who is loved and missed, forever”_

But soon Alec’s eyes moved to the other grave that day - the one beside Max’s - the black grave.

 

It was just a plain black stone with written two dates, a birthday and a death day and a name. No good words, not even an “In loving memory”. Nobody knew why that grave was there. Alec had seen so many people passing that grave asking the same question, how can someone have a bare grave like that? But only he knew the truth.

Alec knew that there was nothing under that grave, not even an empty cheap coffin. Not an old shirt or a camo pant or the hairbrush or any pictures… nothing. Not a single personal belonging was under that grave. It’s just a blank stone serving a purpose for years.

Alec found fresh white roses laying on it every year on the birthday written on the stone. He knew who left those. But he never saw her. Every year on that day Alec would visit that grave with the faintest hope that he’d find one of them there. But he never saw any of them, except the roses, always came, his favorite flower.

Since then Alec started to hate that day, September 12th, the birthday of a 15-year-old boy who died to serve a purpose. The birthday of the owner of an empty grave with empty words. His own birthday. His own grave. Alec’s own God fucking damned grave.

At least Alec still had a grave in his family ground, even if it was empty, bare and hollow.

 

Alec didn’t know why he was staring at it. He stared at it for almost 6 years and waited for his siblings, just to see them. He patiently waited for Izzy and Jace to show up, once, even on the pretended death day. He never saw them. So why was he waiting then? What was he waiting for?

Alec knew nobody would come for him. He knew Magnus hated him. He knew Madzie will be sad but she’s too young. She’ll forget and move on. He knew the only people on this earth who will actually mourn him, will be Lydia and Michael. Izzy and Jace will probably never even find out. But it wouldn’t matter, right? They have each other, they have their family and what does Alec have?

An empty grave?

A juvenile record that clearly states him as a killer of three innocent people?

Blood of his own brother on his hands?

Blood of those two people who deserved to see their son grow up and live happily?

A Magnus who now will hate himself for falling in love with the killer of his own parents?

 

Alec got up, still shaky on his legs and went to the grave. 4 years ago on his birthday, right after finishing Michael’s wedding ceremony, Alec visited this place and he had left his last belonging there. Alec knelt beside the headstone and started digging with his bare hands just behind it. He panicked after a couple of minutes when he couldn’t find it. He started digging farther and deeper until he saw the black packet. He sat down on the grass and pulled the packet out. It was the only thing he never got a chance to use because Michael made him promise to never give up. But Alec didn’t care about a promise anymore. His final friend for the final act glinted lightly in the slowly rising sun. He knew it was the perfect place to hide it. Nobody would suspect it being hidden under a grave.

Alec crept to sit beside Max’s headstone, his back leaning on to it, knees up to his chest. Tears finally made their way out of his eyes. It was time for a fake dated grave to finally have a proper date and a coffin with a body underneath, hopefully.

 

**88 – Not so adventurous turn**

“I still don’t think it’s a good idea, Maia.” Luke grumbled when Maia held his arm and dragged him toward the cemetery gate.

“Oh come on. Don’t be a spoilsport now. I always wanted to do it.” Maia smiled mischievously.

“Are you kidding me? Who has a fantasy of going on a run at 5 in the morning and into a cemetery? That’s kinda freaky.” Luke protested but he knew that he’d only follow Maia inside after she gave her puppy eyes. Luke was so gone for this girl. She had him wrapped in her fingers. 5 minutes later Luke and Maia were inside the cemetery and started their 6-mile regime. The cemetery was big enough to cover that much ground.

Luke was running slow to match Maia, ignoring all his instinct to run like bat-shit crazy, finish his routine and get the hell out of that place. But Maia’s smile was enough to make him do anything she wanted. Man, when did he fall in love with her like that? What had she done to him?

Actually Luke knew the answer. She batted her eyelashes, gave her puppy eyes and free drinks every night after shift, waited for him to finish his work and let him walk her home. Lately, it wasn’t just walking to the door anymore, it involved getting in and some bed-stuff too and sleeping occasionally. That’s why Maia managed to drag him there that morning.

“Don’t look at me like that. We’re already 2 miles done. I really wanna finish this and get out. It’s bloody cold in here.” Luke grumbled when Maia smiled running beside him.

“Oh, come on. It’s cool cause there are so many trees. It’s shady here. I like the vibe.” Maia jiggled foot to foot and ran a bit ahead. Luke watched her from behind. He almost bumped into her when she stopped abruptly in the middle of the path. She kinda seemed like pale. But she didn’t have to say anything. Luke heard it too. Someone was crying. Or at least it seemed so.

 

For the first time, Maia looked scared. The sound of crying was muffled and strangled. Like the person was desperately trying not to cry. They looked at each other. Luke decided to rule out the sound as a cry of a ghost or something. So he walked between the trees. Maia swiftly followed him.

The sound suddenly stopped as Luke stepped on a dry twig and it snapped with a loud crunch. Luke walked ahead and got out from the bush. He was on another side of the cemetery. He could see a black head moving side to side to find the source of the noise. Luke walked on; his heart beat loud enough in his ears.

The head suddenly turned back at Luke who momentarily was so shocked that he stopped walking. Maia came out of the bush behind him and saw the head too.

“Alec?” Maia was the first one to speak.

“Maia?”

“Alec?”

“Luke?” the head moved away from the headstone and the body was visible now. “What are you guys doing here?”

The voice was definitely of Alec. Luke and Maia recognized that much. But what Alec didn’t notice that he still had the gun in his hand and Luke saw that.

“What are you doing here, Alec?”

Maia wanted to say something and get to Alec but Luke raised a protective arm before her. Alec noticed when Luke eyes flicker between his face and hand. Alec saw the gun too.

“You both should leave now. I don’t wanna hurt any of you. Just leave.” Alec’s voice was cold and grave. He waved the gun at them to scare them. But Luke took a step toward him which scared both Alec and Maia.

“Luke…”

“It’s alright, Maia. He’s our friend. He wouldn’t harm us. It’s okay.” Luke faced Maia and then at Alec, “You wouldn’t, right Alec? You wouldn’t harm us. We are friends. It’s gonna be fine.” Luke inched closer to Alec. The sun came up shining.

 

**89 – Playing game**

“Luke, please don’t do this. Please go away.” Alec realized Luke’s motive.

“Maia… Why don’t you go and get some water for Alec?” Luke nodded imperceptibly at her, hoping she would get the idea.

“No…” Alec snapped before Maia could take a step and Luke paled. “No. she won’t go alone.” Alec waved his gun again and smiled ruefully. “I understand your game, Luke. She’ll call cops if she goes now. Please, Luke, go with her and don’t come back. Don’t call cops. I promise nothing will happen. Nobody will know you guys were here. Just go… leave.”

“I’m not leaving you, Alec. But please let her go.”

“No. Either you go with her. Or nobody goes.”

“Fine,” Maia said, “I’ll stay. Just put that thing away. We can talk.” When Alec stared at her Maia took the opportunity, “You see Luke and I are together now. We fell in love, thanks to you. I took your advice, Alec. Thank you for that.”

“Congratulations,” Alec looked between them, amused, “I hope you two are happy now.”

“We are Alec. We are very happy.” Luke smiled.

“Good… now leave. You’ll stay happy.”

“Alec, come on…”

“Go away, Luke. Take her away and be happy. You shouldn’t be here. Go.” Alec turned and walked toward the graves again. Luke took the chance. He ran and jumped Alec from behind. Maia gave a sharp cry as she watched Luke and Alec rolling on the grass, grappling at each other. She ran after them.

When they broke off, Alec still had the gun and pointed it at Luke. What nobody saw was that Luke had managed to get Alec’s phone and was able to dial the last number. But between the roll, the phone got away from him. He could see it on the black stoned grave. He hoped the call was still on and someone will listen, take the hint and do something. He spoke loudly, “We got you, Alec. It’s gonna be fine. We got you.” Luke kept on chanting it until Alec grew impatient and turned away.

“Ugh… why are you always so stubborn, Luke? Why don’t you listen to me?” Alec still clutched the gun.

“You know me, mate. I was never good at being told to do something.”

“At least think about her. Take her away. Go away for her.” Alec waved the gun at Maia and Luke moved in front of her.

“I know you’re not gonna hurt us, Alec. We are friends remember? We had so much of good time together. We had so much fun. I miss your pink cocktails. Man, those were some good stuff.” Luke tried to distract Alec and smiled when Alec turned to look at him.

“Why are you here, Alec? Why were you crying? Why do you have a gun?” Maia spoke fast and Luke face palmed internally as Alec’s smile vanished.

“What happened, Alec? Where did you go after that accident? Why did you leave the job?”

“Maia…”

“Please, Alec… you can talk to us. We are your friends. We love you and we missed you. Please, Alec, let us help you.” Maia passed Luke and went to Alec who looked at them bewildered. Why weren’t they scared of the gun? Why were they still treating him like they know him all and well?

They don’t know anything… they don’t know he’s a killer. They don’t know it wouldn’t be the first time he’d kill someone if he harms Luke or Maia. They don’t know he’s selfish enough to harm anyone to save his own ass. But he didn’t want to hurt them. They were his friends. Luke was right. Alec couldn’t hurt them. But Luke and Maia have to leave. Otherwise, his little plan won’t be successful. And his little plan has to be successful.

Unfortunately, Alec was late, to come to that decision.

 

**90 – Game over**

Alec could hear the faint sirens of police cars. Luke and Maia heard that too. They shared a look. Alec was looking toward the gate. He couldn’t think who would be looking for him or how they found him there. Surely it wasn’t Magnus. Then…

“Did you call the cops?” Alec turned to face Luke, “Where is your phone?”

Luke slowly put his hand in his pocket and got the phone out. Alec snatched it from him. He checked it intently. “Who called them then?”

“We don’t know, Alec. We didn’t call them. We were with you all the time.” Luke tried to calm Alec.

They couldn’t help but notice how Alec looked. He was in his pajamas. His hair was a big mess. Eyes were red from crying. He looked so pale and lean. He looked skinnier than before.

“Alec, it’s okay. Maybe they’re just passing by, you know, not coming here.”

“Can’t you listen, Luke? The sound is coming from the gate side. They are here.” Alec was a bit distracted, “You have to go away, Luke. Please… just listen to me. Go away now or the police will come for you.”

“Why? We didn’t do anything. Neither did you… right, Alec?” Maia was standing closer to Alec than Luke liked.

“Please, Maia. I’m happy for both of you. Now go and enjoy your life. You don’t have to be a part of my mess. Go.”

“What mess? What are you talking about?”

“God damn it, Maia. Just go away, will you?” Alec snapped, pointing the gun at her. Luke held Maia’s hand.

Alec threw his hands in the air. He was clearly annoyed. He didn’t have much time left and Maia looked like she knew what she was doing. Maybe Maia understood what he wanted to do. That’s why she was stalling him. But Alec couldn’t take a chance anymore. If Luke and Maia wouldn’t leave, then he’d have to do it in front of them. There was always a risk of Luke jumping him again. So Alec planned to make it a random and swift move. He was pacing in circles to avoid their eyes.    

But nobody came in. Maybe Luke was right? But they still could hear the sirens. From the gate. Why wasn’t anybody coming in then?

Alec was getting agitated while Luke and Maia were scared. Alec was trying to find a moment to strike. He turned and held the gun at his head before Luke or Maia could react. But all of them were stunned as they heard a voice calling Alec’s name. The voice was so familiar. Alec was shaking.

 

Alec stood with the gun at his head and saw Magnus emerging through the trees. Behind him was Michael. Alec’s heart was beating faster, his breath got heavy. Magnus came for him.

Why Magnus came for him? Magnus came with the police? No.

Alec decided in a split of a second. He had to pull the trigger. But again Magnus’s voice stopped him.

“Alexander…” Magnus was panting. He ran all the way from the gate. It was really long. “Alec… Please… Don’t do this.”

Between Alec and Magnus stood Luke and Maia and Michael was behind Magnus. But Alec only saw Magnus. Hazel and Brown eyes met and held the gaze.

“Alexander… Please, baby, please don’t do this.” Magnus took small steps toward him. “Alec, I get it. I understand it. And I don’t blame you. I don’t, Alec. Because I… I love you. I love you, Alexander. And it doesn’t matter to me. Nothing else matters to me.”

“You don’t know anything. You know what I’ve done. You read the file. I’m… I’m… I’m a monster. I’m a killer. I don’t deserve you forgiving me. I don’t want your pity.”

“Damn it, Alec. How can you be so thick? I love you. And I mean it.”

“No, you don’t. Don’t lie to me. Nobody loves me. Nobody will miss me. You hate me.”

“Alec…”

“Why did you bring cops then? Why did you call cops?” Alec shouted.

“Alec…” Magnus paled. He didn’t know what to say.

“They asked you to tell me those words. They made you face me so that I could be distracted and they’d get me. You don’t mean anything. They’re making you say those words. You don’t love me…”

“Alec… I do… I…”

Magnus gasped because he couldn’t say anything. Alec’s sudden movement caught Maia in his arms. He held her close by the shoulders and pointed the gun at her head. Maia stood awkwardly right in front of Alec, shielding his body.

“Call them. Ask them to come and get me. They know I’m a killer. I can hurt her easily.” Alec yelled at Magnus. “I’m so sorry, Maia. I asked you to leave.” He whispered at Maia who was in tears. She was too shocked to say anything. They both looked up and saw Luke standing helplessly in front of them. “You should’ve left when I asked you, Luke. Now see where you put her.” Alec was walking back while he talked to Luke.

“Please let her go…” Luke pleaded.

Alec unlocked the gun, still placed at Maia’s head. She sobbed an ‘I love you’ to Luke who just watched them horrified. Alec heard that. He was still walking back with Maia. His finger was placed firmly on the trigger. He counted to three in his head, gave Maia a slight push. Then… boom.

Magnus closed his eyes at the sound. He only heard Michael’s shriek, “Noooo.”

 

**91 – Imasu Morales [Timeline: Flashback]**

“Imasu!”

“Alec? What are you doing here?” Imasu ran his eyes behind the boy to see if anyone else was there. But the bus stand was empty. “You shouldn’t have come here.”

“I had to come. I had to see you, one last time.” Alec panted due to the running from home.

“Why? Why would you risk everything now, you idiot?”

“Call me whatever you want,” Hazel eyes looked up at him, “but I needed to come… and say… sorry.” Alec hesitated a bit, stowing his hands in his pocket. He didn’t wanna show Imasu how nervous he was.

“Sorry?” Imasu’s grey eyes were searching. Alec didn’t look up. “Oh dear… Come here, you stupid ass.” Imasu held Alec’s arm and pulled him closer, before enveloping him in a hug. “You have nothing to be sorry about, Alec. I don’t regret it. I don’t regret anything. Not knowing you, not falling in love with you. Maybe I do regret kissing you in front of your dad and making your life miserable. But…” Imasu leaned away so he could look into the tearing hazel eyes, “But I don’t regret loving you. Just promise me that you wouldn’t give up. You wouldn’t stop fighting. Maybe later, somewhere we will meet again. So please do not ever believe that loving someone is a sin. Love is… just love, Alec. Have some faith.”

Alec hid his face in the older boy’s chest. Imasu still hugged him and buried his face in his hair. Alec knew he was crying too. “I’m sorry, Imasu. For me, you have to leave like this. I never wanted this.”

“Hey… it’s not your fault, my dear Alexander. I made a choice too. I also accepted your dad’s offer. I also accepted to leave you and not fight for you. I didn’t want to do that either.”

“I know. I wish he didn’t threaten your family, your brother. I’m happy that you’re doing this to protect them.”

“And you’re doing this to protect your siblings, aren’t you? Didn’t he threaten you to give Jace away to his old grandmother who doesn’t even want him?”

Alec looked up suddenly, “How? How do you know that?”

“I almost decided to not take his offer, Alec. I wanted to call the cops. So I went to his office to tell him that when I heard him threatening you, giving you a choice. You made a good one. I’m proud of you, Alexander. Jace doesn’t know how to live without you.”

“Dad said he’d send Max away too. And Izzy. Maybe that would’ve been better. They’d at least be away from him.”

“And also away from you? Where you wouldn’t be able to look out for them? No, Alec. For now, this is better. We know we love each other. That’s enough, Alec. I can live with that for now.”

“But… I don’t think… I can’t, Imasu.”

“You can, Alexander. We can. We have to. For those who we love. It’s just another obstacle in life. We’ll get through this. I promise you.”

“I don’t wanna live without you, Imasu.”

“I don’t wanna live without you too, Alexander. But I guess if we are lucky enough… if our love is strong… we will find each other.”

“Will we?”

“We will.”

Neither Imasu nor Alec wanted to break off that hug. But the bus kept honking, signaling that it’s time to depart. Imasu had to leave.

“Promise me you won’t do anything stupid. And you’ll take care of yourself.”

“Yeah… You too, Imasu. Take care of yourself.”

“I’m proud of you, Alexander. I didn’t joke when I said you’re like the king. You’ll conquer everything.”

“The king fell too.”

“Everybody falls, Alexander. What matters is what they do after that. I believe in you. You’ll rise. And you’ll shine. Like a diamond.”

“Be safe. I love you.” Alec tightened his arms around the taller and older boy.

“I love you too.” Imasu pressed a kiss on Alec’s lips before running into the bus.

Alec stood there until the bus was lost in the horizon. Tears dropped down from his cheeks into his shirt, soaking it badly. His back ached from where Imasu had hugged him tightly. Thankfully he didn’t see the back of the shirt, which Alec was sure that it was tainted with blood from the bruise of his dad’s belt. It was a small price he had to pay for seeing Imasu for one last time.

Imasu Morales was a 17-year-old kid from Alec’s school, Alec’s first love and the one who brought Alec out of the closet, showed him a whole new world, taught him what love is. “To love is to let go” was Imasu’s last words to Alec.

Imasu was the one who had to leave home and his family behind to protect them, a price he had to pay for loving Alec. Because Robert Lightwood thought that being gay is a sin. Imasu’s perfect family also wasn’t much perfect about it as they shared the same views as Robert Lightwood. Imasu was threatened with his brother’s life and his family’s economic stability to leave Alec. And Alec didn’t even hesitate once to let him go and save his family.

That was the beginning for Alexander Gideon Lightwood to play his father’s puppet, to live under his father’s threats, to fulfill his father’s dark wishes and dirty works. That’s when he turned to be the prince with a crown of thorns. He didn’t want Izzy, Jace or Max to know this side of their father or ever be the bearer of the crown.

 

**92 – Ragnor visits [Timeline: Present]**

“Hey… You came.”

“Hey, honey. Yeah, I came as soon as I could. What’s up?”

Ragnor was walking with Catarina into the hospital.

“Magnus,” Cat kept her head down while walking beside her fiancé.

“What happened? How is he?”

“He’s still same, in shock. I am scared for him.”

“He’s been through enough, Cat. I can’t even imagine what it feels like to have been through all that.”

“Yeah, he’s quite shaken. He isn’t talking to anyone. Not even eating anything.”

“He’s spiraling. It’s been 3 days. We need to make him eat now. Otherwise, he would fall through the loop, Cat. I can’t lose him now, not this time. He barely survived his parents’ accident. He won’t survive this.”

“He’s not sleeping either. Not crying, nothing. I’m worried about him. And that’s why I called you. Maybe you can break him.” They were walking through the corridors.

“Yeah, I’m glad you called me. Though I’m not sure he would accept anyone’s help. He’s a stubborn ass you know.”

“We have to try, Rag. He is our friend. We can’t give up on him now. If something goes wrong now… We have to be there for him; it’s our duty.”

“Do we know anything about Alec?”

“No. Michael isn’t allowing anyone.”

“That giant bullshit ass… I swear I need one confirmation from Magnus. I’m gonna kick his ass.” Cat didn’t say anything knowing it’s only his anger talking. “What about Det. Morgenstern?” Ragnor continued before noticing where they were headed. “Wait… Where are we going?”

“To see Magnus,” Cat was confused.

“But ICU is in the 5th floor, isn’t it? Why are we going to 6th?”

“Because Magnus is there.”

“Huh? Magnus isn’t in ICU?”

“Why the hell would he be in ICU?”

“I thought… I thought he’d be….”

“Michael isn’t allowing anyone, I told you.” Cat sighed, finally understanding Ragnor’s confusion.

“That son of a bitch… How could he keep Magnus away? They need each other. Why can’t he just understand that?”

“Oh, I think he understands that quite well. But he’s just pissed, at everybody. Magnus couldn’t stop Alec. Det. Morgenstern pulled an unnecessary stunt. It’s a mess for him.”

“And why are you supporting him? He’s hurting Mags, that’s nothing? Choose a team, Cat.”

“I never said Magnus isn’t hurting or his pain is any less. I’m just saying that Michael is a brother. He is pissed how everything went down at the cemetery. He is hurting too.”

“That doesn’t give him rights to keep Mags away.”

“I know, but what else can we do? Michael isn’t in a place to trust others. He’s constantly paranoid. I’m worried about Alec too.”

“And I care about Mags and what he needs is… Alec. And I’ll give him that, despite Michael.”

 

**93 – The Banes [Timeline: Flashback]**

Augustus was a brilliant businessman. He was the owner of Bane Inc. and did his business with honesty. His employees loved and respected him as their God. He was a man of his terms and words. He never made sacrifices. And he also thought he made his wife, Rosaline, happy. He was wrong, only about that.

He never believed it at first. He trusted his wife and loved her. But Rosa made a mistake. And that changed everything for them.

When Rosa told him about her pregnancy Gus was a bit shocked, because they didn’t have any physical relation in months. Gus and Rosa were high school sweethearts and married at an early age. They even had their one and only child Magnus early and never wanted more kids. When Gus fought to make Bane Inc. she stood by her husband. Gus had to think, what drove Rosa away from him? And who is the man?

Rosa denied telling him anything other than that she had no idea what to do with the pregnancy. She even thought about aborting but Gus didn’t give up. At least she asked for his help, as a friend. Their relation wasn’t gone but Gus wanted to make it work. He loved her.

After a lot of convincing, when Rosa finally said the name, Gus understood why she was reluctant at first. It was none other than his conniving new business partner, Robert Lightwood. The man has a loving wife and 4 children and yet didn’t abstain from an affair. Gus asked Rosa only two things - if Robert knew who she is and if he knew about the pregnancy. To both the questions, Rosa said no. Gus decided that Robert deserves to know about the pregnancy. After all, it’s his child.

 

What Gus didn’t know was that Robert was far worse than he imagined. Rosa wasn’t the only woman he had affair with. When Rosa gave the news to Robert, he didn’t act much. Instead, he invited Gus and Rosa at his home. He wanted to have a detailed discussion with them. Gus didn’t like the idea at first but accepted the invitation anyway.

3 days later when they were at Lightwood residence, they were welcomed by a teenage kid, a bit younger than their own son. The kid informed them that his parents were running late with his other siblings. They would be back soon from a tennis tournament his brother participated in. Gus and Rosa waited for almost 30 minutes when the kid was nowhere to be seen. Another kid named Max stayed with them at the drawing room.

When the older kid came back, he was panting. He looked scared and dirty.

“Banes you said? Augustus and Rosaline Bane?”

“Yes. How do you know our names? And where is Robert?” Gus asked. Max had gone inside right after he came.

“I’m Alec. Dad… they are not coming back soon. Their car broke down. He asked me to apologize on his behalf and tell you that he would contact you later.”

Gus wasn’t convinced. Why did Alec look so scared? Why was he dirty? He was clean when he opened the door to welcome them. Then what got him so scared?

“It’s okay, Alec. We can wait for some time.”

“No…” Alec panicked. “No. You don’t understand. You have to leave. Otherwise dad… he won’t be happy with me.” Gus frowned. Alec wasn’t making any sense. The kid was scared out of his mind. Robert scares Alec. But why? If Robert called Alec to let him know then why didn’t he talk to him as well? Why invite them and then kick them out like that?

“Please. Dad promised he would contact you as soon as he comes back.” Alec pleaded them to leave.

“Okay, son. Make sure Robert remembers that. Take care. Bye.”

Gus and Rosa were out of the door and in the car. For some reason, it didn’t start at once. After a couple of tries, it did and they were on the highway. When Gus was about to cut into a busy road he pushed the break and he panicked. None of the breaks worked.

Gus took care of his car really well. He never missed a servicing or forgot to change the oil. He looked at the indicator. Sure enough, the break signal was blinking. Someone emptied the brake oil. His mind started playing tricks.

Did Robert call them home so their car could be tampered with? Making sure they were on the road when something odd happens.

Dirt on Alec’s shirt… That stains of grease… Did Alec tamper with it then?

No. He’s just a kid. Why would he do that?

Why would Robert do that?

Of course, he would. If the news got out to media, Robert would be finished. Lightwood Industries anyway wasn’t in the better situation. This pregnancy news could affect their business deal. But Gus wanted to solve it. He didn’t want to tank Robert. But Robert didn’t know that. Robert must’ve thought Gus wanted to break the deal or something. Killing them will only benefit Robert.

Rosa understood it too when Gus panicked. They looked at each other before Gus didn’t enter the street but drove through the clear highway. Rosa could understand what Gus wanted to do. They only thought about Magnus. They only felt guilty for leaving Magnus alone. Rosa held Gus’s hand and mouthed an apology.

They could’ve called the police and ask for help. But the idea that Robert wanted to kill them cold-bloodedly and used his young son for his dirty work shocked them. The thought that they’d leave their son alone paralyzed their brain. They couldn’t think anything else other than feeling helpless for Magnus. So Gus drove until he couldn’t control anymore and the car tipped over. Their last thought was their 17-year-old son who knew nothing and probably would never find an answer. They felt sad for their Magnus.

No parents would ever want to leave their child just like that, without any explanation, without any answer. Rosaline and Augustus didn’t want that either. They hoped that their Magnus would be strong and be okay. They accepted their fate.

 

**94 – Playlist [Timeline: Present]**

“Hey, buddy.” Catarina and Ragnor opened the door of the private room where Magnus was staying. Ragnor walked in calling out to Magnus who didn’t respond.

Ragnor and Catarina saw Magnus sitting on the edge of the bed in a simple t-shirt and cotton pajama, his legs dangling down, facing the glass window and his back to the door. He was staring right at the glass with his reflection and rain slamming on it. Magnus didn’t move. He didn’t move in 3 days. Not since he saw Alec’s body hitting the black stone grave with Alec’s name written on it.

Ragnor went closer to Magnus and touched his shoulder. Magnus felt it but didn’t move. He just stared out of the window as his hands rest in his lap. His hair was messed, he got light stubble. Ragnor called him again, shaking him lightly this time but Magnus didn’t respond.

“He’s been like this since he woke up here.” Cat murmured.

“He hasn’t seen him once?”

“No. Neither Michael left that room nor Magnus moved from here.”

“Get some juice for him. Let’s see if I can make him eat something.” Ragnor whispered before Cat left with a slight nod.

Ragnor turned to face Magnus. “Mags, buddy...” Ragnor touched his shoulder again. But this time Ragnor chose to sit beside Magnus on the bed. That’s when he noticed the earphone Magnus had on. It was connected to a phone that was on his lap. Ragnor went to take the phone but Magnus jerked violently swatting his hand away. Ragnor finally got to meet the blank, empty eyes of Magnus.

“Hey… It’s okay. It’s okay, buddy. I’m not gonna touch it again. I just came to see you.” Ragnor coaxed. The frightened look shifted on Magnus’s face as he recognized Ragnor. He pulled out the earplugs.

“What were you listening to? Can I?” Ragnor asked. Magnus didn’t say anything. He just disconnected the cords and played it on speaker. A strum of a guitar filled the air, followed by a sweet gentle voice.

_“Have I told you how good, it feels to be me, when I’m in you_

_I can always stay clean when you’re around_

_Don’t let me fall oh no/ If I close my eyes forever_

_Would it ease the pain, could I breathe again…”_

Ragnor looked up at Magnus the moment he recognized the voice. An acoustic version of Enrique’s Addicted played as Ragnor and Magnus simply stared at each other.

 _“_ _I'm wasting away_

_I made a million mistakes_

_Am I too late?_

_There's a storm in my head_

_And it rains on my bed_

_When you're not here_

_I'm not afraid of dying_

_But I am afraid of losing you_

_Baby, I'm addicted and out of control_

_But you're the drug that keeps me from dying_

_Maybe I'm a liar but all I really know_

_Is you're the only reason I'm trying…”_

Neither of them blinked as the final verse of the song played.

 _“_ _When you're lying next to me_

_Love is going through to me_

_Oh it's beautiful_

_Everything is clear to me_

_'Till I hit reality_

_And I lose it all_

_I lose it all…”_

Ragnor was about to say something but he stopped when another voice came through.

“Wonderful, Alec, simply wonderful.” A sound of clap was in the background.

“Shut up, Matt.”

“Who do you sing for, mate? I mean you always sing some particular song. Who’s the one for this?”

“Magnus.”

“Magnus? Your boyfriend?”

“More like the love of my life.” There was a pause before Alec’s voice spoke again, “Don’t. Don’t you give me that look.” He chuckled lightly.

“Mate, you’re gone in love. He must be a lucky man.” And the recording stopped with Matt’s small laugh.

Ragnor looked at Magnus with a thousand different questions in his eyes. Magnus sighed and looked at the window. The rain was hitting it harder than before. The storm outside could reflect on Magnus’s mood. A storm was going inside his mind as well.

“Magnus…” Ragnor started but Magnus cut him.

“Alec used to work for Matt. He used to sing advertisement jingles and stuff for him. When I found out I paid Matt for making Alec sing, record them and sell them to me. I’ve got a collection now. There’s more on Alec’s phone. Wanna listen?” Magnus spoke monotonously; his eyes never left the window. Ragnor only nodded.

Magnus picked the other phone from the bedside table and shuffled through it. A mix of Alec’s voice and guitar played ‘Demons’ by Imagine Dragons. None of them said anything. They didn’t notice that Cat was standing at the door listening too; tears threatened her eyes. Nobody moved as ‘Numb’ by Linkin Park, ‘Brother’ by Kodaline, ‘If you could see me now’ by The Script, ‘Will you be there’ by Michael Jackson, ‘Why not me’ by Enrique Iglesias, ‘War of hearts’ by Ruelle kept on playing one by one. With every song, there was a small declaration before them.

Every song was dedicated to someone. ‘Demons’, ‘War of hearts’ and ‘Why not me’ were dedicated to Magnus. ‘Brother’ was for Max. ‘If you could see me now’ and ‘Will you be there’ were dedicated to his siblings.

Most of the songs are from different genres and time and yet Alec sang them so beautifully as if he owned them. Ragnor only looked up to see silent tears streaming down Magnus’s face. In 3 days, for the first time, Magnus cried. He let go in Ragnor’s arms.

 

**95 – Time stood still [Timeline: Flashback]**

Magnus couldn’t hear anything except the loud buzz. He had closed his eyes but he was still standing. The last thing he had heard was Michael’s shriek. With every ounce of his being, he wanted to forget that shriek.

The air filled with the smell of gunpowder. The smell made Magnus sick in his stomach. He opened his eyes slowly. But saw that time stood still.

Slowly, the white cloud cleared and he could see. Magnus felt like he was stuck in a very bad movie which played in really slow motion. And it wasn’t ending soon. Magnus wanted it to end soon and come out of the trance that made him motionless.

Michael walked past him. Or did he run? Magnus wasn’t sure as he watched Michael moving in slow motion. He looked up and met the most beautiful and striking hazel eyes ever. They shone brightly in the light sun that came through the branches of trees. Magnus smiled. Well, at least it wasn’t a that bad movie. Alec was alright. He was okay.

Something moved at the corner of Magnus’s eyes. He saw Maia falling to her side and Luke diving to hold her. His heart skipped a beat. Maia… No… Magnus looked up at Alec again who was smiling. His beautiful, dazzling, content, shy smile that he only gave Magnus. Alec was smiling, after hurting Maia. Magnus’s heart ached. Should he be happy or should he be scared?

Just then Magnus noticed that something was wrong. Michael was going toward Luke, probably to check on Maia. And finally, there was no barrier between Alec and him. Just 10 feet. More or less 10-11 steps. Alec was standing just there.

Magnus could reach him, grab him, hug him and kiss him. He could reassure him that everything was okay. He could promise him that everything will be fine. He could tell him ‘I love you’ again. He could kiss Alec’s smooth lips again. He could make Alec believe in his love. Everything could’ve been possible only if Magnus was able to move. But his legs felt so heavy as if they were cemented to the ground. Magnus couldn’t move. Nothing moved. He could only look at Alec, standing right in front of him. He willed himself to move. But nothing moved.

Magnus stared at the motionless figure of Alec. He wasn’t moving too. Just smiling. But Magnus didn’t like that smile anymore. His skin itched. He could feel something was wrong, terribly wrong. Alec never stopped smiling.

Something moved again and Magnus looked to the side. Luke and Maia were sitting together on the grass, in each other’s arms. Both seemed… unharmed. Michael was beside them. Magnus’s stomach coiled. Maia was unharmed. Then Alec…

Magnus looked up. He looked closely. Alec seemed to go shorter by the moment. Magnus frowned. He didn’t understand what was happening. Then he looked at Alec’s face properly. A dark red blotch marred the right side of his temple, just above his eyes. The blotch was getting bigger. The scarlet streak moved down the sideburn, his cheek, his pale neck and to his chest. His white t-shirt slowly changed color, very, very slowly. Magnus wanted to move. But he couldn’t.

Only those brown eyes of Magnus were moving. He could see Alec still smiling and moving down. So his eyes went down too. There was another blotch near his left knee. Alec’s legs couldn’t hold up his body anymore. Magnus looked up to meet Alec’s smiling face.

Magnus saw Alec’s knees buckling beneath him. He fell on his knees first. The smile never faded. And then slowly he tumbled to the side. His lips moved. Magnus didn’t know how to read lips but he was quite sure it was a ‘sorry’. He could finally see two figures moving behind Alec, both with guns at the front, Valentine and another cop. Val looked angry and said something to the other cop. Magnus couldn’t hear them. His ears were still buzzing.

Magnus focused on Alec. He was almost on the ground, leaning on his side, his gun laid beside him. Michael walked to him slowly. Alec was still smiling. But his eyes, they weren’t shining anymore. The light was closing, blurring. Alec’s eyes fluttered desperately as if he was trying to hold onto the consciousness a bit more, a bit longer. The hazels weren’t bright anymore. They never moved away from Magnus. They never stopped meeting Magnus’s gaze.

Magnus finally blinked. Alec hit the ground. Michael and Val were kneeling beside Alec. Magnus’s knees finally gave up too. He wanted to move. He wanted to run so bad, or walk even. He wanted to hold Alec, his Alexander and tell him that he loves him no matter what, for one last time. But nothing moved except time, in fastest way ever.

Alec lay on the ground, his eyes fluttered for the last time before closing altogether. Magnus could finally hear something. But he didn’t want to hear it. The buzz was better than another cry of Michael. A deafening, blood-curdling cry. Magnus closed his eyes.

None of them realized that all of it happened within 10-15 seconds.

 

**96 – Ragnor Strikes [Timeline: Present]**

Ragnor couldn’t make Magnus eat something but Magnus fell asleep after crying for hours. Ragnor and Catarina left the room after tucking Magnus in. Ragnor was on the verge of killing something.

“I’m gonna kill Michael.” Ragnor tensed his jaws. Catarina held his hand.

“Calm down Rag. Anger is not gonna help, Magnus. We have to think a way to help Magnus and Alec. Both of them need us.”

“How can you be so calm, Cat? Have you seen Mags? He’s fucking losing it. I can’t even look him in the eye, Cat.”

“How about we go and see how Alec is? Maybe we can try talking to Michael.”

“Yeah, let’s go. I need to knock some sense into that idiot.”

Ragnor and Catarina almost ran to the ICU and stood in front of Alec’s room, not knowing what to do or how. Cat knocked and slid the door open slightly.

“What do you want?” Michael’s voice was rough and grave. But there was no fire, no fight in it. His eyes were red and huge dark bags underneath. He looked older than his age. He looked tired and worn out.

“We just came to see how Alec is.” Cat spoke hesitating as Rag stood behind almost hugging himself so he wouldn’t lose his calm and punch Michael in the face. But after seeing the look on Michael, Ragnor changed his mind, subtly.

“How is he? What happened exactly?” Ragnor managed to speak and met Michael’s eyes.

“He’s…” Michael swallowed thickly, “He’s in coma. His heart isn’t improving.”

“His heart? But… I thought he was shot.” Ragnor looked at the pale face of Alec, lying on the bed and attached to multiple devices.

“He has GSW, one, on his knee. The one Val shot to disarm him.” Michael also turned toward Alec. He was sitting on a chair beside the bed holding Alec’s right hand. Cat and Ragnor saw the huge cast on his left leg.

“Then why is he in coma? What’s wrong with his heart? I mean one gun-shot wound can’t be this fatal, can it?” Ragnor was being a bit sarcastic.

“No. A GSW can’t be that fatal. But the sounds were. Two guns were shot at the same moment, almost. Alec’s heart is not as strong as anyone healthy. He couldn’t take the shock. It caused a minor heart attack but…” Michael paused. He could feel his throat getting drier, “But that was too much for him. His body isn’t responding much.”

“And the head injury?” Ragnor stared at Alec’s head, half of it was buried in a white bandage wrapped around. His messy, overgrown hair was oily and grimy. He took in the words but it just worried him. He kept thinking how to break it all to Magnus and how Magnus would take it. He looked at Cat once who also seemed to be thinking about the same thing.

“That’s from Alec’s gun. It was loaded when Val shot him in the knee. Alec lost balance and pulled the trigger. The bullet scratched a big part of his forehead but didn’t injure his skull or brain.”

“Wasn’t he holding the gun on Maia’s head? How did he get injured?” Cat frowned.

“He’d never hurt anyone else but himself. He pushed Maia before pulling the trigger. Maia was just a camouflage so that nobody would see exactly where he was holding the gun.” Michael’s voice broke slightly.

“How do you know so much, Michael?” Ragnor asked suddenly. Even though he asked it as casually, Michael took offense.

“I know my brother Mr. Fell. I know my brother very well to know why he does what he does.” Michael looked up at Ragnor who was about to say something. Michael showed his palm to stop him, “I know he’s not my own blood and I somehow failed to be a proper brother. But that doesn’t mean I know nothing. I’ve known him for a long part of his life, when he was a kid and when he was older. I know I lost a big part of his life when I should’ve been there to help him and God knows I regret not finding him sooner and leaving them just like that. But I swear I never imagined something like this can happen. I never imagined someone can be so brutal. I didn’t know they were so bad.” Michael broke into tears. He held Alec’s right hand in both of his and rested his head on it.

“Would he be… you know…” Ragnor wasn’t able to finish his question as Cat nudged him, giving him a look of ‘What are you asking?’ He chose to ignore some of the things Michael mentioned; it wasn’t a time or place to play lawyer.

“Live? I don’t know Mr. Fell. Honestly, I don’t know. He is not responding to medicine. He’s showing no signs of improvement, neither deteriorating. So I don’t know how long he’ll be like this, would he wake up… or not.”

“Will you let Magnus see him? He’s worried you know. He loves Alec. And I’m sure Alec loved him too. Please… Please let Magnus meet him. He’s also in shock. He needs to know, he needs to see Alec. Maybe Magnus can talk to him, you know… let him prove his love.” Ragnor half-begged.

“I never doubted Magnus’s love, Mr. Fell. What I doubted was his reaction. In the paper, Alec is still the person who tampered with Magnus’s parents’ car, the reason Magnus lost his parents. Can Magnus go beyond that and still love Alec?” Michael looked at Ragnor straight in the eyes. His green eyes flickered with tears, “I highly doubt Mr. Fell. I doubt one can forgive it all. Magnus still doesn’t know everything. And expect him to be alright after knowing everything, would be expecting too much from him.”

Ragnor was stumped because Michael was right. Could Magnus actually forgive and forget everything and move on from this? Would it be so easy for him? Ragnor couldn’t imagine what Magnus must’ve been going through, the dilemma, the questions he’s dealing inside himself. “He needs to know, Magnus needs to know. He deserves to.”

“I know. Magnus can come and see him if he wants. I didn’t bother him because I didn’t know how he was. I was busy with keeping Alec alive.” There was a slight hint of sarcasm in his voice. “Magnus can come and stay…”

Ragnor almost went to thank Michael and leave before Michael spoke again, “…As long as he isn’t affecting Alec’s health in a negative manner. Right now I’d give anything to save my brother. Letting Magnus stay is the least I can do. Alec loves him. So maybe… maybe Magnus can help to revive him.” Michael’s eyes glinted dangerously. Ragnor and Catarina left the room as soon as they could. They had to talk to Magnus.

 

**97 – Michael Wayland [Timeline: Flashback]**

Imogen Herondale was one of the rich associates of rich Manhattan lifestyle. She owned many properties herself as well as her dead husband’s business. She was a strong, smart and independent woman who gave damn to society. Bringing up a son on her own made her emotionally way too strong. But Stephen Herondale was just the exact opposite of his mother. He was the perfect example of a rich spoiled brat. And Waylands didn’t like their only daughter’s friendship with Stephen.

The Waylands tried to keep their daughter, Cecile, away from Stephen. But that only fed to the stubbornness of the two teenagers. The Waylands tried to keep calm thinking of their middle-class standard in the society and their son, Michael who actually was a brilliant student. Michael, on the other hand, loved his sister a lot even though they were 7 years apart. He even started to like Stephen when he showed Michael his passion.

Stephen may be a spoiled brat but he loved kids. All the money he could extract from his father’s trust on a monthly basis, he would spend it all on the poor kids in orphanages. Stephen never used his real name in fear of publicity. He didn’t want that. He just wanted to do some good. He would buy clothes, food, toys and other necessary stuff and would go to orphanages and donate them. He took Michael a couple of times. Michael found out that the silver-haired boy had a heart of gold. And that’s why he didn’t stop his sister from sneaking out with Stephen for months.

Michael had noticed changes in Cecile even before their parents did. When Cecile found out she was carrying Stephen’s baby, Michael helped her to talk to their parents. But Stephen was afraid to talk to his mother. Stephen knew his mother would never accept it and probably would try to hurt Cecile. So with a little help, 18-year-olds Stephen and Cecile eloped.

A year later, after their baby was born, Cecile came to meet Michael in his school. The 12-year-old boy was scared. But the moment he saw the tiny baby in the blue blanket in Stephen’s arms, he was happy for his sister. That was the first time he met Jace, his nephew, a perfect silver hair baby like his dad.

The Waylands hated that Cecile betrayed them. Things fell apart when one day Michael’s dad died in a heart attack. His mother was never better after that. But she stood her husband’s ground and didn’t accept Cecile back.

Michael would sneak out of the house for years to meet them. He would meet Jace and Cecile at the playground where Jace would play with 2 other kids, the Lightwoods. Michael grew fond of the eldest Lightwood, Alec. He was bright and always took care of Jace, just like he did for his sister Izzy. A couple of years after that another Lightwood joined the gang, Max.

Cecile worked as a nanny for Lightwoods which gave her a place to raise her own kid with the Lightwood kids. Stephen worked small jobs at the Lightwood’s company. He tried to turn things around. Michael was grateful to the Lightwoods who gave his sister and her family a place to settle themselves. Jace particularly was close to Alec. They were inseparable, like own brothers.

Michael watched them grow for 7 years until Cecile and Stephen died in a car accident. Stephen went to pick Alec and Cecile from Alec’s archery practice. There was ice on the road and Stephen had lost balance. Thankfully Alec had come out of the accident unharmed. But Michael lost his family.

His mother couldn’t bear the news of losing her daughter and lost her sanity. Imogen Herondale denied any relation with Jace. So Jace became not only an orphan but also homeless. The state wouldn’t give Jace to Michael because he was 19 and just joined the med school. He already had student loans to pay. Michael had no idea how to save Jace.

But then, Jace’s savior came in the form of a 9-year-old kid, Jace’s best friend, his brother. Alec bawled, cried his eyes out and didn’t eat for days before the Lightwoods gave in to his persistence. That was the first and only time he had seen the lanky, raven-haired boy losing his calm composure. That was the only time Alec went against his parents and lost his shits in order to protect his brother. Weirdly Alec always referred Jace as his brother. Lightwoods decided to take Jace in.

Michael remembered the day he went to thank Alec for doing what he himself couldn’t do. He was ever grateful to Alec for saving his nephew. A 9-year-old did something that a 19-year old couldn’t. Michael started to respect Alec. He also knew that nothing could harm Jace, as long as Alec was there to protect him.

Michael met Alec and Jace for the last time on Alec’s birthday right after Stephen and Cecile’s death. He never met them after that. He wanted Jace to grow in a loving environment of a family and not know about his parents’ early demise before than he would understand. Jace was 7; Alec protected him from understanding too much, too soon.

But Michael never knew when Max died. He never knew when Jace found out the cause of his parents’ death. He never knew Jace blamed Alec for surviving that accident and called him bad luck. He never knew Izzy blamed him the same regarding Max. He never knew that Maryse made a 15-year-old who just saw his brother burn and suffocate to death right in front of his eyes, who himself suffered from a lung burn, guilty for being alive so much that he ran away from home within a month of the accident.

Alec never fully recovered from the accident. He never got a chance to mourn properly. The Lightwoods didn’t let him visit Max’s grave or attend the funeral. Michael never knew that nobody noticed that Alec was suffering from PTSD or his seizures.

Michael didn’t know about anything until he saw a file on Lydia’s table, with a picture of a scrawny, pale skinned, half nourished, raven-haired and hazel eyed boy with his own surname who seemed so familiar. Michael realized he only saw a ghost of the kid who once saved his nephew, in Starbucks where they met after almost 10 years before Alec ran away again. It took years for Michael, a couple of badly bitten tongue and bruised knuckles due to bad seizures and almost jumping off Brooklyn Bridge to break Alec, to make him talk and put him through medical help. By then Alec’s heart and lungs were too damaged. But Michael had to help Alec; he was forever indebted to him for saving Jace; he couldn’t give up on Alec. So he let him be Alec Wayland, brother of Michael Wayland.

 

**98 – Meet the Lightwoods**

“Michael…” Ragnor opened the door and walked in. Magnus and Cat followed him. “Magnus has come to meet.” He announced.

“Of course…” Michael got up from the chair and looked at Magnus who looked really pale. Cat had to support him all the way. Magnus’s brown eyes seemed darker than before. The rings under his eyes were very much visible and so was his 4 days old prominent stubble.

“How are you, Magnus?” Michael asked softly and walked to him. Magnus only could stare at him. It was as if Magnus wanted to say something but nothing came out. Surprising everyone, Michael enveloped Magnus in a strong hug and stroked his back, “It’s okay, Magnus. It’s gonna be fine.”

Michael cooed softly but Magnus shuffled back. Only he could listen to the slight wavering in those words. “Is it? Is it gonna be fine, Michael?” Magnus murmured so slowly that Michael almost didn’t hear it. “Can you for once not lie to me?” Magnus spoke again Michael didn’t say anything.

“Ragnor told me what happened. Ragnor told me Alec is in coma and his heart isn’t responding. Ragnor told me that for 3 days I locked myself in a room for no reason when I could’ve been with him, by his side. Ragnor told me that Alec is alive but barely. Alec had a heart attack and Ragnor told me that.” Magnus’s monologue took all of them by surprise. But Magnus continued, “It should’ve been you, Michael, it should’ve been you to tell me all that. You could at least let me know Alec’s condition. I get that you don’t want me anywhere near Alec because I failed.” Magnus’s breath got heavy, “I promised to bring him back. I promised that Alec would listen to me. But he didn’t and I failed. But you… why didn’t you tell me Alec is alive? Why did you let me believe that I lost him forever? What do I have to do to prove that I love him… no matter what?” Magnus gripped Michael’s shirt and shook him badly, throwing some light punches at his chest. Michael didn’t make a move to stop him. “You… I expected that much from you… I was waiting for you to come… and tell me… that it’s over… it’s finished and… and I failed… but I didn’t… I didn’t fail… I prayed every single moment… I prayed to God to let him live, Michael… I never prayed… Not when my parents died… Not when Robert Lightwood took dad’s company… Not when I lost my home and everything… Not when the Fells took me in… I just wanted justice… And it was served 4 years ago… I don’t give a fucking damn anymore… I just love him… I just want my Alexander back…” Tears streamed down his face without his acknowledgment.

Magnus gave in to Michael’s arms and Michael held him close. Ragnor and Catarina watched them holding each other and crying like there’s no tomorrow. Only the other sound in the room was the beeping sounds of all the machines that Alec’s was attached to.

“I’m so sorry, Magnus. I’m really sorry. I was supposed to be your brother as well, I promised Alec. But the situation got so bad that I couldn’t think of anything else. I know it’s no excuse and I messed up big time but I never intended to ignore you, Magnus. You’re a part of Alec, how could I?” Michael held back and wiped Magnus’s cheeks with his thumb, “But I am sorry I ignored you, never went to see you and tell you what you have all the rights to know. Please forgive me, Magnus.”

“Why do you still doubt me? We both know Alec would never hurt anyone knowingly. He’s not a killer, not a monster that he surely believes he is. Then why do you doubt my love for him?” Magnus sniffed in Michael’s shoulder.

“I never… I never doubted your love. I doubted your decision, your reaction. I don’t know how much you know about your parents’ accident. Alec didn’t know either. You two never talked about that. I don’t entertain Alec’s thoughts but I’ll still say he has his reasons to think so. There’s a lot more to this whole mess. The battle is still on Magnus and I’m praying too. But I don’t know… I don’t know when or how or if Alec will ever come out of it. I don’t know, Magnus.”

Magnus wiped his face again and straightened his shoulders, “He has to… he has to come out of it. He has to come back… for me… He can’t punish me like this. He has to come home to me.” Magnus shuffled away from Michael and sat beside Alec and held his hand.

Magnus slowly laid his face on Alec’s chest, feeling the warmth like last time he did when Alec was in the hospital. But this time the warmth didn’t even feel calming and assuring. He placed Alec’s hand on his head while he caressed Alec’s chest. He lay there and kept confessing his love to Alec while the others watched Alec, cold and unresponsive to Magnus’s tearful words. That was the moment Magnus finally noticed the sticker on the heart monitor. A figuratively small sticker had written DNR in red and bold.

“Michael… what’s that?”

“What’s what?”

“That sticker… Sign… whatever that is.” Magnus pointed at it with his chin. Michael and others were standing near the door and talking in a hushed tone that Magnus obviously didn’t listen to. Michael looked at it and his heart sank.

“That’s… Ummm… That…” Michael gulped. Cat didn’t save his ass.

“That’s DNR sticker. Do Not Resuscitate.” Cat crossed her arms before turning to Michael and look at him pointedly. Michael swallowed, Ragnor and Magnus frowned. “Why does Alec have a DNR sign, Michael? What have you done?”

“I haven’t done anything,” Michael spoke too soon. Cat only cocked her head to the side giving him a ‘Spill now’ look. “Alec did it, after his bike accident. I swear I didn’t do anything.”

“Alec did what? What is this ‘Do Not Resuscitate’ thing?” Magnus looked between Cat and Michael confused.

“Alec… he signed the forms after his accident. He knew his heart condition was bad. So if he ever coded or if his heart ever stops beating, doctors can’t give him CPR or shock. DNR is an order that doctors can’t ignore and revive a patient. It’s a patient’s wish they have to keep.” Michael grimaced and saw the change in Magnus’s face as he realized the meaning.

“No…” Magnus looked at Alec, “No… you can’t do that to me.” Magnus cried to Michael, “He can’t do that to me. Tell me there’s a way to stop this.”

“There isn’t, Magnus. I’m sorry. I can’t help.” Magnus sank his head under Alec’s arm.

“Actually…” Cat started but she never could finish as the door burst open with a loud sound. A man and a woman tumbled in the room with Alec’s name on their lips. Both were disheveled and panting. Apparently, both came running with Val on their toe and Magnus recognized them instantly.

“Jace? Izzy?” the moment Magnus took those names he realized what he said. His eyes went wide with the weird sense of realization. The blond and the raven stared at him intently as they spoke together.

“Magnus?”

 

**99 – Behind the scenes**

“Wait.” Valentine looked between the siblings and Magnus. Ragnor and Cat stood at the side unable to understand anything. Nobody noticed Michael paled, ashen and trying to hide away. “You guys know each other?” Val himself was a bit ridiculed.

Magnus, Jace and Izzy only blinked at each other before Izzy saw Alec on the bed. She walked past Magnus but stopped short before the bed. Her face was expressionless. Jace came to stand beside her as well. And Magnus turned to see Jace slowly taking Izzy’s hand into his. Michael stood at the back, indiscreet.

“Jonathan and Isabelle Lightwood” Magnus spoke clearly which caught their attention.

“Magnus…” Jace started but Magnus interrupted.

“Jacey and Izzy,” Magnus spoke again and noticed them exchanging a look. “You are Alec’s siblings. You’re the other Lightwood siblings that I never knew of.” Magnus muttered as if to talk to himself. “After my parents died, Val told me that the killer was charged for the murder of his own brother as well. And also he had 2 more siblings. After all these years I met Jace as Clary’s boyfriend and Izzy as Simon’s girlfriend and I never realized. I never knew the names of other Lightwood kids. Nobody ever told me. Even when I met you both, I didn’t make the connection. And that’s why when I met Izzy for the first time, she seemed so familiar.” Magnus talked without exactly looking at anyone, “Alec and you share so much of similarities.” Magnus turned to Izzy and cocked his head, “Your eyes, skin tone, hair, the way you talk, the way you smile, the pain behind your eyes…”

Magnus suddenly shot back, away from them, “You gave up on him. You let him run away from home. You let him be blamed for the things he never did. Even I knew he couldn’t do things like that, even though they told me he’s the killer of my parents. Alec lived believing he failed Max. But it’s you… it’s you who failed him.” Magnus went to Alec and sat beside him, “Why didn’t you listen to him?” but he was still talking to Jace and Izzy who turned paler with every word that left Magnus’s lips.

“Why didn’t you give him a chance to explain? Why couldn’t you trust him to not kill his own baby brother and listen? How could you accept that he killed two absolutely strangers? How could you believe that he had a motive to do that? How could you blame your own brother?” Magnus turned to look at Jace and Izzy but only met silence. So he turned to Alec, “Wake up, baby. Wake up and see who’ve come. Wake up and see that the siblings that once abandoned you and left you to die have come to see you. Wake up and see that your prayers have been heard, your wait is over. Wake up, my Love.” Magnus broke but not into tears. Inside he was dying to scream out loud at Jace and Izzy. For the first time since his parents’ death, he felt the utter anger.

Jace and Izzy stood still and took in Magnus’s words. Somehow they also blamed themselves for the same things over and over again since they found out. But Magnus’s anger was yet to be seen.

“Why have you come now?” Magnus’s voice was deathly cold as he sat on the edge of the bed holding Alec’s hand. He had a weird urge to cover Alec’s ears so he won’t hear what Jace and Izzy had to say. He was afraid; he wanted to protect Alec in case Jace and Izzy hurt him again. He didn’t want Alec to listen to them and feel more conscious and disappointed and loathe himself. He somehow knew Alec would be more hurt.

“Magnus, please…” Izzy’s silent sob made Magnus turn at them. “We didn’t know. We didn’t know anything. We had no idea. I was 12 and Jace was 13 when Max died and everything fell apart. Dad…” her voice cracked with an unnamed emotion. “…he was our father, Magnus. We trusted him. We believed him. We believed everything he told us. Alec… he never protested about anything, he never talked to us. We had no idea what dad…” Izzy bit back her tongue again, “Robert… what Robert did to him. Even mom believed him.”

Magnus looked at her pointedly as she fiddled with a ring on her right-hand middle finger. Nobody was looking at him in the eye.

“Yeah, mom didn’t say anything either. At some point mom also blamed him. Mom also turned her face away from him. We all trusted Robert, even when he said Alec… died. He told us that Alec’s body was too gruesome to look at… He told us that Alec tried to escape so they had to bring him down and he died, that he was punished for his sins… he didn’t allow us to see his body… whereas actually, there was no body to show. He told us a lame story and we believed him. But we never meant to blame him for what happened. We were grieving and mourning Max and then suddenly FBI came to home one night and Alec was scared out of his wits. He looked guilty downright. But we didn’t know he’d run away.” Jace paused for a bit to look up at Alec.

“And when he did, everyone assumed it’s because he was guilty. Even cops chased after him. All of a sudden they told us he was responsible for another accident the night Maxie died, a couple’s death in a car crash. They never told us exactly what happened but they told us they found some smudged fingerprints of him on the car. With everything, he was looking more and guiltier and we never had a chance to talk to him. 5 days after he ran away, all of a sudden dad…” Jace cursed himself inwardly, “Robert told us that he died. We were shocked.”

“23 days and we actually lost both brothers. We couldn’t even think. And then mom… she changed. She locked herself in Alec’s room. She blamed herself for not being able to save Alec. She repeatedly said that she should’ve listened to Alec. But Robert made sure mom too believed him. After Alec was gone, mom was happy for a few days. But she couldn’t take the news of losing her firstborn. Da… Robert took her to an asylum. We thought she’d be better there. With years we visited her less and less as she stopped responding to anyone. We didn’t know Robert drove her into madness.” Izzy croaked.

Magnus took a sudden intake of breath. He couldn’t help but feel that maybe Alec was better without knowing all that, maybe Alec was happier not knowing that his mom went mad after him. The rage for Robert boiled inside him which was simmering since his parents’ death.

“We are guilty of not being able to save mom too.” Jace sighed.

“You blamed him for Cecile and Stephen. You blamed him for Max. You called him a monster, a killer, a curse, a disappointment, a freaking bad luck bearer. You told him he should’ve died in place of Max.”  

 

**100 – Facing Fire**

They all suddenly looked up at the cold, chocked yet sharp voice that came from near the bathroom door. Michael finally came out and Jace looked like he’d seen a ghost as he stumbled back a couple of steps. He only came to his sense when his back hit Valentine. Ragnor and Cat still stood at the side.

“You…” Jace stuttered but nothing else came out of his mouth. Izzy and Magnus looked back and forth between them.

“Yes, Jonathan Christopher Wayland Herondale Lightwood. Me. I presume you did take Alec’s surname legally.”

“How… how do you… you know my… name… my parents…” Jace stuttered really badly. Izzy had never seen Jace like that.

“And you don’t remember me.” Michael cocked his head with a weird smile tugging at the corner of his lips.

“You… no… you look like… mum… you have my mother’s eyes.” Jace sputtered. Michael smiled; Jace was right about that. Copper blond hair and emerald green eyes are among the features the Wayland siblings shared. “Who are you? How do you know my real name, my parents’ name?”

“You mean how I know the name that only Alec knew.” Michael himself didn’t even know how he was smiling when his soul was about to rip out his body and wanted to slap Jace. All the nightmares, all the screams of Jace’s and Izzy’s names and sobs and vain attempts to die, the pain Alec went through for years, swam through his head.

“You’re not at the liberty to ask questions anymore, Parabatai, you only will say today. You, Izzy, Val and I will tell Magnus a story, a story Magnus always asked me to tell him. But I never did because it should’ve been Alec to tell him, not me. But you, me and we… we all are witnesses of Alec’s story. We only had bits and pieces but now when we’re all here, together…” Michael sauntered to Jace with a devilish smile on his face, “Start talking, my dear Silver Prince.”

Cold silence enveloped the room as everybody saw Jace flinch at the names Michael used to refer him. Jace felt like he was having a huge déjà vu. Memories from his early childhood flooded his brain and made him fuzzy. Izzy reached to hold him as he swayed a bit and rested in Ragnor’s hold. “Uncle Mike…” Jace muttered before Michael rushed and took Jace in his arms, hugging him tightly.

Jace needed a couple of moments to process everything. He never remembered much from the time when his parents were alive. He remembered missing them, he remembered Alec taking care of him. Alec always talked about a family Jace had. But somewhere his memories become so twisted that he started to believe that the last existing bit of his family also abandoned him like his grandmother.

Alec never tried to hide anything from Jace; he only tried to protect him from the ugliness of it. He remembered there was someone who had told Jace and Alec about a poem, sort of; an oath of eternal brotherhood. He remembered there was someone who had taught them the meaning of Parabatai and thus Alec and Jace were one to each other. Memories of breezy summer evenings in park flashed before his eyes, where Jace and Alec were playing tag with another older boy, uncle Mike, Cecile’s young brother.

In a moment of unguarded emotions, Jace wrapped his arms around Michael and caught the scent he had almost forgotten; the scent of his mother. For some reason unknown to both, tears streamed both their faces. Jace murmured Michael’s name again and again until he started to believe it.

“You remember nothing?” Michael asked when Jace pulled back a bit and only shook his head. “Of course you don’t. You were only 7 when we met for the last time.”

“Why did you leave me?” Jace whispered.

“I didn’t want to, Jacey; I never wanted to leave you. You were my only family left then. But I needed to protect you and Alec wouldn’t let you go. I knew Alec would do anything to protect you. I was just glad when Lightwoods took you in. I thought you’d be happy and safe, that you’d be with a family. I never stopped loving you, Jacey, I never stopped missing you.” Michael placed a kiss on top of Jace’s head and he just closed his eyes. He suddenly remembered how his mum used to kiss him good night.

“I didn’t even know I missed you.” Jace was staring at Michael. “How do you know Alec?” Michael almost flinched back at the question.

“Yeah… I have a major question…” Val raised his hand like he was about to ask a question to his teacher in a class. “Who’s Simon and Clary? I mean, I get the relations with Jace and Izzy but how do you know them, Magnus?”

Magnus was suddenly brought back to reality with Val’s question. He was staring at Jace and Michael, still not understanding the relation or anything that happened between them. “Umm… Clary… she’s my assistant. Almost like a second in command for BANE. She practically runs the company while I’m off to doing … anything but work. And Simon…” Izzy all of a sudden cut him.

“Simon used to work with Alec in the Pandemonium which I think is Magnus’s friend Raphael Santiago’s club. After the incident when Alec got injured while trying to save Clary from muggers… Simon and I had some talk about our relationship. That’s when I found out about Alec being alive. Before then Jace and I still believed Alec was dead. Much thanks to Det. Morgenstern for that.” Izzy narrowed her eyes at Val.

“Umm… how about we start from the start; the night the Banes and Max Lightwood died?” Val looked at others a bit uncomfortable.

Ragnor and Catarina were still being silent audience until Magnus looked at them. “You both know Izzy.”

“Err yeah, we do.” Rag muttered.

“How?” Val was literally confused at the web it had spread among these people.

“Isabelle is our wedding planner.” Cat said with a frown at Magnus.

“And Mr. Lightwood is a privileged client of the firm I work at.” Rag muttered and Magnus looked at him with questioning eyes. “Mr. Lightwood is somewhat my boss, Mags.” He shrugged.

“Un-fucking-believable,” Val shook his head, “So each one of you is somehow or other related to this whole madness and as well as each other. If Alec and Robert are the centers of it, Magnus, Jace, Izzy, Max and Michael are other big parts. And Ragnor, Catarina, Clary, Simon, Raphael, Gus and Rosa are like other parts and also Luke and Maia. And don’t forget Lydia and me. It’s like freaking fucking elaborated and pretty bad movie.” Val chuckled but stopped the moment he noticed the grimness on everyone’s face.

“I think Val is right. Let’s start from the beginning.” Magnus suggested.

“Max and your parent’s death is not the beginning Magnus. It all started a long before that. Robert’s torture on Alec started since the day he found out about Imasu.” Michael started pained smile.

 

 

**_To be continued..._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and kudos are always appreciated.


	5. Stage 5 – The Upward turn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter consists of Part/Chapter-101 to Part/Chapter-125 of the Instagram posts.
> 
> Warning - Swear words have been used frequently, throughout the chapter.  
> Warning - Trigger (Self and Inflicted harm)  
> Honestly, I'm terrible at this warning thing. So just bear with me, please.

**101 – The Story part 1**

Michael waved his hand around the room in a gesture so everyone would take a seat wherever they could find. Magnus sat on the bed. Michael took the bedside chair. Izzy, Jace and Cat dragged the couch closer from the window side. Ragnor and Val helped themselves on the small study table that was placed at one corner of the private room Alec stayed. The beeping sound of the machines was constant to not notice in the silence and Alec was still asleep with no sign on movement. It was past dinner time when they started. Magnus didn’t let go of Alec’s hand. Rain still hit the window accompanied by storm and lightning.

 

“Imasu… I read the name before. In Alec’s diary, there was a lot of mentions of that name. Who is he?” Magnus caressed Alec’s knuckles with his thumbs slowly.

“Imasu was Alec’s friend from school, as far as I know. He was also Alec’s first boyfriend. With him, Alec had realized he’s gay.” Michael looked up to see the shock on Jace’s and Izzy’s face. Magnus had a look of fear. “I’m guessing you didn’t know about that.” He pointed at Jace and Izzy with his chin and they shook their heads in agreement. He continued, “Ah… Well… things went downhill when Robert found Imasu and Alec kissing one day. Alec didn’t know Robert was very much against it. He was still new to that stuff and he didn’t expect that kind of reaction from Robert. Imasu, on the other hand, really loved Alec.”

Michael looked to Magnus who gripped Alec’s hand tighter than ever; his face paled. Magnus knew Alec had partners before but they never talked about it. Alec never told him how he found himself. “Robert started beating Alec. He tried Holy Water and stuffs on him. He took Alec to church thinking he’d get him purified or something. He was a twisted son of a bitch that way. Alec was too shocked to respond to any of that. Nobody noticed anything ’cause Alec was really good at hiding and Robert threatened him repeatedly. At first, threats were like sending Jace to Imogen, Izzy to boarding school or take Max away from him. I don’t know why Maryse never found anything. All of it happened too fast, within months.”

“He wasn’t even Catholic or religious or something. Why the fuck he took Alec to church? Being gay isn’t like possessed by a demon or whatever.” Jace sniggered.

“Exactly that. Robert wanted to prove that Alec was unholy, possessed or bearer of any larger sin. He wasn’t religious but he believed in some deep twisted stuff.” Val spoke softly. As everybody looked at Val, he looked back at them consciously. “What? Robert gave a really thorough, disgusting and brain melting confession after his arrest. It was hard for us to listen to his whacky stuff. Man, some of it was really gruesome.” Val scrunched his nose in disgust.

“Anyway… Alec knew he couldn’t talk to any of you…” Michael pointed at Jace and Izzy again, “He was afraid Robert would do exactly what he threatened to do. So Alec took it all the torture, physical and mental, silently. But even Robert’s believes and all didn’t stop him from cheating on Maryse…”

“Yeah… he said she didn’t fulfill his desires, that bastard.” Val piped. Michael, Jace and Izzy looked at him horrified. They all knew it was an utter lie. Maryse loved Robert a lot.

“He had affair on regular basis I think. And that’s how he met Rosaline Bane.” Michael peeked at Magnus to see his grip tightening on Alec’s hand more. His knuckles went white. “Though Robert didn’t know who exactly she was. He wasn’t any good at business either. Maryse tried to keep it afloat as much as possible. But since Cecile and Stephen died, Maryse was kinda lost. Cecile helped with home and kids while Stephen was her one of the closest alias. Losing them was a big blow on Lightwood Enterprises I think. Hence Maryse didn’t pay attention to her husband’s life much.” Michael took a breath, “In the meantime, she managed to find an investor for the company, Augustus Bane. And Rosaline wasn’t supposed to get pregnant obviously.” He looked at Magnus again who clenched his jaws.

“That’s the only mistake Robert made.” Val continued from where Michael stopped. “Rosa talked to her husband when she realized who Robert was. She didn’t want to hide anything from Gus. They talked and decided to talk to Robert as well. Gus was ready to forgive both of them for the sake of the baby. When Rosa talked to Robert, he invited them over dinner. Gus had his doubts at first but he accepted the offer anyway. Robert probably found from Maryse about the deal with Bane Inc. that could save his company. So he planned something. He thought Gus will break the deal and go to media and tank him. So he thought killing them can only be his proper solution. But he couldn’t do it on his own. Then who would?”

Val kept talking without looking at anyone. Magnus had his head down too. “Well, he had a pawn ready at his service, someone who’d do anything to protect others from Robert’s madness. Robert knew this time threatening Alec won’t be that easy. Izzy, Jace and Max wouldn’t work. So he threatened Imasu. That boy’s father, unfortunately, used work in Lightwood Enterprises. Imasu’s family struggled with money. Robert used his parents’ homophobic ideas against Imasu and offered them a large amount of money to make Imasu go away from Alec. But Imasu and Alec found it out. And when Alec went to face Robert, he threatened to harm the Morales physically.”

 

**102 – The Story part 2**

Michael started from where Val stopped. He was a bit shocked seeing how much Val knew about the Banes that he was on nickname basis about them.

“By that time Alec knew what Robert was capable of and could do something about it, Imasu took the deal to protect his family. Or rather Alec made him take it. And two days after Imasu left the city, Robert left with Maryse, Jace and Izzy for Jace’s tennis tournament. Probably Robert gave Alec something the night before so he’d feel sick and wouldn’t go with them. Max was supposed to stay at his friend’s place for a birthday party. That was the day the Banes were supposed to come for ‘the talk’.” Michael air-quoted with his fingers.

“All of it fell in place. It was a perfect plan. Robert had already beaten Alec badly because he tried to escape from home to meet Imasu for one last time before he left the city. Alec didn’t show his pain a single bit but Robert must’ve known he was heartbroken. He used that against Alec. Alec was already vulnerable and half-beaten to death. He was the perfect pawn. The thing that probably hurt him more than the beating maybe was that nobody paid single attention, not Jace, not Izzy, not Maryse. And Alec pushed Imasu away just to save the boy’s family.” Michael looked at Magnus once who was on the verge of crying or murdering something or someone. Izzy hid her face in her hands. Jace bit his lips to stop the growl that clearly mirrored on his eyes.

“Yeah… Robert planned it really carefully. Your guess is right, Michael. Robert did give Alec drugs to make him sick so he would stay at home. And that wasn’t the only time. Both Alec and Maryse were made sick with bad drugs, more than once.” Michael, Jace, Izzy and Magnus suddenly looked up and Val’s words. “When Gus and Rosa went to Lightwood Mansion, they obviously met Alec only. Alec didn’t know what to do and called Robert…”

“So that’s when Robert told Alec exactly what to do.” Michael cut Val and his eyes shined with sudden realization as if he finally solved a bugging math problem.

Val nodded. “Yeah, Robert gave him order how to tamper with the car. His last threat was that he had appointed people to make Max be kidnapped somehow and do something to him. But Robert didn’t know Max wasn’t at his friend’s place.”

“Max stayed at home ’cause Alec was sick. He didn’t want to go. So they decided to make a cake.” Michael piped again. Jace, Izzy and Magnus looked between them continuously as they filled each other’s story in a full version.

“Yeah, so generally Alec thought Max was safe at home with him. But he still did what Robert asked him to do because he didn’t want anything to happen with Max later. He was the least bit bothered that Robert would probably beat the shit out of him again for not listening to him.” Val was cut by Michael again.

“Alec never bothered with the physical scars Robert caused.” Val looked at Michael annoyed, “Sorry… sorry… continue.”

“Alec probably had no idea that the tampering would end up in their death. I wonder if he knew it, what he’d do… He probably would’ve taken every beating for the rest of his life to save my friends.” Val chuckled sarcastically. But Jace, Izzy and Michael looked at him questioningly.

“Oh yeah, Val, mom and dad were friends from school. They knew each other well. I knew Val all my life ’cause he’s my Godfather.” Magnus didn’t look up but he could feel some eyes were wide at him. “After the accident, Val wanted to take me with him but I stayed with the Fells because we both were too obsessed to find out the truth. Val needed to focus on his job than taking care of me. I was a constant reminder that even being a cop he wasn’t able to help his friends. We both needed a break after police announced the case closed as apparently, the killer died in an accident.” Magnus sighed. “I remember Val had come home to meet mom and dad the night before they went to meet Robert.” Magnus spoke for the first time in a long time. He was still looking at Alec averting other’s eyes.   

“You were friends with them?” Michael still couldn’t believe it.

“That’s why they didn’t let me on the case at first. They treated me as family more than an officer to be able to solve the case. I tried to tell them what Gus and Rosa had told me but they took it as a story. As they found Alec’s fingerprint and somehow Rosa’s pregnancy never showed up on the autopsy report, they actually believed Robert’s confession. And that was the most twisted confession I have ever heard probably, except his real one.” Val looked at others for a quick check on expression before continuing.

“That son of a bitch said Alec did that on his own since he found out Gus wanted to break the deal and tank Lightwood Enterprises. Alec did that to help the company and save his family. That Alec killed two people on his own out of love for his family.” Val gave a shrugging laugh, “He even managed to alter autopsy reports and tamper with the phone’s call list. Can you believe cops even accepted that Alec wanted to pose as a good son and killed two people in cold blood because he wanted to help the family’s business?” Val snorted as if it still amused him, “Alec wasn’t even involved in the business, never. There was not a single mention of his name in the business which could support how he found Gus’s decision to break the deal. They just chose to believe that a teenager had the motive to kill strangers, because it was the easiest and viable solution at that moment and because his own father said so. I just couldn’t make them understand how wrong all of it sounded.” Val looked still angry at the memory.

“Okay, I can understand the whole Imasu thing. Even if I try I won’t ever be able to understand what exactly happened with Alec back then…” Izzy’s voice choked a bit, “…what Robert exactly did to him and why. I get it why Alec decided to tamper with the car. He wanted to protect Max and all. But Max died the same night as Magnus’s parents.” Izzy talked for the first time but she was frowning as if she still didn’t understand something, “What I don’t understand is how the fire is related to all this? Why did they say Alec killed Max? It was just an accident, right, just a nasty oven blast?” Izzy looked at Michael and Val wildly.

Magnus seemed to like that question too. Why Alec was ever blamed for Max’s death in the first place if it was just an accident?

Val and Michael exchanged a look. They obviously knew how it was related. But Magnus looked up too; he was slowly but finally understanding the situation. But all of them jerked up as the silence of the room suddenly changed into a loud noise of machine attached to Alec.

 

**103 – Don’t pull the plug**

Everybody stared at Alec transfixed for a minute or so before Cat came to her senses. She looked up at the monitor and cursed before running out of the room. Somewhere a low siren started to buzz with the words “code blue”. Some doctors and nurses filled the room with some machines. They all stood just motionless.

“Dr. Wayland… Dr. Wayland… I need you clear the room.” A nurse shook Michael who stared blank-eyed at Alec. Val stood beside Magnus and tugged at his arm. Ragnor simply called Jace and Izzy to move. But none of them did.

“No…” Magnus shook his arm away, “I’m not leaving. I’m not leaving Alec… No… Lemme go…” Magnus struggled as Val tried to drag him away. “No… Leave me… Alec… Alec… God damn it, Alec, wake up… Please… Please wake up… Alec… Alexander… Alexander, please…” Magnus cried out and thrashed in Val’s arms. Michael still stood in a place and looked at Alec who was shaking badly in his bed.

The nurses dragged the crash cart near Alec and prepared it while Ragnor and Catarina took Izzy and Jace out. Izzy immediately broke down in Jace’s arms. Jace wasn’t much better either. His eyes watered but he clenched his teeth. They only found Alec back. They weren’t ready to let him go that soon. They had so much to talk about. They had so much to apologize for.

Jace could only think that if anything happened to Alec, Izzy and he wouldn’t have a chance to apologize, to talk to Alec for one last time, to tell him that they loved and missed him a lot. Jace wondered if he’d have a chance to even say goodbye. Izzy clung on to his shirt. They could hear Magnus crying, shouting and fighting. They could hear Magnus calling for Alec, begging him to wake up, and telling him over and over how much he loves Alec. Jace couldn’t bear those words anymore. Jace knew he had to do something.

Michael, on the other hand, didn’t show anything. He was waiting. He was waiting for the moment when the doctors and nurses would realize that Alec is a DNR patient and they’d take the defibrillator away and Michael would still be standing there watching his Kiddo die, moment by moment. Michael was waiting for Magnus to stop and realize that Alec couldn’t hear anything anymore, that he was gone too far to listen to him anymore and come back. Michael just waited and soon everybody realized.

 

“Doctor, wait…” The doctor who held the paddles looked up annoyed at the nurse who stopped him.

“What?” he snapped at the blond ponytailed girl.

“He’s a DNRP, sir.” The girl said lightly and Magnus howled; his leg hit the guardrail of the bed as Val tried to contain him. Michael’s heart sank at the bottom on his stomach.

“What?” the doctor said again and looked up at the monitor with the sticker. “Damn…” he put the paddles down. “Put it away, I’ll wait here.” He said to the nurse before looking at Magnus who slowly slumped in Val’s arms with another howl and then at Michael who stood there staring at Alec.

Alec’s body was curling as the shaking dissipated. Alec slowly settled down. Michael knew what was happening. He mentally calculated the minutes. It was just calm before the storm. Alec’s body will calm down for a few minutes before the last shock would hit that his body wouldn’t be able to ride out. And then finally his heart rate would decrease rapidly until flat-line. Alec had just a few minutes left, at tops, 10-15.

“Michael… Michael, please do something. Don’t let him die, please… I won’t be able to live. Please, Michael, don’t let him do this to me. Please save him… I beg you, please… Please save Alec… I can’t live without him… I’d die, Michael… I’d die without him… He’s all I have… I love him, Michael… Please…” Magnus grabbed his collar and threw punches at his chest. For the first time since Alec coded, Michael looked away from him. He looked at Magnus’s tear-stained face as he buried it in his chest grabbing the lapel of his shirt and kept on saying that he’d die without Alec. Michael took a step back, shocking the shit out of Magnus.

 

**104 – Come home, Kiddo**

The doctor was sitting on the other side of the bed with eyes glued to the monitor. He didn’t see when Michael moved away from Magnus and went to sit beside Alec. From the shock of Michael’s cold gesture, Magnus had stopped crying. Michael laid his head on Alec’s shoulder as if to hug him. Then Magnus heard something; a soft low whisper.

“I’m sorry, Alec. I’m really sorry that I have to do this. Because I can’t let that happen. I can’t keep your wish. I can’t see Magnus hurt. I can’t see you give up. You love Magnus and I know it. And I’m going to do whatever it takes to save you… both of you. I love you, Alec. So… forgive me.” Michael whispered at Alec’s ear before getting up and putting his hand in his pocket. He brought something out and gave a small look at the doctor who was still staring at the monitor and writing something on Alec’s chart. Michael swiftly stabbed the thing in Alec’s arm. “I don’t care if I go to jail or lose my license. I’m not going to lose you too. Come back, please.” He stood up in a swift motion and grabbed the defibrillator again, charging it as fast as possible.

Magnus stood in shock as he watched Michael breaking every single rule he mentioned earlier to not break for a DNR patient. Michael didn’t even flinch and Magnus finally realized how much he cared for Alec. Magnus realized how selfless one has to be, to be able to express their love. For Michael, Alec truly was his brother and he proved it the moment he went against his professional oath of respecting the patient’s choice and pushed the heart stabilizing medicine into Alec. Michael risked his career, life and everything for Alec. The doctor looked up.

Before the doctor could do something Jace tumbled into the room and glanced at everyone. Ragnor must’ve chased after Jace as he called his name while walking into the room. The doctor looked somewhat scared and went for the emergency button when Jace lunged at him quickly understanding the movement.

“What the hell is going on?” Ragnor glanced wildly around the room but nobody answered him.

“Magnus, help me.” Michael called and Magnus was by his side the next moment. Michael shoved the paddles at him and Val went to help Jace as he was struggling to keep the doctor down.

Michael ripped open Alec’s gown and put some gel on his chest and on the paddles. Ragnor yelped when Michael pressed the paddles together before pressing them on Alec’s chest. The body jumped off the bed limply. Michael intently looked at the monitor and charged the machine again. Izzy and Cat rushed inside and saw everything. They couldn’t believe what all those mad-headed-men did. They all literally helped each other to carry out a criminal offense, including an FBI detective.

Izzy cried out when Michael shocked Alec the second time and hid into Cat’s shoulder. Michael waited again for a few moments before charging it again. Val and Jace were half-lying on the almost passed out doctor while staring at the bed. None of them cared about the consequence. All of them had their own reason to get Alec back.

“It’s the last one, Kiddo. It’s the last one I can give you. Please… just please help me here, okay? Just come back to us, hmm? Just come home, Kiddo. Please…” Michael briefly looked upward and closed his eyes once before pressing the paddles again on Alec’s chest. The body jumped again. Michael looked at the monitor for a long time before dropping the paddles and turning the machine off. His shoulder slumped as he laid his head down on the bed.

 

**105 – Ragnor to rescue**

The hospital authority called the police, which was quite inevitable given they manhandled an on-duty doctor and treated a patient with a DNR order. Magnus was scared about Michael but that man was just unfazed.  

With all due reason, they all were kicked out of Alec’s room. They were locked in Magnus’s room. Cops didn’t even let Cat go and get the news on Alec. They didn’t inform by themselves either. It had been 3 hours since the security of the hospital evicted them and Michael hadn’t said a single word since then. He didn’t protest. He didn’t do anything. All they got from him was that one smile before he slumped on Alec’s chest.

Magnus was getting agitated by the moment. He begged the police on guard to get him some news but they didn’t listen to him. Jace and Izzy also kept silent. Val and Ragnor were the only ones who spoke some since then. They’ve been continuously talking in whispers since they were locked in that room. Magnus sat in front of the window and watched the sky changing colors slowly, the sun was about to come up. They all had a tiring night with the story and the rush to save Alec.

“Det. Morgenstern,” A young cop came in as everybody looked up at the voice, “We have some good news and bad news.”

“Good news first, please.” Val was a bit sarcastic. The cop narrowed his eyes at the tone.

“As you all are Mr. Wayland’s family,” Val promptly held Jace’s hand as he was about to say something. Jace and the cop frowned at him. “We can’t process Dr. Wayland on the basis of sentimental issue. And also as long as Mr. Wayland is still unconscious and doesn’t press a charge against any of you,” the cop literally paused for a dramatic effect and Val rolled his eyes. He already could imagine the rest of that sentence, “We can’t proceed with that issue as well.”

Magnus breathed in relief and looked up at Michael with a smile. Michael only just shook his head and closed his eyes. Jace and Izzy smiled at each other.

“The bad news is that the hospital and the doctor are pressing a charge against Mr. Jonathan Lightwood as obviously, they can’t do anything against Dr. Wayland. He’s basically immune with the emergency next of kin authority. So we have to take Mr. Lightwood in custody.” The cop said with a straight face.

Magnus looked up shocked. Jace and Izzy looked down as if they knew it was about to happen. Michael grabbed at his hair sinking his head down in his hands. Ragnor suddenly stepped in.

“If I may,” Ragnor stepped in with a very polite smile between Val and the cop.

“Yes, please. Be my guest.” Val smirked at him with a devilish smile.

“And who are you?” the cop was clearly annoyed.

“Well, now that we’re off the hook and you can’t do anything to us without Alec’s, I mean Mr. Wayland’s testimony and you don’t know me,” Damn Ragnor knew how to pause for dramatic effect and be sassy at the same time. Magnus was laughing in his head. This was the lawyer-Ragnor. “I surely will introduce myself.” He raised his hand for the cop to take and shook it firmly, “I’m Ragnor Fell. I’m a lawyer and I work for Lightwood Enterprises. I speak for Mr. Jonathan Lightwood from now on as his lawyer.” Ragnor paused again to let the information sink in.

“Now that, as you can see that the whole family is in distress, I would be happy to accompany you to the police station and submit Mr. Lightwood’s bail money. But I’d be glad if you can spare the family, right now, at the moment. I’ll arrange for an associate of me to accompany you and we’ll happily sign all the documents here, obviously under the inspection of you good people. The family will be very much grateful if you can help us in a situation like this. As you said about Dr. Wayland, I’ll be letting you know that Mr. Lightwood also acted in a moment of emotional duress. We all can vouch for Mr. Lightwood that he never meant to harm anyone intentionally.” Ragnor gave his best lawyer-like smile that the cop was left dazed for a moment.

“Umm… yeah… err… I guess… it can be done… I’ll check… with my boss…” The cop stuttered.

“Of course, please do all the formalities that need to be done. You can understand that Mr. Lightwood meant no harm to the doctor. He was just simply trying to help his brother. I’m sure we can work out a solution here. And we’ll be here to lend any sort of help possible. We’ll definitely be co-operative with the police.” Ragnor smiled brightly and the cop shook his head muttering a thank you before leaving.

Ragnor finally breathed after the door closed. He turned to see Jace, Izzy and Michael looking at him wide-eyed like they’ve never seen him before. Cat walked to him and kissed him on lips, expressing her gratitude and happiness. Magnus just smirked with a small smile and mouthed a thank you. The room fell silent again.

 

**106 – The Story part 3**

“That’s all you could think when I said there’s a way?” Cat suddenly asked after the door shut behind the cop.

Michael looked up as he realized the question was directed at him. “What?” He was disoriented.

“When I said there’s a way to not address the DNR issue, that’s all you could think? Holding a doctor down against his will and treat Alec by yourself, that’s all you could come up with? Are you serious? Do you have any idea how bad this situation could’ve been? They could send you to jail or cancel your license. You could’ve lost all the credibility.” Cat crossed her arms in front of her while berating Michael who just stared at her still unfazed.

“And what was your idea?” Michael seemed uninterested though.

“Simply pull off the sticker.”

“What?” Michael couldn’t believe what he heard.

“Yes. We could’ve just simply pull-off the sticker and let them treat him. There’s no security camera inside the room. So if Alec would ever press charge for violating DNR rule, it’d be against the hospital. You didn’t need to endanger your whole career for that, you…” Cat bit her tongue. Michael stared at her wide-eyed before he gave into a soft chuckle.

“Well, then I guess I am an idiot.” Michael smirked for the first time in hours.

“Yes, you are. You definitely are.” Cat pursed her lips. “It’s no-brain to take matters in your hand like that, without thinking of the consequences. But how do you think Alec is? Did it work?”

“It did, I think.” Michael looked down at his feet, “If it didn’t then they’d probably tell us by now, right?” he looked up at Cat, “I think Kiddo is alive and doing okay. And even if he’s not, they don’t have any valid reason anymore to treat him as DNRP. They’ll give him proper treatment.” Michael slightly looked up at Magnus who rose to walk at him.

Magnus took Michael by surprise when he knelt down before him and took his hands. He laid his head on his hands, “Thank you, Michael. I’ll always be indebted to you. I owe you my life.”

Michael brought one hand out to pat on Magnus’s head, “He’s my brother, Magnus. He’s my Kiddo. He saved Jace. I owe him too. And I’ll pay him back with however I can. Thank you for bringing me back to my sense.” He placed a small kiss on top of his head. “You’re my brother too, Magnus. Once I ignored you, hurt you. I didn’t take Alec’s love for you into account. I wasn’t gonna make that same mistake again.”

Magnus suddenly rose and hugged Michael. Through the corner of his eyes, Michael saw Izzy and Jace suffering too. He called them closer with a hand gesture. Michael and Magnus got up to their feet and they all hugged Michael. He felt like a real big brother. Finally having a sense of true family and home warmed his soul.

“Let’s get back to story then. We need to carry that on.” Val chirped with a clap after Magnus was done hugging him too.

“Yes. Where did we leave?” Magnus frowned.

“I think it was Izzy’s question, how the fire is related.” Cat reminded them.

“Oh… yeah… the fire… you wanna take this part, Val?” Michael asked.

“Err… if you say so…” Val sat on the bed, Magnus at one side and Izzy on the other. Michael and Cat took the chairs. Ragnor and Jace shared the couch after dragging it closer to the bed.

 

“So obviously it wasn’t an oven explosion,” Val started, “Like Robert hoped it’d pose as. When Robert told Alec that he had appointed someone, he wasn’t lying. He did appoint someone, but not to kidnap Max. That man had a completely different mission that night.”

“Who was he?” Jace couldn’t stop himself from asking. Both siblings finally got a bit easier with Val.

“You know him, Jace. He was Robert’s friend, Hodge Starkweather.”

“What?” Jace and Izzy sputtered at the same time. “Wait, wasn’t he a police officer?” Jace frowned.

“A corrupted one, I must say. Robert’s real confession brought him down as well. He’s the one who altered Rosa’s autopsy report and the phone’s call list.”

“That bastard… I never liked him.” Jace muttered to himself holding Izzy’s hand.

“Anyway, Hodge was there that night at the Lightwood Mansion. He actually tailed after Gus and Rosa. Now he didn’t know Max was inside the house. Alec didn’t tell Robert either. Hodge was there to check that Alec completed the tampering of the car. Otherwise, Hodge needed to finish that. Now Robert being the twisted psycho he was, he told Hodge to finish off Alec but make it look like an accident.” Val paused for a moment to let the information sink. Magnus was so badly fidgeting that Michael had to hold his hand.

“When Alec came out of the house to work on the car, Hodge sneaked in and cut the gas pipeline. He didn’t see Max with Gus and Rosa in the drawing room. Alec never saw him and neither had he recognized the gas smell. It was too early to smell something. After Gus and Rosa left, Hodge waited for a couple of minutes for Alec to get into the kitchen. Then he just threw in a lightened match with a whole box through the open window. But it was Max in the kitchen. Hodge didn’t exactly notice the silhouette. He was in hurry to chase after Gus and Rosa, to see how they ended up. The match connected the second it got in touch with the gas. All of it was to kill Alec.”

“Why? Why did he want to kill Alec? Alec did everything he asked him to do… then why?” Izzy barely got the question out. They were in shock.

“Part of it because Robert didn’t want Alec to go to police ever,” Val couldn’t look at any of them. It was too painful to see the shocked expression of Jace, Izzy and Magnus. “He didn’t want to leave any witness. But part of it was also because he still believed Alec was a sinner for being gay, that Alec deserved it. He was ashamed of Alec and his choices. That’s why he didn’t even hesitate to put Max’s death on Alec’s conscious.”

 

**107 – The Story part 4**

“He blamed Alec?” Jace’s words were almost a whisper but it echoed through the silence of the room. Val managed to render everybody stunned, especially Jace and Izzy. Listening to the previous part, Magnus didn’t have any hope about Robert. Even though Val didn’t let him hear the original confession, Magnus knew some part of it.

Magnus knew why Robert killed his parents. It didn’t make sense why he did that but he knew how. He knew about Alec, but not exactly him. Magnus didn’t want to hear any twisted story of Robert. But sitting there in that room with everyone and away from Alec, made Magnus think, what if he had heard the whole confession? Would he recognize Alec just like Alec recognized him? Would he still fall in love with him?

Suddenly it all made sense why Michael was so against of him being with Alec. Suddenly Magnus was sure that he can love Alec with his past. In that circumstance, though it made easier for Magnus to accept Alec, even more, knowing that Alec was just a victim. Magnus looked at the pale faces of Jace and Izzy and shuddered to think what they must’ve been through, living all those years with Robert under the same roof. He had the urge to get up and hug them close. He wanted to tell them that he’d help them to win Alec back. But he also understood that he himself has a long way ahead, to get Alec back to himself.

He was brought back by another whisper of Jace, “I can’t think… how he could blame Alec? He killed Max… How could… why didn’t… they find out? Why did they blame Alec?”

“For that actually, Alec was a bit responsible.” Jace’s eyes stared at Val with confusion, “When the fire spread, Alec was too busy to find Max and get him out. But he passed out when firemen brought him out. He fought them but he wasn’t in a situation to help them. Alec actually blamed himself after losing Max. Seeing Maryse and you two, he was even more broken.” Val looked at Izzy and Jace with a sad expression. “And then Robert didn’t let him attend the funeral, not even let him say goodbye. It broke Alec from inside. He tried to talk to Robert and Robert told him that Max died because he lied to Robert. If he hadn’t lied, then Max would’ve been alive and he would’ve been dead. That Max paid for Alec’s sins, of being gay, being impure and for lying. It was Robert who planted the thought in his head that Max died because of him because he disobeyed Robert. With time and coldness from others, Alec actually started believing it.” Val shook his head as if the memory still pained him.

 

Magnus was lost in his own world. He tried to imagine how 15-year-old Alec looked like, how he took his father’s words and how he must’ve felt that moment. He tried to imagine how Alec managed to accept himself, his sexuality even after such traumatic experience at so early stage of his life.

Was that the reason why Alec never had any proper relationships but only partners to satisfy his desire?

Was that the reason Alec and his first time was so wrong yet so right?

Was that the reason Alec always abstained himself from taking the next step with Magnus with love?

Was that the reason Alec wanted Magnus to kiss him during the nightmare?

Did it affect Alec so much that he only saw sex as an instrument, a play of desire but not an expression of love?

For the first time, Magnus wondered if Alec was capable to love someone, from heart and soul. Or if he knew what true love means. But then his heart asked another question, why was Alec with him then?

Why Alec shared his home, his only safe place with Magnus?

Why Alec let him in and find out all the ugly sides of him one by one?

Why Alec was scared and ran out that morning?

What is love, if not Alec’s pure fear that Magnus would hate him after finding his truth?

What is love, if not Alec fidgeting about Cat’s acceptance and consider her as Magnus’s family?

What is love, if not losing his sleep, having nightmares, screaming alone in the pillow, living on the street and yet save all the pictures and mementos of his siblings?

What is love?

 

Magnus was again pulled out of his thoughts, this time by Izzy’s crying. Jace tried to console her as much as possible but Magnus couldn’t stop himself anymore. They are Alec’s siblings. Magnus accepted them as an extension of his family, like Val, Cat, Ragnor, Michael, Lydia and Madzie. There’s no shame in consoling Jace and Izzy. If they’d accept, Magnus was ready to have them as his siblings as well. So he went to Izzy and stood in front of her. He gave her a moment to understand his offer.

Izzy didn’t disappoint him. She grabbed the front of his t-shirt and pulled him closer so she could bury her face in his chest. Magnus knew it wasn’t a moment of happiness, but he still felt it as he wrapped his arms around her shoulder and let her cry. Jace bowed down to not show his tears but Magnus knew he needed a hug too. So he moved somewhat and placed one hand on Jace’s shoulder. The blond man looked up with his heterochromatic eyes. His lips quivered but didn’t say anything. Magnus knew that Jace was just grateful but unable to say. Magnus was happy to be there for them.

 

**108 – The Story part 5**

“Alec was shocked when police came to arrest him for the murder of Gus and Rosa. He blamed himself again. He knew he could’ve stopped it, he could’ve saved them. Instead, he fell for Robert’s trick. They took him to the police station and interrogated him like a criminal. But he didn’t say a word. He didn’t ask for a lawyer. He just asked for his dad. Again with Hodge’s help, Robert paid his bail worrying Alec would start talking. Alec found out Max’s death wasn’t an accident but sabotage when they asked him about that in the police station. Alec needed time to process that. The day he went home was the same day he probably tried to talk to Maryse and you both.” Val looked at Jace and Izzy.

“But something went wrong, right? Alec left home the morning after that isn’t it?” Val asked the siblings who only nodded.

“Alec came home and all of us were angry. Cops told us that he killed Max. Obviously, we knew nothing. And Robert told us that Max would’ve been alive if he was at his friend’s place, that Alec should’ve let him go. We didn’t know that Max didn’t want to go. We believed him. And so we ended up blaming Alec.” Jace muttered looking down at his shoes.

“You didn’t just blame Alec for Max, Jacey,” Michael spoke for the first time in a long time. Jace looked up astonished.  

Michael shook his head before talking again. He didn’t want to face Jace like that. “You blamed him for Cecile and Stephen.” Jace looked even more shocked to that. “How did you even find out about the accident?” Jace looked at him questioningly. Michael took a breath.

“Right after their accident when I talked to Alec for the last time, he was 9. That kid promised me that he’d take care of you no matter what. We both knew you didn’t remember much because you were in shock. Alec helped you to suppress your memories, which at that time was the right thing to do because we needed you to be better, mentally and emotionally. That kid knew how to handle you and he did so, with his love and friendship. He never differentiated between you and Izzy or Max. Rather you were more to him than Izzy and Max. He slept with you every night because you had trouble sleeping. He wouldn’t eat without you. He protected you everywhere, however, he could. And then you went and blamed him for surviving that accident. How? How could you do that to him?” Michael rubbed his face with his palm, his eyes were burning with tears but he didn’t want to show it to Jace. He knew Jace wouldn’t be able to see him like that.

Jace needed a moment to process that. Of course, it always bothered him that he didn’t remember much from the time with his parents. He asked Alec so many times and Alec would just reassure him that he’d help him to remember everything in right time, that he remembered everything for Jace. “Robert told me.” Jace whispered and Michael couldn’t keep the shock away from his face anymore.

“What?” Michael spat with every ounce of disgust he could muster against Robert.

“It was, I think, a week or so before Max’s death. Robert had called me in his study and asked me what I remembered about my parents. I told him I didn’t remember much. Then Robert told me about the accident, that Alec was in the car and he came out of it without a single scratch. That if it wasn’t to protect Alec… my parents… would still…” Jace couldn’t finish the sentence. He realized what kind of manipulating lie it was. Robert had told him about the accident on that day with a sole purpose of infuriating him against Alec. And it worked so perfectly that Jace hated himself for that even after more than a decade.

“Jacey… Alec was mentally scarred after that accident. He loved Stephen and Cecile a lot. Robert manipulated you about it.” Michael whispered to himself more than to Jace who was crying in his hands. Michael reached out to him when he heard the sobbing. He had to console Jace. Of course, he’d never hurt Alec in his right mind, they are parabatai, they are bound by the oath.

“I’m so sorry, Michael. I didn’t know. I believed Robert. I doubted Alec because he wouldn’t tell me. I didn’t know. I never meant to blame him. I’m so sorry.” Jace was really breaking down. So Michael hugged him closer, resting his chin on Jace’s head.

“Shh… shh… It is gonna be okay, Jacey… You can apologize to Alec when he wakes up, okay? He missed you a lot, he missed both of you. He could never forgive himself for taking Robert’s deal and leave you two with him, there. Alec just wanted to protect you.” Michael tried his best to calm Jace.

“Will he, Michael? Will he wake up? Will I get a chance to say sorry? Will I be able to tell him that I missed him too, I missed my parabatai? Will he listen to me? Will he forgive me?” Jace hid his face in Michael’s chest again, “I missed him too, Michael. I need him to come back to us. I’ll take it if he’s angry with us or if he doesn’t talk to us anymore. I just need to tell him that I’m sorry, that we are sorry and we’ll pay with our lives if he needs us to. I need my brother back.” Jace muffled his sobbing and chocking words in Michael’s arms. Izzy wasn’t any better. Her tears started anew with Jace’s words and she tried to find her console in Magnus’s arms. Michael and Magnus only looked at each other, a silent conversation passing between them, both understanding very well that more than anyone else, Jace and Izzy need Alec the most. And probably Alec too needs his siblings more than ever.

The door opened without any knock, “Hey guys, the cop told us we’d find you all here.” A cheery voice with a head popped through the door and peered in. Simon hesitantly stepped in when he registered the condition of the people in the room. Clary walked in behind him. Her eyes found Jace instantly as Simon’s met with Izzy’s.

 

**109 – Meet the family, everyone**

Izzy didn’t waste a moment to leap out of Magnus’s hold and jump into Simon’s. He held her close, stroking her hair and looked up at Magnus questioningly. On the other hand, Jace kept staring at Clary as she stepped closer to him. Michael noticed Jace’s rigid body language. But Clary stood in front of him and smiled. And that’s all it took for Jace to break down again in her arms. Michael turned his face away. He himself was on the verge. Magnus though noticed it and held his shoulder. Michael only shook his head stopping him from giving him another hug.

“So should I give you the news now or do you need to cry more?” Simon spoke softly to Izzy.

“Not now Si, please,” She sniffed.

“You don’t wanna know how Alec is doing?”

Izzy’s head shot up to Simon who just smiled with a nod. Everyone else was also looking at him.

“Clary and I just met his doctor before coming here. They said Alec is doing quite well. They’re ready to bring him back from coma. Probably he’s ready to breathe on his own…” Simon frowned in his usual way, “I don’t what that means.”

“It means they’re ready to take him off the life support machine. He’ll probably still be in ventilation for a few days. But it means he’s…” Michael had started babbling without realizing and looked at Magnus. Their eyes met and Michael finally smiled, truly, “He’s out of danger, Magnus… Kiddo is coming home.”

Magnus needed a moment to process the words. Alec was well, safe and sound. And hopefully ready to come back. Magnus felt a slight rush through his veins. Happiness and fear ran simultaneously through his body.

“Shall we go there and wait for him?” Simon looked to Michael.

“Yes… yes… we should go there…” Michael smiled brightly at Jace, Izzy and Magnus. But his smile faded as soon as he saw Izzy and Jace exchanging glances. “What?” he asked Jace, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing…” Izzy murmured.

“It’s not “nothing”. Tell me.” Michael urged. Jace and Izzy shared another look.

“Well…” Jace finally started while stepping away from Clary a bit. Izzy mirrored his actions. They were staring at Michael who felt a bit weird. Jace took Clary’s hand and Izzy took Simon’s. And those two were confused like Michael. “Michael… I want you to meet my saving grace, the one who helped me survive since Robert’s arrest, who’s been my constant since we found out a lot more than we… you know…” Jace gave a pleading look to Michael who looked even more confused.

Jace stood in front of Michael with Clary by his side, “Michael, this is Clary, Clarissa Fairchild, the love of my life.” Jace was blushing red. Michael looked shocked as he understood what exactly Jace was doing, “Clary… this is Michael… Michael Wayland. My mom’s brother, you know, my uncle, my own family.” Jace sounded a bit proud as he explained it to Clary who looked as shocked as Michael.

“Your uncle? Cecile’s brother?” was only thing Clary could manage to say before she looked at him. Michael gave a smile and Clary hugged him. Michael internally rolled his eyes about all the hugging he was getting but he was also happy to see Jace found his love, his anchor too and that his family was getting bigger than he ever imagined. He was happy about Jace and Clary.

“So you’re the redhead Alec tried to save from the muggers,” Michael said and instantly he realized it came out wrong. “No… no… I’m happy he did… I’m glad you’re safe… And I’m guessing Alec knew you too.” Michael explained as Clary’s face darkened by the previous comment.

“Yes, Alec and I met a couple of times before that night. We met in front of the studio, you know…” Clary turned to Jace.

“The studio? The yoga studio?” Jace was confused.

“Yes… I don’t know though why he was there. But he knew about you. I once told him that my boyfriend was coming to pick me when he offered to drop me home. And before that, he had seen me with Simon in Pandemonium.” Clary explained.

“Wait… did he see me there? At the studio?” Jace was bewildered.

“I think so.” Clary frowned.

“So he had seen me before…” Jace half muttered to himself. Michael understood what he was meaning.

“Of course he saw you before. You even walked past him the night Clary was attacked in the alley. Alec kept an eye on both of you through Facebook and all since he came back to the city. He cried in happiness after finding out both of your old graduation pictures. He was so proud of you two that day.” Michael noticed Jace paling at the words, “He never stopped looking out for you two.”

“The studio… Alec isn’t into yoga if anyone’s wondering.” Magnus said smiling. He tried to lighten the mood as Jace looked like breaking in tears again. He snorted at the comment. “There’s music studio there. Alec used to work there as a part-time singer for commercial jingles. He’s a singer.” Magnus said with a proud feeling that nobody knew about it except him and Michael. Or so he thought before Izzy spoke.

“Of course he took a job of a singer. He used to sing to all of us. Especially to Jace, after his parents’ death when he’d have trouble sleeping. And to Max when he was a baby. Alec had a beautiful voice and eclectic choice. He’d sing Michael Jackson to baby Max.” Izzy smiled ruefully at the memory.

“Yeah… he used to sing Jon Bon Jovi to me. My favorite was ‘Stand by me’.” Jace smiled too and Magnus couldn’t feel bad anymore. Their memories were too strong to make him feel bad that he was the only one who hadn’t seen Alec sing live, that Alec never sang anything to him.

 

**110 – Them being them**

An hour later everybody was packed in Alec’s room again. This time Simon and Clary were there too. Ragnor and Cat excused themselves as there was nothing for them to do. Before leaving, Ragnor and Jace had a talk about the charges against him. They finished the procedure in the presence of authority. Jace even apologized to the doctor. It worked. Jace hugged Ragnor and said thanks before they left. Magnus and cat had a different talk in the meantime.

“Cat… I don’t know what to say. I’m sorry.”

“Magnus are you kidding me! In a situation like this, how could you think Rag or I would abandon you or be angry with about the engagement party?”

“But still… I promised you.”

“And you didn’t break the promise. Shit just happened, Magnus. It wasn’t in your hand. And as for the party, Rag already canceled it.”

“What? Why?”

“I guess just like me he didn’t wanna do this without you there or without your suit. Raph helped us to send the message to everybody. We’ll now send the wedding invitations. The date was already set; the party was just a formality. So it won’t be an issue. Only close friends and immediate family were invited in the party. They would understand a family emergency, Magnus. You don’t have to worry about that. Take care of Alec and yourself. He promised to find me my wedding wine. I wasn’t gonna do this without him.”

Magnus was slightly taken aback to see how much his friends were fond of Alec, how much they accepted him as their close one. It made him emotional. “Thank you, Cat. I owe you a dress now too.”

“You owe me two dresses, one for the ceremony and one for after party. But that’s not the point now. Stay with Alec, be there for him. It will be a long recovery for him. And not just physically, mentally and emotionally as well. He’s gonna need you a lot more than you think, Mags. Just have patience okay? We’ll always be here for you.”

Magnus didn’t have any reply to that. So he just did what he could do. He hugged Cat before Ragnor pulled both of them in a bigger hug.

“We are here for you, Mags, just one call away. Take care of yourself.” Ragnor said before leaving and Magnus only nodded. He was more than grateful to have friends like them.

Val looked around the room and caught Michael’s eyes doing the same. Jace and Izzy relaxed a lot since Clary and Simon came. Magnus wasn’t looking so much flushed anymore as before. He, though still sat on the chair beside the bed and held Alec’s hand.

“I don’t think Alec will wake up tonight.” Michael said checking Alec’s vitals.

“What? Why?” Magnus panicked instantly.

“There’s nothing to worry about, Magnus. It’s all good. But Alec needs time to wake up.”

“Oh… what do we do then now?”

“How about we carry on with the story?” Val spoke after a long time. “I mean, we started it without Alec. I don’t think he’d like to wake up with us talking about it. So it is better we finish it while he’s still sleeping.”

“Sounds like a plan. Gather around then.” Michael took the other chair and everybody settled on couch and table like before.

“Where were we then?” Michael again lost track.

“Actually, before that…” Izzy looked around with a tight smile, “Michael, I want to introduce you with Simon, my boyfriend.” Michael and Simon simultaneously looked up at Izzy with a confused expression. “Michael is Jace’s own uncle, means he’s a family for me too. And then he took care of Alec for all these years. Alec considers him as a brother. Michael risked his life for Alec. So it’s the least I can do. We don’t have anyone above us a guardian anymore, you know. Mom is there but I don’t know how she’d react if we get them to meet her or if she’d react anything and not look away like we don’t even exist.” Her voice caught up. Michael frowned as he still didn’t know what happened to Maryse. Jace nodded agreeing. “So Michael is like the elder for us, our guardian, our family. If I have to introduce my boyfriend to someone, I’d like it to be Michael.”

Michael tried to smile but a teardrop slipped down the corner of his eyes. His heart was swelling with the feeling of respect Izzy gave him. He never expected any of this. But it felt good, really good.

“So do I have to call you Sir now? I mean they consider you like an uncle or something. So does that make you my unc…” Simon started.

“No… Don’t.” Michael showed his palm suddenly, “No more uncle, please.” He groaned and everybody laughed, “Please guys, I’m not that old. I maybe Jace’s uncle by relation but I’d rather be your brother. Alec considers so. And he’s just 10 years younger than me.” Michael laughed too like everyone else.

“Oh, okay… that’s good to know. I’m Simon Lewis by the way. I used to work with Alec in Pandemonium.” Simon offered his hand to Michael but he got pulled in a hug. “Oh good… this works too.” Simon was being himself, chirpy and funny.

“I know. Alec told me about you. But I don’t think he knew about you as Izzy’s boyfriend. He would’ve done a background search on you.” Michael kept a straight face.

“Background search?” Simon was wide-eyed.

“Alec would never do that.” Izzy shook his head

“Did he do one on me?” Clary was wide-eyed too.

“I did it,” Jace muttered finally grabbing all the attention. “What? Of course, I did. She’s my sister. I have to know who she’s being with. Alec would’ve done the same.”

“No, he wouldn’t. He’d trust me.” Izzy spat back.

“Gosh, I was joking.” Michael looked at them bewildered, “Alec kept an eye on you two for years but never invaded your personal life. And he knew Simon from work. Even if he knew his relationship with Izzy, I don’t think he’d go for a background search or something.”

“Exactly, thank you.” Magnus gazed at Izzy, finally being her normal self.

“You did a background search on me?” Simon was still shocked apparently, “Why on earth would you do that? You know me for years… We went to the same high school together, all 4 of us.”

“My background search was having a nice evening with a cup of coffee and homemade coconut cookies with your mum because you went missing with Clary on a stupid music concert without telling me. I was worried. Happy?” And Jace was being his usual self too.

Magnus chuckled lightly seeing them. Michael was watching the same thing too as Clary got in between those three and separated them. They both looked at Alec at the same moment, both thinking the same thing, how Alec would’ve loved to see them like that.

 

**111 – The Story part 6**

“Okay, okay guys… now let’s come back to the story. We have tonight only to do this.” Michael’s voice cut through the bickering of Jace and Simon. They all settled in. For a moment, they all had forgotten Val in the room who sat at a corner looking at all of them. “Where were we on the story?”

“The night before Alec left home.” Val’s voice reminded them of his presence.

“Right… you said Alec had a deal with Robert?” Jace asked Val.

“The night when you blamed Alec for your parents’ accident, I think Izzy was also provoked to blame Alec, for Max.” Val started.

“He told me exactly what he told Alec. That Max would’ve been alive if Alec hadn’t lied to him if he had sent Max to his friend’s party. That Max paid for Alec’s sins.” Izzy’s smile was gone.

“And you ended up calling him a monster when you heard Jace blaming him. You iterated what Robert put in your head.” Izzy sniffed but Val carried on, “No Izzy, it wasn’t your fault. Both of you were kids and Robert used every single thing he could, to his advantage. Maryse’s silence, your innocence, Alec’s choices, even Max’s death. At that moment everything worked in his favor. It wasn’t your fault.”

“So what was the deal?” Magnus finally asked. “What did Robert do to him?” Magnus softly stroked at Alec’s hand with his fingers but his voice was deathly stern.

“Basically Robert wanted Alec dead for all the safety issues. But he couldn’t say that to Alec or do it directly. But Alec had already somehow understood that Robert had planned to kill him. Alec didn’t want to die or rot in jail for things he hadn’t done willingly. He was still worried about Jace and Izzy, even more realizing what happened to Max. Robert told him that he’d testify against Alec and make sure he’d go to jail. Alec knew if he’d start talking, Robert would be in danger. But putting Robert in danger wasn’t a solution. Jace and Izzy would’ve been torn in that battle and Alec didn’t want that. He didn’t want them to suffer in Robert’s dirty secrets.” Val looked around to see the confusion on everyone’s face. Clary and Simon though looked like their eyes would pop out of their heads.

“That was the one time Alec proved to be Robert’s son. He made a deal with Robert – by which Robert would never ever touch a single hair on Jace and Izzy and they will never know the truth. And for that Robert will be able to give false testimony about Alec’s death. Everybody will know that Alec Lightwood died because he couldn’t live with the death of his little brother in his hands. Alec put this clause to make sure police wouldn’t come after him. He also was smart enough to get it all in writing. But obviously, it wasn’t legal papers. Robert still feared Alec’s possessiveness for his siblings. If anything Robert was sure about Alec was that he can go to any length to protect Jace and Izzy, especially after what happened to Max.” Val took a moment to breathe and saw Magnus’s jaws clenching tight again. Jace and Izzy were staring at him bewildered.

“And so Alec was free to go. That was only a one-time father and son trusted each other. Alec didn’t want Jace and Izzy to find out the ugly side of their dad, a man they loved so much and looked up to and Robert knew that. Even though Alec was worried if Robert would keep his word or not, he had to take that risk. It was better than rotting in jail. He didn’t want to live with the guilt that if something ever happened to Jace or Izzy, he’d be able to do nothing. In this way, at least he was out; at least he’d be able to look out for his siblings.”

“It was all Alec’s idea?” Izzy still had trouble to believe.

“Yes. He left home so that he wouldn’t go to jail and if anything ever happened he’d able to be there for both of you.”

“That’s… That’s… ridiculous…” Izzy stuttered.

“To him, this seemed the best idea.” Val shrugged.

“So basically Alec left everything, us, mom, home, his life, career and all so that he could look out for us?” Jace spoke as if he was talking to himself, “What the hell!”

Obviously, Jace and Izzy were infuriated but their emotions were all over the place. _Alec would’ve been happy to know that Robert did keep his words, after all_ , Val thought.

“It isn’t ridiculous at all, Jace. It seems quite logical.” Magnus’s eyes were still on Alec. He tried to imagine how helpless Alec must’ve felt while doing all these. “Imagine how he felt while taking the decision of giving up his whole life and taking the risk that a monster like Robert would stick to his words and his siblings would be safe forever. Knowing Alec, it seems something only he would do.”

Magnus didn’t even realize when he started saying things out loud. He thought he was talking to Alec in his head, “You went to every length to keep me away from you. Ignoring me for years, hurting and rejecting me repeatedly when I expressed my love, hurting yourself in that accident because you hurt me that night, posing Michael as your husband, staying away for months like you didn’t even exist… You did it all to protect me. You were worried that I’d hate myself if I ever found out that I fell in love with my parents’ killer. You didn’t worry I’d hate you. And then saving Clary from muggers, then also you were saving Jace.”

Jace, Izzy and others stared at him while he kept whispering. Magnus still didn’t notice what he was doing, “All of it was one way or other to protect your loved ones even though you ended up hurting us sometimes. And yet, it seems so logical from your point of view. You repeatedly hurt yourself because of your lack of self-confidence, because nobody ever taught you to love yourself. You never forgot Jace’s or Izzy’s or your mother’s last words to you. I heard you so many times talking in your dreams. You still keep saying those words over and over as if you truly believe them. When you left home, even then you knew your family, your mom and your siblings hated you. So why not, why not save yourself and stay away from all them to whom you couldn’t bring happiness? Why not give them peace by leaving them? Isn’t it Alec, isn’t what you thought?”

Magnus had his chin propped up on his and Alec’s entwined hands. A single tear slid down the corner of his eyes as he tilted his head to the side to look at Alec’s face properly “It makes sense to me, Alec, it all makes sense to me.”

Izzy, Jace, Michael and Val had tears marring their faces. Magnus never commented much through the whole story. They had never thought how Magnus felt. They thought it was their story and a teenage Magnus was just affected in between a battle of a father and son and lost his parents. They didn’t realize how much Magnus was a part of Alec’s life and Alec was Magnus’s.

 

**112 – The Story part 7**

“Magnus,” Michael got up from his chair and stood behind Magnus, “Are you okay, Kiddo?” Magnus turned to look at him, red-rimmed eyes. But he wasn’t crying. It looked like he couldn’t even cry anymore. Michael bent down to be at the same level as Magnus, “Hey, it’s okay, Kiddo. It’s okay. It’ll be fine. Alec will be fine. Alec will be fine. You both will survive, together.” It was somewhat calming for both of them - Michael being able to call someone ‘Kiddo’ other than Alec and Magnus being called ‘Kiddo’. Magnus felt like Michael had stopped differentiating between Alec and him.

Magnus gazed at Michael for a moment before leaping at him. Michael wrapped his arms around Magnus’s drooped shoulder. He could feel Magnus was shaking lightly. So he settled for stroking Magnus’s hair. “Shh. Shh. Shh. Calm down, calm down. Alec is fine. He is fine.”

“I… I… I can’t… Michael… I can’t…” Magnus murmured in Michael’s chest. “I can’t…”

“I know. I know, Kiddo. I know. But you have to be strong. You have to be strong for yourself, not only for Alec. Have patience. He’ll come around. We’ll make him see.” Michael let Magnus hold him tighter. It was evident Magnus was scared.

“I can’t… do this… alone.” Magnus sobbed.

“And you won’t. I won’t let you go through this alone, Magnus. I am here. You have Val, your friends. You’re not alone. Alec is not alone anymore. He has Jace, Izzy, you, me, all of us. We will be there for him, together. We all will help him, Magnus. Please don’t think you’re alone. You’re never alone. You have all of us.”

Magnus shook lightly again when Michael looked upward to stop himself from another breakdown.

“Look at them Magnus, look at Jace and Izzy.” Jace was continuously rubbing his temple as if he’s got a bad headache. His pale skin was getting redder as he kept rubbing. Izzy had leaned her head on Jace’s shoulder. Tears escaped the corner of her eyes wetting Jace’s shirt. “You feel bad, you feel guilty even when you didn’t do anything, you couldn’t help Alec then in any way. Think about them. Think about how they must be feeling. They thought it was the end when Robert was arrested. But it never seems to end for them.” They looked at the siblings who were lost in their world of pain. “We have to be there for them Magnus, they need us too. They don’t have anyone else. Don’t beat yourself up, Magnus, you couldn’t do anything.”

“Can we continue with the story please?” Jace sniffed when he realized they were staring at him and Izzy.

“Yes, sure,” Michael said before sitting back in his chair again. “What happened after Alec left home? Does anybody know about that? I mean, I thought he went off the grid.”

“As Magnus said before, I was obsessed with the case.” Val started, “I needed to know why, how and what happened exactly. Why my best friends needed to die. I was worried about Magnus but that boy was actually stronger than me. Together we found out that a teenager boy, the one they said did everything, can’t be the one who actually did everything. We understood it was a quite elaborated plan. Magnus helped me to present my theory to the police. But as usual, they dismissed me because it only was a theory. I didn’t have any solid evidence. I had no idea who was the real brain behind it. And then all of a sudden they closed the case because the boy died. They told us it was a suicide. Magnus and I were raging. We knew it didn’t fit. And then Robert came out and said his son - the killer - killed himself because his other son died in the process, that his son couldn’t live with the death of his brother. It seemed quite legit but that still was bullshit.” Val’s face was red in anger. “Magnus gave up on the case soon after that. The obsession was just only making things worse for us. We both needed to move on.”

“So when Val got chance in FBI academy, I told him to go. That was our moment to put everything in behind and find our own life.” Magnus started, “Val took the chance and moved to Washington and I moved in with Ragnor and his family. In the meantime, using my inability to take over dad’s business, Robert used the deal Maryse made with dad. He took over Bane Inc. and I was left with nothing.”

Magnus had his eyes fixed on Alec and holding Alec’s hand while talking. “If only I had any idea that it could’ve been Robert. Even when he took over the business, I didn’t realize Robert was benefitted the most from everything. That was when actually Robert took the company in his hands from Maryse, I think.”

“And that’s when Mom became sick.” Jace spoke so suddenly that most of them jumped at his voice, “It fits, Iz… it absolutely fits.”

“What? You mean… since then…” Izzy’s expression changed quite rapidly from confusion to realization, “Since then…”

“Since then, Izzy, it has to be. Remember the first time mom became sick? It was right after police closed the case.” Jace was wide-eyed with shock.

“And then she just deteriorated.” Izzy matched her brother’s expression.

“She never recovered. Robert did it all on purpose. Mom was the only person who must’ve had an inkling to what actually happened…”

“And he drove her crazy…”

“He was so ready to put mom in rehab…”

“And never bring her back home…”

“He destroyed mom…”

“Oh my God…”

Jace and Izzy were just finishing each other’s lines in such a way that others only kept staring between them.

“Wait… what do you mean Robert destroyed her?” Michael was just hoping that he was wrong about how he understood their conversation.

 

**113 – The Story part 8**

Jace and Izzy snapped their heads at him, both clearly shocked and mortified. “Later, Michael. Let Magnus and Val finish their part first. Iz and I will explain later.” Jace said before settling down again. Others gave them a frowning look when Izzy nodded her head in affirmation.

“Well…” Magnus started again, “As I was saying, I lost not only the financial support from the company but also my house and all. So I permanently moved in with the Fells until I earned enough to start my own fashion line.” And Magnus just concluded his story, “I just never knew about the Lightwood family in details. Maybe because I never wanted to know. I didn’t try to find out Alec’s name or the name of the kid who died in the fire that night or who else was left behind. I was just focused on finding what happened to mum and dad. Maybe I could’ve done more if I tried to find about him…” Magnus looked back at Alec, “… and other things.”

“It wasn’t your fault, Magnus.” Val spoke softly, “I was a police officer then. I should’ve thought about those instead of focusing on Gus and Rosa. I should’ve tried to find more. You were just helping me with the information I got. It was my fault.”

“It was nobody’s fault.” Michael bellowed, “Now both of you…” he dramatically gave a look to Val and Magnus, “… stop blaming yourselves. It wasn’t anyone’s fault except Robert’s.” Michael showed his index finger at Jace who was about to say something, “It wasn’t your fault, Jace and neither Izzy’s. Both of you were kids. It wasn’t your fault for, however, you reacted.” By the look on Jace and Izzy, Michael was sure he was right when he stopped Jace thinking he was about to blame himself and Izzy. “Both of you were manipulated.” Michael turned to everyone, “It can’t be your fault. Alec would neither blame any of you nor would let any of you blame yourselves. So just stop with the blame, okay? It was Robert and it always will be Robert, nobody else.”

Jace, Izzy, Val, Magnus, Clary and Simon - 6 pairs of eyes stared at Michael as if he had stunned them. But soon Val broke into a small smile, followed by Magnus and others. It didn’t end in howling laughter but all were smiling softly.

“Well, if I hadn’t heard it, I wouldn’t know Jace’s uncle is such a good motivational speaker. I’m touched, to the least.” Simon chuckled trying to tone down the environment. Magnus, Izzy, Clary and Val broke into soft laughter. Only Jace and Michael were scowling at him. But soon Michael gave in too, shaking his head in despair at Simon’s absurd timing of pulling jokes.

“You got a good one here, Isabelle. I’m proud of you.” Michael was still smiling to himself but Izzy stared at him blankly. She thought how many times she imagined her dad or mom saying something like that for Simon, how many times she sought their approval and ended up hurting Simon for that. Instead, she got Jace’s long lost uncle who welcomed them open arms like he was waiting for them and appreciated Simon like his own family. Izzy was really touched. So she did what he wanted to do since she saw Jace doing it. She stood up, straightened herself and went to hug Michael who took a moment to understand the situation. But soon Michael’s long arms were wrapped around Izzy’s small figure and she broke into another set of tears, of happiness, of finding a new family.

“Iz, just calm down and let Val finish the story please.” Jace grumbled from behind.

“Okay… okay…” she shuffled back, hesitating but Michael didn’t let her go and smiled to her to say that she’s always welcomed. Izzy smiled back.

“Yeah, so…” Val took the cue, “While Magnus tried to find a life with the Fells, I was still stuck in the past. I couldn’t let that case go. Lydia was my student at the police academy before she dropped out after a bad injury. Instead, she got a job in social security and child protection. She started to work with kids on the street. 3 years had passed since the accident and Lydia knew about it. She found out being how tenacious she is.” Val and Michael chuckled at the same moment, “She knew about the incident and my absurd belief that Alec wasn’t dead. I don’t know why but I always had a feeling that Alec didn’t die, at least not when Robert had said. I knew something bad happened to him, sure but I refused to believe him dead. I still don’t know why.” Val frowned at the thought.

“So on this one typical bad morning of Boston, Lydia called and asked me to meet her immediately. She didn’t say why. She took me to the place where she had started her new project. She took me to a boy she had met a few days before and barely managed to get the name. I was shocked when I saw the pale, scrawny, all limb and bone boy sleeping between dirty blankets with a bag clutched tightly in his arms. Lydia knew she wasn’t wrong just by my expression. She had found Alec in a drug-infested slum.” Val looked at the void as if he could still see that day.

“I knew that if Alec took all the trouble to keep himself hidden then he definitely wouldn’t like to face me, someone from past and someone with authority. I didn’t want Alec to run away again. So I managed to get protection for him when Lydia promised to take care of him. It worked so well. Alec was recovering and opening up to Lydia slowly. I even dared to hope that someday I’d meet Alec and talk to him about what happened. But Lydia talked to Alec about a sponsor and he perked up thinking he’d be able to start studying again. I knew Michael as Lydia’s boyfriend but didn’t know his relationship with Alec.” This time Val looked at Michael, his tone indicated that his story was quite done for the time being.

 

**114 – The Story part 9**

“So I had found Alec’s file from Lydia and when she told me about him, I asked her to fix a meeting. I just wanted to meet Alec and find out what happened, why he was living on the street like that. At first, I was really worried about Jacey but then Alec came for the meeting and the moment he saw me, he ran away. Then I told Lydia everything and we tore through the city to find him. Val found out that Alec was in all over the country and never stayed anywhere for a long time. We were worried Alec left Boston too. With Val’s help, we had people at every train and bus station but still, we were worried Alec would slip through. He managed before so well. Fortunately, one night when I was going home from the hospital, I saw Alec. He was standing over the bridge on the pier, ready to jump. I managed to tackle him down but he passed out before I took him to the hospital.” Michael shuddered at the memory. Jace, Izzy and Magnus blanched.

“It was a rough night. When I saw his medical reports…” Michael was looking a bit flushed, “I just wanted to punch at something.” He sighed, “Back then, I didn’t even understand how someone can be alive in that condition, without any medical help and proper care. He ran away again after he woke up. But then Lyd found him again and took him to my home. When we talked to him, when he trusted me enough, he broke into tears. He continuously apologized for leaving Jace alone. He blamed himself for leaving his mom and Izzy. But he never spoke of what exactly happened until after a year of that.

Most of the nights he’d beat or strangle himself to not cry out Max’s name. And he cried out a lot. Months he’d wake up with different bruises, all over himself before Lyd and I managed to get him to talk about Max. Whenever he tried to suicide, I slapped him. It was the only way to stop him and put him to sleep without medicine.” Michael wrapped his arms around himself as if to control himself from shuddering, “It was one night in my study I found him with an empty syringe. By the look on his face, I knew he had found a quite brilliant way to kill himself. But I didn’t slap him. I was just sad that I couldn’t help him and he broke down. That night he told me what happened to Max. And what everyone told him. He skipped the part about the Banes and told me he left home because he couldn’t give happiness to any of you because he took Max away from you all.” Michael peeked slightly at Magnus remembering what he had said earlier while talking to Alec.

“He was just devastated after that night. But he recovered since he felt he could trust me. He was shocked though when I believed him and didn’t blame him for anything. He started studying again and worked with Lyd. In the meantime, Val informed me about the Banes hoping I’d get information out of him. I refused to talk to Alec about it and help Val because I wanted him to trust me enough to tell that by himself. And then Lyd and he found Madzie. And I knew I needed her in my life because Alec grew really close to her. He actually treated her like he used to treat Jace once. I knew if anyone can stable Alec then, it was Madzie. And then Lyd heard him telling Madz a story, about a prince with the crown of thorns. She was sure the story was about him. So we started to eavesdrop through the door. Madz was the first person Alec talked to about the Banes. Then I knew I had to talk to him.”

“He told you?” Val was bewildered for some reason, “When was it?”

“6 years ago. Remember I asked you to find me Alec’s juvenile records and wipe it from the system, if possible?” Val nodded at Michael, “That’s when Alec agreed to be my brother and keep the name. It was after he told me what he did with the Banes.”

“The same records I found in the box? How did Alec get that?” Magnus questioned.

“I gave it to him after getting it from Val, as a token of reassurance that his records are gone. Alec understood I got it from Val if that’s what you’re asking.” Michael looked at Magnus, “But he didn’t question it. I promised him to never talk about the Banes and he trusted me.”

“You knew it? You knew about everything and you didn’t tell me?” Val suddenly raised his voice accusingly at Michael. “You knew what Robert did and you asked the file from me only. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“No, Val,” Michael shook his head, “No, you got it wrong. Alec never told me the real story. He told me he tampered with the car. He didn’t tell me Robert made him do that. I knew he still wasn’t telling me the whole story and guessing from Madz’s bedtime story was not the ideal way to do it. So I waited again. I didn’t know about Robert until you called me with the news of the arrest.”

“All those years and he never told you about Robert? Not even about the deal?” Val was really wide-eyed with the realization.

“No. Not until I gave him the news. He told us the actual story afterward. It’s still you who found out the truth first, Val.”

“I still don’t know how Val cracked the case.” Magnus muttered under his breath.

“What?” Michael heard it, “You don’t know?”

“Val wanted to tell me but I really had no interest to know anymore. I was happy, with everything, without the hatred to a certain someone, without knowing who and why did what they did.” Magnus sighed heavily.

“Val cracked the case because of us.” Izzy’s voice cut the silence suddenly catching all the eyes to her.

“What?” Michael had to ask even knowing Izzy would continue anyway, “How?”

 

**115 – The Story part 10**

“5 years ago Robert let Jace take over the company. Age was getting to him. He fell sick and Jace took over Lightwood Enterprise. I started helping him every now and then. But mostly Jace worked. He tried to gain back everything we lost over years. Soon we realized the losses were because of Robert. As long as mom had it under her command, we still were in a profitable situation. But since Robert took over, profit was nowhere to be seen. How he managed to keep the company was a million dollar question to us.” Izzy started.

“I started going through all the old documents and legal papers to understand what was wrong with the company. Instead, I started noticing weird patterns.” Jace talked while looking down at the floor, frowning deeply.

“What patterns?” Michael was frowning deeply.

“A lot of money was gone without any reason. A lot of things were missing from the books. A lot of things were in the books that didn’t make sense. There were couples of people to whom Robert paid regularly for some reason and it was quite big amounts. But what actually got to me were the dates. It didn’t match at all.” Jace answered still looking down.

“So he showed them to me.” Izzy started again after putting on hand on her brother’s clasped hands, reassuringly. “I tried to make sense of it but nothing came to me. Simon and Clary were our school friends and they came home every time. Among one of the days when I bailed on Simon, he and Clary came to home unannounced and found Jace and me poring over documents.”

“Reluctantly we asked for their help.” Jace’s knee started to jerk absentmindedly. “Simon and Clary both studied business with us. So it was actually a good idea to let fresh pair of eyes go through the documents.” Clary nodded her head in agreement with Izzy, “We didn’t have much hope but they actually found out things.”

“We found out the problem with dates actually.” Simon piped enthusiastically.

“Yes, they found why the dates didn’t match.” Jace caught up.

“Why? Why didn’t they match?” Michael was frowning too.

“Because they all were imaginary dates. The transactions, the meetings, the deals never happened on the day that said on the documents. All of it was some kind of fraud. And Hodge’s name was everywhere.” Izzy spoke this time.

“Hodge? How was he related to all of it?” Michael knew he was missing something.

“Whoever Robert made deals with were connected with Hodge, one way or other. The deals came through him and he acted as a dealer in between. Robert paid a lot of money to Hodge for bringing those deals. But the clients were mostly drug lords and that sort of people.” Jace hesitated from speaking further. He blanched when Michael’s pointing gaze met his.

“Robert was dealing drugs?” Michael felt like his brain stopped working.

“That’s how he initially got the medicines to make Alec sick and later mom.” Izzy murmured.

“He wasn’t exactly dealing drugs…” Jace hesitated to look at Michael. They all could feel Michael was shocked way too much. Magnus, on the other hand, had a very calm demeanor as if none of it sounded very strange to him. “He was a part of it. He helped Hodge to carry on with his side business of money laundering and all. We weren’t interested later to find out what he exactly dealt in.” he gave a lopsided look at Val.

“That bloody bastard…” Michael clenched his jaw.

“Anyway…” Jace spoke hurriedly to distract Michael, “So when we understood what was happening, we tried to talk to Robert.”

“He sort of went bat shit crazy on us and started saying absurd things that didn’t make much sense at first.” Izzy caught Jace’s sentence.

And Jace caught hers. “Well, it didn’t make much sense until Clary and Simon poked their noses into it again. They made us talk to them and share everything. And that’s when we realized that all of it actually made sense.”

“How?” Michael was clearly exasperating.

“Umm… Well… He actually said something about mom… And then about Alec.” Jace was cowering under Michael’s furious gaze.

“It was the first time in years he mentioned Alec’s name… with clear hatred…” Izzy held her brother’s hands tightly. They sort of felt the need of each other’s comfort.

“And Maryse? What did that swindling son of a bitch do to Maryse?” Michael was literally fuming. His cheeks were bright red as of the tips of his ears.

“He drugged her.” Izzy whispered so low that it wasn’t supposed to be audible if the room wasn’t in pin drop silent.

“What?” Michael croaked. Magnus’s eyes were wide as his grip tightened on Alec’s hand.

“Robert started drugging her since Max’s death. Mom obviously was sure that something was amiss in that whole thing. She knew Alec was paying for something he wasn’t supposed to and she tried to stand up for Alec, for once. She even thought if Alec left home probably he’d be safe from everything. But she couldn’t forgive herself.” Izzy’s voice broke.

“And that bastard drugged mom like she was some test animal, some Guiney pig.” Hatred was evident in Jace’s words, “He drugged her continuously until she lost her mind until she couldn’t talk about anything else but how she failed Alec as a mother, how she was unable to protect her own son. And that bastard…” Jace spat but chocked.

“He sent her to sanitarium…” Izzy finished, “And never brought her back.”

 

**116 – Maryse Lightwood**

The looks on Michael’s and Magnus’s face were something to behold. They were in shock. Izzy looked down trying to wipe a tear as Simon placed an arm over her shoulder. Clary only reached forward and held Jace’s hands. That was a time when the 4 were together. Simon and Clary watched how Jace and Izzy found out about their mother and how lost, betrayed and helpless they had felt. It was the time when the siblings actually realized how much Clary and Simon were important in their lives. Simon was a constant for Izzy when she just wanted to give up and Clary made sure Jace didn’t shut himself too much. It was a slow and methodical process but the siblings were able to fight through all that because of Simon and Clary only. One by one the Lightwood siblings lost everything except their best friends, who didn’t judge them for their father’s crime or abandon them in their worst, who didn’t mock them for their helplessness. Instead, those friends were all the siblings had for comfort.

“Where is she now?” Michael’s whisper cut through the silence.

“She’s in proper care now. Not in the place he had put her to rot. We rescued her and put her through proper treatment.” Jace muttered looking down at Clary’s hands. She felt teardrops on the back of her palm.

“How… how is she?”

“They say she’s gone beyond.” Izzy choked. Magnus and Michael flinched, “She doesn’t recognize us… or Robert… or Max. She only remembers Alec… who is still a 15-year-old to her, the son she couldn’t save.”

Michael only slumped back in his chair. He didn’t even have any energy left to process this let alone consume the news. He closed his eyes and laid his head back as visions from his childhood came to him. Cecile and Maryse playing with the kids in the park. Maryse tried to come whenever possible. Her proud smiles when Alec had started archery. Her support when Jace played soccer. Her cheer when Izzy started to walk on her own. Her hormone raged anger about not being able to drink wine when she was pregnant with Max. A few drops of tears escaped his closed eyes.

Michael couldn’t forget the reassuring smile when he met her last time after they took Jace in. He was thankful to her as well as much as he was thankful to Alec, for saving Jace. It all came crashing down on him. She was a smart, independent, intelligent and beautiful even admirable woman with such a strong personality and Robert destroyed it all with his unbelievably twisted ideas. For millionth time Michael blamed himself for not being there for Alec and Jace. Probably he could’ve done something for Maryse, if not exactly save her.

“Michael…” he sat up at Magnus’s call. Their eyes met. “Don’t… Please… You couldn’t do anything. You didn’t know anything. Please.”

Michael chuckled. Before he was giving others assurance that it wasn’t on them. Now Magnus was giving him the same assurance. It wasn’t on him. “I know.” He muttered before wiping his eyes.

“What happened after you found out about… everything?” Magnus asked this time, figuratively taking Michael’s place as the latter leaned back on his chair again, eyes closed.

“We called Val. We weren’t on in any terms with him after the incident but we remembered how Val wanted to help with everything. He had even come to meet Iz and me once in school to get info on Alec, telling us Alec probably wasn’t dead. He was the only person I could think to inform about our findings.” Jace replied monotonously.

“After we found what happened to mom… we knew that Robert needed to be punished for his doings. We still didn’t know all of it was linked with the murder of Banes and Max’s accident and Alec’s death… well, disappearance.” Izzy continued.

“At that time, we still believed Alec was dead. But anyhow, we contacted Val and he helped to reopen the case with the new findings on Robert. Soon they found dirt on Hodge and he spilled easily. In no time Robert was arrested for not only the murder of the Banes… but also for Max.” Jace said.

“It was a big shock to us knowing the reason behind Max’s accident. It kinda broke us totally when we realized what we had done to Alec.” It didn’t go unnoticed to Magnus that Jace said ‘we’, not ‘he’. It was quite evident how much they blamed themselves. “We still believed Alec was dead. Val never told us the truth.” Izzy gave a glaring look at Val.

“It wasn’t up to me, okay? I talked to Alec after the arrest but he only asked if you two were safe. Michael and I tried to make him understand that there’s no need to hide anymore but he was adamant. Probably because he started to believe what you all told him before he left. He didn’t want to go back in your lives and ruin whatever he thought it’d ruin. It was Alec’s decision to stay away and not let you two know him being alive. I didn’t understand his reason then. I still don’t understand it now.” Val grumbled.

“That brings me to my next question…” Michael sat up again rubbing his eyes and looked at Jace and Izzy, “How did you find out about Alec?”

“That’d be me…” Simon raised his hand a bit catching their attention. “The night of Clary’s mugger incident, I was there with Magnus and her. We took Alec to hospital. It was something… to see Alec like that in the alley… and Magnus going blank and breaking down because of him.” He zoned out a bit in his memory.

“I worked with Alec, side by side for years. We all knew about Magnus’s love for him. He proposed Alec so many times at the club. Alec took him home the night he got drunk. I knew Alec cared for Magnus. But that night, in the alley, when Alec was about to die, he smiled and confessed. He thought he’d die there and yet he smiled and told Magnus how much he loved him and how sorry he was. And I saw Magnus afterward in hospital, sitting, waiting and praying and fighting for Alec, not giving up. It moved me you know, seeing the kind of love they shared.” Simon reached out to hold Izzy’s hand. After a slight squeeze and tight smile he continued, “Iz and I were in rough place before then, just as Jace and Clary. We understood their reluctance with love since they already had been betrayed so much. I told Iz about Magnus and Alec’s story. Clary told Jace. And after we talked, I realized that Alec is the same man I’ve been hearing about for years. All these years he was right before me and I didn’t even realize.”

“All those years we searched for him like mad… we did whatever we could to find something… anything about him. Val didn’t help us at all. And Alec was living right under our nose. It took Clary to almost get mugged and Alec to die for us to find out he’s alive. And we were beating the bushes for years to find some proper information about his death.” Jace gave a snigger, “Just our luck.”

 

**117 – Jace’s oath**

They all needed moments to catch their breath. They all knew nobody was at fault and yet everybody shared the guilt. While Alec was still asleep, the sun came out slowly. That was just one hell of a night for all of them. And Magnus had a feeling that it was better over before Alec woke up.

“He doesn’t know about his mother, right?” Magnus asked as he brushed a few locks on Alec’s forehead.

“No. I don’t think so. He never mentioned anything. He would’ve turned hell on heaven if he knew something like that.” Michael was frowning again and added after a pause, “I think.”

“What now?” Magnus looked at others.

“What do you mean?” Michael was still frowning.

“Michael… he needs to meet his siblings. They need to get to know each other and talk… about everything. Alec deserves to know for heaven’s sake.” Magnus paused at Michael’s expression. Before he could say anything Jace talked.

“I think… I think it’s better if we don’t meet now.” Magnus gave Jace an ‘Are-you-seriously-kidding-me-now?’ look. “No. Just listen to me. Alec has been through a lot. He needs a bit of calmness in his life right now. We waited for him all these years. We can wait a bit more.” Izzy nodded even though it was clear on her face she didn’t like the idea. She didn’t want to be away from Alec anymore.

“We all are at an impasse here. Just give Alec some time, to recover and regain some strength. He already knows about us. But I think it’d be better if he finds out what happened while he was in coma from someone he trusts.” Jace gave a hopeful look at Michael. “It’d be better if he’s prepared somewhat before he faces us. At least that’ll be less shock to him than suddenly waking up with Iz and me by his side. He needs stability now, not be thrown under the bus.”

“I don’t want to be away from him anymore but I have to say I agree with Jace. All that matters to us now is Alec’s wellbeing. We won’t be able to lose Alec now. If after knowing everything he still denies to meet us, well then…” Izzy couldn’t finish the sentence as her voice broke a bit.

“They are right, Michael. It should be you and Magnus. Alec needs familiarity than a sudden shock. We want him well and stable right?” Val agreed with them too. Michael and Magnus shared a look.

“It’s your decision, Michael. You know him for so long. You are his brother, his immediate family. We trust you to know better.” Magnus shrugged his shoulder, “I just want my Alexander back, that’s all.”

“Okay then…” Michael was still thinking, “If you all think it’s better, then… yes, we will see what happens. I guess we’ll just have to give Alec some time. And then we can gradually tell him everything. Hopefully this time he’ll agree to meet Jace and Izzy.”

“Just before we leave…” Jace was looking straight at Michael with pleading eyes, “Can I talk to him once? Please.”

Before Michael could give permission, Magnus let go of Alec’s hand and stood a bit away gesturing Jace to step closer. Jace gave him a tight smile before sitting beside Alec and taking his hand. Izzy stood behind him with a hand on his shoulder. They all stood a bit away to give the siblings some privacy. Michael was lost in his thoughts of how to approach Alec later.

“Entreat me not to leave thee, or return from following after thee…” Jace whispered to Alec while holding his hand closely between both of his own. Michael’s head shot up at them as he recognized the words. He had heard Alec whispering those words many times to himself during his breakdowns. He looked at Jace stunned. “For whither thou goest, I will go, and where thou lodgest, I will lodge. Thy people shall be my people and thy God my God. Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried.” Jace continued with tears rolling down his cheeks. Magnus also gave a weird look at him like others. Only Izzy had a very knowing and painful look. And Michael looked like he couldn’t believe his own eyes or ears. “The Angel do so to me and more also, if aught but death part thee and me.”

Jace let go one hand to hastily wipe his cheeks, “I know I failed you, brother. I know I’ll deserve if you choose to not accept us. I know I failed to keep my promise and so I can’t call myself your parabatai anymore. But without you, Alec, I am lost. I am nothing without you. Please come back. Please.” Jace leaned his head down on their joined hands.

“I missed you brother, believe me, or not. I missed you in every step of my life. I will understand if you don’t want us anymore. We hurt you a lot. But please wake up. There are others who probably love you more than we ever did. Come back for them, please.” Izzy placed a hasty kiss on Alec’s temple, just beneath the hairline from beside Jace and ran out of the room. Simon followed her out after a tight smile. Clary held out her hand for Jace who took it gladly before giving one last stroke at Alec’s cheeks.

Magnus and Michael stood bewildered for a moment before following others out of the door. Michael was momentarily taken aback as Jace recited the parabatai oath to Alec. It was riveting to see how the bond still worked between them.

While everybody cleared the room to say goodbyes, nobody noticed a teardrop slid down the corner of Alec’s eyes and got lost in the thick bandage.

 

**118 – Homecoming**

It’s been three weeks since that morning in the hospital when Jace, Izzy, Simon and Clary left. Michael took some time to talk to Jace about something that Magnus didn’t hear while Izzy tried to distract herself by talking business with Magnus. She and Magnus talked about Cat and Ragnor’s revised plan for the wedding. Magnus was happy to talk about it as it provided him calm and distraction too.

“Alec feels the same you know?” Magnus hugged Jace who gave a look of confusion. Magnus smiled, “About feeling lost. He feels the same, without you. He misses both you, Jace. So please, have faith now. It’ll be over soon.”

Jace only gave a small smile and nodded as if he needed to know that. Izzy gave one last hug to Michael and Magnus before leaving and promised to call every night to get an update on Alec. And then Michael and Magnus had gone back into the room and stayed in silence for about couple of hours until Alec woke up with a groan.

 

“Hey… you woke up. How do you feel?” Magnus sat beside the bed and brushed his fingers on Alec’s cheek.

Since they came back to Alec’s apartment, Magnus couldn’t seem to control the urge of being in constant touch with Alec. It seemed tacky but Magnus kept on touching Alec whenever he could for whatever reason. Alec couldn’t move much in his sleep or curl up like he always did before. So that gave Magnus a chance to hold Alec’s hand during the sleep. Alec only just nodded and sat up using his elbows. Magnus placed a pillow behind him and Alec lay back on the headboard. He didn’t reply anything else.

Alec was quite silent during the first week. He was always groggy and weak. He was fidgeting as he couldn’t move much. They had to put him on a wheelchair to get him home. Even though Michael wanted to take him to his house, Alec refused. Again he just wanted the familiarity and safety of his own place. Michael didn’t protest much after Magnus promised to stay at home with Alec. Lydia offered to come by when Magnus needed to go to the office or needed help. Madzie promised to help too. She’d just lay by Alec and watch TV or do her homework while Alec slept whenever she came for visit. Magnus could easily do his work at that time. Things settled down really well and faster than Magnus or Michael expected.

One evening Luke and Maia came to visit and Alec had freaked out. He repeatedly apologized to Luke for what he did at the cemetery. But they were just happy to see him well. Alec was really sorry for everything but they calmed him down by telling him that they understood and they didn’t blame him. Other than that day Alec never talked about the incident in the cemetery.

Alec was really scared and fidgety around Magnus though. He always said thanks for every little thing and behaved so clinical with Magnus. It hurt Magnus to see Alec like that, cowering and fidgeting away from him but he understood all the incidents must’ve put Alec in shock. They need time to get closer to each other again.

Magnus tried to keep up with Alec’s mood and talk to him. But it was hard since Alec didn’t talk to him at all other than absolute necessity. Magnus had no idea how to change the situation into a positive way, how to give Alec confidence enough to make him talk. But he stuck around and waited. Thankfully Alec didn’t exactly push him away.

Michael and Lydia came over for the dinner at the apartment almost every evening. Lydia came bearing food for the first 10 days or so and then Magnus asked her to help him in the kitchen. It was not exactly fun. But it wasn’t awkward either, working with Lydia in the kitchen. He realized she’s such a cool woman with a no-nonsense attitude. He started to like her even more as they found out they both like watching movies instead of reading books thinking it’s faster and efficient. They also agreed that reading is better for boring, old people like Michael and Alec. They both laughed at the joke as Madzie pointed out she must be boring and old too.

Magnus had to go back to work which he suspected as much. But thanks to Clary he still managed to come home earlier than usual. Alec would only give him a smile or a hello every now and then and didn’t refrain whenever Magnus touched him. Magnus had literally thanked all the Gods for that.

Things were kinda awkward between them as Alec only talked to Madzie freely. He even showed the same kind of reluctance and hostility toward Michael as well. Magnus was a bit happy about that Alec’s coldness wasn’t just directed entirely to him; Michael was sharing that feeling with him.

 

“So…” Magnus gave a smile before turning around while talking to Alec. He placed his bag beside the table and rolled up his sleeves, “… Michael called earlier. They are coming tonight. Do you want anything special for dinner?”

Magnus tried to act as easy as possible around Alec, without making him uncomfortable. He turned to look back at Alec and for a moment he felt like Alec was staring at his back. Alec turned his face away the moment Magnus turned back. Magnus went to the wardrobe as no reply came from Alec. He opened a drawer and pulled out a t-shirt and pajama. “Would you like some steak?” Magnus tried to not look at Alec but this time he was conscious. And sure enough, he could feel Alec’s eyes boring on his back. He smiled to himself. At least the staring didn’t cease or changed. “I was thinking some green salad on the side and… mashed potato maybe?” he turned on his heels suddenly without giving Alec a chance to take his eyes away, “What do you think?”

“Steak’s good.” Alec mumbled, getting caught staring.

“And mashed potato?” Magnus smiled as Alec held his gaze.

“With butter?” Alec looked up like a kid, his eyes twinkling.

“Sure. Green salad or veggie?”

“Salad. With capers.”

“Okay,” Magnus walked closer to Alec and saw his eyes go wide a bit, “I’ll go make dinner after a quick shower, okay?” he didn’t wait for Alec to respond anything. He placed a quick peck on Alec’s temple, grabbed a towel and went into the bathroom. All the way smiling to himself that the adoration in Alec’s eyes was just same as before. It was the first proper conversation he had with Alec in weeks.

 

“Okay, guys… just spill now.” Fork and knife clattered on the plate as Alec exasperatedly looked up after being annoyed through the whole dinner.

“Spill… Spill what?” Michael looked up cocking an eyebrow from his plate with a spoonful of mashed potato right in front of his lips. Magnus tensed beside Alec.

“Michael, really, I’m serious.” Alec cocked his head, “Since I’ve woken up I can see you and Magnus fidgeting about something. Just tell me what’s going on. I’m not gonna drop dead, I promise.” Alec placed his elbows on the table and looked around. Madzie was sitting on the head of the table clearly enjoying her dinner. She didn’t bother much to look up at the sudden burst of Alec after being so silent and closed for days. She already knew what bothered him. They had a thorough conversation about it. Lydia stared uncomfortably at her plate. Of course, Michael told her everything that happened in the hospital. Magnus scowled at Alec at the ‘drop dead’ comment before exchanging a quick glance with Michael. Both had the same look of ‘What now?’ on their faces.

Alec understood they weren’t going to talk so easily.

 

**119 – Feelings be damned**

“I’m done.” Madzie announced suddenly when she recognized the situation tensing. She skipped off to the bedroom and closed the door. Alec gave a pointed look at her retreating figure before turning back to others.

“Now can you guys talk?” he asked skeptically.

“What’s there to talk about?” Michael placed his spoon down before looking at Alec, “You avoided talking for 3 weeks, which I can understand but why suddenly you wanna talk? And what exactly you’re asking about?”

 “Okay then,” Alec tried to look as calm as possible, “You probably know Luke and Maia came to visit.”

“Yes, Magnus told me.” Michael replied matching Alec’s tone. Lydia and Magnus shared a quick look. Both didn’t like how the brothers were throwing cold glances at each other.

“I apologized to them.”

“I know. I knew you’d want to apologize to them even if they hadn’t come.” Both were frowning at each other, probably wondering where that conversation was going.

“I’m sorry about the gun.” Alec was looking down at his plate. For some reason, he couldn’t bring himself to look in Michael’s eyes. He didn’t want to see that expression.

Michael blanched, along with Lydia and Magnus. They weren’t expecting an apology about that, not that soon. “Are you? Are you really sorry about that?”

There was something in Michael’s voice that made not only Alec but also Magnus to look at him. His clear green eyes were shining, with a layer of tears. Magnus had gotten so used to his salt and pepper stubble and messy hair and bags under eyes that Michael’s clean-shaven face seemed more prominent with expressions. “Did you think about us? Did you see us there, asking you… begging you to not do that? Did you think what would happen to Magnus? Did you see him? Did you hear him?” his voice was wavering, Magnus could hear it clearly. “Did you… just… ever… think… you selfish… moron…” he couldn’t keep his head up anymore.

Michael pushed his nearly finished plate away and leaned his head in his arms. He groaned and sighed. Michael was the only person who didn’t cry, at least not for Alec, who didn’t break down in fear of losing his brother. It wasn’t because his inner-doctor told him Alec would be fine. It wasn’t because he was shocked after seeing his Kiddo’s unconscious body on the gravel path. It was because he couldn’t cry. At first, he kept quiet for Lydia, Madzie and Magnus. And later he had to do it for Jace and Izzy and others. He felt like it was his duty to hold himself back, keep himself strong for them. He felt like it was on him to give them hope. He felt like he needed to act like the grown-up he is and be the support for others. He couldn’t have a moment to have a breakdown.

But now, sitting in front of Alec, after everything truly turned out to be okay and talking about it with Alec, Michael felt like his world was crashing. He couldn’t find the strength to hold it all together. It was like he was falling. And it hurt. Before, in hospital, he could keep himself steady, act on rush and adrenaline. But being at home, he couldn’t seem to find that strength, the rush that helped him before. He never showed it but it was getting too much for him.

Alec licked his lip out of nervousness, mirroring the same of Magnus’s. Lydia placed a hand on Michael’s shoulder; her eyes watering too. Most of the time she’d keep quiet and to herself. She never talked much except whenever she felt like talking, especially around the matters between the brothers. But at that moment she was at loss of words too. She didn’t know how to console her husband.

“I’m sorry, Michael.” Magnus didn’t know how those words left Alec’s lips. Because he himself was speechless, seeing Michael like that.

Michael’s voice was close to whispering when he raised his head up again. “You’ve put me through that experience again and again and you know it. Though it’s tiring to see you like that again and again and doesn’t matter how much I try to protect you… I’m not even surprised anymore, Kiddo. So you shouldn’t be saying sorry to me. You should be saying sorry to Magnus. For how you behaved with him, how you reacted, how you treated him.”

 

Alec opened his mouth but nothing came out because there was nothing to say. For weeks that feeling was gnawing at his heart, eating him inside out. He couldn’t look at Magnus in the eye or talk to him. He felt guilty, bad and ashamed, all the time, all the damn moments Magnus was smiling to him, gazing at him with love in his eyes, trying to cheer him up, trying to make a conversation with him and touching him. Those touches were like instant burns on his skin. But he loved them. He accepted them as if he needed those burns to remind him that he didn’t deserve any of them.

Alec loved Magnus, no doubt, madly and badly. And he couldn’t see a way to stop. He couldn’t see a way to push Magnus away. He felt like he could’ve been in more peace if Magnus had left him or didn’t forgive him or at least if Magnus acted mad or shouted at him or did something negative… anything. He couldn’t handle all the smiles, honesty, love, carefulness and positivity from Magnus. It felt absurdly wrong. He could see love, patience and forgive in Magnus’s eyes, and he couldn’t stop being selfish and accept all of it while he still could.

“You knew about Magnus. You knew what he’d been through.” Michael’s stark green irises didn’t suit the red rim underneath. “How could you play with his feelings, Alec?” Alec blanched visibly. He wasn’t used to either Michael’s look or him using his real name. Michael always called him ‘Kiddo’.

“Michael…” Magnus tried but stopped the moment Michael’s slithering, cold gaze fell upon him. It was quite strong to silence him for the rest of the conversation between the brothers.

“You two need to talk. Alone.” Michael gave one look at Alec and Magnus before getting up from his chair after Alec kept mute.

“But… I need to… talk… to you.” Alec stuttered after a few seconds as he looked at Michael’s back, going toward the kitchen.

Michael didn’t stop his feet but replied in growling tone, “We have nothing to talk about.” Lydia quietly picked up the plates to go to the kitchen as well. Magnus gave a panicking look to Alec’s half-finished dinner and everyone even though nobody saw him.

“I do… please, Michael.” Alec cried out. Michael stopped near the archway and turned on his heels.

“No, we don’t.” he hissed, “Not until you talk to Magnus and sort everything out.” He turned on his heels again starting to talk. It was different to see Michael sticking up for Magnus and going against Alec. Even at a moment like that, the thought warmed Magnus.

Alec paused for a moment before crying out quite loudly that not only stopped Michael dead in his track, but also Lydia and Magnus. “I heard Jace.”

Michael still had his back toward Alec when he heard those 3 words that almost stopped his breathing. Lydia and Magnus shared a matching look of shock.

Alec repeated as if they all needed to hear those words again, for confirmation that they didn’t hear it wrong, “I heard Jace,” Single drop of tear rolled down his cheek, “And Izzy.”

 

**120 – Confessions**

Michael turned back, quite slowly, still not believing his ears. “What?” he squeaked, “What did you say?”

Alec was staring at him, with a look of pain that tugged at Michael’s heart so much that he almost ran back to Alec to hug him, to comfort him. “I heard them. The Oath… The begging… Everything…”

Michael was too stunned to say anything. He just awkwardly gaped at Alec, raking at his brain, trying to think what to say to Alec and how.

“At first I thought I was dreaming. It seemed a beautiful dream, you know.” Alec started and for a moment Michael thought he had hope. He could tell Alec for now that maybe it was a dream. But Alec himself crushed that hope for Michael, with his next words. “But soon I noticed something was wrong with that dream.”

Alec had a wide-eyed, confused-as-hell look on his face. But it seemed like he couldn’t stop talking. “In my dreams, Jace and Izzy were always the teenagers I left them as. But this time they were looking so older, their voices were so matured, like grown up. They suddenly looked like the pictures I saw on Facebook months ago. They looked of their age, Michael.”

Alec wildly searched for something in Michael’s blanched face, though he didn’t move away from the table. He was on his wheelchair. He could easily roll himself to Michael but for some reason, he liked the distance between them. “Jace held my hand like you showed us when we took the oath. Izzy brushed my hair, kissed me… here.” He placed his hand under his flopping hair exactly where Izzy really had kissed. “It seemed so real, Michael. It was so damned real.”

The look on Alec’s face was enough to tell Michael that he didn’t have a way left other than the truth. Alec deserved the truth. He needed the truth. Michael was only unsure if Alec can take the truth.

“Please tell me it was a dream, Michael. Please tell me I had a very stupid dream. Please tell me it was just a dream and not true.” And Michael knew Alec was panicking and desperate to nullify his fears. Michael knew Alec already believed otherwise… or probably he already knew the truth… Thanks to Madzie maybe?

“It wasn’t.” Michael’s words echoed in the room. Lydia and Magnus were genuinely scared about Alec’s reaction.

“It wasn’t?” Alec only said. His voice seemed normal. His expression wasn’t giving much away. He just stared at Michael who rubbed his temple once with a loud sigh and walked back to Alec. By then Alec had turned his chair away from the table so Michael can easily face him. Michael knelt on the floor right before Alec and pressed his palms on the handles of the chair so Alec wouldn’t do anything stupid, such as roll back or roll away. Michael needed Alec to maintain eye contact for the thing he was about to do.

“No, Kiddo, it wasn’t a dream.” Magnus shifted his eyes from the torn look on Michael to expressionless Alec. “They were there. Jace, Izzy, Clary, Simon, Ragnor, Catarina, Magnus, Valentine and I… we all were there, throughout the time you were in coma. We didn’t leave you.”

“Why?”

“Why?” Michael raised an eyebrow repeating the question. He knew very well the lawyer in Alec was assessing every look on his face, every twitch of his jaw, every fleet of his eyes, every pause he took to think of a proper answer, like then. Alec never completed formal practice but he was the topper of his batch for a reason. He is good at his job when he wants to be. “Because we were worried about you, Kiddo because we all love you. We care for you.”

“Ragnor and Catarina were there for Magnus; that is understandable. But it doesn’t explain Jace, Izzy and Valentine.”

“I had to call Valentine to find you after how you left that morning. We couldn’t find you. That’s why he was there. And as for Jace and Izzy,” Michael took a pause to try to assess Alec, “Valentine brought them.”

“But I told him explicitly...” Alec started.

“… Not to let them know.” Michael finished as pale green and light hazel glared at each other. Alec’s knuckles went white when he realized he was trapped in his chair with Michael. “Yes. Val said something like that. But you almost died. He thought better to give them a chance to meet you one last time. They deserved to know the truth, the whole story.”

“The whole… What?” Alec’s look was incredulous as if he couldn’t believe what he just heard.

“The whole story,” Michael paused. Alec blinked a couple of times as he understood the meaning of what Michael said. Then he jerked violently trying to get the chair out of Michael’s grip. The fear was clear on his face and dilated eyes.

“No… no… what have you done… no… let me go…” Alec balked and tried to use his uninjured leg to kick Michael away. Magnus dropped the plates he was holding on the table and ran to Alec before holding him tight around his shoulder from back trapping his hands. He jerked his head too much that Magnus was worried he’d hurt himself. Michael placed his palm on Alec’s knees effectively stopping him from kicking.

“Alec… Alexander… shush… shush… it’s okay… it’s okay, babe… it’s okay… just calm down… please just calm down.” Magnus whispered in his ears bending over his shoulder as he felt wet on his forearm. Alec was crying wildly. Magnus didn’t understand the reaction.

Through Alec’s wild moaning to let him go, Michael’s worried and cracked voice came through, “You heard them, Kiddo. You heard Jace and Izzy. They don’t hate you, Kiddo. They love you. They miss you. They need you. Just like you need them. Please, Kiddo, nobody hates you. Please just listen to us, please.”

“They should hate me,” Alec yelled loudly through his tears that Magnus had to move a bit away. Lydia was beside Michael kneeling constantly rubbing on Alec’s arm. Alec bored his nails on Magnus’s hands to free himself. They were a bit taken aback when Alec spoke again, “They should hate me… for leaving them behind… for not being the brother they deserved… for killing Max… for taking their brother away from them… they should hate me… they weren’t supposed to know anything or forgive me… I got my brother killed… nobody should forgive me for that…”

Magnus couldn’t stop himself anymore. His eyes went blank with tears. It was too much to hear Alec talking like that. The burden he carried due to his father’s words was unbearable to hear in Alec’s own words. It sounded so wrong. But Alec wasn’t done. Magnus could feel those nails drawing blood on his skin. It hurt but not more than Alec’s next words.

“Nobody was supposed to forgive me… not you… not Magnus… I got your family killed… I killed Magnus’s parents with my own hands… Magnus, he wasn’t supposed to smile at me every fucking moment… he wasn’t supposed to cheer me like nothing happened… he wasn’t supposed to touch me like he still wants me… Magnus isn’t supposed to love me for fuck’s sake… I don’t deserve it… I don’t deserve his love and care… I don’t deserve you, Michael… how could you forgive me for what I did to Jace… How could you forgive me for taking Jace and your family away from you… Jace was right…” Alec struggled continuously in inhuman strength to break away from Michael and Magnus who both were way too much shocked to loosen their grip or response anything.

“Jace was so fucking right… when he said it’s me who should’ve died…” _It’s you, who should’ve died, you,_ young Jace’s yell echoed in his ears like he could still hear it “… he was right, it should’ve been me… both the time… Izzy was right to call me a curse, a killer, a monster…” _Go away, you’re a curse_ , _you’re a killer, you’re a monster_ , Izzy’s voice rang in his mind. “ _“You can’t bring happiness, you only brought sadness”_ , mum said… she was right… I am a disappointment…” _You’re a disappointment, you don’t deserve love_. Maryse’s last words still didn’t let him sleep at night. “Nobody should forgive me… nobody… you shouldn’t have said anything to Jace and Izzy… they were better hating me… you all are better hating me… please hate me…”

Alec started hitting his head back on Magnus’s rigid chest before slumping in Magnus’s arms as his rush came down. Michael and he only stared at each other, probably both thinking the same thing.

How do they bring Alec back from that?

How do they save Alec from the monster within himself, the monster that’s taken him that far that Alec can’t even accept a simple form of love, the monster that is own mind, own thoughts?

How do they help Alec surviving from himself?

 

**121 – Escaping nights**

Alec was shaking at first and hiccupping slightly in Magnus’s arms. But then all of a sudden he went limp. That brought Magnus back to reality. He got scared seeing Alec unmoving like that.

“Michael… is he…” Magnus couldn’t think. He didn’t want to think. He only looked at Michael. Both of them shared the same tear-stained and worried look. Michael checked Alec’s pulse.

“No… no, he’s just tired I think. He is unconscious. Just put him to bed.” Michael got up and stumbled from kneeling for so long. He rubbed his face and went to the couch. Lydia and Magnus shared a look before Lydia went to her husband while Magnus pushed the wheelchair to the bedroom.

He scooped Alec under his arms and placed his upper body on the bed. Madzie helped him to hold Alec steady as Magnus placed his legs on the bed too. Alec flopped to his side and mumbled something incoherent. Thankfully Madzie didn’t ask any question while Magnus cleaned Alec’s face with wet-wipes.

“Good night, Zie.” Magnus gave both Alec and Madzie kisses after tucking them in.

“Magnus… can I say something?” Madzie looked at him in the darkness.

“Yes, sure,” Magnus’s voice was a bit scratchy.

“Clean your face too. And…” Magnus could feel her hesitating but he waited patiently, “Alec’s been always like that, you know. He never expresses anything but what he told to you and dad, it’s nothing new. He always had these thoughts. I tried to talk to him but he wouldn’t listen to me. He says he wants people to hate him but that only makes him cope, you know. Deep inside, all he wants is love… he wants you… he wants his family. He wouldn’t just say it so easily.”

Magnus didn’t know how to process her words. It made sense knowing that Alec’s thoughts weren’t something that developed recently. He understood that the self-hatred runs deep inside Alec than anybody ever realized. But momentarily he realized how Madzie wasn’t scared from Alec’s outburst if she’d heard it, how calm she was about everything and how careful she was with her words explaining it to Magnus. That made him think how close Alec and Madzie are and how much she knows Alec. If she wasn’t a little girl, Magnus would’ve been jealous of her probably or of the bond she shares with Alec.

“Thanks, Zie. I’ll remember it. Now please go to sleep. I guess your parents might be staying here tonight as well. So, good night and sweet dreams,” Magnus didn’t know what else to say.

“Good night, Magnus.”

 

“Madzie is asleep. You two should go home. There’s nothing we can do tonight. I can look after Alec.” Magnus announced after coming out of the bedroom. He saw Michael still sitting like before rubbing his forehead. Lydia was still sitting beside him wordlessly.

“We are gonna take her home tonight. She has school tomorrow.” Lydia looked at Magnus.

“It’s quite late, Lydia. Let her sleep it off.”

“No, Magnus. She can’t miss school anymore because we grown-ups can’t handle our drama. She’ll fall behind. I can’t risk that.”

Magnus didn’t want to argue with a mother about her child. So he just nodded lightly giving her way to go to the bedroom and take her. A couple of minutes later she came out with Madzie wrapped in her arms. Michael stood up to take her in his arms.

“I’ll call you tomorrow. Let me know if anything…” Michael didn’t need to finish the sentence before Magnus nodded again.

“Of course, I will. Just give me a call as soon as you reach home. I’ll worry.”

“Sure Magnus. Good night. Take care.” Lydia walked out of the door after Michael.

“Good night,” Magnus smiled lightly before closing the door and sighed.

Magnus went to the bedroom to check and Alec was sleeping peacefully. So he came out to the drawing room and made himself a strong glass of drink. He sat on the couch and sipped staring at the blank wall above the turned off TV.

Magnus needed time to think how to approach Alec. He curled up sideways on the couch pulling up one knee and crossing the other underneath. His grip on the glass tightened. Even though he had the desperate urge to drink to oblivion and have one night of good sleep without all the drama, Magnus found he was unable to drink.

Magnus knew Alec would love to just avoid the topic and never talk about it again and carry on like nothing happened ever. But Michael was right, they need to talk. Avoiding things wasn’t a solution between them anymore. Magnus knew he had to talk to Alec, or rather had to make Alec talk. There were so many things going over in his head. He tried to calm down and march his thoughts.

Magnus mostly worried about Alec’s reactions. Alec’s way of thinking scared him. If only knowing that Jace and Izzy know everything now made Alec freak out like that, Magnus shuddered to think how he’d react knowing about Maryse. Magnus made a mental note to meet Maryse himself first before telling Alec anything about her. At least he’d have an idea what to tell Alec about her. He tried to think of a better way to get the siblings to meet each other. He knew it was important but he couldn’t think what Alec would do.

Magnus was scared about Alec like never before. Everything about the whole matter scared him. But more than anything Magnus was scared to lose Alec. He didn’t know what Alec would do if he pushed him too much about everything. Maybe agreeing to Alec’s way would be better. But Magnus knew it won’t be right. He can’t be selfish and avoid everything just so Alec wouldn’t push him away too much.

He was sure about one thing, Alec deserved love; be it from Michael, his siblings or he himself. And if for that Magnus had to let go of Alec, then probably he will. If Alec’s happiness is in with his family, with his siblings, then probably Magnus would let Alec push him away. And that was the thing that scared Magnus most, that Magnus would go to any length now to see Alec happy, accepting love, recovering from his past, changing his thoughts about himself, being better. Magnus needed Alec to be better, more than he himself needed Alec to survive.

When Magnus realized he was done the thinking and felt really tired, he saw the glass in his hand still as full as it was made. The ice melted in the glass and wetted his palms. He got up from the couch and went to the kitchen. He emptied the glass in the sink smirking to himself. He couldn’t help but think of his friends’ reaction if they’d seen him tossing a really good drink away like that. _Da. Horror.,_ in Ragnor’s voice, spoke in his head and he smiled. He washed the glass and turned the lights off to go to the bedroom.

Magnus didn’t think twice where he was sleeping. He just curled beside Alec holding his hand like every night. He didn’t realize when he fell asleep or started shaking from having a nightmare about Alec leaving him. He didn’t know he murmured in his sleep and begged Alec to not to leave him. He didn’t realize that it had woken Alec who heard everything. He didn’t realize when Alec pulled Magnus closer to comfort him. He didn’t realize when they fell asleep together, Magnus in Alec’s tight embrace, flushed closer to his body, feeling his moving chest under his cheek and feeling calmed from Alec’s warmth.

 

**122 – Let’s just talk**

Magnus woke up next morning feeling warm, too warm that he felt suffocating. His whole body felt warm as if he’s running fever. He managed to open his eyes but felt his back aching slightly. He groaned and tried to move. And then he realized something was wrapped around him. Startled he opened his eyes and saw a pair of hazel eyes shining brightly as the sun reflected on them staring at him. Magnus was really confused and startled to understand what was happening.

“Good morning,” Alec said sweetly giving a light smile. Magnus’s brain still hadn’t recovered from the depth of hazel eyes.

“Good morning, Magnus,” Alec said again when Magnus kept staring only.

To tell the truth, Magnus was shocked. He didn’t need to look down to feel his legs entwined with Alec’s under the sheet or his long arms were still around him or that his chin was on Alec’s chest or that his hair was the perfect mess and yet Alec was staring at him sweetly like he’s never seen him before. Magnus felt the frustration of receiving loving, sweet heart-eye looks when you’re an utter mess. What Magnus failed to notice which Alec was absolutely aware of was his morning hardness pressing at Alec’s hip. He didn’t understand Alec’s soft shy smile was about that actually.

“You okay, Magnus?” Alec asked again as Magnus was lost in his head and hazel eyes. He mentally diagnosed himself. No, he didn’t feel any lightness or throbbing in head. His vision was perfect, rather too perfect to see the light emerald core in the perfect hazel. He didn’t feel the urge to throw up. So no, he wasn’t having a hangover. He remembered throwing the drink away last night.

“Magnus… hey… you okay?” Alec frowned a bit. Magnus’s heart jumped as he felt a finger softly skimming over his cheek and chin going down to the side of his jaw. Alec was caressing his face.

“Yeah, yeah… I’m fine…” Magnus shook his head, finally finding his voice, “Good morning.”

“Do you feel better now?” Alec asked softly. He didn’t blink. The smile was still there. Magnus felt like caught up in a spell.

“Yes. I slept well.” Magnus tried to move but Alec’s grip stayed. He looked into hazel eyes again which frowned slightly, “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing”, Alec replied quickly.    

“Alec…”

“I wouldn’t push you away, Magnus.” Alec looked at the ceiling. Magnus didn’t understand.

“What?” Magnus edged closer to Alec to see his face properly.

“You were talking last night, in sleep.” If Alec had looked at Magnus, he would see the paling expression but Alec stared at the ceiling and held Magnus’s hand that lay freely on his stomach. “You asked me to not leave.” Alec frowned, “I don’t know why you think I’d leave you because it should be me thinking that… worry about that. But whatever made you feel like that, Magnus, I won’t. I won’t leave you or push you away. I don’t think I can do that.”

“Alexander…” Magnus was shocked by the sudden confession more than worrying about what he must’ve spilled in his sleep.

“No, Magnus, really, let me say.” Alec took a deep breath. Magnus was looking at him but he was staring at the ceiling. “I know I behaved rashly last night. And what I’m saying now doesn’t make any sense in contrast to what I said last night. But I can’t, Magnus, I know I can’t push you away. I can’t leave you because I need you. I love you and I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to accept everything that’s happening. It’s too much for me. But I can’t let you go. Without you, I’d drown, Magnus.”

And that’s all it took for Magnus’s eyes to start watering. “Then talk to me.” Magnus said softly placing a finger under Alec’s chin turning his face, “Share with me. You know you have me.”

“I know,” Alec sighed deeply closing his eyes. “I just… I don’t know how. I can’t talk about how I feel. It hurts, Magnus.” His voice broke at the end. “It hurts a lot. But I’m used to it. I understand the hurt. I can live with it. I don’t know how to… you know… accept the love, the sudden changes. What if now Jace and Izzy try to meet? What am I gonna tell them? What will they tell me?” Magnus could feel Alec shivering lightly. He weaved his fingers with Alec’s and held tightly. “I know Michael said they love me. But…”

“But what?” Magnus urged when Alec stopped talking abruptly.

“There’s a lot in our past, Magnus. There’s a lot of history, a lot of ill-feelings. I didn’t want them to find out anything ever. I hurt them when I left. And what happened to Max…”

“It just happened, Alec, it was an accident. You almost died too. And they hurt you too when they didn’t trust you.” Magnus said slowly, “It happened, Alec, it just happened. They’ve accepted it. They’re trying to move on.”

“But…”

“There’s no but, Alec. You’re in pain. They’re in pain too. You’ve been hurt by Robert. They’ve been hurt too. Imagine what they must’ve felt when they found out.” Magnus stroked the back of his palm with his thumb.

“That’s why I never wanted them to find out anything. That’s why I asked Valentine to drop the case and never open it again.” Alec was still staring at the ceiling.

“You don’t know how Robert got arrested?” Magnus was taken aback. He didn’t think of this.

“No,” Alec turned and hugged Magnus closer, “I never asked. I didn’t want to know.”

“Why?”

“They wanted me to confess, testify against him. Then I’d have to meet them and mom. I didn’t want to know… how to…”

“So you never confessed?”

“No… I did… I just gave Valentine everything in written. I didn’t want to see them.”

“Why?”

“They’d be… I don’t know… hurt, maybe… they knew I was dead… it was better for them, you know… they had made peace with it… I made peace with that too… Why mess everything for them again…”

“You never want to meet them? Just because they knew you’re dead?”

“When I couldn’t forgive myself for Max and your parents… how could I ask them to forgive me? How could I just go to them and tell them that yes, I was alive all these years and I made a deal with Dad and I abandoned them because I couldn’t listen to them anymore… I couldn’t see them hurting anymore? Mum would be devastated, Magnus.”

Magnus was literally shocked. Nothing changed for Alec in 13 years. To him, Robert was still dad even after whatever he did. To him, his mum was still his mum who asked him to go away. To him, he was still guilty and it didn’t change. Magnus realized the real problem. It wasn’t because nobody believed in Alec back then. It all happened because Alec never forgave himself.

 

**123 – Take me, Alexander**

“You still don’t want to meet them? Now that they know you’re alive. They’ve already seen you at the hospital. Do you still want to avoid them?” Magnus asked not knowing what to expect. Whatever Alec would answer, Magnus promised to himself that he’d accept it without any question. After all, it’s still Alec’s choice. Maybe later someday they can try to resolve it again.

“I don’t know, Magnus. Should I meet them?”

“What do you want?”

“I don’t know. What do you think?”

“It should be your decision, Alec. I can’t tell you what to do. But I do have something to ask though.”

“What?” Alec sighed hoping it’s not about ‘the story’ again.

“Will you sing a song for me?” Magnus asked looking at Alec.

“What?” Alec’s eyes whipped back at Magnus’s face, definitely not hoping that as a question.

“When we were talking in the hospital, Izzy mentioned you used to sing to them every night. Even Madzie has heard you sing too. I find I’m the only one who hadn’t seen you sing. So will you sing for me?”

Alec was stunned for a moment. It was such a small and sweet request. Magnus was his boyfriend. He shouldn’t be afraid of singing to him. He already had his recordings. And yet Magnus’s sweet expression, his puppy eyes and love touched Alec. “Yes. I will.” He whispered, “Later maybe.” and met with Magnus’s glorious smile.

Magnus knew they had more to talk and they didn’t start the morning with the intention of talking. And yet Alec said so many things. Maybe there’s still hope for Alec. Maybe Magnus can help him back to love. The stunned look in Alec’s eyes when he asked him to sing something, the pain, disbelief and finally the acceptance in those eyes was clearly visible that Magnus wondered how he never saw those emotions before. He wondered how Alec managed to hide everything behind those eyes that suddenly opened up to him like mirrors to his soul. If Magnus needed another assurance in his life, he realized that this was the moment he’d fall in love with Alec again and again.

Alec was broken, hurt, misunderstood and not trusted for so long. Alec taught himself to hide, his emotions and his true self. Alec never knew how to accept love. Alec hurt himself, again and again, believing he isn’t worthy. And yet the same man was lying beside Magnus, holding him in his arms as if Magnus needed all the reassurance of life, loving him as if his life depended on it, opening himself layer by layer because he’s still scared. Magnus had to commend the effort.

It warmed his heart seeing that Alec chose him, to open up to, to let in, to save him. Magnus couldn’t stop himself from inching closer and hover over Alec’s face, asking for permission. He was more than happy when Alec tilted his head with his trademark lopsided smile and placed his hand at his neck, bringing his head closer. Magnus happily placed his lips on Alec’s, tasting him, tasting relief, tasting love, tasting sadness, tasting joy, tasting life.   

“Magnus…” Alec breathed when they had to end the kiss because they needed air. He looked up to Magnus who had his eyes closed. But those lips, Alec stared at the lips and wanted to kiss them again. He realized he wanted Magnus, he desired Magnus and he needed Magnus. Not because Magnus’s unnoticed hardness was still poking at his hip but because he loved Magnus, madly, badly, unconditionally and irrevocably. Because he wanted to love Magnus, tell Magnus that he loves him; that he will not give up. Because he wants to be one with Magnus, by the heart and the soul. Because he wants Magnus to accept him, all of him. “…I love you.” He breathed again as Magnus leaned his forehead on his.

And Alec was scared again, questioning himself. What if Magnus misunderstands him? What is Magnus doesn’t want it? What if Magnus thinks he wants to do it because his body needs it? What if Magnus doesn’t…?

Alec never finished felling unworthy of himself again as he felt Magnus’s sweet lips pressed on his own and molding them together. Alec vaguely realized Magnus was moving closer to him. His hands grabbing at him like a drowning man trying to hold on to something to survive. His lips fast and urgent on his, kissing and sucking and licking and feeling and driving him crazy.

Alec didn’t realize when his hands moved too. His fingers skimming over Magnus’s broad shoulder, his muscular back, the small of his back, the sides of his ribs, his narrow and curved hips, the nape of his neck, and his soft silky hair. His head tilting and giving Magnus more space to devour his lips. His hands grabbed Magnus closer and never wanting to let go, or end it.

Alec didn’t feel the need to breathe, he didn’t need air. He needed Magnus, to stop him, to hold him, to save him, to protect him, to love him, to believe him and to trust him. He wanted Magnus, to take him away, take him to the light, to the happiness, to where Magnus always smiled brightly and made Alec smile. To where there’s no Robert, no past or future, to the present where only Magnus and Alec are there, for each other, with each other, where Magnus and Alec are together and happy and don’t have to worry about anything else. Alec didn’t realize when his lungs started to rattle inside, his brain started to get foggy due to the lack of oxygen and the thoughts started to seem more than real. And then Magnus broke the kiss to breathe.

“Whenever you feel like this…” Magnus breathed heavily against his neck, “Whenever you start doubting yourself…” His hot breath tickled Alec softly, “Whenever you feel like… whatever you were feeling before… just kiss me…” Magnus panted and Alec opened his eyes startled. Magnus rose up a bit so they can face each other better, “You come to me and you kiss me. Okay?” Magnus’s chocolate eyes shined with love, undiluted love for Alec. “And I’ll show you how much I love you… how much you’re worthy… okay?” he brushed his nose against Alec’s jaw.

Alec stared at Magnus without blinking. His lungs were burning inside his chest. His breathing was labored but that didn’t matter. He realized Magnus was right. Magnus dragged him away from his thoughts and darkness and took him where he could see light and love and happiness, where he was hoping again, all within a split of a second, just by kissing him. Alec didn’t even know he needed this but now he did and he would do what Magnus asked him. He silently nodded giving Magnus the confirmation that he’d demand a kiss and let Magnus show him love whenever he felt like drowning.

“Take me, Alexander.” Magnus whispered softly, his cheeks flaunting a rosy blush, his hip pushing against Alec’s suggestively.

 

**124 – I want this**

Alec was wondering if he was already in heaven or if it’s a real morning. Well, it definitely was a good morning. “Are you… sure?”

“Yes, Alexander, I want this. Take me… Make me yours.” Magnus leaned down again and hid his face in Alec’s neck. It took Alec a few moments to understand that Magnus was kissing him there, on his throbbing vein, licking and kissing and biting to mark Alec as his, to claim Alec.

“You take the top.” Alec gasped before speaking and held onto Magnus’s hips. Magnus looked up abruptly leaving Alec’s neck, confused. Surely there was a faint mark already.

“What?” Magnus didn’t know what to think, “You want me to take you?”

“No…” Alec chuckled, “You on top. I don’t think I can move right now.”

“I don’t understand.” Magnus shook his head and gave a happy squeal as Alec moved him by his hips. Suddenly Magnus sat on Alec’s stomach straddling him.

“Would you like to undress us?” Alec asked shyly. Magnus blinked a couple of times before moving in a flash and discarding his boxer. Alec pushed his boxer down enough to free his uninjured leg. They were still under cover so they were yet to see each other.

“What now?” Magnus was straddling him again.

Alec chuckled seeing him so enthusiastic. “You surely want this huh?”

“Hell yeah… I’ve waited for it so long. To love you. And be loved by you, my beautiful handsome lover.” Magnus leaned down with that and kissed Alec full on lips. Alec held him closer and let his fingers go under Magnus’s t-shirt. His slow touches gave Magnus shivers. Magnus pressed closer and moved to kiss his jaw and throat again. Alec could feel a tightening in his stomach.

“Ahh… Magnus…” Alec squirmed as he felt their unclothed lower parts brushing against each other. He still felt his chest burning but he pushed aside the thought and concentrated on Magnus’s lips which were busy to learn the plane of his neck, map every inch with his tongue. Magnus was moving so rapidly that Alec thought he’d lose his mind before anything even happens. “Magnus… prep… lube…”

“Who?” Magnus blew hot breath on his throat and changed sides.

“You.” Alec desperately wished his one leg wasn’t in a stupid cast so he’d just roll them and take charge and kiss the shit out of Magnus. Alec desperately needed to kiss Magnus, feel Magnus and his body. Magnus was distracting enough and his cock was throbbing.

“Oh okay.” Magnus sat up and looked at Alec. Both had their eyes blown in desire and lust. “How?”

“Move up.” Alec snaked an arm around Magnus’s waist and with another, he took the bottle of the lube that Magnus happily handed him. Alec took some in his fingers and pulled Magnus down holding his shoulder.

Magnus didn’t understand what was happening until Alec started to place open mouth kisses on his shoulder blade and sucked hotly. Magnus wrapped his arms around Alec’s head, cradling him and stretching his neck making sure Alec got enough space to kiss. Probably he desperately wanted Alec to mark him too, with his love. His long fingers weaved through Alec’s overgrown hair. He only flinched a minute or so later when Alec’s cold finger smothered with lube touched his entrance. Damn his mind went blank within a snap. His mouth went slack as he stretched on top of Alec. He only felt the pleasure as Alec’s finger pressed in and set a motion.

Magnus didn’t know what to do. He bit his lips but it wasn’t enough to stop his moans. He rocked against Alec brushing his cock against Alec’s stomach with the rhythm of the fingers inside him. He was worried he might be suffocating Alec in a position like that but he couldn’t voice his worry as his back arched and he had to throw his head back in pleasure. Alec’s fingers were doing wonders inside him. Magnus moved down a bit and tried to kiss Alec who helped him by arching his neck a bit. It was not like before. That kiss was rough and fighting to steal moans from each other. Magnus whined as he felt empty and cold suddenly. He sat up and looked at Alec who only gave him a crooked but shy smile. Magnus took the hint and adjusted his position so his entrance hovered over Alec’s rock hard cock.

“Magnus… just do it…” Alec whined as Magnus took pleasure of seeing him frustrated and taking time.

Alec steadied Magnus by his hips and Magnus placed his palms supporting himself right beside Alec’s shoulders. Alec helped by bucking his hip to push in. Magnus felt like he’d lose his balance from the pleasure and he did. Alec held him closer as Magnus slowly sat on him pushing till the end. They both closed their eyes and rested their forehead against each other savoring the feeling. Magnus was tight and clenching around Alec without meaning to. Alec moved his hip to test the waters and sure enough, Magnus moaned loudly in his neck and bit his shoulder. Alec was pretty much sure he’d be marked all over afterward.

Magnus started to move slowly, up and down riding Alec. They could see each other and they savored the feeling. Alec watched wide-eyed when Magnus’s spine arched like a cat even though they were still wearing their shirts. Alec reached and grabbed the collar to bring Magnus closer and slammed their lips together. The kiss was long, Alec moaning to no end. Magnus pushed his tongue in, ravishing his mouth. Alec again felt a sudden clenching in his chest but soon pleasure took over when Magnus moved a little roughly on his cock. Alec arched back breaking the kiss. Magnus took it as a chance to rediscover his neck. Alec reached down to take Magnus’s cock that was pressed between their bodies.

Magnus was kissing him, moving his hips, feeling him and Alec was stroking Magnus as much as his hand could move. Alec felt the pleasure. Magnus made him feel loved. And then he was choking. He was seeing stars but not from pleasure. He panicked. He squeezed Magnus’s cock which made Magnus moan loudly as he tapped Magnus’s shoulder once, twice and thrice. But Magnus kept kissing him. Alec wasn’t feeling pleasure anymore. His eyes were open, full-blown in fear instead of lust. He pushed Magnus’s shoulder roughly.

Magnus shot up and stopped moving. Alec heaved like a big stone was sitting on his chest. He hadn’t had a breathing problem during sex since years ago. That made Alec panic even more. He couldn’t breathe. Magnus wanted to move but Alec stopped him shaking his head asking him to not move. Magnus sat on him like that, scared and worried and watched Alec writhe beneath him trying to breathe.

 

“Alec… Alexander… what’s wrong? What happened?” worry was written all over Magnus’s face. “Oh God… oh no… what can I do, Alec?”

“Just. Don’t. Move.” Alec wheezed between breaths.

“But Alec, you’re…”

“Just… gimme… a moment.”

“Alec, you’re wheezing.”

“Just wait.”

“Okay.”

And they waited. Magnus couldn’t even dare to blink let alone move.

 

**125 – Let’s finish this**

“Alec, babe, you sure you don’t want me to move?” Magnus asked worried after waiting for a couple of minutes when the writhing subsided a little. Alec was still breathing roughly. He had his arms covering his face so Magnus couldn’t see his expression. “Hey… You okay?” Magnus moved his arms to see him breathing through mouth and eyes closed.

Alec only nodded in response.

“Why didn’t you tell me you weren’t feeling well? We didn’t need to do this right now. God damn it, Alec, when will you understand?” Magnus looked mad, suddenly enraged.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry okay. Let’s finish this.” Alec mumbled.

“Finish this?” Magnus quizzically looked at Alec still sitting on him until he understood what Alec meant; his palms flat on Alec’s chest feeling the frantic heartbeat underneath. “Hell, no. We are not… oh, Jesus…” he groaned.

Alec being the bastard he is twitched his cock inside Magnus and Magnus being the slave under Alec’s spell, felt it reigniting the heat in his belly.

“Alexander. Don’t.” Magnus closed his eyes trying to control his feelings.

“You don’t. Dare to move away.” Alec smiled sweetly. His breathing seemed to come back to normal.

“We shouldn’t be doing this now, Alec. You just had an attack. You should rest.” Magnus looked still worried.

“I need you.” Alec couldn’t stop staring at Magnus sitting on him like that, all tousled and sweaty and hard and eyes full of desire for him. “Don’t leave me, Magnus. I know you want me. I want you. So let’s just finish this. I swear I’m fine.”

Magnus narrowed his eyes. True, he wanted Alec. Damn, he needed Alec. But he also was worried.

“Please, Magnus. Don’t make our first time memorable like this.” Magnus looked pointedly. Alec knew Magnus was thinking about the night at his loft which felt like a lifetime ago. And thankfully Magnus didn’t retort something casually about it. Otherwise, it would’ve killed his mood anyway. “I want you, Magnus. I want to love you, feel you, all of you. Please, Magnus, love me.” He grabbed the front of Magnus’s shirt intending to pull him closer.

Magnus couldn’t stop himself when Alec begged and whined. He was feeling differently when Alec asked to love him. It sounded different than what their relationship was based on. It sounded better. Magnus didn’t know he was waiting to hear it until Alec said so. Magnus leaned down to love Alec, with everything he can give.

Alec sighed in relief as Magnus’s lips took hold of his again. It wasn’t even more than 10 minutes but Alec felt like he hadn’t kissed Magnus in years. He was so gone for Magnus. He let Magnus take the charge even though Magnus moved painfully slow as if Alec would break. They just wanted to savor it.

Magnus moved up and down slowly to find a comfortable pace and also to tease Alec. He wanted this feeling to last forever even though he couldn’t explain the feeling of having Alec under and inside him. It did things to his heart seeing Alec beneath him, undone and trusting him to take charge. He somehow knew it was different for Alec, if not completely new. Alec told Magnus about his past when he always took charge during sex because he needed to be in command when all of it was just sex and nothing else, no feelings involved.

But with Magnus, it was different. They were doing this out of love; feelings were the biggest part of it. It wasn’t just an act for them. It was to show each other how much they love and trust each other. It was supposed to be new for Alec. So Magnus wasn’t sure if Alec ever let anyone do what he was supposed to do to him at the moment. It was a leap of faith for Alec, an act of pure trust. The hint of fear in those hazel eyes made Magnus sure that he wasn’t wrong about it. It truly was the first time for Alec like this, at someone else’s mercy.

Moved by the sudden realization Magnus kissed Alec roughly but pulled away fast to let Alec breathe. Alec wasn’t happy about that and chased his lips. Magnus smiled at Alec pouting for a kiss and started to move a bit faster and both felt the heat and pleasure consuming them. Magnus was confused between letting his body arch away from Alec in pleasure or hold on to Alec and continue kissing. But surely Alec needed to breathe.

Alec moved into a comfortable position where he could easily meet Magnus’s movement and buck his hips at the same time pushing back giving Magnus the edge he needed. He moved his hands to wrap one around Magnus’s waist and the other to stroke his cock. If Alec was moaning Magnus’s name like a prayer, Magnus was purring Alec’s name like he didn’t know any other word. They moved in sync giving each other everything they need.

Alec rounded the tip of Magnus’s cock and squeezed and Magnus gasped.

“Alec… Alexander… Oh fuck… Babe… I’m close…” Magnus moaned in a deep raspy voice before Alec pressed the tip, stopping Magnus from releasing already. “Damn… let me come… Alexander…” he purred the ‘R’ at the end stretching his neck to the side.

Magnus didn’t mean to do that but Alec watched wide-eyed as he threw his head back and touched his own stretched neck. Magnus’s long fingers skimmed over his caramel skin and Alec just watched. He forgot everything seeing Magnus like that, stretching and touching himself in pleasure. Alec gasped when the other hand went under his shirt touching his abs. Alec didn’t mean to but he jerked forcefully inside Magnus. Damn, he wanted to touch Magnus like that. But seeing Magnus doing that to himself was like watching his ultimate fantasy unfolding. Alec groaned as his erratic hip movement hit Magnus’s sweet spot and Magnus slumped back on his chest. Instead of touching himself, Magnus’s fingers started to skim over Alec’s body, teasing him without any bound. Alec moved to hit Magnus’s spot again and again. Magnus grumbled incoherently which seemed like Alec’s name.

“Not yet, Mags… don’t come yet… let’s come together… please, Mags… just wait… couple more… come together… come with me…” Alec managed to come out of his shock of pure pleasure and moaned as Magnus leaned to kiss him.

Alec moaned in his mouth but Magnus didn’t stop kissing. Instead, he moved faster inhumanely until Alec gave a final push and Magnus screamed his name loudly as he spilled himself in his hands. Alec found his release at the same moment, spilling himself inside Magnus.  

A couple of minutes later when Magnus managed to open his eyes and look at Alec, he saw the man beneath him was completely out. His lips were slightly parted and swollen from Magnus’s rough kisses. His wayward hair stuck out everywhere and some stick to his forehead in the sweat. His limbs flailing outward like he was utterly spent. His chest was rising and sinking in a constant rhythm. Magnus couldn’t help but chuckle and hold Alec tightly before giving a light peck on his cheek when he heard Alec snoring softly.

“I love you, Alexander. I love you a lot.” Magnus was emotional and lay back in Alec’s arms like he had woken up a couple of hours ago. He pecked the side of Alec’s shoulder and stroked his cheek when he heard him whispering in sleep.

“Love you too, Mags.”

During the love-making, he didn’t notice when Alec started calling him ‘Mags’ again. Actually, he was so used to Alec calling him ‘Mags’ that when it changed to ‘Magnus’, it sounded different. A lone tear rolled out of the corner of his eyes. He never felt happier ever before in his life. He was sure about one thing that their love was stronger to conquer anything and everything. Magnus gave another kiss at Alec’s cheek before they both fell asleep together twisted in each other’s embrace.

 

_**To be continued...** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos are always much appreciated.


	6. Stage 6 – Reconstruction

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter consists of Part/Chapter-126 to Part/Chapter-150 of the Instagram posts.
> 
> Warning - Swear words and explicit words have been used in the chapter. Please note that none of the words are used to mean harm.  
> Warning - Trigger (Self and Inflicted harm)  
> Honestly, I'm terrible at this warning thing. So just bear with me, please.

**126 – Shirtless**

Alec woke up feeling fresh. He had a really good sleep after a long time, sleep without voices, whispers, dreams or nightmares. He felt like someone had wrapped him in a blanket of warmth, hope and good feelings that took all the nightmares away. He was feeling good, happy even. Although he felt like someone was staring at him.

Magnus had been awaked for a couple of minutes. He had already checked that it was way past breakfast time and well into lunch hours and his phone was charged out. He smiled understanding why Clary hadn’t textually murdered him already for being late on an important morning without any notice. They were supposed to work on the final designs of Cat’s and Ragnor’s wedding dress and suit. But he’d give up anything to have a morning like the one he was having with Alec. He mentally made a note to give that girl a raise and find an assistant for her. Better late than never. Without Clary, Magnus can’t even imagine how BANE would survive, especially in tough times like this.

He seldom had the pleasure of watching Alec sleep as he was the early riser. So he made the use of the moments gazing fondly at Alec’s angelic face. He woke up feeling hungry and remembering the morning he shared with Alec just 2 hours ago. Alec was fast asleep and didn’t even move a bit until he twitched. Magnus knew he was waking up.

Waking up beside Alec had its own perks, Magnus found that morning. Alec’s face was so calm and smiling when he slept. His pale skin glowed in the half-shadowed darkness of the room. His dark hair made a striking contrast to his skin. For one reason Magnus was fascinated by Alec’s hair. It never was tamed. His hair would just go everywhere they wished, giving a permanent look of winded. Magnus loved the feel of softness of his hair.

Alec was beautiful, not that Magnus needed to realize it again but seeing him drool and snore also was beautiful. Magnus assumed that’s what people call being in love. You love the person in any way possible. That person doesn’t have to make an effort to look beautiful to you. They’ll always seem as flawless as the love they share and you’ll always find them beautiful, no matter what.

Magnus was about to trace the shape of Alec’s nose and jaw when he blinked. He stared at Alec, holding his breath, for him to open his eyes. Magnus wanted to see the hazel orbs looking at him. And Magnus wasn’t disappointed. Moments later the hazel eyes bored into his chocolate browns. Alec smiled.

“Hi, Handsome” Magnus smiled as bright as Alec.

“Hi, Beautiful” Alec replied with an equally content smile and raspy voice. “Did I just fell asleep right after…” he trailed off suddenly and Magnus bit his lip to not laugh at Alec’s concerned and embarrassed look, “Aw… hell…” he groaned cutely and threw his hands over his face. Magnus didn’t stop himself anymore. He laughed.

“It’s okay, Love.” Magnus tugged at his hands to move them away, “I understand if you were tired. I didn’t mind.” Magnus blushed lightly when Alec looked up, “It was great actually. I loved it.”

“Yeah… me too… it was awesome.” Alec was blushing too.

“How do you feel?” Magnus asked blushing too.

“I feel… better. You?”

“Sore… but yeah, absolutely better.” Magnus smiled happily.

“I didn’t hurt you right?” Alec looked a bit concerned.

“No.” Magnus traced his fingers on Alec’s chin, something he wanted to do before Alec woke up, “Never. You can never hurt me.”

“You have too much confidence in me, Magnus, given that I’ve already hurt you a lot.” The mood wasn’t as brightened as before as the words sink in both of them.

Magnus bent down to rub his nose on Alec’s, taking him by surprise, “It’s in the past, Love. It’s time to move on, slowly. One step at a time, okay?”

Alec stared at Magnus for a moment too long deciding what he had done to deserve Magnus’s unconditional love. Sometimes it was too much for him, too suffocating. He drew a sudden breath and Magnus noticed the changes.

“Breathe, Alec. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not letting you doubt yourself again. I’ll be here, always.” Magnus gave Alec sweet pecks on his lips between each sentence. Alec didn’t know how to respond.

Somewhere in the back of Alec’s mind, a voice was constantly telling him that Magnus can’t promise that to him. Because then they both will be devastated and disappointed and hurt when one of them will break the promise. He personally knew the pain it brought him for breaking promises. He didn’t want Magnus promising him something that he may or may not be able to keep in future. He didn’t doubt Magnus’s love. But he wasn’t sure how he felt about the promises.

“Besides, waking up with you has its advantage huh?” Magnus teased noticing the change of atmosphere. The conversation was being too dark for a morning like that. He didn’t want to rile up Alec again before he had the chance to gather himself.

“I think I can say the same. We both have some advantage.” Alec teased back. “What time is it? I feel hungry.”

“It’s somewhere around noon. Do you wanna get up and have a shower maybe?” Magnus went to untangle himself from Alec who held him back.

“Not so fast, mister.” Alec held Magnus’s elbow firmly, “I want my morning kiss.”

“Did I just give you license to demand kiss anytime?” Magnus made a disbelieving face but his tone was playful.

“I believe you did. And now you have to put up with it.” Alec gave a full blowing smile. Magnus swooped down laughing lightly and kissed Alec softly on his lips. Alec made a content sound into the kiss. Magnus broke the kiss and pecked on his forehead before getting up.

“You don’t like being shirtless during… you know…” Magnus suddenly said blushing and sit cross-legged beside Alec.

Alec was a bit confused thinking what Magnus meant as he sat up a bit leaning on the backrest. “What do you mean?”

“We did it wearing our shirts.” Magnus pointed a finger between their chests. Alec looked down following the finger. “When we did it that night at my loft…” he gulped trying to assess Alec’s expression. They never talked about that night ever. “…You wore off yours but you never let me. Then also I wore my shirt. So I thought maybe you don’t like being shirtless.”

“Umm…” Alec was frowning and looking down at his shirt trying to think up a reason why they didn’t discard those. He knew he had a reason to not do it at Magnus’s loft. That night he was doing everything to hurt Magnus. But this time, it wasn’t like that. They were making love. They were showing love to each other. They shouldn’t be hiding in their shirt. Heck, Alec even wanted to see Magnus’s smooth caramel skin when he was touching himself. He wanted to see Magnus’s long deft fingers skimming over his chest and abs and throat. Even thinking about it made him shift uncomfortably and his cock to twitch. Then why didn’t he help Magnus to pull off his shirt, seemed like a pretty logical question.

“I think… I forgot.” Alec said meekly peering at Magnus who sat patiently like a child waiting for a proper response.

And Magnus’s expression said he wasn’t happy with Alec’s answer. So he tried again, “When I asked you to undress us… you only dropped your boxer. I followed you. I didn’t even notice the shirt was still there until you were bouncing up on me and touching yourself. And then I got so lost staring at you that I just… forgot.” He could still see Magnus at that moment. “You didn’t try to get off your shirt either or pull off mine. So I just didn’t care.”

 

**127 – I love you anyway I can get you**

Magnus frowned first; then his expression changed to amazement, “You liked watching me touching myself so much that you forgot I was still wearing my shirt?”

Alec didn’t understand why it was even a question. So he replied with a snort, “Don’t sell yourself short, Magnus.”

He narrowed his eyes when Magnus cocked at his head at him, listening intently. “Have you looked at yourself? Your body? Do you know why I couldn’t stop staring at you when you danced at the club?” He reached to hold Magnus’s hand and pull him closer, “It’s not only because you’re a dancing god. It’s also because you’re freaking fucking sexy, Magnus. You’re like a Greek god with caramel skin and chocolate brown eyes. You are the only one who has the ability to set me on fire and make my heart burst out my chest at the same time with just a simple look and smile. You’re beautiful. You’re amazing. And you blow my mind away, Magnus. And all because I love you.”

Alec didn’t have to think twice the words. They poured out of him like exhaling. And Magnus was taken aback. He didn’t know until then how Alec felt about him because Alec never used his words like that before. Magnus wanted to smile but he ended up blushing furiously. “You’re overdoing it.”

“You know what I love more than that?” Alec asked cocking his eyebrow. He loved to see that blush betraying Magnus moment by moment. He felt good knowing that he caused that blush.

“There’s more?” Magnus suddenly looked up at Alec who felt like his breath hitched.

Alec nodded slightly before speaking, “Yes there is. Your eyes.”

“What about my eyes?” Magnus was probably frowning or something but Alec couldn’t focus on anything else other than those eyes. He sat up and placed his hands to cup Magnus’s face.

“Your eyes are the best, Magnus. Cause I’ve never seen anything more exquisite than them. They make me feel drunker than a full bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. Hell, they can even give Marsala or Vermouth a run for the money.” Magnus marveled at Alec’s ability to keep a straight face.

“That’s… Alec…” Magnus chuckled softly when he understood the comparison. He vaguely thought that it may not be a good thing to tell Alec at the moment that he’s got a weakness for Vermouth.

“Shh…” Alec cut Magnus’s blushing protest, “I don’t know if anyone ever told you this or not. But your eyes are the most beautiful thing about you. They are captivating… hypnotizing even. You remember you used to wear glitter eye-shadows at the club?” he was still talking but Magnus gave a slight nod. “I used to love how they used to bring out the depth of your eyes. But I love them more without the shadows, I’d say. Without them, they’re crystal clear… like mirror, sharp, penetrating… like you could see my soul if you want to. Your eyes always reflect your feelings, even when you try to hide them. Another reason I love to look at these molten chocolate brown eyes.”

Alec was slowly brushing the skin under the eyes with his thumbs. Magnus took a sharp breath. They never broke off the gaze. “You like me wearing glitter? I thought you called me ‘Glitter boy’ just to annoy me…”

“I didn’t like that when you wore that to impress others, or to flirt. I liked it when you wore bright colors to match your mood. Nowadays I only see you in boring office clothes.”

“You like me wearing those glittery clothes? But I only wear them at the club.” Magnus had a sudden giddy feeling inside his chest.

“And those tight pants… those butt showing tight super snug fit jeans you used to wear.” Alec chuckled remembering them, “God they were killer.” Magnus didn’t know why he was smiling so much. “I always saw you at the club. So I was used to seeing you in glitters all the time. Maybe that’s why I miss them since you don’t wear them anymore. You’re not a dull person like me, Magnus. You should wear colorful clothes whenever you like. Don’t let me change that for you.”

“You didn’t change me, Alec.” Magnus reciprocated Alec’s gesture, cupping his face as well. “I still love wearing them but just don’t find any reason anymore.” He noticed Alec’s face falling at that. “Hey… it’s not about you, okay? But since you asked so nicely, maybe I’ll start wearing them again. Maybe I can use those shirts to wear at the office. They won’t look weird being tucked in and teamed with a half jacket right?” and he was lost in his head.

“I don’t know, Mags. It’s your forte.” Alec smirked.

“Well then, are you done making me weak on the knees?” Magnus smirked playfully.

Alec laughed lightly, “I mean it, Mags, believe me.” He said spontaneously, “I loved you then. I love you now. If anything didn’t change over this time, it’s how I feel about you. And please don’t think I’m praising because I love you. You are beautiful, Magnus. There’s nothing I’d change about you. You’re absolutely stunningly beautiful.”

“All yours,” Magnus whispered before kissing Alec softly.

Alec was breathless when they broke. He stared at Magnus glassy-eyed and smiling like a loon as Magnus untangled himself from his embrace and got up. He didn’t have anything to reply to those two words. They only made him feel loved and unworthy at the same time. He only hoped their love was strong enough to make him see past his self-abhorrence. That Magnus’s faith was strong enough to save him from himself.

“Now get up. Lemme run you a shower first then I’ll cook something.” Magnus got up and remembered that they didn’t even clean themselves afterward and the bedding was ruined. Alec stared dubiously as Magnus walked into the bathroom only in his bright purple t-shirt. “Stop staring at my ass, Alec. And get up.” Magnus yelled before getting into the bathroom leaving the door open knowing very well Alec’s eyes never left him.

“Scratch what I said before. Your ass is what I love about you most.” Alec yelled back laughing and got the same purple t-shirt that Magnus was wearing, thrown at him.

Half an hour later, Magnus was freshly showered and wrapped in his fluffy towel robes. He helped Alec to the bathroom. Alec sat on the toilet seat while Magnus filled the tub. He stretched to look at the mirror and rubbed his hands on his cheeks.

“You want a shave?” Magnus asked arching an eyebrow and following Alec’s hand rubbing on his cheek.

“A trim would do maybe,” Alec said absentmindedly swiping his overgrown hair from his forehead. “Do you like my beard or you like me clean shaved?”

“I love you anyway I can get you, Babe.” Magnus chuckled seeing Alec caring about his appearance for the first time in life, maybe. “But yes, you need a bit of grooming.”

“You can do it.” Alec was still staring at the mirror when Magnus approached him with a roll of cling film. “Aaahh… Hell, no…” Alec protested, “I really need this bandage to go away. It’s been more than 3 weeks. Michael wants to torture me or what?” he groaned.

“Well, Michael may cut you some slack if you listen to him. He said you’d need the bandage for 6 weeks at least. Now do you want a proper bath or should I give you a sponge one?” Magnus held the roll of cling-film in front of Alec. He knew very well by now that Alec hated sponge bath. Alec snatched the roll out of his hand and started to wrap it over the bandage on his leg swearing constantly at Michael.

“Can you at least help me wash my hair? This looks really bad.” Alec swiped his fingers through his hair brushing it backward. In his faded black t-shirt, it gave Alec a wayward band boy look. Magnus tilted his head and watched Alec scratching his chin before coming to his senses that he was lusting over his own boyfriend. Michael had removed the bandage from his head a couple of days ago and replaced it with a big waterproof plaster that covered the side of the temple only. Magnus could give him a quick wash.

 

**128 – The boy who lost**

Alec sat on a stool with his back to the sink and Magnus stood beside. He watched carefully as Alec stretched and wore off his t-shirt. He leaned backward resting his shoulder on the edge of the sink and tipping his head back only wearing his faded blue shorts. Magnus could understand the position might get uncomfortable soon but Alec didn’t seem to mind. The hazel eyes were staring at him when he licked his lips gazing at Alec’s stretched neck, his Adam’s apple on full view and moving more frequently, his veins taut and showing. Alec raised a hand to snap his fingers in front of Magnus’s slightly parted lips bringing him back to reality. Alec chuckled lightly seeing Magnus out of his sorts.

“Can we get on with it, please?” Alec asked politely as brown eyes darted down to his lips and back up to his eyes. He was smirking at Magnus for his blatant staring.

“Yes… yes.” Magnus gulped hastily thinking why every time Alec’s natural beauty gets to him. He had never thought about Alec like the way the man had explained his beauty just an hour or so ago but he knew very well how absolutely stunning Alec is. Magnus had never used his words to express it to Alec and tried to show it through his gestures but he was appalled thinking that Alec is the one who can’t use his words even to save his life said such beautiful things about him. And Magnus, who’s known as the most talkative person among his friends, can’t find words to express his love and praise Alec’s beauty.

Another realization hit Magnus when they both were smiling at each other softly, giving each other shy looks. Magnus realized that life would be always happy, funny, interesting even sexy and happening as long as Alec would be let to avoid his past. Without that dark cloud looming above them, Alec is quite a free soul, or maybe a soul trying to be free with Magnus’s help. If only Magnus would accept to forget Alec’s past and never talk about it then probably a life with Alec would be like this, like that moment, where both of them are happy and having a normal morning like two normal people in a relationship. But then also nothing about them was normal.

Magnus picked up Alec’s favorite sandalwood shampoo bottle that he had introduced to him. He set it aside and opened the tap. Using his hands Magnus wetted Alec’s hair methodically. Alec lay there with his eyes closed and sighing deeply.

“What?” Magnus asked.

“What?” Alec opened his eyes to look at Magnus.

“Why sighing so deep?”

“Oh…” Alec moved his eyes away. His one arm snaking at Magnus’s waist holding him close. Even though Magnus was working on his hair, he liked to steal glances at the man, smiling at each other like it’s a common gesture between them and they were not taking a giant leap of faith, “… Nothing”

“Alec… I know when it’s not ‘nothing’. Just say it okay?” Magnus was rubbing Alec’s hair with the shampoo.

“I was thinking.” Alec had his eye closed again.

“About what?” Magnus enquired.

“About how much you know.”

“Know about what?”

“Everything… the story… the giant elephant in the room that I’d give anything to avoid.”

“Alec…”

“But I think it is better, that we talk. Maybe it’ll help both of us… like you always say. And also I have to apologize to you.”

Magnus stopped working his fingers. They were still in Alec’s hair under a quite amount of shampoo foam. He looked at Alec questioningly, “Apologize? For what?”

Alec’s eyes snapped open as he realized Magnus’s fingers immobile in his hair, “About your parents. About what I did to them. And to you.” Their eyes met in an intense gaze.

Swiftly Magnus washed his hands and stood in front of Alec, between his legs which made Alec sit up. Water drops and foam dripping down his ears and jaws. “Listen to me, Alexander… and listen to me very carefully when I say this.” Magnus squared his shoulder to look more serious. Alec stared at him wide-eyed. “And get it inside of your thick skull and understand… I don’t blame you. I never blamed you for what happened to my parents. I always knew… one way or other… call it guts… but I knew it couldn’t be you. I somehow knew that you were either made to do it or you were made to take the fall. I knew you paid for someone else. And at some point, my parents made mistakes too. I’m not saying that they deserved to die but… my mom cheated on my dad… she had an affair… and probably she’d never tell dad if she didn’t get pregnant… my dad trusted people too easily and too much… that’s not good while doing business…”

“Magnus…” Alarmed by the direction of the conversation Alec started but was stopped by a raised palm of Magnus.

“I don’t know what made dad think that he can trust Robert even though he’d had a secret affair with mom. I wish dad was a bit wiser. I wish mom hadn’t done what she did. I wish they were happy with each other. But they weren’t. They were the perfect power couple for the world. But inside the house, they didn’t even talk to each other properly without any reason. Most of the days I’d sit on the dining table alone and wait for them to come and join me until my appetite would just be gone and I’d walk out of the home. People think I had a perfect life with them. In some way I did… I was never in want of anything. They supported me with everything, even with my sexuality. They weren’t exactly proud or happy. But they didn’t hate it either. They were… accepting… understanding.”

Magnus had stopped looking at Alec a while ago. He was staring at the mirror over Alec’s head. But Alec couldn’t stop staring at Magnus. Truly, looks can be deceiving. He remembered how the media had portrayed the Bane family after The Banes’ death, _“Perfect family not so perfect anymore”_. Magnus was described as _“The boy who lost everything in business rivalry”_ , _“The living victim of a car accident or sabotage”_. Alec had felt the helplessness chocking him when he had seen the flushed face of the Asian looking boy with brown eyes and unruly hair on the newspaper.

“I was happy with them, yes. But did I miss them after their death? To be honest, no. I missed the life I had. That was my struggle. I wanted that back more than I was devastated about them. With them, I never cared about a family or love. But after they were gone, I realized that I didn’t want the posh life they gave me. I wanted them to love me. I wanted a good night kiss. I wanted a family dinner at home. I wanted to watch Super bowl with dad. I wanted mom to be at the parent-teacher meeting at school. Instead, they gave me everything that money could buy and thought it was enough.”

The melancholy in Magnus’s voice was cutting deep in Alec. “Maybe that’s why when Robert took dad’s company away, I didn’t protest. The company never mattered to me. It was never mine. I knew I was capable enough to make it on my own. And I did it. I achieved back the life I had before. I own one of the most luxurious lofts in the whole of Brooklyn. But I’ve never felt more homely there than I feel here, with you.” Alec’s heart skipped a beat, “That’s why I’d never leave you, Alec. Because you gave me the love I searched for my whole life.”

Magnus finally looked at Alec. His eyes glazed over but he wasn’t about to cry or something. Alec was too stunned to say anything. Magnus placed his hands over Alec’s chin to wipe the dripping foam. “Whatever happened to my parents… I have accepted all of it a long time ago. I was glad when Robert was put away, sure. But I never stopped thinking about you, the boy who died to pay the price for his doing. More than the loss of my parents, I was sad about that boy. And for that, I’m sorry, Alexander. If it wasn’t for my parents, maybe you’d never be forced to face whatever you did.”

 

**129 – Apologies**

“Shut up, Magnus…” Alec hissed through his teeth and pushed Magnus’s hands away. He was shaking. He didn’t understand why but he felt something boiling inside him. He felt a nasty feeling when Magnus apologized. How could Magnus apologize? It was wrong… it turned so wrong so easily. “Just… shut up. You’re not helping me here. What the fucking hell are you even apologizing for?” Alec was shaking so much that Magnus had to place his hands on his shoulders.

“Alec… Don’t beat yourself for that anymore, please, at least not about my parents. Their death… it’s not on you.” Magnus softly murmured. He caressed Alec’s cheeks, hoping to calm him down. But yelling Alec was scarier than any other Alec.

“And let you apologize for losing your parents? Are you fucking kidding me here? I get it that your life with them wasn’t exactly as perfect as people said but that doesn’t mean their death was justified or my crime was any less. However, they were… they were your parents… you loved them… no matter what.” Alec was almost screaming at Magnus.

“Then you shouldn’t feel guilty too for what Robert made you do. You were just a kid.” Magnus said sternly.

“I was 15 and I had my choice. I chose to trust him blindly. I chose to not let Max go to his friend’s place that night. I chose to tamper with the car.” Alec’s voice was shaking.

“And if you hadn’t done that Robert would’ve got someone else to do something else. He’d harm Max. You didn’t have a choice. You didn’t know the consequences. It’s not on you, Alec.”

“It is on me. He is my father. I listened to him. I obeyed him and I disobeyed him. It is fucking on me. And what love you’re talking about? What relationship?” Alec had a wild look in his eyes, “I hurt you… all the time… I never gave anything that you deserve… we never had a proper relationship… we were never exactly a couple in love… You moved in to take care of me… For Heaven’s sake, Magnus, I gave you more trouble than you ever deserved. I am one selfish bastard for letting you stay and accept the unconditional love you gave me. What did I give you instead?” Alec shoved Magnus’s hands away when he tried to reach. Thankfully he didn’t get up. “I ran away rather than trying to talk. This… what we have… how can you call it love? I used you, Magnus… don’t you understand that? I fucking am the killer of your parents… why the fuck you love me? Why the hell do you care for me? What have I given you ever?”

Magnus wanted to reach him again. Alec again swatted his hands away. But this time Magnus was determined to reach Alec, hold him. Even though Alec kept tackling his hands, Magnus managed to hold his wrists. He went closer and sat on his lap. Alec fought and twisted to free his hands but Magnus understood how feeble those twists were. Magnus placed Alec’s hands on his chest and held them there. He cocked his head to make Alec look at him.

“Because I forgave you for all the hurt. Because we hurt them who we love the most, Alexander.” Alec gave a snorting laugh at Magnus, “Because I always knew you’re innocent. Because you didn’t kill my parents, no, I never believed that, no matter who says what. Because I know Robert made you do all that. Because you paid a bigger price than I did. Because you were made to lose Max. Because you were made to leave your family, walk away from your responsibilities. Because you deserve love too. You deserve to be loved. Because I understand you. And for what you’ve given me?” Magnus paused for Alec to look at him, “You’ve given me yourself. You’ve given me the man I love. You’ve given me my Alexander. And because… above of all…” Magnus let go of his hands and placed his hands to hold Alec’s face, “I love you.”

“It’s not the answer to my question, Magnus. It’s not love. It’s pity.” Alec half shouted.

“I do not pity you, for Heaven’s sake. Stop thinking like that.” Magnus yelled too and stood up from his lap.

“Then tell me why you love me? Why did you fall for me? When we met in Pandemonium, when you first proposed me, you didn’t know me. You didn’t know who I am. You didn’t know anything about me. Then why did you propose me then? Why did you love me then?” The hazel of his eyes was so powerful that it seemed like they were ablaze.

“I…” Magnus gulped. He didn’t know what to say because he never exactly pondered exactly what about Alec made him fall in love. He just always knew that he loved Alec and he needed Alec. He just knew in his heart that he fell for Alec without any potent reason. It just happened to him. “I don’t know.”

“You don’t know…” Alec snorted.

“I never had a reason, Alec. I never needed a reason to fall in love with you. I just knew I love you. And I want you in my life as a part of my life. I just know that I want to share my life with you. I don’t believe it’s called pity. I’m not here with you because I pity you or my feelings for you changed since I got to know you. No, my feelings are still the same as it was all those years ago when I met you in Pandemonium. It’s only gotten stronger than that day. It grew. And not in a way you’re implying. And right now as you’ve so blatantly made me realize that I never had a reason, I don’t know the exact moment I fell in love with you… it makes my belief more potent than ever. It only makes my love stronger, Alexander. Because now I know my love truly is just love. It’s not based on any condition. It’s not caused by any single action. It… just… happened.” Magnus breathed loudly. He was shaking slightly. But he managed to keep his voice under control and not shout and yell at Alec.

Alec looked down as a few tears slipped his eyes. Magnus sat on his lap again and hugged him tightly. It didn’t matter when Alec pushed his face into Magnus’s chest and they both got dirty with shampoo. It only mattered to Magnus that Alec placed his arms around his waist and held him close. He rested his chin on Alec’s head. “And for our relationship… Yes, it didn’t start as a traditional romantic relationship but can you deny that you love me? Because I know you do, Alec. Everything doesn’t have to make sense all the time. It’s okay to have something in an unconventional way. We both don’t have a conventional upbringing. We both didn’t lead a normal life. Why should our relationship be any different huh? I love it how it is. Because I have it with you. I don’t need or want anything else.”

“Magnus… don’t.” Alec was still shaking with rage.

“No, Alec. If it’s the last thing I’ll make you believe then so be it. But I’ll make you believe this.” Magnus said sternly.

“Just… never ever say sorry for losing your parents. It’s wrong. They loved you. You love them. They didn’t deserve what I did to them. Please… just don’t put it on my conscience anymore. Please, Magnus. I won’t be able to listen to you say sorry because I fucking killed them. Just… don’t.”

Alec was practically hissing, screaming and yelling all at the same time. But thankfully Alec was still sitting, in Magnus’s embrace. Otherwise, he’d have to worry about getting the soap everywhere on the floor and Alec slipping on it. Shampoo foam was covering Alec’s broad shoulder and dripping down to his chest and back but they only glared at each other, defying each other, daring each other to say more. Magnus could see the untamed rage in Alec’s eyes that his words brought. Even before everything happened they never had a chance to talk about his parents. And now Magnus knew why Alec never brought up that topic. But Magnus needed to tell someone how he felt about his parents, how untrue all those things were that people said about him and his family. Alec seemed like the only person to understand but maybe Magnus said a bit too much for Alec to accept.

 

**130 – Like paper love**

 “If it wasn’t for your parents, I wouldn’t have a chance to escape, Magnus.” Alec murmured after a couple of seconds of silence.

“What?”

“You seem to know a lot about the story.”

“What are you talking about?” Magnus was confused.

“I guess Valentine told you about Hodge?”

 Alec looked at Magnus who just nodded.

“He was there that night. He was there to see if I did what Dad told me to do. If I hadn’t done that, he would’ve. And then he’d do something to Max. I knew it was a mistake. I didn’t know what I was doing. I just followed Dad’s instructions. I didn’t know it was supposed to fail the brake. I just wanted to do the right thing. I was scared for Max when I saw Hodge there. But then what? Max died anyway. And to think it was supposed to be me.”

“Wait… you knew Hodge started the fire?” Magnus couldn’t think straight anymore.

“Why else would he stay there then after your parents left?” Alec shook his head thinking about it, “I knew Dad wanted to kill me. Even if it wasn’t then, he’d find a way to kill me anyway. He hated me for being gay. Running away… making the deal was the last thing I could do for myself… especially after mum begged me.”

“Your mom knew?”

“The night before I left… Dad and I made the deal. He’d tell everyone that I died and I’ll keep my mouth shut forever. I’ll go away from their life and save him from the disgrace of having a gay son. And he’d keep Jace and Izzy safe. He accepted the deal.”

“How does your mom fit into it? She knew what happened?”

“She knew Dad had an affair. She didn’t know who. After the accident she tried to find some links, I think, on her own. But she was too devastated after losing Max. It was too much for everyone. Just like Jace and Izzy, mum was blaming me too. And I knew she was right. I should’ve been a better brother to be able to protect him. After all, the fire was for me. Max was never supposed to be a part of it. But she knew Dad was planning something… something big… for me. It was enough for mum to come into my room at midnight and ask me to leave and never come back. I already had a packed bag under my bed, ready to leave at dawn. I had already made the deal with Dad. I had already made up my mind to leave. Mum, out of love or hatred, only made it easier for me.” Alec closed his eyes and pressed his face in Magnus’s chest more. Magnus sat dumbfounded and shocked cradling Alec.

“I’m sorry, Magnus. I am sorry for everything. I’m really sorry for hurting you. I never meant to hurt anyone. I didn’t know your parents would die, Magnus. I would’ve killed myself if that could’ve saved your parents… if that could’ve saved Max… I’m sorry… please, Magnus… forgive me…” Alec broke into another silent sob. Both of their hands were tightening their grips on each other as if they don’t want to let go.

“Alec… shh… shh… it’s alright… it’s alright, babe… it's okay…”

Magnus held the shaking Alec in his arms. But all he could think about was Alec still didn’t know what happened to Maryse. It bothered him how easy it was for Alec to call Robert as Dad. Robert was anything but their dad. None of the siblings deserve a father like him, a deceiving and cunning bastard. Maryse didn’t deserve a mad man like him as a husband.

“It’s not okay, Magnus. It’s really not okay. I should’ve been there with them when Dad got arrested. I should’ve been there to tell them the truth. But they knew me as dead. They moved on. They carried on with their life. And I couldn’t just take their happiness away again.” Alec murmured.

“You want to meet them? Jace and Izzy,” Magnus asked still holding him close and feeling his body shaking.

“I shouldn’t.” the reply came after a few seconds late.

“What do you want? What does your heart want?”

“I… don’t… know.”

And after that nobody said anything because Magnus knew very well that Alec was dying to meet his family. But he was too stubborn to accept that.

It was news for Magnus that Maryse knew what happened and she tried to do something for Alec in some way. He was sure that Jace and Izzy didn’t know about it either. He hoped when Alec would be ready they’d be able to tell him about Maryse. He felt Alec needed to know it, he deserves to know about his mom. Maybe then he’d understand that Robert wasn’t worthy of being called ‘Dad’ by him anymore.

A parent is supposed to protect their children, look after them, accept their choices and support them. A parent isn’t supposed to plan to how to murder their own child because they have different sexual preference than others. A parent isn’t supposed to use their children’s inability to stand up for themselves or protect themselves or abuse their trust in their parents for their dirty work. Robert didn’t deserve to be Alec’s dad.

“Can I finish it now? I think you’ve had that shampoo for too long.” Magnus spoke gently as Alec calmed down a bit. Alec only nodded and Magnus stood up. Alec winced.

“It hurts right? I sat for too long. I’m sorry. I didn’t notice.” Magnus gave a sad look when Alec started to rub his knee.

“It’s the least bit of pain you can give me, Magnus. It’s nothing. I’m fine.” With that, Alec leaned back again and closed his eyes.

Magnus noticed the flushed cheeks, red ears and nose, the ghastly look and the stains under those eyes. Alec opened his eyes when he felt Magnus wiping his face clean with a wet hand. They stared at each other but didn’t say anything. Magnus finished washing his hair and helped him to the bathtub. Alec sat on the stool again while Magnus helped him to a bath without wetting his bandages.

Magnus helped Alec to wear some t-shirt and loose shorts and put him on the bed before having another quick shower. He stood there thinking whatever Alec told him about his mother. Alec’s reaction when he told him about his parents was something quite unexpected to Magnus. He couldn’t help but think how every conversation with Alec always ended up as a roller coaster ride of emotions. Their happy morning, the love and sweetness they shared didn’t seem like a part of same morning anymore.

Emotionally, Magnus was exhausted. It was one thing to finally be free enough to talk about his parents. But it was completely another thing to talk about it to Alec and endure his reactions. Magnus was worried about how long he’d be able to keep up with Alec’s mood and reactions. And how long before a fight like this become more frequent. And how long before they both are spent more than enough to fight for each other anymore. He had to ask himself if it was their first fight or just the beginning of many more to come in future. The thought scared Magnus. He didn’t want to fight Alec.

When Magnus was out of the shower again he was too tired to cook lunch for them. Alec took the opportunity to call his favorite pizza place. He was literally happy when Magnus didn’t protest to have pizza for lunch. After all, it was a long since Alec got to eat pizza. His ever-changing mood scared Magnus again. Alec just got happy, just like that, by ordering pizza. Magnus shook his head in disbelief that the man was screaming and yelling and mad at him just an hour or so ago.

They were sitting on the sofa and waiting for the delivery. Alec had his legs stretched on the couch and leaned on Magnus who stretched his legs on the center table. He avoided talking again seeing Alec in good mood again. He had his laptop on his lap typing, squinting and frowning, exchanging long emails with Clary and working on the latest designs to finalize for the upcoming wedding of his best friends while Alec played with his phone. The music player was on in the background when all of a sudden Magnus heard the humming and light whistling.

Magnus listened to the lyrics intently because the music was playing on low volume. Probably Alec didn’t realize but he was humming perfectly to a new song from Magnus’s playlist. Magnus vaguely realized it’s his current favorite song. But he instantly recognized it when Alec put it on replay. The faded whistles started the song followed by a woman’s voice.

This time Magnus heard half-clear, garbled lyrics from Alec, “All the noise… hmmm… about you…”

Magnus watched Alec, eyes closed and swaying to the music lightly, “…Bad things when you kiss me oh… hmm… hmmm… sad song, warm occasion… hmm… hmm… stretching out the time…”

Magnus loved this song because the lyrics somehow reminded him of Alec. But more than anything Magnus was stunned to hear Alec humming, singing bits and pieces and whistling here and there. It wasn’t exactly singing but it was something and Magnus loved it, he was mesmerized.

“Come on watch my heart turn to pulp… like paper paper-paper… paper love…” Alec sang the final strain.

How easily Alec’s moods change from raging to humming, will always be a mystery to Magnus.

 

**131 – Baby steps**

It’s been a week since that morning. Magnus had been busy at the office. Alec was at the home recovering. Or so they both thought.

Michael stopped going after Alec about Magnus since one night at dinner Alec literally had enough of pestering. He burst and said, “Damn you, Michael. I have had sex with him after a good talk one fine morning and a… well that’s none of your business.” Magnus knew Alec was about to say “a fight” or something similar but internally he thanked Alec for not saying that. Michael was embarrassed anyway. Magnus didn’t want Michael to have a reason to pester at him.

“We are fine, Michael. Seriously… just drop it.” It was enough from Alec to shut up Michael. Though there was a gleam of happiness in Michael’s eyes, Alec talking about their solitary morning together like that, so open and casual made Magnus blush furiously.

After that dinner, Lydia promised Magnus while she was helping him to do the dishes that she’d stop Michael from coming and check on them every night, which much to Magnus’s good fortune had subtly changed to ‘almost every night’ due to Alec’s bluntness. She was genuinely happy to see both of them happy, moving on together. Maybe Lydia was right, maybe it was time for Michael to back off a bit and stow his ‘protective brother’ side for some time and let Magnus take on the role… surely not as a brother, but as a loving, caring and understanding boyfriend.

Magnus was more than happy to sleep wrapped up in Alec’s arms. They both thought it was better to take a break from trying to talk and give each other some time to recover from their last and first fight. They made a habit of it since that morning. Nobody wanted to sleep on their own side of the bed alone anymore.

Alec took the first initiative that same night by scooting closer to Magnus. Next morning Magnus had woke up with Alec staring at him like always and their limbs tangled. The kisses were there; even more, heated ones came quite easily. There were magnificent make outs on the couch while cartoons played on the TV. For some reason which Magnus didn’t understand but Alec loved watching cartoons and laughing like a child. For that careless laugh alone Magnus let Alec watch the cartoon.

Sex though was different. There was teasing each other as well as whenever Magnus was giving Alec a bath. They caught each other many times eying the stool or the spot in front of the mirror where they had the heated conversation. It made both of them feel awkward but they still weren’t ready to talk again. Magnus was more disappointed that the title of their ‘first time together’ didn’t change. It still remained their “solitary sex/first time.” He didn’t wanna come off like the horny or the desperate one even though he could feel the intensity of their sexual tension, always looming over them. He knew he could’ve used something more than steamy make outs on the sofa and spooning every night. And he desperately hoped things would improve soon.

 

On the other hand, Alec was getting bored out of his mind being holed up in the apartment every day when Magnus left for office. He was in desperate need to do something. Magnus, being the only distraction in his life, Alec really missed him during the day. But he didn’t want to impose himself on Magnus more than he needed to. His pride was poking its nose in between. He didn’t want to take Magnus away from his work, from something he loves and enjoys to do.

Alec was happy when things started to get more normal between them. They could talk about anything and everything except what they needed to talk about. They laughed together at the breakfast and dinner. He got habituated with Magnus’s health-conscious cooking. He’d read aloud sports news or some interesting book while Magnus would be busy in the kitchen. They’d listen to new songs together and enjoy each other’s company or watch movies in free time. They’d kiss, they’d make out and they’d tease and love each other endlessly and enjoy it.

But Alec started missing Magnus when every morning he was subjected to watch him get ready for office. He didn’t want to accept it at first but it started bothering him. It became worse when Magnus took up his suggestion and started wearing his glittery shirts with thankfully less tight jeans and jackets to the office. Otherwise, he’d do anything to keep Magnus locked up at home with him. So Alec only stared and imagined how much he’d love to strip Magnus out of those clothes than watch him put them on.

His possessiveness regarding Magnus and how handsome he is scared him. He constantly told himself that he shouldn’t feel like that for Magnus having a job or for being such handsome; for simply being who he is. After all, Alec himself left all the jobs and wasn’t in a situation to work at the moment.

A constant nagging thought poked at his head that Magnus would be bored with him soon. In the outside world, there will be a lot of people to praise Magnus and help him to get over Alec. There will be people who would give Magnus more than he’s able to give, everything that Magnus deserves, love, attention and all. He knew his insecurity about Magnus being handsome, self-sufficient, independent and smart and all was just simply his insecurity and moot. But he couldn’t stop himself imagining Magnus having a great time at the office, away from Alec, meeting new people who shared his thoughts and ideas. He knew he was just only torturing himself thinking like that because Magnus proved his love to him time and again. There was no reason for him to think that Magnus would leave him by choice. But he also knew the world. He knew how people can be tempted. He didn’t want to doubt Magnus but he knew he wouldn’t be shocked if someday Magnus would move on from him. After all, Magnus is a human too, he has his needs too.

 

After drowning himself in the guilt of being emotionally incompetent to support Magnus, Alec started making sacrifices, if not torture himself on a different level. He started to find new songs to sing, probably a perfect one for Magnus. He started fiddling with his camera, just to keep his mind busy. Not the one Magnus found in the box. But the one Lydia and Madzie had gifted him on their wedding day as it was also his birthday as well. But still, it wasn’t enough. After a couple of hours, Alec would get bored anyway. So he thought of the ultimate thing. He started to teach himself to walk again.

Michael had told him that it’d come back to him easily once his leg would be completely healed but Alec wasn’t having any of it. He missed his freedom. He wanted to walk again. He wanted to be able to stand and take a proper shower like he used to. He was tired of Magnus helping him all the time. Not because he didn’t like Magnus helping him but because he didn’t like Magnus being at his beck and call all the time. He hated being dependent on Magnus for every little thing being independent all his life. And it didn’t make him feel better that Magnus never complained.

A couple of times he fell badly but didn’t even dare to mention them to Magnus. A few days later he could take a few steps with the crutches. The stinging pain, whenever he put too much pressure on his injured leg, helped him to concentrate on something else than the utter silence of the apartment.

Alec very much needed to get out of the apartment. The empty brain was getting to him. His empty mind was starting to play tricks on him, mostly toying with his new found confidence about Magnus. He wanted to impress Magnus, show him that he can do things on his own. He wanted to take the load off from Magnus of being busy for him all the time. He wanted to keep Magnus all to himself forever. He wanted Magnus to stay with him and be his forever. He wanted Magnus to be proud of him. He wanted to be there for Magnus, strong and supporting. His insecurity was working overtime already.

But that evening when Magnus came home a bit earlier than usual, things turned bad again.

 

**132 – A little bit of cheating**

Alec had received a very weird text message from Cat a couple of days ago. He was questioning himself at first if he had ever promised something like that but he remembered he did. Cat was cashing on her favor. But to be honest, Alec was actually happy with the distraction it served him.

He was happy about that evening until just after lunch his try to walk by himself had massively backfired on him. He looked in the mirror checking his face and he knew Magnus would really be mad at him. But he pushed aside his thoughts and sat on the couch with his laptop, revising his research. He sent a text to confirm the time and then he waited. He was using his wheelchair again to avoid any other accidents. He went to change just before the time of the meeting and changed into a full sleeve wine red t-shirt borrowed from Magnus and an oversized khaki three quarter just to look presentable. By the time he was ready, the doorbell rang.

“Thanks for coming in such short notice. Come on in.” Alec smiled brightly opening the door.

“Good to see you too, Alec.” The man smiled and walked after him. “But I wasn’t hoping to see you on a wheelchair.” The smile faltered a bit with a hint of worry.

“Yeah… Sorry about this.” Alec gestured at the couch for the man to sit after placing the big crate he was carrying on the center table. Alec noticed a simple flower bouquet was on it too.

“You can take off the coat if you want. It’s quite hot in here.” Alec smiled apologetically and showed him the stand beside the door. He watched the man shrugging out of his coat and hanging it neatly. Inside he wore a simple blue buttoned-down shirt and jeans.

“Here… this is for you.” The man gave the bouquet to Alec, “You have a nice place here, Alec.” He looked around when Alec went to the kitchen to fetch a vase. But then Alec remembered he doesn’t have more vases. He placed the flowers on the counter and turned to go back. He was stopped by the man leaning on the archway with his arms crossed over his chest with a smirking smile.

“Sorry. Don’t have any spare vase I think. I’ll put them in a jar later.” Alec smiled apologetically.

“I can understand if you don’t have a vase. It looks like a bachelor pad.” the man commented and walked beside Alec to the drawing room again. Alec smiled.

“I’m sorry I called you so suddenly asking you to come here.” Alec looked at the man as he took a seat on the couch.

“Still glad you called me, Alec. It’s been a long time since we met last time… in January right?” the man was smiling with a softened expression.

“Hmm… Right after I left Pandemonium.”

“Yes, you asked for a job to move out of the city and later you said you don’t need anymore. What happened? I thought you found something and left on your own.”

“No. Well… actually, a lot happened. But I didn’t leave, obviously.” The man chuckled at the comment.

“You left the job at Pandemonium though.” The man confirmed and Alec nodded only feeling the man’s gaze on him, flitting up and down, all over him. “You were injured that time. You’re injured now. Seems like I’ve seen you with lot more injuries than I’ve seen you without.” He laughed lightly.

“You got that right. Always the danger magnet, remember?” Alec drawled sarcastically. But inside he was really happy to finally have some company.

“So what did you do this time?” he was chuckling.

“Umm… fell off the stairs.” Alec hesitated.

“Oh. These bruises seem really bad. It was recent?” He came closer to Alec and touched his chin inspecting the newest bruise.

“Yup, just a couple of days ago.” Alec shied away from the touch smiling politely.

“You should ice it, Alec. It’ll smart badly later.” He gave a sweet smile. Alec nodded in return.

“You got everything on the list?” Alec eyed the crate.

“You gave me a nice little challenge here, Alec, long list… short time.” He smiled sweetly again, unlocking the crate, “But yeah, got ’em all.”

“Great, thanks, David. I didn’t expect for all. But you’re excellent as usual.” Alec smiled brightly. He helped David to get the bundles of shredded paper out and looked inside.

“What are all these for anyway? Are you collecting now?” David looked at Alec.

“Umm… No. It’s for a wedding.” Alec checked the bottles and the list.

“Wait… you’re getting married?” David was shocked and kinda… disappointed?

“No. God, no… It’s for a friend.” Alec laughed lightly. “You know I’m not into this marriage and all.”

“Yeah… you always were against of having a relationship, getting serious. Still, think the same?” David moved the crate to the side so that it’s out of Alec’s reach and there’s nothing between them. There was a weird gleam in his eyes that Alec couldn’t just place. Alec looked at him at the movement holding his blue gaze. He didn’t know what to say. David smiled politely.

“Sorry… do you want some coffee or tea? You have to help yourself then, given I’m literally…” Alec looked down at the chair, desperately trying to change the topic. David chuckled again.

“Where do I find wine glasses?” he asked as they went to the kitchen again. Alec pointed at a cabinet. They came back and David brought out two bottles from the crate giving them to Alec.

“Shiraz?” Alec eyed the bottles excitedly, “and Riesling! Are you kidding me? These weren’t on the list.”

“These are especially for you. I know how much you love a good red one.” David smiled cheekily now, “But I brought the Riesling anyway. It’s from Luxembourg. A friend got me a couple. I immediately knew you’d be the best person to share it with.” He opened the bottle and poured some into the glasses.

They enjoyed the wine, sipping slowly, breathing in its scent. Alec remembered how David and he became friends after they had met through Raphael as associates. David always had a passion for good wine and good food. Alec shared the same passion. A lot of street food and wine had brought them really close. Once, David had taken Alec to some wine testing ceremony which turned out to be their first date. It was long before Alec became serious about Magnus. But still, David was a good company, a good friend. Talking to him, about anything and nothing was a great distraction to Alec. He forgot all the drama that was going on in his life while laughing with David, talking about his restaurants and foods and David’s trips to wineries. For some reason, Alec felt light, if not happy. David was easy.

“How are you, Alec?” David asked suddenly with a serious caring tone, reaching out. Alec raised an eyebrow at the hand reaching for his own. They had already finished half a bottle.

“David… let’s not go there.” Alec shook his head understanding the meaning, “I called you for a favor, as a friend.  Please, can we keep it that way?”

David didn’t step back. He held Alec’s hand. And for some reason, Alec didn’t take it back even though he wanted to. “Alec, I know it was a long time ago. But I do care for you. I mean it.”

 

**133 – Magnus, meet David**

“I… I know, Dave… but…” Alec sighed, trying not to think where things were leading, “I’m good, really. I’m fine.”

“Alec… you look worse.” David sighed, “Worse than I had seen you in January. You look pale and I can’t help but see you’ve lost a lot of weight. Is everything alright?”

“Everything is fine, Dave.”

“Why are you living alone then? In a condition like this… why aren’t you at your brother’s place?” David looked worried and caring. He stared at Alec intently. He was one of those people who by chance ever got to know about Michael.

“David… I’m…” Alec started talking and shaking his head but David interrupted.

“Don’t tell me you’re fine. I can see you’re not.” David took a deep breath still holding Alec’s hand. “Look, Alec… I know how you feel about relationships and stuff… and that even though we ended it once on a good note… doesn’t mean we can’t try again. Can’t I care for you anymore?” he was looking at him with eyes full of longing and sincerity.

Alec was stunned. He looked at David shocked but probably his face didn’t express it well. So when he tried to take his hand back, David held it tightly, looking straight in his eyes. “Look… I know you called me as a friend. And you are my friend. But since I got your call after so long…” David looked flustered but sincere, “… And I have to say I was surprised at first… but I couldn’t stop thinking… you know… about our past… all the dates we had… the good time… You always made me feel better, Alec, happy even… and I realized that I missed you… a lot…”

Probably this time Alec’s face didn’t betray him. David saw the panic in his eyes, “Look, I haven’t come here planning something or whatever… I’m just saying… an open offer… if you ever think of trying again… if you ever wanna give it a chance… I’ll be happy to have you, Alec… that only if you want… I’m ready to give us another chance. It hurts to see you like this.” David reached out with his right hand to stroke at his cheek softly and his other hand held Alec’s, thumb brushing knuckles softly.

 

Alec wanted to scream, as loud as possible. His blood was boiling. His skin was crawling. His heart was beating 1000 miles per hour maybe. He felt his face blazing.

Alec was worried about Magnus being implored by the outside world, him being charmed by people, him being tempted and flattered by people. And there he was, inside his own apartment, being halfway proposed by a man who was his ex, from years ago, who he trusted to respect their mutual decision to break up and stay friends.

Alec wanted to slap himself, if not strangle to death.

All the insecurity about Magnus and there he was sitting hand in hand with a man who just proposed him for another chance.

All the fear of losing Magnus and Magnus leaving him and he was the one who ended up cheating on Magnus.

Alec just simply wanted to go somewhere and die.

He couldn’t believe he walked right into the trap and didn’t even see it. He never felt such stupid and idiot and useless jerk of himself. The thought of Magnus scared the hell out of him. What had he done to Magnus?

 

As if Magnus had heard his silent panic or his cheating, the front door creaked. Alec jumped slightly at the sound of key turning into the lock. He finally snatched his hand out of David’s hurrying to the door. Magnus was dropping his bag on the side table. Alec was so panicked that he didn’t realize Magnus was about to smile at him and say ‘hi’ like every evening when he came home. He just grabbed Magnus’s hands and pulled him closer making him bent down. Without missing a beat Alec pressed his lips on Magnus’s.

Magnus was surprised at the welcome he received. Alec never acted that way. He noticed that the kiss was rough… intense, like Alec wanted to prove something. Alec was grabbing at him and not breathing. Magnus pulled back slowly when he tasted Alec’s unnaturally sweet tongue which weirdly tasted like grapes.

“Hey, handsome. Happy to see you too.” Magnus knelt smiling in front of Alec so he could see his face better. “You look flushed, babe. Are you well?” He softly stroked at his cheek with his thumb and forefinger with a worried look. Alec welcomed the touch happily trying to forget that just a few minutes ago someone else had touched him at the same spot.

“What is this?” Magnus frowned, stroking his thumb on the newly formed bruise at Alec’s jaw. He had forgotten about that. He winced slightly at the touch which didn’t go unnoticed by Magnus. “Babe, what… Why does it look like a bruise?”

Alec didn’t say anything. He was hiding his eyes; a gesture Magnus knew really well. “What have you done, Alexander?” Magnus’s voice came out little stronger.

Alec didn’t give a chance but just requested, “Kiss me, Magnus. Please.”

Magnus looked at him worried. He wasn’t sure where it was coming from but he kissed Alec, remembering his promise. He wondered if it’s for the same reason.

Magnus broke the kiss again at the sound of someone coughing in the distant. He looked behind Alec. Within a couple of seconds that he took to recognize the person, he froze in shock.

“So this is your boyfriend? He’s the reason you don’t want relationships, huh?” David drawled leaning on the wall with his arms crossed on his chest and a very smug look. Alec went paler than before.

Alec turned to face David, ignoring Magnus’s looks. “Yes, David. Meet my boyfriend and the love of my life, Magnus.” He was sterner than intended. Both David and Magnus were surprised at his declaration. Magnus rested a hand on Alec’s shoulder which Alec patted lovingly.

 

**134 – Busted**

“Magnus, this is my friend David O’Connell. He’s a restaurateur from Washington. He’s got a few here as well.” Alec pressed on the word ‘Friend’ which caught both the other men’s attention. Magnus politely raised his hand to shake which David took gingerly.

“Nice to meet you, Magnus,” David smiled, “Can’t say that I’ve heard about you.”

“Nice to meet you too, David. Can’t say I’ll fail to recognize you ever,” Magnus was salty. Alec and David frowned at him. “You were Raphael’s associate, right?” Magnus said knowingly. Alec went rigid.

“You know Raphael?” David wasn’t fazed yet.

“He’s my best friend. I’ve seen you in Pandemonium a lot. You used to flirt with Alec a lot.” Magnus kept his calm but was screaming at Alec inside his head wanting to know why this man was in their house.

“And if my memory serves well, you were one of his many admirers too right?” Alec gaped at David feeling like maybe it was too late to die when Magnus took his hand away from his shoulder. “It was in past anyway… A long time ago. So don’t worry about it.” David said lightly. Magnus shot Alec a look.

“If you don’t mind, I’d like to talk to Alec, in private,” Magnus said icily.

David shrugged and walked past Magnus to the front door, “No need. I think I’ve already overstayed my welcome. I shall leave now. Don’t wanna disturb your evening anymore. Bye, Alec. It was nice to see you again. Good luck with your life. And my best wishes to you both.” He grabbed his coat and nodded at Magnus before stepping out. Magnus closed the door behind him and faced Alec.

“He was the same man you met at the café near my loft back in January right? You two were sitting on a window side table, hand in hand, laughing together.” Magnus spoke coldly, didn’t even give Alec a chance to gather his thoughts.

“How… how do you know that? How do you know him?” Alec stuttered.

“So he is the same man.” Magnus didn’t wait for Alec’s answer and stride inside.

“Magnus… just listen to me please.” Alec wheeled after him.

“You used to date him, right? He is your ex.” Magnus asked suddenly.

“Wait… how do you…” Alec was shocked before he realized. “Raphael?” he remembered that Raphael knew about the dating.

“I saw you with David in that café when I was practically running through the city to find out that you haven’t left the city for me… I saw you laughing… him holding your hand… I was coming back from the Archery range finding that you resigned from there. Later when I talked to Raph, he told me it was David, your ex-boyfriend.” Alec stared at Magnus. “You never laughed with me like that, Alec… you were never free with me like you were with him that day. Not that we were any close back then or it matters anymore.” The betrayal was clear in Magnus’s eyes. Alec had a nasty feeling inside, the self-hatred making comeback in full form. “Why was he here, Alec?” Alec winced at the tone.

“He came to deliver something I had asked him to bring for me.” He said honestly.

“What is so important that needed to be delivered at our home by your ex?” Alec realized that the icy tone was just the beginning of a huge storm.

“It’s not about him being my ex, Magnus. He’s… was… a good friend. Cat had asked me to make a wine arrangement for the wedding that I had promised her. David was the only man who could get me everything in such short notice. That’s all. You can check the crate. It’s still on the table.” He said meekly.

Alec was sad. He knew he had blown it up with Magnus, royally, drastically. He wasn’t even surprised that Magnus knew about the dating or had seen them together when Alec actually wanted to leave the city. But he couldn’t stop feeling the guilt gnawing at his heart at Magnus’s crestfallen expression.

“Has he done something, Alec?” Alec gave a confused look to Magnus. “Has he done something to you? You said ‘was’; he ‘was’ your good friend. What changed? What did he mean by I’m the reason you don’t want relationships?” Magnus was silently yelling at him, cold and scary.

Alec was speechless but Magnus wasn’t. “Was he hitting on you? Did he propose? He wants to try again or something?” Magnus was slowly losing his calm.

Alec gaped at Magnus. That’s all he could do. And hope that Magnus wouldn’t leave him. All his insecurities and nightmares started to become true, but for all the wrong reasons.

“He did, huh!” Magnus drawled before walking into the bedroom, shutting the door loudly behind him, leaving a bereft Alec out in the drawing room.

Alec wanted to cry. For the millionth time in his life, he felt like he’s lost everything all over again. Every time he tried to be happy, built something out of his stupid fucking life, something came and ruined it for him. He’s cried a lot in his life, but never for himself. Magnus’s coldness was the last thing Alec wanted to bear. He gazed the box David left and the bottles with a blank look. He had half a mind to destroy everything but didn’t do it thinking of Cat. He didn’t notice when the door opened again. Suddenly Magnus stood in front of him with a murderous look.

“Did he hurt you?” Magnus asked. Alec gave him a confused look unable to understand. “The bruises… on your face… Did he hurt you when you turned him down for me? I swear I’m going to murder him if he’s touched you.” Magnus was flaring with anger.

“No…” Alec drew blank except why Magnus was so reasonable and understanding and considerate? “No… he didn’t do it.”

“Then how, Alexander Wayland, do you explain sudden bruises forming on your jaw and chin?” Magnus stood with arms crossed over his chest, hands fisted.

Alec understood Magnus felt betrayed about David but he was actually angry with him about the bruises. More than a disgusting, cheating boyfriend, Magnus was mad about some stupid bruises. Alec blinked before answering. “I was trying to walk with the crutches. But fell on my face. Got hit.” Alec finished and saw Magnus stride off to the bedroom again without a word, followed by a loud grunt of anger and a few things break. Alec was shocked.

 

**135 – Sucker for pain**

4 days.

96 hours.

5760 minutes.

An approximate summary of Alec’s pain.

Alec endured being unable to see Magnus. He hadn’t spoken a single word to him or spared him a look. Silent treatment at its best was what’s happening. Still, it was better than Magnus walking out on him. Alec was relieved to think that. Magnus needed time, he knew that. For what exactly, he didn’t know that.

That night, after Magnus had locked himself inside the bedroom, Alec tried to talk to him through the door. But after a couple of things crashed on the other side of the door drowning his voice, Alec gave up. He was worried for Magnus because Magnus was the calm one in their relationship. Magnus was the one who tried to understand the situation and act like an adult. Throwing and crashing and breaking things and sulking inside a closed room was more like Alec’s trait. He had never seen Magnus losing it like that. And that’s how he knew he’d hurt Magnus too much. He just hoped that it wasn’t too much to lose Magnus forever.

Alec was really worried to think what Magnus was doing inside. He waited for Magnus to come out but when he didn’t, Alec made his way to the drawing room and picked up the crate. He took it to the kitchen and put the wine bottles aside. He took the half-finished bottle of Riesling and eyed the bottle of Shiraz. He put them to the island and opened the bottle of Shiraz too, the whole time keeping his eye on the knife stand.

Alec shook his head, mentally slapping himself for thinking like that. If it was some other time or someone else, Alec probably wouldn’t think twice before grabbing a knife and just finish it but it was Magnus. Alec knew he couldn’t leave Magnus.

Magnus did a lot for him, went through a lot for him. He endured all of his mood swings and weird behaviors. He endured Alec going from bat-shit-crazy on him to confessing his love while dying in his arms. Alec put him through hell and over and Magnus never voiced one negative thing. Magnus stayed like a constant in his life, his sun. Magnus gave him unflinching, undying, unconditional love. He loved him like nobody ever did. He saved him and showed him how much he’s loved too. In return, he neither asked anything from Alec nor complained about Alec’s inability to give something back, not even a proper love or an honest relationship.

Alec needed to stay there and be strong for Magnus, stand up for both of them. As much as Alec couldn’t live without Magnus, he knew how much Magnus needed his love. And so for the first time in his life, Alec stopped from taking the knife. He knew whatever it’d take; he’d fight for Magnus, for his love and for his forgiveness. Unlike everything else in his life, he would not give up on Magnus.

 

The next morning when Magnus tried to come out of the room, fully dressed and ready to go to the office, he opened the door to meet Alec lying on the floor.

In a flash of a moment, he was down on his knees hugging Alec close, mentally cursing himself for forgetting about Alec’s suicidal tendencies. He was so much wrapped up in his thoughts the night before that he didn’t even let Alec get into the room or sleep. He thought he’d lost Alec already, that it was too late.

And it was just a second later the pungent sweet smell from Alec’s breath hit Magnus. Alec was breathing all well but was fully unconscious. He reeked of alcohol, Magnus realized. The smell was so unfamiliar on Alec that it took Magnus some time to understand the two bottles beside the door was wine bottles and completely empty, drained to the last drop. It was the first time ever Magnus saw Alec as drunk.

Magnus wanted to be irritated, mad or angry even but ultimately he was relieved to see Alec breathing. He was happy to see that Alec didn’t give up. Sometime during the night, Alec had gone to sit on the floor with the bottles, his legs awkwardly stretched in front of him, his back on the door. He was so unconscious that he didn’t even grunt when Magnus carried him to the bed. He tucked Alec in and placed a soft kiss on Alec’s temple earning a soft moan. Then he left the apartment with his phone in his hand frantically searching a number to call.

 

“Magnus… hey, do you mind if I take an extra hour during lunch?” Clary poked her head inside Magnus’s cabin. Magnus looked up to see the redhead with a measuring tape in her hands. He motioned her to come in.

“Hey, you. Why do you need an extra hour?” Magnus asked leaving his laptop to look at Clary.

“Umm… Jace and I were supposed to go for a quick lunch. Izzy found out and now Simon and she will tag along.” Clary sighed.

“Oh…” Magnus suddenly found himself thinking hard, “Umm… will they be coming here to pick you or you’ll be meeting them at the restaurant?”

“They’ll be here.” Clary replied with a questioning look because Magnus never asks for so much of details. “Is everything alright?”

“Yeah… sure… umm…” Magnus hesitated, “Do you mind if I tag along too?”

Clary raised an eyebrow, “Umm, sure. I’m sure it’ll be okay. Any special reason?”

“I need to talk to Jace a bit. About Alec. And if possible I need to talk to Izzy about the wedding preps too.” Magnus smiled politely, “Hope it won’t be too much.”

“No, no… it’ll be fine. We’ll be leaving in 5 then?”

“Yeah sure. I’ll just finish a phone call and meet you outside.” Magnus hurriedly picked up his iPhone again. Clary nodded and left.

Magnus dialed the call button and tapped his fingers on the seam of the table waiting for the call to connect. “Rag… Jesus… Where the fuck are you when I need you?” he muttered under his breath but the call went to voice message. He grunted impatiently listening through the instruction in Ragnor’s monotone waiting for the beep. “Rag… brother mine… dinner at my umm… Alec’s place… Friday evening… Cat’s order is here… I’ll meet you there… we need to talk… bye.” Magnus cut the call and looked at his phone to see that he was already late for lunch. He rushed out of his office grabbing the coat but forgetting the phone on the table. He never knew when Alec called him.

 

**136 – Brother from another mother: Jace**

“I’m sorry guys, I tagged along without invitation.” Magnus smiled apologetically at Jace and Izzy after all the pleasantries were exchanged. “I hope you guys won’t mind.”

“Not at all, Magnus, I’m glad you came.” Jace clapped his shoulder with a hesitant smile. Magnus knew immediately what Jace was holding back on his tongue.

“He is recovering well, Jace.” Magnus smiled reassuringly. “But I’m afraid he’s still not happy with the idea of meeting. I think he’ll come around soon. I know he wants to meet you both but he’s too stubborn to accept it just like that.” He informed.

“It’s okay, Magnus. We didn’t expect things to change overnight. We understand.” Izzy smiled at Jace first ruefully and then together they smiled politely at Magnus.

“We can’t thank you enough for what you’ve done for him. We owe a lot to you and Michael. Without you two… we don’t know if we’d ever been able to meet Alec again, let alone have him back in our life.” Izzy continued softly.

“Hey, we are family, right? Alec’s siblings mean you guys are my family too. At least I consider so. Don’t make me a stranger now by saying these. A family doesn’t owe to each other.” Magnus got emotional.

“So are we gonna go for lunch or what? I’m hungry.” Simon chimed before Izzy and Jace could recover from Magnus’s comment. Everybody laughed except Jace. All knew he did that to lighten the mood. Magnus vaguely thought that Alec probably would react to Simon same like Jace.

 

“Clary said you wanted to talk about Alec. Is everything alright?” Jace whispered to Magnus after they settled in their places. Clary, Izzy and Simon were chatting animatedly fussing over what to order. Jace took the opportunity to talk to Magnus. They shuffled closer knowing very well Clary knew both their choices and would order for them.

“Umm… actually, I recently found something I wanted to ask you about.” Magnus hesitated.

“Sure, what is it?” Jace was ready to help. Anything for Alec, he thought.

“Okay so, Alec recently told me that the night before he left home, Maryse asked him to leave and never come back. He isn’t still sure if she said it out of love or hatred. I was hoping if you or Izzy know something about it if Maryse ever mentioned anything later.” Magnus spoke fast before Jace could interrupt.

“Wait… Alec said that mom asked him to leave that night?” Jace was confused.

“Yes. But he had already made the deal with Robert so he didn’t pay much attention to her. He was about to leave the next morning anyway. He thought she asked him to leave because she hated him for Max.”

“What do you mean?” Jace was trying to think, “Wait… Do you think mom knew something and she asked him to leave to save him?”

“Alec hinted something like that. As in, she probably knew about Robert’s affair. But she didn’t know more. And you all were devastated about Max. She was mourning. Alec still thinks she asked him to leave because she hated him… because of how she blamed him. But I don’t think so.”

“Why not?” Jace was frowning deeply.

“Why then a grieving mother would go to her son who she blamed for everything in the middle of the night out of everybody’s sight to ask him to leave and never come back? If she hated him so much, why didn’t she say that in front of all of you? That way Robert wouldn’t even have to make a deal with Alec. Alec would have nothing to bargain with Robert.” Magnus cocked his head.

“You think mom knew more than she let on.” Jace was deep in his thought, his eyes glinted, eyebrows furrowed, jaws clenching, “Makes sense.”

“It does?” Magnus was surprised given he didn’t know what to expect exactly. “She ever mentioned anything?”

“I don’t think so,” Jace was still frowning. “After Alec left, mom was like she lost her reason to live. We thought it was for Max. But maybe it wasn’t exactly just for Max. She stopped talking to us. She wouldn’t eat. She locked herself in Max’s room. We thought she took a hard blow; that she’ll recover. She’d sometimes mumble something about Alec when Izzy or I tried to make her eat. But we didn’t listen. Then Alec’s news came and she was just lost. She went on blaming herself for everything. That was the first time since the accident we heard Alec’s name out loud. She screamed that she could’ve saved Alec. She blamed herself for Alec, his death. She wouldn’t just stop. That’s when Robert sent her to an asylum. I personally thought she was a mother grieving her first and last born, her boys. She loved them the most. But now considering your doubt… maybe you’re right, Magnus. I mean, it’ll fit then…” Jace perked up slightly from his constant rambling which somehow made sense to Magnus too, slowly.

“Robert was always angry about Alec, even before the accident. Alec lived in constant fear of Robert. He’d always just do anything he’d ask, always trying to impress him. But now it all makes sense. Alec could never impress Robert because if one thing he didn’t change about himself even for him, was his choices, who he was. Alec never understood that. And mom grieving about Alec made Robert just madder. So he sent mom away, simply got rid of her. It’s actually a miracle that he never tried to touch Izzy or me; that he kept the deal. If Alec made the mistake of not including someone in the deal, that was Mom. She received his whole wrath.”

“I’ve been wondering the same. Why Robert kept the deal?” Magnus whispered back, “I mean Alec was gone, probably as good as dead on his own like that. Then why he kept the deal, for all the years. Why only hurt Maryse.”

“Maybe because Izzy was always his favorite… Daddy’s little princess she was.” Jace snorted.

“And you? Why protect you?” Magnus countered.

“I think there were two reasons for that. One, Michael… he promised Alec he’d come for me when it’s time. Even though Michael never exactly came back to me, I wonder after finding Alec, he went straight to Robert. Robert knew Michael was watching over me. And two, I was the only son, alike, left to be his heir. I wasn’t his blood but he was for some reason proud of me. That’s why he was easily ready to let me have the name ‘Lightwood’ legally. I remember Alec used to tell me when we were younger that when we’d be old enough to inherit the business, Alec would leave everything to me and live his dream because, among us, I was the smart enough to run a business, like Robert. I used to think he said it to make me feel better, make me feel as one of them. I guess it wasn’t that all. Robert saw the same too…”

“Your potential to become the heir of Lightwoods…” Magnus finished Jace’s sentence, “With Max dead and Alec gone… and Izzy, a girl…” he made speculation and Jace smiled mischievously proving he was right, “…You are the only son he had and he needed to have that.” Only a bastard like Robert would make a mistake of thinking women are incompetent as authority. Magnus was sure that Izzy would be nothing less to run a business. She was a successful businesswoman being an event planner, all on her own. When it required, Izzy joined forces with Jace to bring Robert down. And then there was Clary, without whom Magnus knew he’d never be able to be successful with BANE.

“Maryse, is there anything about her to indicate there’s a chance for salvation? Do you guys visit?” Magnus asked slowly hoping the question didn’t sound wrong.

“You mean if she will ever recover?” Jace hunched on the table. The trio of friends took their time to order so the food hadn’t arrived yet. Magnus nodded in confirmation. “Honestly, I don’t know. They say she’s stable which means she still doesn’t recognize us or remember us. I don’t know if she ever will. They say her situation can neither improve nor deteriorate. So that’s that.” Jace paused, “As for visit… I can’t stand to see her like that. I only go there when Iz drag me. She visits her once a month. Just to come home disappointed, sad and we’d cry the whole night together. That’s comforting sometimes.”

“One more thing, Alec’s dream… you know what was it?” Magnus had to ask it since Jace mentioned.

Jace chuckled, “We never got time to discuss all that, Magnus. Alec was a reserve, shy kind of boy. With his passion for archery and singing, I thought it’d be one of them. But now, I don’t know anymore. How I wish we had time, together.”

Magnus could hear the sarcasm in his voice, laced with pain. He hunched with Jace imagining the siblings crying together; then to a pale-skinned woman with long black hair like Izzy and eyes like Alec in a hospital room staring out of the window, muttering Alec’s name and utter blankness in her eyes.

 

**137 – Brother from another mother: Ragnor**

Alec was pretty much sure that Magnus would never ever talk to him when all his calls went unanswered.

Alec woke up in their bed and didn’t remember how he got there. A headache was enough to tell him what he had done the night before. Then the dread set that Magnus was gone. So he didn’t bother before ripping off his bandages. The rawness of the wound was still visible. Alec didn’t care and limped into the shower. He needed a cold shower. He didn’t remember how long he stayed inside. He was just sitting in the tub as cold water poured over him thinking about Magnus. After he came out with prune fingers and white skin, he tried to call Magnus hoping to catch him during lunch. He never got to reach Magnus. Helpless, Alec didn’t bother to leave a voice message. The worry was killing him.

That night Alec tried to stay awake for Magnus to come home but never made it. Next morning he woke up around 7:30 and Magnus was already gone. Alec didn’t doubt anymore that Magnus was blocking him any way possible. And that only fed his thoughts that he really had cheated on Magnus and hurt him beyond the limit. That he’s finally crossed the arbitrary line of Magnus’s patience. Otherwise, he couldn’t come up with a reason why Magnus was avoiding him like that. Why he wouldn’t just give Alec a chance to talk when he was the one going on and on about making Alec talk?

It was like when Alec had come home from the hospital and refused to talk to Magnus. But at least he was receptive to Magnus. At least they saw each other; they still cared for each other then. But in this situation, a moment without Magnus was suffocating Alec, pushing him to the edge. Alec desperately needed Magnus to get him back from that. He desperately needed to see Magnus; he needed Magnus at home, with him. Even if Magnus wouldn’t talk to him, Alec needed to see him. Alec needed to see those eyes and know that there’s still chance for him; that he hadn’t lost everything. But being unable to see Magnus was like living a life sentence. Their home seemed like a prison to Alec. Only if he could he would run away from home to Magnus and beg for forgiveness till his last breath if needed. Alec wasn’t ready to lose Magnus, not yet.

4 days and Alec hadn’t seen Magnus for a moment or heard his voice. Magnus would come home long after Alec would fall asleep and would leave early morning. The only evidence of it was breakfast in the oven for Alec to warm up and eat later. Alec tried and tried but failed to get a glimpse of Magnus. He hoped Magnus came home to sleep at least. But the undisturbed bed on Magnus’s side only served at Alec’s dread. Then he realized Magnus was so disgusted with him that he was sleeping on the couch.

 

That evening Alec had no hope to see Magnus for obvious reasons. He was getting agitated. He couldn’t think what to do, how to reach Magnus. He pondered if he should call Cat and just get done with it. But he wasn’t ready to face Cat without Magnus. He wasn’t ready to face the questions he himself had no answer. Cat didn’t try to contact him either. So he thought Magnus hadn’t informed her yet. If Alec was worried about Magnus, the crate in the kitchen was actually raising his blood pressure. He needed to get rid of that, soon.

Alec was shocked when Magnus, as elegant as ever, dressed in a slim-fit burgundy shirt with black jeans, walked into the apartment with his bag and a big packet of takeaway containers with him. Magnus didn’t spare him a look or said a word but walked to the kitchen. Alec wanted to follow him but chose to not provoke Magnus without gauging the atmosphere. So he waited, for Magnus to say something, anything. Instead, he was just left in the drawing room again as Magnus gone inside the bedroom and closed the door, thankfully without banging it. Alec was left stunned again.

Alec didn’t need to wait too long to see what’s going on when two guests showed up at their apartment. Magnus was eerily perky changed into his flashy clothes as he went to welcome them at the door and pretended like either Alec didn’t exist or last 4 days didn’t. Alec was beyond stunned to even know how to act.

 

“Where were you? I’ve been calling you all day that day.” Magnus somehow managed to give Cat a smile before dragging Rag to the balcony. Cat and Alec shared a look. They both didn’t understand what it was about but they both let them be and settled on the couch before Alec realized he could use the opportunity.

“Mags… breathe… I got the notifications and the messages. I was in court. I was about to call you later. What’s up?” Ragnor was annoyed being dragged away as soon as he stepped inside the apartment. He didn’t even get a chance to say hi or excuse to Alec and Cat.

“I need to talk to you. I’ve been dying to talk to you.” Magnus was fidgeting.

“You’ve got me here. What happened, Mags? You sound like you’re freaking out.”

“I am freaking out actually.” Magnus dared to steal a glance at Ragnor.

“What happened?” Ragnor asked polite but impatient.

“Alec happened.”

“Well no shit, Sherlock. I knew that already. Tell me more.”

Magnus grunted. Ragnor rolled his eyes. “He got drunk the night before I called to invite you. I left him home alone unconscious the next morning. I haven’t spoken a word to him in 4 days. I locked him out of the bedroom that night. He slept on the floor beside the door. I’m a heinous boyfriend.” He didn’t even breathe.

Ragnor sounded calm. “What did he do to receive the infamous Magnus Bane’s special cold treatment?” he brought out a cigarette and lit it up offering to Magnus.

“Umm…” Magnus took a quick drag before giving it back, “His ex-boyfriend showed up that evening here. That son of a bitch hit on Alec proposing God knows exactly what. I don’t know what’d happen if I hadn’t reached home at that moment. Alec looked mortified though.” He coughed a bit and his eyes went inside the room. He saw Alec taking Cat to the kitchen.

“One, why was the ex-boyfriend here? Two, why didn’t Alec tell him that he’s already in a relationship? Three, you didn’t talk to him, right? You just froze him out? Four, why was Alec mortified? Five, is that have anything to do with your mom’s… thing?” Ragnor inquired each question between short drags. Magnus knew quite well what exactly Ragnor meant.

“One - that man had come to deliver Cat’s special demand from Alec, the wine. He is actually a wine dealer.” Magnus looked at Ragnor first; then out to the skyline.

“Two - Alec didn’t tell him because they met after a long time. Probably Alec didn’t feel any reason to tell him about his current relationship status until I entered. He though introduced me as and I quote, “boyfriend and the love of my life”. Three - yes I froze him out. I didn’t know how to talk to him or what. Alec tried to talk through the door. I may have thrown a couple of things on the door to stop him. Four - I don’t know why he was shocked. I haven’t talked to him. Duh!” Magnus made a stupid face poking his tongue out to Ragnor.

“Five - why are you so fucking right Rag?” Magnus shook his head taking the last bit of the cigarette and finishing it off. “Yes, it has everything to do with mom’s cheating on dad. I can’t help but feel like been cheated a bit. I know very well Alec wouldn’t cheat on me. I know he didn’t mean this to happen. Probably that’s why he was mortified. You know the memories it brought back. I just… lost my sight for a moment. I need to talk to him right?” Magnus spoke in a single breath completing his rant with a loud and long inhale. “I can’t act like this anymore. I can’t let my past get to us when we already have his baggage to deal with.”

“There’s your answer. And Mags…” Ragnor rubbed Magnus’s upper arm, “…Alec is neither like your mom nor like his dad. If you love him, do trust him a bit. You’ll never know what happened between them until and unless you talk to Alec. And speculating about the whole thing, freezing him out… you’re better than that, Bud. Give him a chance to explain himself. Listen to his songs if you really feel that mad. I know they calm you down.” Ragnor explained and continued after a short pause, “And about your memories… Don’t dismiss them because you both already have his past to deal with. Your past is a part of you, Bud, it’s also valid. It makes you who you are. Tell him that. Share your story. Only then he’ll understand you.”

Magnus sighed, rubbing his temple, “Hmm… Thanks, brother mine, I needed this.”

“Anytime, buddy.” Ragnor chuckled, “Now can we get inside, please?”

Magnus gave a tight smile.

 

**138 – Catarina and Alec**

“Okay, so I have a few of choices for you,” Alec took Cat to the kitchen when they saw the two men busy over a cigarette and have no intention to come back soon. He was a bit taken aback seeing Magnus smoking. He didn’t know this.

“I’m excited, Alec. I didn’t know you could do all this so fast. I didn’t expect all these.” Cat eyed the display on the counter.

Alec had taken 5 minutes before taking Cat into the kitchen. He emptied the crate and lined up the bottles on the counter each with a glass. He made a show out of it wanting to make it a good memory for Cat.  “It’s okay, Cat. I had a friend helping me. He’s got me a bottle of each so you can have a bit of tasting. I didn’t know what you’ll like best.” He tried not to think about how much the effort cost him and cleared his voice.

“This must’ve cost a lot, Alec. Oh my God. What have you done?” She squeaked as she took a bottle to inspect.

“It’s cool, Catarina. I actually wanted to restock mine. I know Magnus loves a good drink. Maybe I can change his habit a bit toward something less injurious to health from Whiskey and vodka.” Alec lied through his teeth about restocking. But it worked. Cat laughed silently throwing her head back.

“Good luck with changing his taste from dirty martini to wine. As if that’s ever gonna happen. You know Raph tried a lot just to fail.” Cat was giggling, excited as they were finally doing it.

“Okay, first up, Nino Franco Rustico Prosecco Superiore.” Alec handed over a glass of sparkling wine, speaking in a light accent. “Now Magnus told me none of you are having any separate bachelor parties or rehearsal dinner. Just simple get together the night before with close friends and family right?”

“Yes,” Excitedly Cat took the glass from Alec and took a hasty sip. “Okay, wow… this is… great…”

“If you want you can have it for the get-together dinner.” Alec smiled seeing Cat so happy. She nodded. “But I have another option too.” He handed her a glass of rosé.

“What’s this?” Cat asked humming seductively at the taste.

“2016 Barnard Griffin Rosé of Sangiovese. In case Ragnor wants to have his favorite Lobster dishes.” Alec and Cat smiled knowingly how much Ragnor loves seafood.

“So up next, 2013 Antech Blanquette de Limoux Réserve Brut.” Alec took another glass of sparkling wine and gave to Cat, “It’s kinda fruity and vintage French bubbles.” He smiled as Cat took a sip after looking at the bubbles giddy, “It’ll be good to pair with starters, like mini quiches or skewers.”

“Gotcha,” Cat was busy downing them than listening to Alec.

“Okay, enough. Don’t wanna get you tipsy now. Next one…” Alec paused to take the glass and handed her a glass of white wine. “…Is 2015 Frog’s Leap Sauvignon Blanc for the main course, will go well with fish.”

“But I don’t like fish. I like meat.” Cat pouted. Alec understood.

“Next option for you then. A 2014 Amado Sur Malbec Blend. Pair it with Lamb or filet mignon.”

“Okay, sounds good,” She took the glass of red. Alec watched her taking a sip and lighting up like Christmas. “I think I can taste chocolate in it.” She looked at the glass worried as if something is wrong with the wine.

“It has a hint of dark chocolate in it. That’s why I thought you’ll like it.” Alec smirked that Cat loved his selection. “And for final choice… A 2015 Domaine le Garrigon Côtes du Rhône. Pairs well with barbecue, braise meat and all.”

She took a sip of the red and hummed again. “You’ve got me lost, Alec. I don’t know what to choose. This is too much.”

“Well do you wanna take these to home and choose maybe?” He hoped for a yes.

“Nope. Not at all.” She shook her head. “How about you choose and I’ll arrange the menu accordingly? I love the flavors. These are really perfect for Rags and me. But I really can’t decide Alec. I thought I’ll be choosing just the ‘Mr. and Mrs.’ one. I wasn’t expecting all these. You are the expert. You do it.”

“Okay. I’ll send you the final list by tomorrow then? Will that be okay?”

“Absolutely fine, it’ll be great. I’ll check with the caterer. You send me the details of the wines okay, with the pairings?”

“Sure. Anything else we forgetting?” Alec corked the bottles to put them in the fridge.

“The “Mr. and Mrs.” one… We didn’t taste that.” Cat helped to stow the bottles.

“Oh, that’ll be a gift from me. Don’t worry about that.” Alec smiled wondering if he’ll still be with Magnus to attend the wedding with him.

“Oh… you’re an angel, Alec. You’re so sweet. Thanks. Magnus is so lucky to have you.” She bent down to fling her arms around Alec. 

“I think it’s the other way around, Cat. I am very much lucky to have him in my life. I am the lucky one to have Magnus.” Alec awkwardly patted her back.

“And that makes me sure that you two are made for each other. I’m happy that you two are working it out together.” Cat left a little peck on his cheek.

“I am glad too, Cat. I don’t know what I’d do without him. Although I still believe he’s done most of the fighting for me.” Alec said. Only Alec knew how light he felt talking to Cat as a friend even though he couldn’t stop thinking about Magnus. He knew he was right to seek Cat’s and Ragnor’s acceptance as Magnus’s boyfriend. But a lot happened after that. And so he wasn’t much happy that Cat and Ragnor didn’t change their view about him yet. Magnus hadn’t told them about their recent development yet. Alec was sure Ragnor and Cat would have a change of heart and decision one they know.

“Can I at least know what you’ve chosen for our signature wine?” Cat asked batting her eyelashes, an ultimate effort to make Alec talk.

Alec laughed lightly at how easy it was between them. She’s a woman of eclectic taste. Back in the club, it was just easy going friendship but this one felt much better and dreadful, “A 2012 Bodegas Benjamin de Rothschild & Vega Sicilia Macán.”

Cat stared at him for a couple of seconds, blinked and sighed shaking her head, “Why did I even bother to ask you! I should’ve known you’d tell me something I wouldn’t understand. When it’s about wine, you start speaking a different language.” She was still shaking her head trying not to laugh but Alec broke into a giggle. Soon she joined him.

“I wish I could just stay here and drink all those with you. Rag understands nothing about wines. You know, cake tasting was a disaster with him.” She was still laughing and shaking her head.

“I wonder how you two fell in love.” Alec smirked.

“High school, Alec, it does so many things to people, you know.” She sighed. Alec smiled. “Do you know what they’re talking about?” she pointed to the balcony.

Alec hesitated a moment before answering. He had an idea what Magnus and Ragnor were talking about but he didn’t want to just assume. “I think they’re talking about me.”

“You? Why?” Cat perked up.

“I… I don’t know… I have a feeling…” Alec sighed as Cat watched him carefully, “Magnus… he and I… We had a… disagreement. He’s… mad with me.”

“You two aren’t talking at the moment?” Cat raised an eyebrow trying to not judge. Alec just nodded. “What was it about, if I may ask?”

Alec just stared at Magnus’s lithe figure leaning on the rail. Cat understood his hesitance. “We all have a past, Alec, monsters under our beds… skeletons in our closets. Be careful what you wish for. Have patience with him. He may look so easy going. But there’s a lot buried underneath that charming smile of his. When he’s good, he’s good. When he’s bad, well…” Cat smiled at him. Alec nodded but was seriously confused at the riddle she threw at him.

They both looked out at the sound of the sliding door of the balcony closing. Magnus and Ragnor were back in and settling on the couch. Alec suddenly dreaded to go back in. Looking at Cat he put on his best smile. They went back.

 

**139 – Breaking silence**

It was the most awkward dinner Alec had ever had, in his 28 years of life.

The silence was only interrupted by the sounds of cutlery and Magnus’s cheery voice talking animatedly to Ragnor and Catarina.

Alec kept his mouth shut like he wasn’t the fourth person sitting beside Magnus having dinner. He kept staring at the three friends, mostly Magnus and kept asking to himself what he was even doing there.

Alec felt uncomfortable in his own apartment; his own house which he always knew to be his safe place. His skin was crawling at the eeriness of how the place seemed more like only Magnus’s place than him.

The night carried on. They shared drinks. The food was gone and soon Cat and Ragnor bid good night too. And finally, Magnus and Alec were alone. Alec dreaded the moment the couple walked out of the door.

Moments passed and Alec kept his eyes on Magnus who busied himself in cleaning the kitchen. Alec didn’t want to but something was stirring inside him. He didn’t like the feeling. So he went to the cabinet in the dining room and pulled out a bottle of Chopin from Magnus’s stash. He tried to stop himself from wheeling into the balcony, open the bottle and start drinking. By the time Magnus came to him, he had taken a couple of long burning gulps.

“Do you wanna come inside?” Alec heard Magnus’s soft voice directed to him, something he had been dying to hear for past 4 days. He smiled to himself for an unknown reason and turned to wheel in. He watched Magnus taking a seat on the couch and placed himself right in front.

They sat there silently for minutes. Alec didn’t count but it felt long. Magnus was looking at his knotted fingers in his lap. Alec kept staring at Magnus. The unfinished bottle lay in his lap. Suddenly Magnus reached out and took the bottle. He put it on the floor beside the couch, safely out of Alec’s reach.

Alec watched Magnus fidgeting before he suddenly spoke, “What happened to your bandage?” pointing at his knee.

By the tone, Alec knew that it wasn’t just a question. Magnus was asking him with authority. “I ripped it off.”

“Why?”

“Needed a shower.”

“Cling film, Alec, cling film.” Magnus rolled his eyes.

“You know I hate them.” Alec didn’t like being called ‘Alec’, not from Magnus.

Magnus only nodded and the silence continued again. Alec was itching to ask but again Magnus beat him. “Are we okay?”

Alec internally gasped. After everything, Magnus was asking him that. He controlled his voice, “You tell me.”

Magnus’s chocolate brown eyes looked way dark than Alec had ever seen shot up at him. Alec held the gaze and stared back. Their eyes met in a way that the air around them felt heavy, charged, intensified.

This time Alec took the charge. “Did you spend the nights here?” he knew Magnus came home. But he didn’t know if Magnus stayed.

“Slept on the couch,” Magnus’s eyes flitted for a flash of a moment in hesitation but settled on neutral again. Alec nodded in response.

Moment by moment it was getting harder for them to continue a conversation.

“Can I ask you something?” Magnus suddenly went back staring at his fingers. His voice was low.

“I think I’ve been waiting for that for past 4 days.” Alec didn’t mean it as a snide but Magnus looked back at him at the tone.

“Right,” He gulped twisting his fingers, “Why was he here?”

“I’ve given you the answer before, Magnus. I didn’t lie. I called him for Cat. He came to deliver. That’s all.” Alec replied after a beat.

“Right… What did he say?” Magnus was still looking down. Alec stayed quite. He wasn’t going to answer until Magnus wouldn’t look at him.

“Magnus, look at me.” Alec ordered when Magnus kept looking down, “You have to look at me when you talk to me, okay? You have to look me in the eye and decide if I’m telling the truth or not. So just look. At. Me.”

At the tone, Magnus had to look up. “So,” Alec continued, “David and I were enjoying some wine. He asked me why I asked for all the wine and if I was getting married when I said it’s for a wedding. He brought up that I never was in favor of having a relationship. We got into talking and he just told me that he cares about me. And if I want to give a relationship a chance then he’ll be happy to have me. He gave me an open offer.”

“Why didn’t you tell him that you’re already in a relationship?” Magnus asked after processing the answer.

“Because first, I didn’t feel the need of disclosing my relationship status for no reason,” Alec had the urge to roll his eyes but refrained, “I called him here as a friend. I didn’t think he’d do or say something like that. And second, he never asked me if I was interested or available. He just assumed I was single and said his piece. He didn’t hope for an answer I believe.”

“Okay, so you are not interested in him,” Magnus muttered. Alec stared at him dumbfounded. He couldn’t believe the words he heard. He wondered for some time if he heard it right before Magnus talked again. “When did you break up with him? Why would he assume you are single?”

Alec wondered if the tone was accusing. He replied truthfully nevertheless. He was tired of avoiding talking to Magnus. Especially after what Magnus made him feel for 4 complete days with a reason that Alec was still to find out. “I don’t know why he assumed. Maybe because he always knew me as someone not interested in committed relationships. We ended it 5 months before the night you got drunk and I stayed the night at your place.”

Magnus’s mouth went slack, in surprise, before he composed himself enough for the next question, “How long? The relationship...”

“We met as associates. We found common likes. We became friends. We dated for 7 months. He wanted more. Obviously, I couldn’t be in a relationship. My past didn’t allow me. But he didn’t know that obviously. And also…” Alec didn’t stop talking when Magnus perked up to interrupt him, “… I didn’t want to be in a relationship with him. Dating was fine. But I never was in love with him or something. Common infatuations we shared and broke it off on a mutual understanding that the dating won’t be a problem in future which clearly wasn’t… clear enough and decided to stay as “friends” which… isn’t the case anymore.”

Magnus had a weird look on him. His gaze flitted between Alec’s eyes trying to find out a single lie which would’ve justified his thoughts. But by the moment Magnus was losing that game. There was no lie. “Why did you meet him in January then? Right after the accident. Right after resigning from all the jobs.”

“I…” Finally, Alec hesitated. Hope blossomed in Magnus. Maybe he wasn’t so wrong. But well, Alec wasn’t in the mood of playing either. He straightened his shoulders and sat up a bit, “David was my friend, Magnus. You have to understand that he was one of those people who didn’t know my past and knew me for who I was at that time. I trusted him to some extent.” Alec paused to gauge Magnus’s confused frown, “Like I said before, David is a restaurateur. He has his main business in DC. After whatever happened between us in December… you were right. I wanted to leave the city. I met David to ask him to find me a job. I was supposed to leave for Texas but they hired other people before he could even recommend me. I asked him later to not try for more. I didn’t need to leave. I needed a break. And so I holed up in here for 3 months before Michael kicked me out on his birthday and the alley thing happened.”

Magnus kept quiet, slowly taking in the explanation. Alec waited for a few moments. “Magnus, I hope you know you have no reason to be jealous. David was never important. And I never meant any of it to happen. It was always you.”

 

**140 – Or I go home**

“…It was always you.” Alec continued. His eyes were searching for Magnus. “It’s been you since I saw you walk into Pandemonium almost 5 years ago.”

Appalled by the sudden declaration, Magnus gulped. “Did you… you know… you and David… did things…” he knew he was about to jump in treacherous waters.

Alec tried to understand. Then he was mortified. But he wasn’t ashamed. “‘Did things’? You mean if David and I had sex?” his eyebrow cocked.

Magnus turned red. God, he wasn’t ready to sit and listen to Alec’s past sex life. It wasn’t like he didn’t know about it. But finally talking about it, Magnus wasn’t ready to know a number or have a face on one of them.

“It’s not like you don’t know, Magnus. I had an active sex life. But that’s all I had. No strings attached. I told you this before.” Alec continued in a serious tone, “Yes, David and I had sex, a few times. Does that bother you?”

Magnus stole his glance again. Does that bother him? He wanted to scream yes. He wanted to yell that it hurt him that Alec called an old friend and had a good time in their home. He wanted to shout at Alec that it is unacceptable to invite someone over anything and not even inform him about it. He wanted to let Alec know how guilty he looked when Magnus came home early that evening as if Alec wanted to hide the whole meeting. But all that came out of his mouth shocked Magnus too. He didn’t understand the kind of barrage he opened for himself to drown.

The anger in him spoke loud and clear before he could stop, “If you slept with him, if you two were dating each other, if you had so much in common, why he doesn’t matter to you? Why the hell he is unimportant to you? He was your first steady relationship for heaven’s sake. How could you not love him? How could you just use him and break up? How could you be so emotionally detached?”

His moment of rage passed by and he registered the broken and hurt look on Alec. Within a moment Magnus realized what he said. His heart wanted to reach forward, hold Alec and end whatever it was happening. But his brain opposed, freezing his body and locking his eyes on Alec’s molten hazel which darkened by the passing seconds. Magnus sat there waiting to hear whatever Alec had to say.

Alec recovered quickly. His brain took control of his breaking heart by making it beat slower, stopped his eyes from leaking by closing them for a few seconds and calmed his shaking breath by making his lungs work. That brain passed on a small comment, _so that’s what you get when you finally try to attach with someone emotionally_. It was just a comment but it was enough to scar his soul.

Alec knew his brain was about to do something he would never be able to forgive himself for. But he knew it was better out in the open than hidden. Magnus was hurt already by his hiding and lies. Not anymore. “He wasn’t my first, Magnus. David wasn’t my first of anything.”

Magnus’s eyes snapped at him. Alec took a breath and continued, slow and calm, “My first ever steady relationship was Imasu. I’m sure you know that name. I wanted to be happy with him. But he was rudely taken away from me. My first kiss was Imasu too. First sex… I don’t remember… It was in Detroit maybe… a gay stripper. It wasn’t a good experience. For long I didn’t want to have sex again ever. My first crush… the one who made me realize that nothing about me is plain simple… the one who made me realize that I’ll never be able to fulfill my father’s dream… the one with whom I laid in my bed nights after nights just to feel trapped… was effectively made my brother… So I moved on…”

Magnus was stunned. His brain was blank since it registered the word “Brother”. But Alec didn’t stop talking, “So no, David was nowhere near important to me ever except as a friend. Things were taken away from me one by one… until you came. My first love… is you. The one who stole my breath away… is you. The one who turned my world heaven over hell… is you. The one who brought down my walls and opened my door… is you. The one who made my heart beat again with a meaning… is you. The one for whom I want to live… is you. The one for whom I couldn’t try to suicide again… is you. The one for whom I want to fight… is you. The first man who made love with me, who showed me love… is you, Magnus. I don’t know any other way to tell you this but you are my first of so many things I never hoped to have.”

Alec breathed, resigned, and heard Magnus’s croaky words, “Brother? Your first crush… It was…”

“Jace,” Alec finished. And he knew it was over. Magnus stared at him blank-eyed.

 

Startling Alec, Magnus jumped out of the couch with a sudden flurry. Alec watched Magnus looking everywhere but him as if he was trying to find something. He grabbed his phone from the table and started to walk past Alec.

Alec somehow knew it was the last time, the last chance. When Magnus was about to walk past his chair, Alec grabbed his wrist effectively stopping him. They face away from each other, standing apart, that they couldn’t see each other’s face.

“Are we okay?” Alec managed to speak and held on to Magnus’s wrist.

“I’ll be at the loft for the weekend. I have some work to finish. My equipments are there. I need space to draw. I’ll be back on Monday.” Magnus freed his wrist. Alec knew it was just an excuse. He knew Magnus was running away.

“That’s not my answer,” Alec tried again, “Are we okay?” but met only silence.

“Why can’t you tell me what’s going on? I answered everything you wanted to know. Tell me what else I can do.” Alec said after a few moments.

“Are you stopping me?” Magnus said after a long silence, still facing the door.

“Do you want me to stop you?” Alec asked, still facing the balcony door. The silence stretched again with Magnus.

“Are you going now?” Alec sighed silently.

“Yeah.”

“Okay,” Magnus heard the monotonous reply and the wheelchair going away. Alec stopped beside the couch and took the bottle. He heard Magnus’s footsteps reaching the door and opening it.

“Magnus… take care of yourself, please.” Alec managed to say. His fingers worked on the bottle cap.

“Take care of yourself too,” Magnus said. It sounded like a final goodbye.

“I waited for 4 days. I’ll wait for you forever. Don’t do this to us, please.” It was Alec begging Magnus to stay and choose him. It was his final desperation to stop Magnus. Only the silence hit him. “But if you walk out on me now…” Alec finally said and let the sentence hang. His chest was rising and falling fast in anticipation. The silence stretched again and raised his hope. That was his last try. The next moment he jumped at the sound of the door closing shut. The silence was deafening, closing in on Alec, chocking him. Alec realized Magnus wasn’t there anymore.

Alec exhaled the breath he was holding. He let a single tear fall. His lips kissed the rim of the bottle of Chopin instead of Magnus. He drained the bottle first and move onto the rest of the cabinet. He didn’t want to feel. He didn’t want to be left alone, be rejected by Magnus without any reason. He wanted this to end.

The lies and hiding things hurt Magnus.

The truth took Magnus away forever.

Love… is bullshit.

Unconditional… doesn’t exist.

Relationships… sucks.

There’s always a condition. It has to be.

Nobody knew this better than Alec Lightwood.

After all Robert, the great Papa Lightwood taught him the lesson well.

 

**141 – Things needed to be done**

_Saturday 11:20 am - >_

“Good morning Mr. Wayland. I’m George. You ready?”

“Yes, good morning, George. You know the address?”

“Of course, sir, I’ve told to be on your service for the day.”

“Okay then. Let’s go.”

_53 minutes later - >_

“This is highly irregular, sir. I can’t let this happen.”

“I know the protocols officer. I’ve shown you the documents. So let me in.”

“I understand the urgency but I still need to get permission from the authority.”

“Then do it. And make it faster. I don’t have all day to be here.”

“Yes sir, if you’d just wait in the visiting area, I’ll try to make it as fast as possible.”

“Thank you for your kind help, officer…” Alec’s eyes flit over the name tag on the officer’s shirt, “Officer Matthews.”

“Follow me, Mr. Lightwood. Given that nobody in past 3 years tried to contact him let alone come and visit, I have to say I’m shocked at your sudden arrival.”

“Not even his lawyer?”

“Nobody.”

  _1 hour and 27 minutes later - >_

“Mr. Lightwood, I’ve checked all your documents. We’ve talked to state police and FBI to verify your story. It is highly irregular but you are allowed for the visit today. But from next time on, you’ll have to make an appointment like others.”

“Don’t worry, warden. I’ll not be coming back again. I’ve just come to say goodbye. I promise to be in my best behavior.”

“Wouldn’t expect anything else from a lawyer either. Come with me then.”

_Another 26 minutes later - >_

Alec sat in a private visiting room waiting for the man he wanted to visit.

“Alec? What are you doing here?”

Alec looked up at the voice and the rumbles of shackles. He waited till the guards were done securing him in the seat and left. He nodded at them in thanks.

“Hello, father. Well, obviously I’ve come to meet you.”

“How could you get in?” Robert was clearly amused and not pleased.

“Just like how other people get in, using the front door.” Alec concentrated to keep his calm. It wasn’t as easy as he thought it’d be.

“Why? Why have you come now? I kept that stupid deal and you still put me here. Who the hell do you think you are coming here and trying to rub it on my face?”

“Glad to know that 3 years of jail life hasn’t changed you a bit. But I haven’t come for chitchat.”

“Well, who wants to chitchat with you anyway, you piece of shit. Hope you haven’t told them who you are. You’re still a disgrace to me and the family, you bloody faggot. You can’t tell people you’re a Lightwood. You are not a Lightwood. You can never be a Lightwood.” Robert spat through his teeth.

“And I don’t wanna be a Lightwood either. People are going to find out sooner or later. I am who I am, right? You tried to change me. What happened to that? You still got arrested right? The case happened right? You banishing me, worked for how long, 10 years? And you still think I put you in here?” Alec breathed.

“People will not find out if you don’t kiss and tell. I wouldn’t get arrested if you didn’t tell them. Your confession put me here.” Robert hissed.

“Well, then you should know that people now know Alec Lightwood never died. They know about Alec Lightwood and about the deal, Dad. Your reputation, the Lightwood name that matters so much to you… it’s already gone. I was your son, I always will be, whether you and I like it or not.”

“No. You are not my son. You are a disgrace in the name of Lightwood. Jonathan is my son. He’s the true Lightwood. He is the heir of Lightwood.”

“You think I don’t know why you love Jace so much? You hoped that Jace would inherit the Herondale money and bring all that to you. That’s why you love Jace so much. Because he’s a Herondale because he’s still the sole heir of Herondale.”

“Don’t talk to me like that. You have no idea how much I love Jonathan.”

“You disgrace Max. You can deny me, but Max? How could you do this to him? He was your son. Jace can never be a true Lightwood. At least he’s not as cunning as you if being a Lightwood means that. Max was supposed to be the heir. But you killed him.”

“Don’t you dare to put Max’s death on me. If you weren’t one lousy bastard, he’d be alive and I’d have two heirs. You know nothing about Jonathan. I brought him up. I raised him. He’s my true son. He’s never let me down.”

“First of all, I don’t care. I haven’t cared what you think since you killed Max. And second of all, which I’m so fucking happy to let you know, is that you are in here, in jail because of that true son of yours who never let you down.”

“What?” Robert was genuinely shocked.

“Jace reopened the case after he took over the company. He then brought in Izzy and brought you down. They provided enough evidence to the police to bring you and Hodge, both down. Glad to tell you, Hodge is rotting somewhere too.”

“You’re lying. Jonathan would never do that to me. I am his father. He loves me.” Oh, how Alec loved watching his father squirming in denial like that.

“Yeah, keep telling that to yourself. If one thing Jace did right being a Lightwood, that’s putting you in here. So damn proud of my parabatai and baby bird.”

“No, you’re lying. You lying son of a bitch. You should’ve died that night.”

“And I’m still alive, on my own for 13 years. I was a Lightwood. I kept my stupid deal for 10 years, just like you did. And Jace, found evidence against you the moment he took over the business. And I thought you knew better.”

“Why are you here? Why have you come now?” Robert was in stress.

“Just one question, dad, I need one honest answer from you. That’s all.”

“Yeah, as if that’s gonna happen. I’m telling you nothing.” Robert smirked.

“In that case, I have to tell you that as much as you tried to destroy me, Dad, I still became a lawyer. I can still invoke my authority. And if I do that then I’ll drag you to court again and make sure you never ever get to see the sun until you die.” Alec steeled his heart, his voice sharpened.

“You are a lawyer?” Robert was shocked again.

“Don’t be so shocked, Dad. I’m not here as the lawyer, not yet. So don’t test my patience. Just tell me what you’ve done to mom.” Alec scoffed.

“What?”

“Jace and Izzy have recently found me out. They know I’m alive. They know a lot more than we ever wanted them to know. They told me they love me. They want me back in their life. But you know what’s weird? They never mentioned mom. She never came to meet me. I know she’s alive. I know there’s something they’re not telling me. And I’m kinda sure it’s about her. So either you tell me and I leave you here, in peace with your 25 years sentence or I make your life a living hell. The choice is yours.”

“Jonathan and Isabelle know everything, huh? That explains why those disrespectful bastards never came to visit.” Robert scoffed.

“Watch your mouth.” Alec grumbled dangerously.

“She wouldn’t stop blaming me for Max and you. God knows why she was so sad. I gave her the drugs to shut her up but that woman wouldn’t just stop. She was never fit to be married into Lightwood. And after your death news, she lost her marbles. I put her in a mental hospital.”

Alec was stunned for a moment, his heart racing badly that it hurt to even breathe, “Congratulations, Mr. Robert Lightwood. You’ve earned yourself a lifetime sentence by committing your crime toward Mrs. Maryse Lightwood.”

“Wait, what? You can’t do that. You promised.” Robert wailed.

“Never a true Lightwood, right dad?” Alec smirked getting up from the chair, “You’ll never ever see the light of day. I’ll personally make sure of that. You keep forgetting that if I didn’t love Jace like I did as a kid if I didn’t beg you to let him stay with us, you’d never have Jace. I can’t forget that you loved me once as much to let Jace be with me, to let him be a Lightwood. But now I wonder if that was part of your plan too.” Guards came in to restrain Robert and give Alec his crutch back, “I just needed closure, dad. This is my closure. Goodbye.” And he was out of the door as Robert screamed something incoherent.

 

**142 – I’m only human**

Raphael always went to the loft on Saturday mornings to do some cleaning, restock the fridge, check the balcony doors and windows and reset the security alarms and all. Since Magnus moved with Alec, he came to the loft a lot less than Raphael had initially thought. So eventually it came on him to take care of the place. He always had a key to the place like Ragnor and Catarina for any emergency. Magnus only visited the loft when he needed any important document or his drawing supplies. Otherwise, he was perfectly at home in Alec’s little apartment.

That morning when Raphael opened the door, he instantly felt the drop in the temperature of the loft. A sudden chill ran through him. The takeaway coffee cup almost fell out of his hands as he crossed the foyer and saw the mess.

The whole drawing room was littered with crushed paper balls. Raphael placed the coffee cup on the side table and went inside. The first thing he saw that the balcony door was open. Paper balls were swirling inside the room with the soft breeze. He went toward the dining area and saw more paper balls. He picked up one and unfolded it to see a rough sketch of eyes, eyebrows, jaws, lips, nose and floppy hair. Looking closer, Raphael realized it was an up-close sketch of Alec. He picked up more balls and most of them had sketches of Alec in various expressions. Raphael awed at Magnus’s ability to capture Alec’s expressions so well. Then some of the sketches were suits with Alec’s posture.

Raphael found Magnus out in the balcony, lying on the cold floor on the stack of sketches, a pencil still wrapped in his fingers. When he went to move Magnus, he noticed the sketch underneath, Alec staring with blank eyes. Magnus had drawn Alec’s eyes with immense detail that it looked real. Raphael was sure by then that Magnus had a breakdown.

“Oh Mags,” Raphael hooked his arms under the sleeping body and carried him inside. He was cold. Raphael put him on the couch and covered him with a warm blanket. He waited for Magnus to wake up while making coffee in the kitchen. When he went to fetch his cold takeaway, he saw Magnus stirring and stretching.

Raphael sat on the rug beside the couch, “Ahoy, wake up. Good morning.” he murmured softly watching Magnus. “Really, smell the coffee, wake up and help me to clean up the mess you’ve made.” It was still soft but strong.

“Raphael? What are you doing here? Where’s Alec?” Magnus looked around in confusion and registered the scene around him, “Shit. I’m in the loft. I left Alec.” he jumped off the couch knocking the mug out of Raphael’s grip spilling coffee on the rug. Raphael looked at it shocked.

“What the hell, Mags? What are you doing here anyway? Sleeping in the balcony, are you serious?” Raphael stood up.

“Jesus Raph, what time is it?” Magnus raked his hand through his hair, “Never mind. I have to go. Gotta find Alec. Hopefully, he hasn’t done anything yet. God damn it, I’m such a fool. I am an idiot. Rag told me not to overthink things and I just left him.” he shoved past a stunned Raphael.

“Wait, what do you mean you left Alec? What is going on, Magnus?” Raphael saw Magnus turning in the middle of the room in circles trying to find something. He spotted his phone on the kitchen island and went to take it. “Magnus, stop for a second. Wait. Breathe. And tell me what the fuck you’ve done.”

“Don’t have time, Raph. I need to go to the apartment right now. I need to talk to Alec. I made a huge mistake, Raph. I need to apologize to him.”

Raphael grabbed his elbow, stopping and forcefully putting Magnus in front of him, “What. Have. You. Done?” he was in his no-nonsense mood.

“I think I’ve broken up with Alec.” Magnus murmured looking down at his phone.

“‘You think’? Why the fuck would you do that?” Raphael was scowling at him.

“I messed up, Raph, big time.” Magnus pulled at his hair.

“Clearly… But why, what happened? Did he say something? Did he do something?”

“No. This time I did it. I over thought things - over analyzed it and I let him down.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You remember David? Alec’s ex, your friend?” Magnus paused to Raphael nodding, “Last Tuesday he suddenly was at the apartment. Alec called him for Cat’s wedding wines.”

“Yeah, Cat told me about the favor. But David was there? Did he meet Alec? So that’s why he was at the club that night.” Raph nodded at something.

“He went to meet you too?” Magnus frowned.

“No. He went to drink there. Then wailed about how much he would miss Alec.”

“He… What?” Magnus spat indulgently.

“David really loved him I think. But Alec wasn’t into it. He promised to never have relationships with customers. That was one clause I was happy to have in the employment deal with him. And technically David wasn’t a customer. Even so, Alec had informed me after their first date. That’s why I knew.”

“You never told me that.” Magnus was mad.

“I didn’t think it was important. I still don’t. David knew he’d get his heart broken with Alec. Yet he tried. Alec did that to you too? Did he hurt you? I swear I’m gonna kill him. Nobody hurts my brother.” Raphael perked up.

“No, it isn’t like that. But David did try to reconcile with Alec again.” Magnus dropped his shoulders. He was tired. He had been drawing all night trying to calm himself. “David was at the apartment to deliver the wines. They talked and drank some. David offered if Alec ever wanted to try, he’d want to be with him again. Alec never informed me about the meeting or that he was really helping Cat. I went home sooner that evening and found Alec downright shocked and flustered. He kissed me like… I don’t know… it felt weird. He seemed guilty. Then suddenly David came out of the room and I recognized him. Alec introduced me as the love of his life… the same words mom had used to praise dad to Robert. The similarity of the situations… I couldn’t breathe.” He dropped on the rug beside the couch.

“When I asked, he didn’t even deny that David took a chance on him. He didn’t deny their relationship, the dating and all.” Magnus gestured with his hand vaguely leaving it for Raphael to imagine, “Just like how mom came out to dad. I could literally see mom in Alec, the way they both talked about their past and things they’d done. He wouldn’t meet my eyes when David was there, just like mom wouldn’t when dad talked about his meetings with Robert. Alec said things that I know he wouldn’t ever say like that without any reason.” he closed his eyes remembering Alec’s pale face, his blank expressions.

“And then I saw bruises all over his face, Raph. When I asked he said he was trying to walk by himself. He isn’t fit to do that, Raph. He wasn’t supposed to put pressure on it. Those bruises, they fucking made me feel like a loser as if I wasn’t there for him when he needed me. I went to work. I left him home alone. Most of the days I wouldn’t even call him during the day and I knew he wouldn’t call me because he didn’t want to disturb me. Maybe that’s why he was so intent on having David as a friend. Like mom always had someone on the side whenever she needed. I should’ve been there to help him to walk; I should’ve known he was trying.” Magnus was on the verge of having another breakdown.

“I feel guilty, Raph. I feel guilty that he can’t think of me as a friend. I should’ve been there to protect him from David. But he never told me David was coming. As if he was trying to keep the meeting secret, hidden from me. Why didn’t he tell me, Raph?” Magnus had his knees up and resting his elbows on them. Slowly his head leaned down too. Raphael shifted closer to sit beside him.

 

**143 – Carry on my wayward son**

Alec was wobbly on his legs. His crutches barely supported his tall frame. He somehow managed to hobble out of the room and met the warden. That man probably understood the situation and helped Alec to the gate in comfortable silence. His mind was racing; his brain was about to burst. He got into the car and George, his driver, without saying a word drove away from the prison facility.

After a few long minutes, George had to ask, “Where to sir?”

Alec blankly stared back at him through the rearview mirror before finding his voice, “Umm, back to the city. I’ll just make a few calls. If I get an address, I’ll let you know. Otherwise take me home, please.”

Alec did what he said. He called his contacts in the health department. When he used to work with Lydia in child protection services, he had made a few contacts in different departments. He didn’t know someday he’ll find that as a blessing.

After a long call of being on hold for most of the time and routing through different offices, he had gotten a probable address. “George, can you take me to Winchester Boulevard in Queens? I’ll tell you the number later.” George nodded.

Next 49 minutes they spend in silence except when Alec had to tell the house number. To distract himself Alec had put on his ear pods. The familiar voice of a woman filled him with the lyrics that only seemed the words Alec would tell himself at that moment.

_“One misstep, you're mine_

_And you better stay clever if you wanna survive_

_Once you cross the line_

_You'll be wishing you would listen when you meet your demise_

_Your heart hits like a drum_

_The hunt has just begun_

_Monsters stuck in your head...”_

Or as if Life was mocking at him.

It was another battle when he reached his destination. They wouldn’t let him in as easily as he got into the prison. He needed more proof to show and was made to wait. So instead he pursued the doctor.

“Please take a seat, Mr. Lightwood. I’m Oliver Sable, the doctor.”

“Nice to meet you, Dr. Sable,” Alec tried modesty and shook his hand with the doctor, “I’m here to meet…”

“Yes, I’ve heard you when you said it the first time. Mr. Lightwood, I’m sure you understand my hands are tied here.” Dr. Sable was frank.

“I do, Doctor. But it’s important for me too.” Alec begged.

“How did you find out about this place? I thought the family kept it quiet.”

“I didn’t ask them actually. I don’t want them to know yet. I’ll be glad if you also don’t let them know too that I’ve been here. I didn’t even know that something happened to her. I just found it just hours ago and I tried every medical center to find her.”

“But still, Mr. Lightwood, even if I believe you, I can’t let this happen without formal documents. For all I know, you’re supposed to be dead. That’s the very reason my patient is here for the past 3 years.”

“I do understand that. And I’m glad that Jace and Izzy finally managed to get her out from wherever Dad had put and left her to die.”

“It’s amazing that she’s still alive after all that.” Dr. Sable mused.

“What if you let me see her once? I’m sure she’ll recognize me.” Alec desperately hoped it’d work.

“Mr. Lightwood, I’m afraid she doesn’t recognize anybody.” Dr. Sable breathed.

“What? What do you mean?” Alec was confused.

“The drugs she was injected with and the years of improper treatment she received; it affected her brain, mostly her memories and ability to recognize people from her past. She doesn’t remember much, neither has she recognized anyone.”

“Jace and Izzy?” Alec asked in hopeless hope. The doctor shook head saying no.

Alec was shaking. He couldn’t think. He focused on his breathing. “Please, there has to be some way. Just let me see her once, please. I need to see her. She’s my mother, please.” He begged; tears pooled his eyes. “Do a DNA test or whatever if you want. But just let me see her.”

“That might actually work but it’s not under my authority to do that. Maybe if we receive an official report from the police department, maybe that can work, I don’t know. I’m sorry, Mr. Lightwood, I can’t help you more than this.” Dr. Sable shrugged.

“Just today, please, just let me meet her once. Next time I’ll come with all the documents you need. Just… I’m begging you, Dr. Sable… please.” His voice broke.

Dr. Sable looked at him intently deep in his thoughts. Alec was about to tear at his hair. When he promised Robert that he’d never see the light of day, he didn’t think to find his mother like that. He was wondering for the first time ever why he hadn’t killed Robert some day in the past 13 years.

“Mr. Lightwood, there’s one thing I can do tonight. Obviously, I’ll be risking a lot but I’m still willing to try this.” Dr. Sable kept a straight face.

“What? What is it? Can I see her?” Alec jerked his head up to the doctor.

“Maryse doesn’t remember much. She doesn’t recognize your siblings. I want to see if she can recognize you if you can be her trigger. I’m willing to do this only hoping it’ll help her and strictly for research purpose.”

“So you mean I can meet mom?” Alec let his hope up again.

“Only after you answer me three questions and I’ll be in the room with you, overviewing the interaction.” There was the slightest hint of a smile on Dr. Sable.

“Great. I’ll do it. If I can meet her, I’ll do anything. Ask away.” Alec was speechless.

“First: Alec’s favorite sport. Second: his favorite color. Third: his favorite accessory.” Dr. Sable cocked his head waiting for answers.

Alec chuckled a little, “I don’t know if these are publicly known or not. But if you ask me, I’m not really a sports person unless you consider Archery. I don’t have a favorite color but Mum always said I look better in blue, cobalt blue, although I always chose black over anything. I’m not an accessories person either. But I always loved my black leather band watch.” He slid up his sleeve to show the watch on his left wrist.

“Okay then, just wait here until I come and get you to her.” Dr. Sable finally smiled fully, nodding his head approving the answers. They give each other a smile and Alec waited for 10 minutes or so before walking down a deserted corridor brightly lit with fluorescent lights.

“Your siblings wanted absolute comfort for her. So they got this private room where she can be herself. Other than her nurse and me, only Isabelle comes to visit. Jonathan is more reserved, I think. He doesn’t come often. So I have to prepare you first - don’t push her if she doesn’t reply. Keep your calm and approach carefully. Do nothing surprising. Do you understand?” Dr. Sable asked.

Alec only managed to nod. Dr. Sable opened the door of the room. He heard a piece of faint soothing music going on in the background. The room was fairly lit, brightly colored walls. There were some pictures taped on a board on the wall. He recognized those pictures as their childhood pictures, Jace, Izzy, Max and him. There was no Robert. He looked around to see a guitar on a stand beside the empty bed. The bathroom was on the other side of the room.

But Alec didn’t see her. He panicked for a moment before he saw Dr. Sable walking to the left side of the suite. He saw a big glass paneled window with couple couches there. A black-head was peeking above the backrest of one of the couch. His eyes went to Dr. Sable who urged him to go forward. He took a deep breath and a couple of steps before he stopped dead. He was just behind the couch, his hand raised a little when he finally recognized the music.

That very same song he hadn’t heard in 13 years or sang.

That very first song Alec learned to play completely by himself on guitar.

That very line Maryse had used as her final words before Alec had left – _“There will be peace when you’re done...”_

Alec stood stock still.

 

**144 – Raphael saves the day**

“Then I lashed out. I fell in that dummy pit of past. I locked him out. I couldn’t help but see how similar all of it was with mom and dad. She was always successful to cheat on dad. It took me to walk in on her to realize. She was kissing someone in dad’s study, the man half naked and she…” Magnus’s eyes went blank for a moment, “Well, she begged me to keep it under just to not hurt dad. She promised me it was one time and a mistake.” He kept on talking; his body protectively curling into himself. It was a past which only Ragnor had an inkling of. He never shared with anyone else.

“And then there was Robert. He came over many times when dad wasn’t there. They were fucking each other under the same roof she shared with dad. She didn’t even bother to go to a hotel or something. They always made a fool of dad and me. She tried to hide but I found out again. And again I kept it quiet, for dad. I shouldn’t have done that. I could’ve saved dad. I could’ve saved everything, Raph… and I didn’t.”

“It’s not on you, Mags. They both were consenting adults. Your dad, he didn’t see it. You couldn’t have done anything.” Raphael hugged a shaking Magnus.

“I could’ve, Raph. I could’ve told dad. Dad always turned a blind eye because he loved her. He really fucking loved her, unconditionally. He was just trying to make a better life for us. It wasn’t his fault if he lost himself too much in work. Mom never made an effort to keep it together. Instead, she just went out to get it.” His voice rose slightly, hate for his mother laced in the words.

“What does it have to do with Alec? He cheated on you?” Raphael asked.

“Alec would never cheat on me, I know that. Cheating changed his life too. He knows the feeling. The point is I love Alec too, unconditionally. And that’s what bothers me. I just don’t understand why he wants me.” Magnus murmured. Raphael scowled and leaned a bit away to look at him. Magnus continued with a sigh, “Even though the situation seemed ridiculously same with my parents and I can’t even explain it more because it so fucking damn hurts that I even compared Alec with mom…” Magnus breathed, “It’s Alec who bothers me more.”

“He’s so fucking different than mom.” Magnus said when Raphael cocked his head urging him to explain more.

“And that’s not good?” Raphael shook his head in resign, “You’ve lost me again.”

“At some situations, Alec is similar with mom but honestly, he isn’t. He’s not at all similar to her at all. And it’s confusing. I mean, I would’ve understood Alec better if he was same as mom. It seriously would’ve made life easier for me.” Magnus shook his head vehemently covering his ears, “I can’t believe I just said that. Alec is the best person I can ever have and I just wished he was same as mom. God, this is so sick.”

“Yeah, you wouldn’t love him in the first place if that was the case.” Raphael smirked.

“Exactly… I wouldn’t give him a single chance in the first place. But Alec isn’t like her. He’s not like his dad. Alec is just Alec… way too different. There’s so much about him that I just don’t understand. I tried to hold on but I can’t, Raph. He is not someone I’ve ever come across. That initially made me fall for him but it’s all too different now. I don’t know how to do this. Love is not everything to live, you know. There are so many other factors that matter as much as love. Some of them Alec always found incapable to give or accept. He never posed as otherwise. But now I’m finding the same. I’m incapable of many things too. I keep questioning myself if I can do this for the next 5 years. Hell, I don’t even think about whole life. And I’m scared. What if we both hurt each other too much to come back? When we met first, I had only seen a part of him. Now I see more, every day, his love, his hate, his passion, his struggles, his joy, his pain… and it’s too much. Maybe if he was like mom, it would’ve been better.” Magnus shrugged unintelligently.

“No, it wouldn’t be. Alec is Alec. He is not like anyone else specifically. He is he and he is here for you. And you are not like your father too.” Raphael rolled his eyes.

“He never loved anyone, Raph. He never wanted a relationship. He wouldn’t commit to anyone. And then suddenly he does all that for me. Why?”

“Isn’t that Love? And why do you say he never loved anyone or commit in a relationship? Relationships and love are always not about a partner in life. They are also for other people in our life too. Alec loves his sibling, right? He went through all that to protect them, right? Those are the relationships he committed to with all his honesty. And then Michael, Lydia, Madzie… they are the relations Alec chose to commit to. I’ve seen how much he cares for Simon. I’ve seen how he helped Maia. I’ve seen him goofing with Luke. I’ve seen him protecting Ash and Jessie from stupid customers. He’s even protective about that stupid bike of his, calls her “Baby”. He cared about all of them in his own way. And David, he never lied to David. He never gave David false hope about love, relationship or commitment. It was David who chose to take a chance. And Alec still cared enough to stay friends with him.” Magnus suddenly realized that it was probably first time in a long time Raphael used so many words.

“And that proves what love means to him. Didn’t you promise once after your parents that you wouldn’t love anyone? Didn’t you run away from relationships? Weren’t you scared? You used to have nightmares and panic attacks. And then you met Alec and things changed, right? Maybe that’s how it changed for Alec too. He knows how to love, Mags. He just doesn’t know how to express it. It doesn’t mean he is incapable to love or connect with you. It doesn’t give you a right to question his love. No Mags, I believe, his love is unconditional too and all for you. As much as he affected you, brought you out of your shell… you affected him too. Remember he gave himself a chance for you, just like you gave yourself a chance for him.”

Well, Raphael’s little speech was inspiring or what?

Okay, a little too revealing maybe.

Magnus felt like someone slapped him at first and then gave him a tight hug.

That’s love - unexplained, unrecognizable and unbelievable.

Magnus was moved, floored and woken up roughly at the same time.

“Will you go now?” Raphael asked softly.

“It’s not that simple but I need to explain things to him and apologize.” Magnus uncurled from his protective posture.

“Mags, it really is as simple as that. If you love him, want him, can see yourself growing old and grey and have a litter of cats with him, then talk to him. Tell him how you feel. Ask him if he feels the same. And if he does, then give it a chance. A relationship is not a give-and-take policy. Both parties in it have to make an effort. If you both are willing to make that effort, if you both want each other more than anything, then maybe it’s worth a shot. Maybe it’s worth fighting for. So instead of apologizing, tell him the truth, Mags. Tell him what’s in your heart. Listen to that. It’ll never lie to you.” Raphael was being the inspiring wise one.

“I see kids, Raph, not cats. But thanks for that stupid idea.” Magnus grumbled staring at the empty space above Raphael’s shoulder “Last night before I left, he said if I walk out on him… he didn’t complete the sentence.”

“What do you think he meant?” Raphael gave a skeptical look.

“Then it’s over between us? He’s done with me? I should never go back?” Magnus couldn’t meet his friend’s eyes.

“That’s why you said you broke up with him?” Raphael asked. Magnus nodded. “Maybe it is better you go and find out then. I think Alec needs you now more than ever. Just like you need him. Go. Talk to him.” Raphael pushed his arm shooing him off to the bedroom, “Get ready and go get your man.”

Magnus trudged back, “Raph… you’re the best.” He hugged Raphael.

“Let’s not Ragnor hear that, please.” Raphael chuckled hugging his friend back, “We will always be with you, Magnus. But right now, Alec doesn’t have that support except you. Tell him what you exactly feel.”

They broke the hug, both smiling softly. Magnus went to get ready and Raphael busied himself to pick every paper ball and smooth them. He put them in a neat stack and placed them in Magnus’s study. When he came out, Magnus was gone. He smiled at his friend’s love life. Magnus was always the one to surprise, go-big-or-go-home type. Alec certainly fits Magnus’s drama criteria. He chuckled thinking how those two idiots are perfect for each other, how they complete each other and how they love to dance around each other instead of actually talking to each other.

 

**145 – Don’t you cry no more**

Alec felt like someone dragged the rug from under him. His balance gave out. Before Dr. Sable could react, the crutches fell with a loud clank followed by his knees. A sharp pain ran through his body but he could care less. The song got him paralyzed.

_“Once I rose above the noise and confusion_

_Just to get a glimpse beyond the illusion_

_I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high…”_

He stopped breathing.

_“Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man_

_Though my mind could think I still was a mad man_

_I hear the voices when I'm dreamin', I can hear them say…”_

Dr. Sable was about to come forward to help Alec when he was taken by surprise too. Maryse left her seat and stood up. Her dark hazel eyes followed Alec in front of her, on his knees, looking ahead with blank eyes. She slowly knelt down and wrapped her arms around his shaking body. “What are you doing on the floor? Did you fell again? I asked you to be careful, Alec.”

Alec barely heard those soft words. He felt the arms around him pulling him closer to a body he knew so well. A smell he hadn’t smelt in 13 years overpowered his senses, smell of his mother - honey, lavender and Mum. He didn’t even know when his own hands wrapped around her slender body and he just lost it. Maryse cradled his head in her bosom and they cried. They both cried in relief and sadness. The dams they protected so carefully in them, broke apart by one touch.

Alec couldn’t stop. He felt numb. He felt like he’s finally reached home again. His tears wetting Maryse’s shirt and hers mixing in his hair. “Are you hurt, son? Can you show mum where it hurts? I’m so glad you came back, Alec. I was so worried about you. I told them you’d come back. But nobody listened. Alec… oh my baby boy, my Alexander… please don’t cry sweety, mum is here, okay… together we’ll chase the pain away, ha? Please, stop crying. Please, baby, you’ll make me cry now too.”

“You’re already crying, mum” Alec somehow managed to say and they both chuckled. It felt so normal. It didn’t feel like they’ve been apart for years. Dr. Oliver Sable was out of his sorts though. He didn’t even believe what he saw. Maryse had barely spoken 3 words in 3 years and one look at Alec; she was down on her knees, being the mother.

“I missed you, mum. I’m so sorry I left you. I should’ve come back sooner.” He felt a pressure in his chest from the guilt. “I’m so sorry I hurt you.”

“No, baby, you never hurt me. I told you to go away. I’m sorry, baby. I missed you too.” She sat on the floor, Alec secured in her arms, his knees screaming in pain.

“You remember, mum? You remember what happened?” Alec was bewildered. And so was Dr. Sable. All of it was going beyond his experience and studies.

“Of course, I remember, sweety. 13 years I’ve been waiting for you. 13 years I had no idea what was happening. Robert told me you died. But I never believed it, Alec. I knew you wouldn’t leave me without saying goodbye, not like Max. I never believed it.” Maryse stroked his hair gently shaking her head as if she was trying to make herself believe it, “Oh you’ve grown up so much, Alec. You’ve grown into one handsome man.” She gazed at him fondly. Her fingers traced the lines of his face. Her whole body radiated happiness. Alec held onto her. He didn’t want to let go ever. “You remember this song, Alec? Come on, sing with me, like we used to.” She smiled softly and Alec sat up.

He heard the song again just completing the first part. He realized that the song must’ve been on repeat. He caught the lyrics.

_“Masquerading as a man with a reason_

_My charade is the event of the season_

_And if I claim to be a wise man, it surely means that I don't know…”_

Maryse sang softly with him. His voice shook badly going off beat.

_“On a stormy sea of moving emotion_

_Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean_

_I set a course for winds of fortune, but I hear the voices say…”_

13 years and none of them missed one single lyric. Just to see that content smile on Maryse, Alec could sing a million songs if it required too. He smiled back through tears. He couldn’t believe that fate brought him back where he could sing this song again with Maryse. They sang the hook together.

_“Carry on my wayward son_

_For there'll be peace when you are done_

_Lay your weary head to rest_

_Don't you cry no more…”_

Alec broke into a fresh set of tears and felt Maryse’s fingers wiping his cheeks, repeating the last line, “Don’t you cry no more.” 

Oliver was speechless. He looked at the mother and son gazing at each other with tear stained face and soft loving smiles. Both were glowing in love, radiating happiness. But he couldn’t believe what he just heard. Maryse singing, her confession to Alec, all of it seemed way too unreal. How could he never realize that Maryse remembered it all but chose to not speak of it? How did his treatment fail? How did Maryse do this unexplainable? How did she remember everything and he never found out?

But Alec was her trigger. She dropped her guard the moment her eyes laid on Alec. And Oliver didn’t have any doubt anymore. Even if his experience and study failed him to understand and warned him from believing it, he couldn’t help but believe it. This man truly was Alec Lightwood, with the proofs or without. That woman protected herself, with the intention or without. Their love, their bond, the strength between a mother and a son, came through and protected her.

As much as it was inexplicable, it was the truth, right in front of his eyes. He watched the mother and the son communicating through the silence. The room was quiet but their eyes made the very much needed conversation. Oliver didn’t want to disturb them but he had to when he noticed Alec’s pant was stained with blood. He panicked.

“Mr. Lightwood… Alec…” Oliver gently tapped on his shoulder breaking the hug of the mother and the son, their eyes glazed. Alec seemed he didn’t even realize he was bleeding.

“Dr. Sable…” Alec was way too happy to realize that he had pulled Oliver down on the floor and hugged him tightly, “Thank you, Doc. Thank you so much for trusting me. Thank you for giving me my mum back. Thank you so much.” His chin was on Oliver’s shoulder. Oliver hugged back lightly.

Oliver was speechless again. “Eh… erm… umm… I mean…” he stammered badly. Alec was still hugging him. Maryse chuckled softly and gently rubbing the back of Alec’s shoulder. For the first time, Oliver saw her smiling as much, “Err… Mr. Lightwood…”

“Call me Alec, please.” Alec broke the hug and smiled brightly at him.

“Err… right… erm… Alec… your pant…” Oliver looked down. Alec’s eyes followed just as Maryse’s.

“Oh my God, Alec, is that blood? Are you bleeding, honey? Why didn’t you tell me you’ve hurt yourself that bad?” she swiftly rose on her feet holding Alec’s elbow. Oliver and Alec exchanged a small look. Oliver was confused at Alec’s expression but was happy to see Maryse. “Get up now. Carefully, lean on me.” She helped Alec to stand. “Oh dear…” she suddenly squeaked staring at Alec wide-eyed.

“What?” Alec looked troubled. Maryse bit on her lip to stifle her laugh.

“You’re so tall.” Maryse smiled big, her eyes ran over Alec from head to feet.

“Yeah, well, you made me drink that much of milk for a reason right?” Alec smirked trying to hide his blush.

“Come here,” She helped him to the couch. “Sit,” she ordered before turning, “Oliver, can you bring me some antiseptics, please? This boy never takes care of himself, you know?” she sat on the floor cross-legged and rolled up Alec’s pant above his knee. “Oh dear… so much blood. How do you not see where you’re walking to, ha?” she admonished in the most motherly tone.

Oliver saw the pleading and scared look in Alec’s eyes. He was confused as much when Maryse addressed him by his name but Alec looked really different than when he came. He looked down at Alec’s leg at Maryse’s comment of too much blood. “Shit,” escaped his lips before he could even stop himself. He strode across the room and got a big box full of surgical stuff.

“Maryse, I think it’d be better if you let me do it. After all, it is too much blood.” Oliver said gently as he sat beside Maryse on the floor. Maryse moved a bit to let Oliver do his work. She held Alec’s hand. The warmth somehow calmed Alec. He looked at his mom and Oliver. He was blank again.

 

**146 – Was it all my fantasy?**

Magnus ran, with all his might. It was a wrong decision, of course. But he still ran. He ran 11 blocks to reach the apartment. Then he climbed 3 flights of stairs because someone was using the elevator already. He was too impatient to wait.

For the first time in a long time he was sure that not only he made a giant mistake, but also this mistake can cost him way too much. But he had to take the risk of rectifying it. He couldn’t leave Alec.

All the way he ran being sure that Alec was at home waiting for him. He was scared thinking if Alec had done something to himself, but he was sure Alec would be at home. Boosted by Raphael’s big speech he ran to meet Alec and apologize to him. He didn’t consider the consequences.

He stood in front of the brown wooden door of Alec’s apartment, their home, frozen and unable to ring the bell. That’s when he thought about the consequences. He was sure that Alec would be inside as he was still injured. But what if Alec doesn’t answer or open the door? What would he do then? How would he pursue Alec through a closed door?

He shrugged off his jacket. He was panting and sweating from all the running. It was just after noon only. The jacket made a jingle as it hit the floor. He picked it up and felt the pockets to find the bunch of keys. He pulled it out and saw the apartment key in the bunch. A small hope blossomed. Then he remembered how he had left Alec, without any word or even a goodbye. When he left after what Alec had said, he kinda made the statement by leaving.

What if Alec took that as an answer that Magnus doesn’t wanna be with him anymore?

What if Alec thought Magnus broke up with him?

What if Alec assumed that Magnus had had enough?

What if Alec gave up on him?

What if Alec wasn’t waiting for him anymore?

What if Alec wasn’t willing to fight for him anymore?

Magnus ran away when things became too much for him. What if… there were so many what-ifs. And Magnus had no idea what to believe at that moment. He ran a hand through his hair and took a deep breath to steady himself for Alec’s reaction, whatever that be. He gently knocked on the door. There was no reply.

He knocked again, harder. He rang the bell multiple times. Again there was no reply. He met with silence. His heart started to race. What if something happened to Alec and he can’t answer the door?

“Alec? Alexander?” he rapped on the door, “Open the door, please. It’s me, Magnus.” He pressed his ear on the door in case he could hear something. “Alec? I know you’re in there. Please open the door, baby. Please.” He tried to listen again but there was nothing.

He started to panic and rapped louder, “Alexander? Honey, you’re scaring me. I get it if you’re angry with me. I left last night and I was wrong. I didn’t mean to leave like that. It was too much for me. Please, baby, just let me in and we can talk. I love you, Alec, only you. Please let me in.” Again there was silence.

“Alexander, seriously, you’re scaring me now. At least just say something so I know you’re there and listening to me. Please, baby, give me a sign.” He waited, “Alec, love, please don’t do this to me. Don’t keep quiet like this, please, it’s killing me. I’m sorry, Alec. I’m so sorry I hurt you. You wanna punish me, fine. But just lemme know you’re okay.” He was on the verge of crying. Bile of panic rose in his throat. He fisted on the door, loud and desperately.

“Alec, I swear to God, if you don’t open the door now…” He paused hoping the threat will work. That it’ll make Alec angry and reply something. But he found out Alec was more stubborn; he had every right to be. After all, Magnus hurt him a lot. If Magnus was in Alec’s place, probably he’d do the same. The silence remained. “Gods help me, Alec, I mean it. Open the door or answer me or I’ll break it down.” He pounded on the door this time.

In utter desperation Magnus just said it. He hoped Alec would take the bait and soften up thinking Magnus would hurt himself by actually kicking the door down. He wanted to use the key. But nothing happened. Scared Magnus put the key in the lock, “Alec, I don’t care, I’m coming in now.” He murmured a silent prayer to God, _Angry, mad, sad, throwing things, verbally making me feel like the biggest jerk in the whole world, I will take anything. Just let him be okay, alive and in one piece, please._ He turned the key and unlocked it with a click. He pushed the door wide open and looked inside.

The room was empty. He had half hoped to see Alec, sitting there in his wheelchair, glaring at him with mad eyes. But Alec wasn’t there. He got more scared. He called, “Alec? Where are you?”

His voice echoed through the apartment. Worried Magnus dashed into the bedroom. The bed was made and the room was empty. He tapped on the bathroom door, “Alec? Are you there?” and no answer came. He opened the door to see it empty.

He ran outside. He checked the storeroom, kitchen and balcony; didn’t leave the spare bathroom, under the bed and behind the couch… Alec was nowhere. The empty bottle of Chopin was on the kitchen island and the wheelchair was hidden behind bedroom door which he found later. His heart jumped in his chest, badly.

He tore at his hair, panicking and worrying. He then saw the paper note on the dining table placed under a glass bowl in Alec’s handwriting – _“Hey, Madz, sorry, I didn’t inform you before. I didn’t want you to stop me. I had to go. I’ll be turning off my GPS. Stay here. Lock the door. Call your mom. Don’t answer the door until she comes. Don’t tell them anything, please. I’ll be fine and back soon and tell you everything. Till then, hold the fort. Love ya.”_

Magnus stared at the note blankly. He felt another paper under that, _“Magnus - in case you’re here - I’m sorry. Maybe it’s for better. Maybe this is how it should’ve always been. Maybe this… us, were never meant to be. It wasn’t your fault. You tried. I hurt you so much. I’m sorry I tested your limit. Thanks for tolerating me for so long. Thanks for the memories you gave me. Go home. Take care of yourself. Make more memories. You deserve better than me.”_

So Alec did give up on them and thought it’s for better.

So Alec did give up and accepted the break-up.

So Magnus finally did manage to utterly, royally, badly, ingeniously screw it up with Alec. He and his insecurities can go to hell and be damned. All the “what ifs” became true.

“Thanks, mom,” Magnus muttered in daze, hatred and sarcasm, “Thanks for screwing me so much that I didn’t recognize Alec, that I let him go.”

Tears filled his eyes. Air chocked him. He sat on the floor cradling those papers to his chest, with the ugliest fear of where Alec was, the greatest worry of how Alec was and the damned hope that Alec would be back soon.

Magnus sat on the floor, waiting.

 

**147 – Don’t you worry child**

Alec was fidgeting. He was badly fidgeting. Not because he was bleeding and Oliver was treating him. But he felt something weird. Something he couldn’t explain. Something he knew was there but he couldn’t figure out. Maryse looked so better than he hoped. Actually, Maryse was better. She was never seriously ill or injured. His father’s words were turning in his head. There were so many questions suddenly that he couldn’t find answers.

How did Maryse survive all the drugs Robert gave her?

How could she still be better if she received improper treatment for years?

How is it possible that nothing affected her, not the way Robert or others presumed?

Why did she refuse to recognize Jace and Izzy?

Why didn’t she talk to anyone, ask for help? Oliver here seemed like a good guy and a good doctor. So why didn’t she trust him?

What the hell was happening?

He looked blankly at his mother without noticing Oliver was treating his bullet wound. It didn’t occur to him that he should mention it before Oliver recognized.

“Alec, sweety, you alright?” Maryse stroked his arm softly. He was pulled out of his reverie and winced instantly. The antiseptic stung.

“Sorry, sorry. I didn’t realize it’s this bad. What happened?” Oliver bit his tongue before he could spill more. Obviously, Alec didn’t want his mother to know that he was shot at the knee and the wound was still raw and healing. “It seems like an old wound.” He said carefully.

“Yeah, it is.” Alec really didn’t want to talk about it, not in front of Maryse. But a mother’s eyes caught his hesitation.

“Old wound? Why is it bleeding now then? What happened, Alec?” she asked, genuinely concerned.

“It’s nothing, mum. I fell badly. It’s still healing.” Alec lied. His eyes trained on Oliver to support him.

“It’s really nothing, Maryse. I was just concerned about the blood. It really seems nothing.” Oliver smiled, keeping up the ruse. “Do you mind if I put on a bandage? You need it.” He said to Alec who just nodded.

Maryse stood up suddenly and crossed the room. Alec whispered a thank you to Oliver who whispered back asking him to keep the bandage this time. Alec felt a blush remembering why he had ripped the old bandage. She came back with the guitar he saw before.

“Remember you had one like this?” she smiled and put it in Alec’s lap. “I don’t know if you still have that one. You took it with you. So I had to find one like that. Nurse Lena helped me to find it. Isn’t it beautiful?”

“Yes, mum, it’s beautiful.” He smiled back not understanding her point. He was confused why a nurse helped her to find a guitar and why and how she asked for help without giving anything away. He didn’t understand why she did what she did.

“Well, play it then. Sing a song for us.” Maryse said nonchalantly. Oliver’s hands stopped mid work; his eyes jumping from mother to son. Alec gaped at her.

“What? No.” he squeaked. “I haven’t played in years. I don’t know… I can’t play.”

“Of course you can play.” She pushed the guitar further in his lap, “You were an excellent player, Alec. I’m sure you still can play. Go on. Sing a song.” She was being so cheerful that he couldn’t turn her down. He looked at Oliver begging with his eyes to save him from the situation. Oliver just shrugged and went back to his work. Alec gulped.

He took the guitar in his hands and remembered the last time he played. He was in Boston, playing on the sidewalk and people gave him money. It worked well until one by one the cords gave out and he had to sell it for more money. Holding a guitar again brought back so many memories. He remembered when he got the first guitar he used to play for Jace, Izzy, Max and Maryse. He could sing well too. Absentmindedly, his fingers moved on their own to tune the guitar and check the chords. He gave some mindless strum before a song came to him.

It was a song from his days in Texas when he learned to mix cocktails. It wasn’t a song to play on guitar but the lyrics stayed with him. He gave a few more strums before he caught the tune and hummed. The lyrics came slowly. He closed his eyes and let himself go. Maryse and Oliver gazed at him with soft eyes and smiles.

_“There was a time; I used to look into my father's eyes_

_In a happy home, I was a king I had a golden throne_

_Those days are gone, now the memories are on the wall_

_I hear the sounds from the places where I was born…”_

Alec skipped the hook. He was never a fan of doing the hook in the middle even though that’s how the original song was. He’d always save it for the end. And in this particular song, the hook was the prime, high and full of notes. He needed time to get comfortable before he could hit them effortlessly. Instead, he played the music of the hook letting his fingers get comfortable. The singer in him took over his body. The vibration of the guitar hummed in his veins.

_“There was a time; I met a boy of a different kind_

_We ruled the world,_

_Thought I'll never lose him out of sight_

_We were so young_

_I think of him now and then_

_I still hear the songs, reminding me of a friend…”_

Alec intentionally changed the lyric. In the original song, it was ‘girl’. But he couldn’t stop thinking about Magnus. So his tongue and mind effortlessly changed it into a ‘boy’. All the ‘her’s to ‘him’s. Magnus was still on his mind. He couldn’t forget those dark chocolate eyes. His heart clenched as Magnus’s smiling face filled his memory. His voice broke, his eyes were glazed again. This time he sang the hook.

_“Up on the hill across the blue lake_

_That's where I had my first heartbreak_

_I still remember how it all changed_

_My father said_

_Don't you worry, don't you worry child_

_See heaven's got a plan for you_

_Don't you worry, don't you worry now, yeah…”_

Alec tried to play the techno beat that followed the hook in the original song but he missed a lot. So he went back to singing the hook the again, this time he replaced the word, from ‘father’ to ‘mother’. He could feel Maryse was smiling more. He could feel Oliver’s hand still on his leg. He felt happy. He felt like everything was better. Except that Magnus didn’t leave his mind at all.

 

**148 – You can’t always get what you want**

“You truly are a talented man. You sing so well.” Oliver and Alec walked to the gate after the visiting hour was over. Alec was on his feet with the crutches. Maryse had kissed him good night. The rest of the conversation with Maryse wasn’t anything but about music and childhood stories. She shamelessly shared Alec’s funny and embarrassing memories that he hadn’t much recollection of any more, with Oliver. Together they laughed. Oliver realized that even though Alec was happy to have Maryse back, he wasn’t exactly ready to get into the actual topic they needed to talk about. It seemed like Alec was desperately trying to hold on to the happiness of having his mother back and not taint the moment by talking about the past. What has happened has already happened.

“Thanks for the bandage,” Alec gave a polite smile, “And keeping the ruse and for not telling her anything.”

“I thought you’d want to end this day on a good note. I’m sure you’ll tell her if or when you feel so.” Oliver was considerate and quite handy with a suture kit for a psychiatrist.

“Thanks for the vote of confidence but I don’t think I’m ready to talk to her about everything. I need time to understand things myself, you know.” They were slowly walking down the corridor.

“I can only try to understand, Alec. I mean, I don’t know much about the case and Maryse came here with just her history. Your siblings never shared much either, other than…” Oliver bit his lip.

“Other than… What?” Alec obviously noticed the hesitance in his voice.

“I actually knew about you.” Oliver stopped walking and faced Alec.

“Knew about me?” Alec was confused.

“I knew you’re alive. I knew you were in coma and you just recovered… what 6 weeks ago?

“They told you?” Alec wasn’t much shocked, “Wait… you knew who I was and yet you asked for documents? You had to give me hard time huh?” he feigned anger.

Oliver bit his lip again, trying not to smile at Alec’s tone, “Okay, I’m sorry about that. I needed to do the procedure and make sure you exactly are who you claimed to be. I couldn’t just straight up trust you. Isabelle told me about you but I never saw you except those old photographs in the room.”

“That’s why all those questions?” Alec was biting his lip too. His eyes gave up that he was trying not to laugh, “Those were lame and stupid questions.”

“Sometimes lame and stupid works better, Alexander. I got the answers I wanted, you know.” Oliver gave a smile. Alec jumped at the name. He tried to gulp down the chocking feeling he got. He could hear Magnus’s voice, in back of his mind.

“How did you know the answers? Mum never talked right?” Alec enquired.

“It was Isabelle.” Oliver continued seeing Alec confused, “When Maryse came here as my patient, I had interviewed Jonathan and her for any kind of information they could share with me to help Maryse. That’s when I got to know about Max and you. Just like them, I was surprised too when she told me about you being well and alive. I had hoped to meet you and use you to trigger Maryse’s memory since then. But honestly, I didn’t hope for this outcome at all. I am more surprised than I’ve ever been in my whole professional life I think.”

Alec gave a small smile and a nod in return. Oliver continued, “Although her memory has surely befuddled me, I’m glad she’s okay. I’m happy that you’re here and you both are happy. It’s not always we get to see happy endings in cases like this.” Oliver smirked but Alec couldn’t reply. Magnus was back in his mind again.

Alec chided to himself more than to Oliver, “Yeah, you’re right about that. We don’t always get what we want. Like I didn’t think I’d be here tonight when I left home this morning.”

“Alec, as a professional, I’m just saying. Don’t take it as otherwise.” Oliver hesitated, “I’m here if you need me. I’d like to talk to you, about everything. I can only imagine what you’ve been through, being away from your loved ones for so long. So if you ever feel like talking, you can come by here. I’ll try my best to help you because, after everything, I think you might need it.”

“Umm, I like the offer. I’ll keep that in mind.” Alec didn’t expect it but was glad that Oliver offered. It’s something he hadn’t considered before but Magnus and he talked about it once. He had gotten angry when Magnus suggested that. He never thought of himself as mentally scarred or something for everything that happened but maybe it would be good to finally have someone to talk to without being judged. Maybe a professional help can actually help him.

“Just this morning I met the man who did this to us and promised that he’d never see the light of day ever again.” Alec started causing Oliver to look at him, “All through the day, I didn’t even dare to imagine mum’s reaction to see me. I got more than I bargained for. But, right now, I don’t think I wanna talk. I just want to be with mum. And I’m happy that she’s okay. But it’s still too much for me to process everything. So thanks for getting me out of there. I love her but right now, her enthusiasm is a bit too much. Way too many things have happened.”

“Hey… No pressure.” Oliver laid a hand on Alec’s upper arm, softly rubbing in slow circles. “I just wanted to give you an option. Do you mind if I ask you something?” They had reached the gate almost. Alec nodded in response.

“Do you have a relationship?” he asked and Alec’s head snapped at him, eyes wide, “I mean you aren’t exactly dead like everybody thought. So I’m guessing you lived under other pretenses. In that case, people mostly keep themselves away from any social engagements and that affects their lifestyle as well as their mentality. You don’t seem to have gone that far. That’s why I’m asking if you love someone or currently in a relationship or have had, maybe. Because this relationships, they actually help people to be grounded, to be more aware of the reality. You seem to be someone who lives in the real world.”

“Did you just psychoanalyze me or something?” Alec chuckled, to lighten the mood. The last thing he wanted was to have a break down for Magnus, “Because you’re pretty much right.” Oliver cocked an eyebrow at him, “I have a sort of family, you can say. I’ve had a boyfriend with whom I think I’ve just broken up less than 24 hours ago. So yeah, my life is pretty much real. It’s as real as it can get.”

“Okay,” Oliver caught up on Alec’s sarcasm, “Let’s just save this talk for another day, shall we?” he smiled, commending Alec’s effort to be able to talk about a very recent break-up. He couldn’t imagine what Alec must’ve been through. Isabelle had told him about their father and what he did to Maryse and Alec. So he pretty much was sure that Alec had gone to meet the father earlier that day. Just last night he had a break-up and now he just met his mom who changed a lot of things. He couldn’t imagine what’s going on in Alec’s head. “By the way, you should get that wound checked properly. I did the best I could. But I’ll still suggest you check in with your doctor.”  

Alec hummed and nodded, “Just one request if I can make.” Oliver stood to face him. His pale grey eyes intently watching Alec, “Don’t inform Jace and Izzy yet. I want to have some time with mum, get our stories straight. I want to know how much she knows or remember and why she did what she did. Once you inform them, they’ll come here running. They’ll try to take her away, preferably home. She’s still their mother. She’d have to go with them. And I’m not ready to face them yet. I need some time with her alone before I… I jump into this mess. Can you do that for me? Can you hold it back until I’m done? And also you’ll get time to clarify your questions too, right, gain some experience?”

Oliver chuckled, “You play a nasty game of bribery, Alec Lightwood, but I think I’ll take you up on that. If I tell them now, I’ll also have to answer a lot of questions. And honestly, I’m not ready to let her go yet, not without my answers. I’ll be doing a crime and your siblings can sue me anytime but I guess we’ll have to work together for now.” He winked. In reply, Alec gave a smile, a nod and a big hug.

Once Alec was in the car, Oliver said the last thing, “I guess we’ll meet soon. You have my number. Call me if you need something.” Alec and he said their goodbyes.

 

**149 – Why not me**

Magnus didn’t know how long he waited until his sight got black. He realized that the sun had set and the whole apartment was dark. He slowly got up on his feet, turned on a light and saw the watch. It was close to 9 pm.

Tears rolled down his cheeks as he understood the meaning. Alec wasn’t coming home. Alec wasn’t coming back to him. Magnus felt lonely and weird in that apartment. He’d never stayed there without Alec. That place didn’t feel like home without Alec.

Madzie didn’t come either. So Magnus assumed that he’d missed her in the morning. Saturday was their thing. Madzie would come and spend the day with Alec. Those notes were all he had to comfort him that Alec was alive and somewhere. Maybe someday, sooner or later, he’d come home. But how long should he wait?

Alec told him to go home and make new memories. Magnus can only assume that by home, Alec meant his loft. But how did Alec expect Magnus to make new memories without him? Magnus supported him through anything and everything. That’s one time he made mistake, he got overwhelmed and ran. And Alec gave up on him. One time Magnus needed space and Alec gave him the ultimatum. Suddenly the sadness turned into anger. One time Alec couldn’t wait and forgive, could he?

Magnus was mad. He was mad at everything, his past, his vulnerability, his insecurity, his irrational thoughts, everything, but mostly, at Alec. He was angry that Alec didn’t wait for him, that he didn’t give him a chance… that he didn’t fight for him. He was absolutely angry that Alec gave up on them.

“Fuck you, Alec. Fuck everything. One time you couldn’t forgive me, huh! What about all those times I stayed for you? What about all the heartaches you caused me? One time I needed something and you couldn’t give me that. So fuck you, Alec Wayland.” Wiping fresh tears from face, Magnus shouted and yelled at the empty room, “Maybe, you’re right. No, wait… Actually, you are. I do deserve better than you. You hear me? I deserve better than you and I will get better than you. I came to say sorry. I came to tell you that I love you, that I was wrong to do what I did last night… that I made a mistake by walking out on you… that I was wrong to leave than stay and talk to you. But you couldn’t wait for me to slip up so that you could break up with me right? Well, guess what? You got what you wanted. You wanted me to react, huh? And when I did, you just abandoned me. Great… I was such a fool to think you’re any better. You are not. And you’ll never know how I feel about you. You will never ever know.”

Magnus turned on his heels to look around the room. The emptiness of that place was too much for him. He opened the door and stormed out, pulling the door behind him. He didn’t go for the elevator and sped through the stairs. He needed to run, to do something physical to exert his anger. So he left… again.

 

When Alec came out of the elevator of his apartment floor, he saw Magnus crossing the corridor, from his apartment door to the stairs. Before he could recover from the surprise and call, Magnus was gone. Alec was left to assume only the worst. He just saw Magnus running down the stairs.

Stunned, Alec got to his apartment door to see it half closed. He got in and saw Magnus’s apartment key on the side table. He looked at the dining table and saw the notes gone.

For a moment he had hoped that maybe he’d seen wrong, hoped that it wasn’t Magnus. But all the indications were there. Magnus came and left, leaving his key. Alec was a bit shocked to see that he only took his laptop and work documents. His clothes, belongings, photos, hair products, bottles of drinks, coffee mugs and all were left in their places. Probably Magnus didn’t want to take back anything related with Alec. With the man, Magnus left everything behind, the things and the memories.

Alec closed the bathroom door and slumped back on it. He finally let go of the exhaustion of the day. He let the dam break. He didn’t have any intention to stop his tears that night. He let them flow.  

 

**150 – Delivering favors**

Tuesday morning was eventful as Michael had come to stop by and demand answers. Alec knew he couldn’t hide anymore. He needed someone to talk to. So he spilled everything, from meeting Robert to finding Maryse. Michael was obviously shocked and had asked so many questions. Alec answered all of them truthfully except one, about Magnus. He told Michael that Magnus had gone to the office early. It was one thing Alec didn’t have any will left to talk about. He still needed to process how he saw Magnus leaving Saturday night.

 

It was Thursday night when he had reached the apartment door to see Catarina waiting there with a big bag in her arms. He was scared instantly. He felt Cat’s eyes follow him like a hawk as he opened the door and let her in. They didn’t say a word to each other before went inside to change and freshen up a bit. When he came out, he saw Cat was on the couch inspecting a photograph of Alec and Magnus that Magnus insisted on and had put on the side table. It was one of those marks Magnus had left of him. Alec took a deep breath and sat beside her.

“You’re walking again. How is your leg?” Cat was the first one to break the ice.

“It’s… better.” Alec didn’t dare to look at her.

“So… what happened?” Her tone was filled with hesitation.

“I really don’t wanna talk about it,” Alec sighed, “Especially not to you.”

“Why? What’s wrong with talking to me?”

“You’re… you’re his friend. I don’t know what he has told you of if he’s talked to any of you. But you should support him. All you friends are all he’s got. I really don’t want to talk to you so you feel you have to do something or whatever. Be there for him but let me be, please.” Alec mumbled monotonously.

“Let you be?” Cat was surprised and looking at him, “Alec, I’m your friend too. And I don’t know if you have anyone to share things right now. Let me help.”

“Don’t betray him, Catarina. I wouldn’t like him to lose a friend for me. He’s already been through a lot for me.” Alec was still looking down at his feet.

“You’re kidding me, right?” she turned sideways so she could face him properly, “Magnus is hurting and you know that. Then why aren’t you doing something? Why don’t you just call him and talk or ask him to come or go see him? Why aren’t you doing anything Alec? Do you also think Magnus isn’t worth it?”

Alec had to look up at her tone, “No, God, no. I’ll be dead before I’d think he isn’t worth it. Maybe he… he isn’t worth the hurt, Cat. I want him to be happy. And clearly, he can’t be happy with me. I can’t make him happy. He deserves more. He deserves someone who will understand him. He came here, took his things and left. He left his key behind. He didn’t wait for me. Isn’t that clear enough that he’s tired of me? He’d be hurt for a while but he’ll move on. He’ll understand that a pathetic joke like me isn’t worthy of his love, patience or attention. He’ll move on. You guys will help him. He will be fine, Cat.”

Catarina was silent. She was processing. Magnus hadn’t said a word since she met him on Sunday. He got obscenely drunk instead. He didn’t show any emotion at all. She was worried about him. Ragnor was worried about him. At least Alec’s words and Raphael’s story were something to shed some light in it. But she still didn’t understand why Magnus came back but didn’t wait. It didn’t seem like him at all. Magnus wasn’t someone who’d give up that easily. “Why did you ask me to not betray him?”

“Last time when we talked… he thought…” Alec was unsure to say how much, “It’s just a hunch, I guess. Everything was fine until… my past… relationships… came out. And also he had said something like that before he left. He doesn’t handle being lied to well, right? Well, he’s not wrong. I did lie to him. I didn’t tell him a lot of things. And when I did… I guess I can understand if he started to see things differently… see me differently… I’d understand him if that’s the case.” He had shrugged.

“So you’re giving up on him?” Cat was bewildered.

“He was never mine to keep, Cat. He was never mine to give up on. He’s a soul that deserves to be free. It’d be wrong to hold him back in with a bunch of lies. He doesn’t deserve that.” Alec was rubbing his temple. He didn’t want to break.

“I have no freaking idea what you’re talking about,” Cat had stood up suddenly, “because you keep talking in circles. I really wanna help Mags and you. But if you don’t want my help, that’s okay, I guess.”

“Good. Thanks for coming. Sorry I couldn’t help you.” Alec stood up too, thinking she was about to leave.

“Wait, I’m not done.” She said suddenly and Alec had to turn back with a questioning look. “I came here to deliver this.” She handed him the black bag she had come with.

“What’s this?” Alec was half scared that Magnus had sent something back that he had taken with him, mistakenly or not.

“It’s the suit Mags made for you, for the wedding. I hope you didn’t forget. It’s on this Sunday and you are coming.”

Alec had really hoped that he’d just send the gift and be done with it. He knew Magnus would be there. He didn’t want to be there and make a scene. “No. I can’t take that. And don’t worry. I’ll send the ‘Mr. and Mrs.’ wine I promised.”

“It’s not about the wine. I really want you to be there.”

“What about…” Alec shook his head not liking the idea.

“He let me deliver the suit right?” She cocked her head.

“That’s because he doesn’t wanna have anything of me left with him. Just leave it here if it’ll give him peace but no, I’m not going to the wedding.” Alec snarled.

“Please, Alec, I personally came to ask you. Also, I have another favor to ask.”

“No more favors, Cat. I don’t think I owe you more.” Alec was done with favoring anyone else ever in his life. One favor to Cat had already cost him Magnus. He didn’t wanna know what another favor will cost him.

“I know you don’t owe me anything. But I’m in trouble. We can’t find a live band for the wedding. I know, I know, the event manager was supposed to do that but she can’t find anyone either, in such short notice. And you sing so well Alec. I heard your songs from Magnus. I have a song I always wanted to be sung by someone at my wedding, live. Please, Alec, I beg you. I’ll be in your debt forever, please.” Cat sure knew how to make puppy eyes.

“No.” Alec shook his head, “Nope, I can’t do this. I’ll see if I can find someone free to do that but I won’t do it myself.” He was determined not to give in.

“Please, Alec. I promise I’ll never ask anything from you ever again. One last time please, only just 2 days left. Please, Alec. I’ll do whatever you want me to do. Please.” Cat practically begged. Alec couldn’t help but melt a little.

Alec thought for some time. After all, it’s a wedding. Cat had a dream. He couldn’t crush that dream of her. “Let him know beforehand. Let him be prepared. I don’t wanna surprise him.” He grumbled.

“Does that mean…?” she looked gleefully and Alec sighed, “Oh my God, thank you, Alec. You’re a savior. I’ll tell him that you’ll be there. But Alec, why don’t you take the chance?” she asked after she had calmed down a bit.

“No. I’m not taking any chances at all. I’ll see you there on Sunday. Message me the address and the time.”

Alec and Cat had held a stare for some time, both not wanting to back down easily. But Cat gave in, “Fine. I’m just happy that you’ll be there. Thanks, I’ll see you there too. Bye.”

And she was gone, leaving Alec with a black bag which he opened to see the most beautiful suit ever.

 

_**To be continued...** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments and Kudos are always much appreciated.


	7. Stage 7 – Acceptance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter consists of Part/Chapter-151 to Part/Chapter-175 of the Instagram posts.
> 
> This is the last chapter. A small sequel that I never planned to write but did anyway is the other story of the series - How Dada and Papa met. Thank you all.

**151 – Follow your heart**

Alec was only able to restrain himself on Sunday, for two reasons. First, he needed time to send Robert’s confession report and his plead for life imprisonment to the police and lawyers. Second, he had spent the night in the bathroom crying and drinking Magnus’s special Vermouth. Then he was drunk and had woken up after way past lunchtime. So he didn’t want to visit his mother in that condition. Monday to Thursday he had gone to see her for a few hours. They spent the time talking about a lot of things except the main topic. He still wasn’t comfortable but it was slow progress.

After Cat left on Thursday, Alec understood how beaten he felt. He kept staring at the suit and then hugged it and took deep breaths. The smell of linen didn’t calm him down. Instead, the thought that Magnus’s touch was on it, that his hands made that suit, made him emotional. He lay down with the suit in the bag and worn the t-shirt Magnus used to wear. It was his shirt but Magnus loved to wear it whenever he was busy working. It was his way of telling to not disturb him. Alec didn’t notice that subconsciously he picked that shirt to wear. He was back to drinking and wallowing that night. For a man who was proud of never drinking was drowning in Vermouth because everything just hurt.

He cried so much that night that Friday he woke up with red and puffy eyes. His head hurt badly and eyes were sensitive. He missed Magnus. He missed waking up with Magnus, talking to Magnus, their breakfast together, Magnus making fun of his coffee, Magnus stealing his bacon, Magnus dancing in the kitchen with the radio on, Magnus kissing him bye before leaving for office, Magnus announcing ‘I’m home’ when he came back. His bed, his pillow smelt like Magnus. He missed Magnus in everything. His house was filled with Magnus’s touch everywhere. It wasn’t his home anymore or his safe haven. It was their home, Magnus and Alec’s. It was a torture for Alec to be there and not break down every time.

Friday he couldn’t stop when he repeatedly found himself with objects in hand and thinking of ways to make them useful. Any sort of physical pain seemed better than the burning feeling inside him. He ran to Maryse, or to be honest, to see Oliver. He needed to talk. He needed to get Magnus out of his mind.

 

“I’m glad you came.”

Oliver watched Alec sitting on the bed caressing Maryse’s hand. She was still asleep when Alec reached. He didn’t say anything. His eyes were fixed on Maryse.

“Shall we go to my office?” Oliver offered. Alec nodded. He helped Alec to his office. They sat on an L shaped couch. Alec sat on one side and Oliver on the other. “Did you see your doctor? How is the wound now?” he asked, worried.

“I’m fine.” Alec murmured and sat with his head lowered.

“You didn’t get it treated, right?” Alec shook his head in a no to that query. “Alec…” he started again.

“Don’t Alec me. Please… I’m done. I can’t… I really can’t do this anymore.” Alec put his elbows on his knees and sank his head down in his hands. His eyes pricked with tears. The redness of his eyes, his hollow expressions and exhaustion didn’t go unnoticed by Oliver. They both knew Alec was on the verge of doing something. Oliver was happy that instead of actually doing that Alec sought help.

“And you didn’t talk to Magnus either,” Oliver said it as a statement. He knew there was more. He didn’t push Alec too much. He wanted Alec to open up by himself. “Do you wanna talk about something?” he asked again. Alec kept silent.

“I can see, Alec, you’re in pain. Something changed since yesterday. You usually don’t keep quiet that much. You’d rather wake her up than sit in silence. Alec…” Oliver scooted closer to Alec and placed a hand on his shoulder, “Are you okay?”

“I’m not,” Alec finally croaked after a long pause.

“You wanna talk about…” Oliver started.

Alec cut him off mid-sentence and wailed, “I miss Magnus.”

“Why don’t you talk…”

“He left me.”

“But you should try to…”

“Why… why should I try when I saw him leaving home and his key? What do I make of that? What does he expect me to do?” Alec spoke in a cold tone.

“What do you wanna do?” Oliver tried to be patient.

“I wanna kiss him,” Alec said after another long pause.

“Then do that,” Oliver replied immediately.

“How?” Alec threw his hands up in the air and looked at Oliver.

“Ehh, if you expect me to know how you and Magnus kiss each other and explain it to you then I’m sorry, man, I didn’t see you two kissing before.” Oliver kept a straight face and made a sly comment like that.

“You… you did not… tell me you did not just say that…” Alec blinked not believing what he just heard. Oliver shrugged. “Okay, seriously, you’re the weirdest doctor I’ve ever met. And trust me I’ve met a lot of weird people in my life.”

“I don’t doubt that at all.” Oliver continued the joke but sobered quickly seeing Alec having a small smile, “Talk to Magnus. Even if it’s to demand answers or to express your feelings, just meet him. Alec, it’ll give you peace, I’m sure of that.”

“You think he’ll forgive me? He’ll take me back? He’ll love me again? He’ll come home, to me?” Alec made hopeful face waiting to be consoled with truth or lies.

“I don’t know. You took a chance with your father and made your siblings safe. You took a chance with your heart when you accepted Magnus. You took a chance, faced your father again and got your closure. You took a chance and now you have your mother with you, loving you, knowing you and remembering you. You took a chance and you got a family in Michael, Lydia and Madzie. It’s all about taking a chance, Alec. You gotta risk something to get something. Ask yourself what you want. Follow your heart, do what it tells you to do. If it takes you to Magnus, then accept it. He is where your happiness is. He is your destination. You can do this, Alec, I know you can.” As a doctor, Oliver knew how important it was to maintain eye contact while saying that. Alec seemed to finally take those words.

“And what if he doesn’t let me in? What if he rejects me? What if he doesn’t come home to me? How am I gonna live after that?” Alec looked scared as if he knew that Magnus rejecting him would be his end.

“That’s not the end of life, Alec. You will find something to move on. Or someone.”

“And what if I don’t wanna move on? What if I don’t wanna live without him?” Alec looked at Oliver. His fear was visible in his eyes and his body language, “I didn’t know I love him so much until he left me. I can’t go on like this anymore. I can’t live without Magnus.” He sounded resigned, given up.

“Then tell him that. He deserves to know. If there’s any miscommunication, it needs to be clear, don’t you think? Don’t you want some answers than all these questions eating you up every moment? Don’t you wanna know what he wants?” Oliver rubbed Alec’s shoulder lightly when Alec looked at him again, “Answers may not always be just as you want but they’ll give you peace. There’s no harm in talking, Alexander.”

“Can you not call me by that name, please?” Alec looked down and sighed loudly.

“Why?” Oliver had noticed every time he used that name, Alec stiffened.

“I hate that name.” Alec whispered, “Honestly, I do. Dad used to use it when he was angry with me. But Magnus… he calls me that sometimes… and it doesn’t sound like Dad anymore. When he uses that name, it feels different… There’s love in his call… Only he can call me by that name and not make my skin crawl with hate.” He looked at Oliver, pleading, “Please, never use that name, ’cause only Magnus can call me by that name. Only he knows how to call me by that name.”    

 

**152 – I know you’re dying to meet me**

“So… What now?” Oliver asked after another long pause.

“I don’t know,” Alec replied leaning back on the couch. His head rested on the wall behind. “I have a wedding to attend on Sunday.” He sighed deeply and spoke again, “It’s Magnus’s best friends’ wedding, Catarina and Ragnor. One favor to Cat took him away from me because I’m an idiot. Now she wants another favor.”

“What kind of favor?” Oliver frowned.

“I have to sing… at the wedding.” Alec sighed again.

“That’s wonderful. Magnus will be there. You can meet him.” Oliver was excited.

“Is it?” Alec felt like he can sleep till Monday. He just wanted to escape everything. He seemed lost in his thoughts. Oliver didn’t answer anything, “Will you come with me?” he asked suddenly taking Oliver surprised.

“Come again?” Oliver looked at Alec who was still leaning back. “You want me to go to the wedding with you? Are you crazy?” he arched an eyebrow.

“I’m not. But I’ll be if I have to be there alone and act like I’m peachy. She said one song but I’m sure she won’t let me leave after one song. I need someone there to stop me if I lose control.” Alec spoke with his arms thrown over his face.

“I’m your doctor, Alec, don’t forget that. And what will Magnus think if he sees me there with you? You wanna make things better or worse?” Oliver hesitated.

“Ugh… I don’t know what to do. I just know that I can’t do it alone.” Alec grumbled, sitting up suddenly and looking at Oliver intently. “I need backup.”

“That can’t be me.” Oliver got up from the couch and started pacing, “First, it’s unethical. Second, it’s a bad idea. Third, you have my number. You can call me anytime you want. Fourth, you gotta take the risk yourself and man up.”

“You are a bad doctor,” Alec grumbled, “As if you care much about ethics. You broke a lot of them since you met me, right?” and challenging.

Oliver stopped pacing and narrowed his eyes at Alec, “You drive a hard bargain and you are very good at blackmailing too but no I’m not going with you.”

“Fine,” Alec muttered after a moment with an exaggerated eye roll, “I was just trying anyway. I knew you’d say no.”

“Lunch break is over. Wanna see Maryse?” Oliver asked to change the topic.

“Yeah,” Alec started standing up, “I’ll tell her goodbye. I won’t be coming back until Monday I think.” He declared, “I’ll call Michael. I guess this stupid bandage needs a change.” he pointed at his leg and smiled a bit, “I need to prepare some songs too. If I’m gonna take the chance… I need to be prepared.”

“So you are gonna take a chance?” Oliver asked just to be sure.

Alec didn’t reply but got out of the room. In comfortable silence, they walked to Maryse’s room.

 

“Hey mum,” Alec sat on the bed and saw a nurse serving her lunch.

“Alec… you’re here.” she lightened up seeing him, smiling brightly, “I thought I missed our session. I fell asleep. Sorry.”

“Nah, it is okay, mum, Oliver and I were talking. And I needed to see you because I won’t be back until Monday. He’ll continue with your sessions.” Alec fed her the sandwich while he kept talking. Maryse whined a bit. Alec continued, “I have work, mum. I’ll be back on Monday, I promise.” he smiled to ensure her and she nodded. He kept helping her with the soup.

Maryse talked only after she was finished and wiped her lips on the napkin. Oliver sat away at the couch but was listening into the conversation. Alec and he agreed that he should be present during all meetings.

“You remember this, Alec?” Maryse spoke in soft voice showing her hand.

“Mum,” Alec was kinda surprised seeing what she showed him, “Its… you… how?”

“I kept it for you.” She was fondly gazing at her hand that Alec was caressing softly, “This is yours, Alec. You should have it back.”

“Mum, no, I have nothing to do with this anymore. Please, don’t.” Alec begged.

“No, this is yours. It’ll always be yours. It’s your achievement, sweety.” Maryse pushed it on Alec’s palm and closed his fingers around it.

“Mum…” Alec was almost in tears.

“Please… don’t. I kept it with me ’cause I wanted you to have it. You bought this with your very first prize money from winning that championship. Jace and Izzy made you use the money for yourself and you got this…” she softly wiped at her eyes, smiling at the memory, “You never told me until I found out. You never got the chance to wear it properly. Now’s the time it takes its rightful place…” she nodded encouraging him to keep it. Alec had to smile too, at the memory. It was one of those good memories he had left from his childhood. “Thanks, mum,” he hugged her, “Thanks for keeping it safe.”

“Anything for you, my sweet boy,” Maryse hugged him back tightly. “Oh and,” she looked up suddenly remembering something, “Oliver is cute right?”

“What… mum,” Alec was momentarily shocked, “What?” he shook his head not believing what his mum just said.

“He’s… he’s a cute guy, right? A doctor too, a charming man, good looking.” She blushed red making Alec blush too. None of them were expecting this talk.

“Jeez no, mum, don’t ever do that again,” thankfully they were whispering, “He’s got a fiancé. He’s straight. And also I… I love someone.” Alec hesitated.

“You do? Oh, okay, sorry then. You never told me so…” Maryse made a cute apologizing face. Alec started laughing. In a long time, he felt like he truly had his mum with him, “Who is he? Do you have a picture? Bring him here next time. I missed so much of your life. I don’t wanna miss anymore.” She seemed excited.

Alec smiled at first and then he couldn’t. He wanted to tell his mum about everything, “You remember the Banes? Augustus and Rosaline Bane.”

“Yes, the couple died because of… and you were…” Maryse chocked.

Alec stopped her immediately knowing how much of the memories they both have tied to the Banes, “He is their son, my boyfriend, Magnus.”

“Their… the Banes’ son? He’s… he’s your boyfriend? But isn’t he… how?” Maryse was surprised and confused.

“He didn’t know about me when we first met. He fell in love with me. And I tried to push him away ’cause I recognized him. I knew he would hate me once he found out. But he just loved me more until…” Alec blinked furiously to not cry.

“Until?” Maryse was concerned, “Oh, Alec, did you push him away too much? He left?” Alec couldn’t reply. His mother could see the pain in his eyes, “Oh, my baby…” she hugged him tightly in a motherly embrace.

“I don’t know what to do, mum. He makes me feel helpless. I just know that I love him. And now he’s gone.” Alec sniffed unwillingly, “He is the one, mum. I want him back. He is a good man, mum, he is good for me.” Tears had finally made their way out. Maryse consoled him without any words. Honestly, Alec didn’t need anyone else telling him to go and get Magnus. He needed someone to listen to him, understand and not judge him. Everybody tried to fix the problem, fix him. He knew how to fix it if he wanted to fix it. But he didn’t need a fix.

 

Alec was coming home in a cab where he heard the new song. It never made much sense to him as to why he was always attracted to lyrics and why he always found ways to incorporate those lyrics in his own life. The woman’s sensual rustic voice sang on as he took in the lyrics.

_“Everywhere I go I got a million different people_

_tryna kick it but I’m still alone in my mind_

_I know you’re dying to meet me_

_but I can just tell you this_

_Baby as soon as you meet me_

_you’ll wish that you never did...”_

Brilliant, Alec thought, he could say those words to himself and imagine Magnus hating meeting him all those years ago. It seemed perfect.

 

**153 – The preparation**

Alec came home with a new found happiness. The weight on his heart seemed lifted off a little. His mother, her love, her care, her enthusiasm and her hugs seemed to finally work on him. But more than that, he was happy to find back something from the past. He was happy to find back something that wasn’t tainted with the bad memories.

Alec used the whole Friday night and Saturday morning finding songs, searching Google and remembering lyrics. He found some probable songs and jot down a list. He wasn’t looking forward to seeing Magnus but he was kinda excited and sad at the same moment. He was excited to see Magnus and sad that they won’t be going to the wedding together just like Magnus had planned so excitedly.

That’s when he remembered he can’t do anything without equipment. Cat didn’t tell him about that so he called her to confirm instead of just assuming something. She told him that it’s completely up to him. He was allowed to do the performance however he wanted to.

So the next thing Alec did was to call his old friend Matt, from the recording studio. He came as soon as he could, just a couple of minutes before Oliver. To say Alec was shocked to see him at his doorstep would be an understatement.

“I come bearing a gift,” Oliver showed a big black case that Alec immediately recognized. He smiled instead, happy to see a gift that he seemed to be lacking at the moment.

“For that only, yes, please come in,” Alec smirked and Oliver feigned hurt.

“Thanks, Oliver.” Alec smiled, gave Matt the bag to open and went to the kitchen, “Hey guys, you want coffee or something strong?” he called through the room.

“What sort of strong do you have here?” Matt shouted back too.

“A lot of wine… Scotch, whiskey, beer, vodka, vermouth, gin…” Alec was shouting the names looking in the cabinet so he didn’t see Oliver and Matt coming in.

“Whoa, dude, that’s a lot.” Matt was wide-eyed to see the cabinet.

“I was once a bartender, Matt, don’t forget that,” Alec smirked.

“And I thought you were anti-alcoholic or something.” Matt said taking a bottle of vodka out, “And this is some really good stuff.” Oliver gave Alec a look, both knowing how right Matt was about him.

“Oooh, that really looks fancy. I don’t mind some vodka.” Oliver chirped. So they decided to start with the vodka first.

“I’m not getting too much drunk. I have a show tomorrow and Matt…” Alec said after downing a couple of pegs and tuning his mum’s gift, the guitar that Oliver had brought with him. Matt suddenly interrupted him already getting tipsy.

“I never thought to hear you saying that line. I told you, you can get shows. You’re a brilliant singer but you never listened to me. Finally, some genius found you and got you a show. Thanks to that lovely lady who’s getting married tomorrow.” He raised his glass in a cheery manner. Oliver laughed silently.

“You’re right about that, Matt. Alec is a brilliant singer.” Oliver chirped.

“Oh shut up you both,” Alec rolled his eyes, “And Matt, I swear on God, I’m gonna kick your ass if you get a hangover. I need you tomorrow as a backup. We need to get the equipment and all. You’re my band member tomorrow, Matt.”

“The hell I am. It’ll be beautiful. I haven’t been to a wedding in a long time.” And Matt lolled off on the couch.

“He’s a light-head.” Oliver looked at Matt already sleeping.

“You haven’t seen me drunk yet.” Alec smirked still playing on the guitar.

“Ready for tomorrow?” Oliver asked cocking an eyebrow at him.

“As ready as I’ll ever be.” Alec was sarcastic obviously.

“Then I should go. Sleep well tonight. And good luck for tomorrow.” Oliver got up and put on his coat, ready to leave.

“Thanks, Oliver. I mean it. You’ve helped a lot in past a week. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Alec was sober and they shook hands at the door.

“It was my pleasure getting to know you, Alec, and being able to help you.” Oliver smiled before he walked toward the elevator. Alec’s eyes drifted toward the stairs unknowingly, as if he was hoping to see Magnus coming up from there or waiting.

 

Matt had left as soon as he got up on Sunday morning. He told Alec to meet him at the venue and said he’d get some people to help them with everything. Alec trusted him. Matt had done shows like this before, so he knew what to do and how. Alec spent the morning in the balcony enjoying the cool autumn breeze, strong coffee and his notebook. He wasn’t able to relax. The prospect of seeing Magnus and the memories of Magnus’s excitement since the announcement of the wedding was coming back to him again and again. He tried to write down some intros for the songs he had selected. It seemed well until Alec saw the time and knew that he needed to get up, get a shower, get ready and go to the wedding.

With a racing heart, sinking feeling and million butterflies in his stomach which wasn’t really a good feeling, he took a cold shower and stood in front of his wardrobe. Memories started to hit him in slow motion as he took the suit bag.

Alec pulled the bag out of wardrobe – _Magnus was so happy about the wedding._

Alec crossed the room and put the bag on the bed – _Magnus was emotional when Ragnor had asked him to be his best man and Cat asked him to make her dress._

Alec slowly opened the zip – _Magnus wouldn’t sleep nights after nights, drawing all the designs, for all the dresses. He wouldn’t stop talking about it with Alec._

Alec opened the bag – _Magnus loved making all the dresses and suits for his best friends’ wedding more than he loved drawing a new collection._

Alec eased the suit out of the bag – _Magnus was troubled about Alec’s suit. He couldn’t decide on a design or a theme color. He was really worried._

Alec saw the suit was already paired with trouser and shirt – _Magnus thought about everything. They both were excited for going to the wedding together. He knew Alec doesn’t like ties. So there was no tie in the bag. Alec left the collar button open._

Alec dressed up and stood in front of the mirror – _Magnus was worried about making the suit without showing it to Alec, even for fitting. Magnus put him through multiple occasions of getting measures. And it didn’t fail. Alec saw himself in a suit that fit him more than perfectly._

Silent tears rolled off Alec’s cheeks – _Magnus wanted to make a grand entry with him, both in BANE’s finest, super-secret collection, that nobody will ever see in the shop or ever own. Magnus wanted this moment to be special, very special for both of them._

And Magnus wasn’t right beside him anymore. Magnus wasn’t there to smile at him or fix his hair or take his arm and walk with him. Magnus wasn’t there. And Alec’s tears wouldn’t stop.

 

**154 – Magnus finds out**

“C’mon Cat, don’t test me anymore, please. Get out of that fucking terrible sweatshirt and get into your dress before it’s fucking too late.” Magnus barked after putting the dress on the bed. He was the only man allowed in Cat’s room. Raphael was to be in Ragnor’s room and give him measured sips of Champaign to calm his nerve. Ragnor Fell was in desperate need for that and nobody knew alcohol measure better than Raphael Santiago, except maybe Alec Wayland. Magnus’s brain was very much unhelpful with him, always reminding him of bits and moments of Alec.

“I’m the lady of the day,” Cat barked back, “This is my day. Do not dare to tell me what to do,” equally frustrated with Magnus’s chipper mood.

“Cat…” Magnus breathed to calm himself, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.” He saw Cat visibly calming down too, “We’re done with your make up and already late. Please get into your dress so I can finish with you and go check on the boys and then if I have some moment left, I’ll get dressed too.” His shoulder drooped.

“Hey Mags, calm down. It’s gonna be okay. Get the dress and help me now then.” Cat smiled trying to distract Magnus. Izzy had called her in the morning that her team will be in the venue on time and prepare everything. Cat didn’t tell her about Alec coming. She didn’t tell Alec about Izzy and Jace, being in the guest list. She was yet to tell Magnus about Alec and his little performance. She wanted to not tell Magnus but she had promised to Alec. But she couldn’t bring herself talk to Magnus about it, not since Magnus explicitly asked them all to not mention Alec ever. She didn’t understand if it was due to heartache or anger.

 

“You… are… looking… absolutely…”Magnus stopped. Cat was standing in front of him dressed and done. He couldn’t take his eyes off of her. Ivory and golden seemed to suit her really well.

“Looking absolutely what?” Cat asked impatiently.

“I’m at loss of words.” Magnus couldn’t even blink.

“Don’t joke now, Mags. I’m really nervous. Please do tell me how I look ’cause I can’t look in the mirror.” Cat was exasperated and fussing.

“You shouldn’t,” Magnus held her shoulders, stopping her from turning to the mirror. “Trust me, Ragnor won’t be able to take off his eyes from you tonight.”

“Just Ragnor?” she was obviously trying to joke, to calm down her nerves.

“I can’t blink if that counts.” Magnus said with a shrug, “But then it can be because I always find you beautiful. I obviously can’t speak for my own design.”

“Oh, shut up.” She laughed, making Magnus laugh with her.

“Okay,” Magnus brushed off his palms looking around, “Now that you’re ready, my work is done here. I’m gonna go and get the boys ready. I’ll see you soon.” He leaned down to give a light peck on her cheek before hurry out.

“Magnus…” Cat called back, knowing it’s her last chance to talk to Magnus.

“What?” Magnus turned back. He frowned seeing Cat looking at him hesitantly. He approached her, kneeling in front of her chair, “What is it, love?”

“Magnus… Please don’t be mad at me.” She couldn’t meet her best friend’s eyes.

“What is, Cat? Why would I be mad at you?” Magnus was suddenly concerned.

“I invited Alec…”

“I know that. You invited us together.” Magnus couldn’t understand.

“No…” she hesitated, “I went to meet Alec on last Thursday. I was worried since you wouldn’t talk to us or let us help. I thought Alec could shed some light on what happened.” She paused to see the grim look on Magnus; his jaws locked as if he was trying to bite back a growl, “I told Izzy to cancel the band and told Alec that I couldn’t get a band to perform today. I managed to get him to agree to come here and sing one song, for the wedding. So he’d be here, for sure.”

Magnus shot up on his feet in lightning speed. Cat was startled but followed him, “Mags, please… I had to do it okay? I did it for you.” She tugged on his elbow.

“I explicitly asked you to not get into this. I told you to not…” Magnus suddenly remembered something, “He won’t be coming.”

“Why? Why do you think that?”

“Because he has nothing to wear… Not something proper for a wedding. Unless he can fit into the blazer he wore in Michael and Lydia’s wedding like 4 years ago.” Magnus smirked.

“I might’ve delivered him the suit you made for him,” Cat spoke softly and Magnus turned to glare at her. “He will be coming, Mags. He asked me to tell you beforehand so that you won’t be surprised. He didn’t want you to be in an awkward position. I promised him I’d tell you… so I’m telling you.”

“You’re my friend or his!” Magnus couldn’t stop himself from saying it.

“Funny you mentioned that,” Cat looked directly in Magnus’s eyes, “Alec said something like that too. He wouldn’t talk to me so I wouldn’t feel obligated to take sides or choose between you two. He wanted me to support you no matter what. And you know what? I could see his pain. And I can see you are in pain too. I just don’t understand why you both are hell-bent on hurting each other.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” Magnus snarled suddenly, “What did he say? That I hurt him? What about…” he was about to ramble when Cat stopped him. 

“No,” Cat seemed to hesitate again. She didn’t wanna go down on this road just before the ceremony, “He saw you leaving the apartment on Saturday.”

Cat and Magnus looked at each other for a long moment before Magnus realized what she said and felt like every breath leaving his body, “He… What?”

“He saw you left your key there. You took only the important things only. He saw you dashing through the corridor down the stairs. He was near the elevator. He thought he saw it wrong until he found your things gone. He couldn’t go after you ’cause he’s still on support. He’s walking but barely can do it fast. He thinks that you didn’t wait for him. He thinks you left him. He thinks that was your answer, your final answer. He’s… he seems broken, Mags. He seemed like he’s done fighting for everything.” She stroked Magnus’s arm continuously that she was holding.

“I… I thought… I waited for hours…” Magnus’s expression was blank. Cat looked at him confused. “I waited almost the whole day for him to come home. But he never came back. I left the key ’cause I was angry when I left and I forgot. He knows I always forget to take keys. Every damn time he had to remind me for that. I took only the important things because I thought he’ll call me or something and I’ll be back at home again. I thought it was just… I was waiting for him to call me, Cat, to say something, to fight, to yell at me, to… whatever… I thought he’d contact me once he comes back from wherever he went to on Saturday. I… I didn’t… I can’t… I…” Magnus was huffing. He couldn’t breathe. Never in million nightmares had he thought his actions could create a situation like that.

“So that explains why he asked me to not betray you. Why he doesn’t want me to talk to you about it. He thinks it’s your decision. That’s why he asked me to help you get over him and find someone better who’ll love you on your terms, listen to you and give you everything you deserve and all.” Cat was feeling mad. She was about to chastise herself for not seeing any of it. “Mags, he is blaming himself for everything. He thinks he deserves to be left behind, rejected, like that. He thinks… that you… wanted this.” When Alec took Magnus taking his things and leaving as his answer, Magnus took Alec’s no reply as his answer.

“That’s why he never contacted me. That’s why he never tried to talk to me. That’s why… Fuck…” Magnus ran his hands through his hair, “What the fuck have I done? Alec is never going to contact me, right? I made sure of that by forgetting the damn key on the table. He thinks I returned the key cause I don’t wanna be there anymore? I fucking messed it all up thinking he was rejecting me. Damn, I should’ve known there was something wrong about it. God damn it… I need to see him… Cat, I need to talk to him. Why didn’t you tell me this before? I should’ve gone again. I need to talk to him, Cat. I need to explain it to him. It wasn’t his mistake, it was mine. I screwed up. I fucked it all up. He’s not gonna forgive me. He probably doesn’t even want to talk to me… Fuck… what have I done?”

Magnus had a meltdown, a major one, with a major realization. 

 

**155 – The Lighthouse**

The Lighthouse on Chelsea Piers over Hudson is one of the most picturesque and unique waterfront wedding venues in whole New York. This place screams classy. When Alec reached there and let Matt and his team get everything set up, he couldn’t stop his feet carry him up on the open terrace.

Alec was leaning on the railing on the terrace, looking over the Hudson. The bright afternoon autumn sun was warming. He could hear the lapping of the water above the city bustle from far away. The view was calming. He looked at his right and saw the Chelsea waterside park at the distance. He remembered meeting Michael there once when they were kids. He remembered taking Madzie there on a very sad day for her. She had gotten an A instead of A+ in a class test. Nobody said anything but she couldn’t forget the mistake she had made that had cost her full 2 marks. Alec had tried to calm her by taking her to the park. After a long day in waterslides, Madzie seemed to have gotten over the test result. He realized that he never went back there except for that time with Madzie.

The sports and entertainment complex was fairly nearby. Alec remembered going there on a bicycle. The theatre had such memories that Alec wanted to forget for so long. But standing there, they came back too. Alec felt his heart calm, not taking the weird hurting turn it used to take before. That pain was gone.

Alec smiled remembering his first real friendship budding into more than that at the corner seats of the theatre. He actually chuckled remembering how cheesy, romantic and naïve he used to be. What weirdly hurt him was that he couldn’t remember something like that with Magnus. Magnus was right. They didn’t make many memories together. They never laughed together unrestrained. They never had fun together. But whatever they were, they were enough for Alec because that’s all he’s got left to live with, Magnus’s memories. Alec was lost in his thoughts and let the memories run through him. He didn’t hear the footsteps coming behind.

“Are you the singer for the wedding? Umm, your manager said they are ready and waiting for you at the ballroom. Your team is waiting for you, sir.” Alec heard the male voice talking from behind him at a distance. It took him by surprise, breaking his ‘walk down memory lane’.

Annoyed, Alec didn’t bother to turn back and acknowledge. “Yeah, tell them I’ll be down soon,” he said still looking at the river. His attention was caught when he heard the footsteps approaching him instead of going away. He heard a soft whisper that made him turn back. And the moment he did, he was faced with an outstretched arm and his name on the man’s lips. Alec finally realized the words he heard the man whispering, _“No way, it can’t be.”_ Followed by another whisper but loud enough for him to hear and mixed with absolute shock, “Alexander?”

To say Alec was stunned would be an understatement. He was dumbstruck. His head was blank. His words were gone. He only blinked at the man slightly taller than him, slicked-back brown hair that was freshly trimmed above the ears and in a black buzz cut professional suit. The grey eyes Alec once used to know so well were staring back at him again, with shock, surprise and smile.

“Alexander…” the man whispered again that brought Alec back to his senses.

“Imasu…” Alec’s voice matched the man’s voice but filled with more surprise.

“You’re a singer.” Imasu blinked. The shock replaced amazement in his eyes.

“You called me ‘sir’.” Alec was still befuddled.

They stood a foot apart staring at each other not believing their eyes. Suddenly Alec burst into a laugh. He just couldn’t stop himself. Imasu cracked a laugh too. “I can’t believe you’re here, right in front of me and… well… You look great, Alexander.” Imasu cocked his head appreciatively.

“I can’t believe you’re here too. I was just remembering the…” Alec controlled his laugh but was interrupted by the other man.

“Bicycle rides? Ice cream stalls on Pier 60? Those ridiculous theatre seats? Chased by cops for racing? Hudson sunset k…” Imasu started like he was reading a list.

“Imasu…” Alec had to interrupt him, still with a smile, “Don’t…”

“Right, uh, sorry. I got carried away. Working here, I have to see everything every day and I haven’t been able to forget as much.” Imasu lamented.

“You work here?” Alec asked softly.

“One of the managers, yes, I’m in charge today.”

“And they sent the boss to fetch a stupid singer from terrace?” Alec smirked, “That’s terrible.”

“I offered to help, Alexander.” Imasu smirked back, “And you’re not stupid. You haven’t grown out of that self-abhorrence I see. You haven’t changed much.”

They fell into a comfortable silence as Alec saw Imasu stand beside him leaning on the railing and looking at the river, copying him. After some time Imasu broke the silence. “How long has it been?”

“4 years, around this time. You bumped into me at the cemetery parking lot.”

“Right… how did I even forget that?” Imasu smirked.

“I know you didn’t. You don’t forget dates.” Alec smirked back.

“Still playing the card ‘I-know-you-better-than-yourself’ huh?”

“How’re your parents? Are they happy? And your husband?”

“They are as happy as they can be. And my husband… he is… good.”

“Great,” Alec murmured and the silence stretched again until Imasu spoke again.

“I have a daughter,” Imasu gave Alec his phone, “Her name’s Alexis.”

“What? You didn’t…” Alec was surprised, “Please tell me you didn’t name your daughter after…” he started giggling, “You got a great husband there.”

“Oh, I do…” Imasu giggled back, “And he loves the name.”

“She’s beautiful,” Alec awed at the image of a giggling baby girl in a pale yellow onesie with bunny ears in Imasu’s husband’s arms, “How old is she?”

“14 months in a week,” Imasu replied with a proud happy smile of a father. Again they fell silent. This time Imasu leaned sideways bumping their shoulders. Alec smiled at the gesture. It was their ritual whenever they went to the Piers to get away from a judging and complicated world and just be with each other, sit on the pier, watch the river, hold hands secretly, enjoy the sun and weird flavors of ice cream, share a kiss or two at sunset and then shoulder bump and friendly fight until they had to race back to home. That’s how their story had started.

 

In Cat’s room, Magnus was freaking out of his mind. He was tearing at his hair, pacing frantically, stomping his feet in agony but couldn’t stop blaming himself.

“Mags…” Cat tried to grab at his elbow, “For fuck’s sake, just stop. We don’t have time for this. I have a wedding to do and he will be here for one song. He promised me one song. So make it fucking count. Because if you don’t… I wouldn’t consider how pretty your ass is, I’ll just kick it, literally.”

Magnus stopped at her sneering words and looked at her blankly, “What am I gonna do?” he whispered, unable to bring himself to think what’d happen. He was actually shaking. Cat held him by his upper arms making him look at her.

“Just… calm down. I’ll try to pursue him to stay and sing more. So I don’t know how long he’ll be here. But you most definitely got one song. If you wanna do something, you have to do it by then. Make him see you and I’m sure he’ll listen if you talk. He’s waiting for you to take a step. This is your chance. Don’t let him go. Don’t screw it up. He’s the one for you. Don’t lose him for the past that actually has nothing to do with your love.” Cat was babbling in panic. Time was getting on, “Oh and, please go get ready. You don’t wanna attend your best friends’ wedding, fulfill the post of best man and save your relationship from going to hell in an over washed deranged t-shirt and track pants.” She chuckled involuntarily.

Magnus looked down at himself and frowned deeply, “These are Alec’s actually. I took some of his clothes ’cause I can’t sleep without him.” he said flatly.

“Well then maybe it is a good idea to face Alec in this. At least he’ll get some hint.” Cat pursed her lips to stop the giggle she was struggling to keep inside.

 

**156 – Definition of Heartbreak**

Magnus gave Cat a smirk and ran to get a quick shower. Thanks to Cat’s tenacity, he moved faster than ever. He got into his suit. Then he put on some light makeup and blow-dried his hair which wasn’t a good idea. So a hideous amount of hair product later, he managed to make his hair look presentable before putting on some colored streaks as the final touch. When he was happy with his look, he gave Cat a peck and ran off to Ragnor’s room. He was shocked to see the boys got ready by themselves. And they were shocked seeing Magnus suited up. Magnus was supposed to work on others first and then get dressed later. Ragnor seemed slightly tipsy but Raphael swore by the half-empty bottle of Jack Daniels that he was spoon-feeding Ragnor that the groom was still comprehensible. Magnus looked affronted before running off to the ballroom and make sure everything was set. 

In the ballroom, he found a few people setting up some equipment at the back. Magnus went to them, his heart beating thunderously inside his chest at the prospect of seeing Alec. According to Cat, Alec should be wearing the suit that he can recognize anywhere. But he didn’t see the suit there, even though one can hardly miss Alec with his mop of unruly ink-black hair and his height. He tentatively asked about Alec when he saw Matt. He remembered the man whom he had bribed once to get Alec’s recordings. Matt recognized him too telling him to find Alec upstairs at the terrace.

Magnus ran up the stairs taking two at a time. He wanted to see Alec before the ceremony. He was hoping to be able to talk to Alec alone, away from everybody. At the terrace door, he paused to breathe patting on his heart to calm down. He was excited as well as scared. He saw Alec in his suit leaning on the railing, sun catching his pale skin and a man besides. The two men didn’t see Magnus.

 

“You did great, Imasu. I’m really happy for you.” Alec could feel Imasu shaking his head. They weren’t looking at each other but at the water.

“Can I ask you something?” Imasu hesitated.

“I’m great. I’m really doing great. Life is good.” Alec gulped.

“I don’t believe you but I’ll pretend what you said is true.” Imasu smirked.

“And you should. I’m glad you went back to your parents.” Alec was serious.

“I didn’t, Alexander. I couldn’t forgive them for being happy knowing a 15-year-old had to die to save them. It didn’t hurt me to see they were being happy on my heartbreak. But your news… that was too much to take in. I couldn’t forgive myself for leaving you alone in all that.” Imasu chocked.

“We talked about it last time too, Ims. They are your parents, your family. You can’t hold a grudge against them forever. You have to go back to them someday.” Alec sighed. He remembered Magnus resenting his parents, how Magnus apologized for his parents getting involved in all that led to all problems in Alec’s life. Why did nobody understand that Alec had it coming anyway, despite whatever anybody else did? Why did nobody understand that his father wanted to kill him because he was gay and he wasn’t a perfect son? Why couldn’t he just tell them that it was nobody’s fault but his own because he was the abomination to his father’s legacy?

“That doesn’t change the fact that I despise them as human.” Imasu’s voice was cold.

“Still I’m glad you got your life sorted.” Alec smiled, hoping to change the mood.

“I wish I could’ve helped you, stayed with you and fight.” Imasu was still serious.

“You couldn’t. It wasn’t your fight, Ims. It was mine.” Alec turned serious too.

“When I saw you outside of the cemetery that day, I felt like a stone fell from my heart seeing you alive. Like a burden was lifted off my soul that your death wasn’t on me. Like I said before, I don’t regret loving you, Alexander. But I do regret leaving you. I regret not being strong enough to support you and fight for us. I had to leave you anyway. I didn’t want you to die for me.” Imasu continued.

“And now you’re married. You’re a father. And we know better.” Alec whispered.

“It’s the friendship, isn’t it?” Imasu said solemnly. Alec hummed and nodded in affirmation. “I still am proud of you, Alexander, and of our friendship. Like the king, you conquer everything.” Imasu chuckled softly.

“Except…” Alec knew his mind was on Magnus again. He couldn’t stop himself considering both the situations with Imasu 13 years ago and with Magnus now, quite same. He was losing love again, for almost the same reason, “…Love.”

After a quick pause, Imasu spoke again, “I know you asked me not talk about your past and I respect your choice.” He gave a stern look, “Please tell me you didn’t close off your heart and swore to live alone or something. Please tell me you let someone in. Please tell me you have someone to love.”

“Why do you think that?” Alec looked somber.

“I know you, Alexander. Whether you like it or not, I know you. I know how stubborn insufferable git you can be.” Imasu seemed concerned.

Alec turned serious, “I did wait for you. Hoped I’ll be able to go back to you and… but after we met at the cemetery, I had some time to think. Knowing that you moved on, helped too. I realized I was just holding onto my past… hoping against hope… being naïve. I knew I have to move on too. For a long time, I closed off my heart, tried to protect it... until I met Magnus. He… he just walked through my barriers as if they didn’t even exist.” Alec talked with his hands, “He unlocked something in me, something I wasn’t ready to face. I couldn’t just stop. He taught me to love again… how to trust people… be open to things. He loved me unconditionally. And I made terrible mistakes… and now he’s gone. I guess I don’t regret either… falling in love or letting myself be vulnerable again. I’d do that for him again and again if he wants me to. Knowing Magnus was… good… important… educating even.”

Alec gave a fleeting look to Imasu, biting down at his lip. He could feel his face getting red. He sniffed and sighed deeply, “I guess Dad was right, I am cursed to never have love. I shouldn’t have looked for it and drag Magnus into it. Dad took you away from me and now somehow all of my past has taken Magnus away too. You once told me, to love is to let go… I’m letting him go. Now that I know he’d be happy without me, I can’t be selfish and hold him back just because I can’t live without him.” Alec blinked, swallowing the bile that almost choked him. He shrugged to show his indifference but Imasu could see how painful it was for him to talk about Magnus. Imasu laid a hand on his shoulder and let the silence stay.

“Are you sure Magnus feels the same way? Are you absolutely sure he’s happy without you? Or is this what you think is right? Is this one of your ‘the-universe-is-giving-me-signs’ crap?” Imasu asked solemnly. Alec gave an enquiring look. “Alexander, you have this ability to think up to the Mars and just act on it. You don’t think twice when you believe you’re doing the right thing. It may not always be right. Be sure before you do something. You can’t take a decision on his behalf. Let him tell you what he wants. And by what you’ve said, Magnus doesn’t seem like a man who will give up that easily if he really loved you so much.”

Alec couldn’t reply. Imasu successfully made him rethink everything.

“So you forgive me then?” Imasu finally moved to stand up after a long silence and look at Alec who still seemed lost in his thoughts.

“There’s nothing to forgive, Imasu.” Alec turned to face him too.

“I can’t believe I didn’t recognize you at first.” Imasu smiled bashfully.

“I can’t believe I didn’t recognize your voice.” Alec chuckled softly.

“For old time’s sake?” Imasu took a step closer looking directly into Alec’s eyes.

“For old time’s sake,” Alec closed the distance between them hugging Imasu, “Thanks for everything, Imasu.”

“Thank you too, Alexander.” Imasu murmured softly in Alec’s ear.

“I got my closure. I’m in peace.” Alec murmured back. They were still hugging.

“Ah, finally, about damn time you did.” Alec could feel Imasu smiling, “And uh, happy birthday in advance. I’d love to see you again. Maybe you can meet Alexis.”

“I don’t celebrate but thanks. And I’d love to meet her too. Let’s talk about it after the ceremony.” Alec pulled away from the hug and they looked at each other with soft smiles, “We should go before people start looking for you and Matt starts panicking.” Imasu laughed making Alec laugh too as they make their way downstairs to the ballroom.

 

**157 – The internal monologue they are famous for**

Magnus hid behind the door of the terrace. He saw Alec and the man who he realized to be the infamous Imasu Morales, Alec’s first boyfriend, go down the stairs, both wearing smiles, easy with each other like their past didn’t even matter. Imasu had an arm around Alec’s waist holding him for balance as Alec made his way down on the crutch. He felt a pang of jealousy seeing Alec in Imasu’s arm. He didn’t know what they talked about before he walked in on them but he heard enough to be mind-blowingly confused. He almost blamed himself at his stupidity of not talking to Alec in the first place. That stupid, idiot, fucking jerk, self-righteous bastard, was crawling his way back into his heart again. Magnus knew that Alec had won him over again.  He felt his eyes wet with tears. But he was also bloody damn angry, on Alec and apparently his famous stupidity.

He made a mental checklist of points on which he particularly needed to blast Alec as he trudged down the stairs behind the two men, wiping his eyes. He was furious, at Alec and at himself. Alec said so many things that he never knew, like Robert cursing Alec to never have love, seriously, he didn’t understand after everything why he was surprised to hear that about that wretched man. He was happy to find out that Alec and the man were just friends. He was sure he’d kill Alec the moment there was something more than talking between them.

Unbelievably he found himself not opposing to their hug, it definitely looked friendly. And undoubtedly, Magnus liked Imasu as visibly he wasn’t hitting on Alec, or better he didn’t even seem interested in Alec in that way. Although in other circumstance it would’ve bothered him as to why someone wouldn’t flirt with a handsome man like Alec who looked certainly yummy in his suit. But Magnus found relieving that it wasn’t a situation like that.

And how on earth Alec decided that Magnus hated him so much to be happy without him? Who the hell was Alec to decide that? Yes, he agreed with Imasu that Alec shouldn’t be making decisions on his behalf. Magnus needed to teach Alec a lesson about it. He didn’t understand what gave Alec that certain idea to go this far to avoid him, what he had done to give Alec that impression. When Alec was doing that self-pity dialogue of he was letting Magnus go so that Magnus could be happy and he couldn’t be selfish enough to hold Magnus back even though he can’t live without Magnus… for a moment Magnus needed to remind himself that he loves the speaker romantically and not run and slap fucking daylight out of him and maybe some extra blow on the head to make sure all the dislodged screws in Alec’s head would snap into their places. Yes, in other words, Magnus was mad. He was out of his mind mad at Alec.

Magnus saw Alec standing at the back of the room away from everyone with Imasu only. He remembered the name from Alec’s journal and the way they talked, helped to figure out the rest. There was something about Imasu, the way he cared about Alec, the way he made Alec talk, the way he understood Alec, the way his words affected Alec, the way he defended Magnus were enough to throw Magnus off his petty jealousy and past insecurity. No, even though he tried, he couldn’t be jealous of or mad at Imasu. Instead, he was actually glad to have finally seen the man who had such impact on Alec. It was certainly evident that even with their past, they truly were just friends.

The way Imasu was still allowed to call Alec by his original name and Alec didn’t even flinch once, took a toll on Magnus as he felt himself boiling in anger that he wasn’t the only one to call Alec by that name. Seeing and listening to them, Magnus had to think if meeting Imasu and talking about their past bothered Alec at all. Then was it just Magnus, Alec wasn’t comfortable sharing his past with? Was it because they were related to the same past? Or did Imasu do something different that Magnus never did? Why was he able to make Alec talk, like that?

Alec was always lenient to people he cared about. Be it Magnus, David, Imasu or someone else. But he wasn’t exactly co-operating, forgiving, accepting or understanding. He wasn’t fond of people apologizing for his past; Magnus gathered that much from the whole conversation. But he didn’t understand why Alec blamed only himself for everything and took offend whenever someone tried to apologize. Magnus wondered if there was still something to the whole story that only Alec knew and nobody else. But he didn’t feel hopeless.

For once Magnus understood how much Alec craved some normalcy in his life, someone to just listen and understand him and not try to fix everything for him. He hadn’t seen the interaction between Alec and David, per se. But seeing Alec with Imasu, the way Alec accepted him and how easily Alec let his guard down, Magnus was stunned to see that other side of Alec. It was a glimpse of the Alec from the past that he hadn’t seen yet. He realized that Alec didn’t want him to be a boyfriend at his beck and call all the time, be someone to baby him or be his bodyguard. Alec wanted him to just be his friend, not a fixer of his life. Alec may never be lenient enough, forgiving or accepting himself fully but he was a self-sufficient and independent man. He wanted someone to just be there for him, not pity or protect him or analyze his life and find ways to fix him. He needed Magnus to acknowledge that. Alec wanted to live like other people.

And at some point, Magnus did try to be that. Magnus judged him, tried to protect him and talk to him to find solutions. Magnus wanted to dig up a grave, put their ugly pasts in it and bury it. He wanted to leave it all behind. But Alec’s philosophy was different. He believed in carrying the past and shaping the present based on that. Magnus needed to make Alec see that while doing so, Alec was only bringing pain to himself and discarding his present instead of shaping it into something better. So he found hope after listening to Alec and Imasu. He shook his head, trying to not let the anger and jealousy get the best of him. He knew he needed to keep his past and present life separate and his focus on Alec.

 

Alec looked around the beautifully lit ballroom. Twinkling golden fairy lights and wildflowers made the place look like straight out of a book a fairytale. Imasu didn’t leave his side but people kept coming to him and he kept talking over his radio that Alec presumed was with his team members. Alec was slightly grateful having Imasu there. He didn’t feel like the place was coming to choke the breath out of him. And also he didn’t see Magnus, not even a glimpse.

Matt started playing an old classic British instrumental music that Cat requested to play when she walked down the aisle. Alec saw Ragnor clenching his jaw. Raphael gave him an imperceptible nod. Obviously, they were aware of the situation between Magnus and him. He took his eyes away to look at the door to see Cat walking in with Magnus by his side. Magnus walked Cat to Ragnor.

Alec couldn’t take his eyes away from Magnus. Not only Magnus looked absolutely perfect, but Alec was also stunned to recognize the suit he was wearing. Apparently, Magnus’s big idea was to make them couple suits. The self-color weaving design of the leafy patterned jacket, the straight slim fit pants and Chinese collar black shirts. Alec’s suit was in dark navy blue and Magnus’s in rich burgundy. Their whole outfit was same except the color.

Alec noticed other outfits as Magnus and Cat reached the altar and the ceremony started. In between it, Alec had most surely zoned out in a world where Magnus and he were walking together side by side at their own wedding, having their own happy life. Alec had to shake his head at the train of his thoughts. He didn’t know what possessed him to think something like that. It was already painful seeing Magnus on the altar beside Cat like that.

He focused his eyes on the ceremony after blinking in quick successions. Raphael wore a simple black suit with a deep bottle green silk shirt inside. It looked like something Raphael would wear comfortably. Ragnor was in wedding tux. The jacket was pretty similar to Magnus’s and his. Self-design of geometric patterns on black which actually was quite defining for Ragnor, with waist belt, bowtie and white shirt. Cat was in a shoulder-less ivory gown, with a lace jacket of geometric pattern and highlighted with golden sequins. She wore gold jewelry to compliment her dress and makeup. She looked absolutely stunning. Magnus kept everything sweet, simple and comfortable.  

The ceremony started and finished and Alec didn’t even pay any attention. In between sometimes, Imasu had excused himself too and Alec didn’t notice that either. He only came out of his daydream when Matt shook him violently telling him to meet at the ballroom gallery where they had set up for food, music and dance. Alec simply nodded and followed Matt. His time was coming soon.

 

**158 – A beginning or an ending**

“The lady said we’ll be up in half an hour, right after the speeches. So you should come and check all the things before we start.” Matt looked at him hopefully.

“Yeah, I’ll be there in a bit.” Alec muttered at Matt but his eyes were to the door.

Alec didn’t recognize anyone at the wedding except Magnus, Cat, Ragnor and Raphael. He wasn’t shocked seeing Ash and Jessie manning the cocktail bar. Of course, Raphael was sponsoring the drinks. Alec dashed into the farthest corner bar the moment he saw them walking in together.

 

Magnus was held up with Cat and Ragnor. The guests were filling in the dining room slowly and coming to congratulate the couple. He had to take the charge and free Izzy who couldn’t attend the ceremony because she was held up going over the final arrangements. Magnus needed to free her so she can change and attend the party. In between everything he lost sight of Alec.

 

“Where have you been?” Izzy snarled at her brother the moment they met at the downstairs lobby.

“Sorry, I told you I’d be late. And anyway I didn’t want to attend the ceremony without you. I’d look like an idiot there alone.” Jace smoothed his palm over his jacket getting into the elevator.

“There’s… news.” Izzy spoke softly catching Jace offside.

“What news?” Jace was looking at the changing floor numbers on the LED screen.

“Alec is here.” Izzy looked at everywhere but him.

“What?” Jace snapped his head at his sister so hard that they both heard a small pop, “What do you…” and then he remembered, “Fuck… I forgot he’s dating Magnus.”

“Tell me about it.” Izzy rolled her eyes, “After the accident, I thought he’s still in recovery and probably wouldn’t come. Cat told me something like that. But I just saw him inside and…” she peeked at her brother, “He’s the singer for tonight.”

“Wait, what?” Jace was stunned.

“Yeah, Cat didn’t tell me she canceled my band and hired Alec to sing tonight just so he’d come. Can you believe her?” She was a bit mad at Cat.

“Why would she do that? She knows Alec’s situation.” Jace was frowning.

“I don’t know. I haven’t been able to talk to her. Magnus told me thankfully and he didn’t seem exactly happy with this either. I wonder if something happened.” Izzy was being serious.

“So if we go in now, we’ll have to face Alec?” Jace tried to confirm for final.

“Yes, are you sure you wanna do this? Or wait for Clary and Simon?” Izzy shuffled from foot to foot uncomfortably. “I mean she invited Si anyway as Raphael’s friend and Clary as Magnus’s assistant. So they both are coming. Si called me. They are minutes away.” She was clearly trying to deviate.

“Jesus, Iz, I don’t know. But I guess we wanna do this.” Jace was visibly panicking, sweat beads running down his temple into his neatly combed hair, “We should do this. But… wait for Simon and Clary maybe? I don’t wanna go in alone.”

“Don’t sweat, Jace.” Izzy faced Jace and fixed his hair. Jace scowled at her.

“I’m trying, Iz.” Jace fixed his jacket again. They walked out of the elevator hand in hand. Izzy in an elegant dark green short dress and Jace dressed in a grey blazer with black denim and open-collar white shirt. They entered the banquet where the dinner service was about to start. They looked around once and then back at each other. Izzy pressed her palm on Jace’s arm, reassuring her brother.

“We’ll do this together, okay? I’m here. We’ll do it together.” Izzy tried to reassure Jace and herself at the same time.

“Yeah… Together,” Jace’s smile wavered just like Izzy’s, “What else do we have to lose?” he nervously held Izzy’s hand and went to an empty corner to wait.

“A lot?” Izzy joked but seeing Jace’s wavering smile, she decided not to. “Yeah, we got nothing to lose, other than each other.” She lamented and saw Simon and Clary dashing in. She waved at them to catch their attention and call over.

“Alec is here?” It was the first thing Simon said.

“Who told you?” Izzy frowned. Clary hooked her arm with Jace and gave him a worried look. He tried to smile for her instead.

“Ash, he saw Alec here.” Simon was looking between the brother and sister.

“Well, you know what we’re facing tonight then. May the angel save us.” Izzy gave a dramatic nod and walked into the dining hall with Simon holding her arm and Clary and Jace following them.

 

Alec felt betrayed.

He never felt such anger before as he felt at the moment when he saw the group of four entering the hall. He wanted to run away. He didn’t even want to think why or how could Cat do that to him, ambushing him like that. He didn’t wanna think how much he hated Cat at the moment. He didn’t wanna think how Cat turned into one of them who felt the need to fix everything for Alec. He didn’t want to ruin the night for her. He still felt responsible for her night. He wanted to laugh at himself for still helping her.

But then he saw Magnus, at the other end of the hall, talking and laughing with some people. A lady in red was standing right beside him who looked quite happy to be there. Magnus didn’t look at him, he didn’t look for him and he never came to talk to him. What was he doing there then? Oh, he reminded himself, he was still hoping to talk to Magnus for one last time, apologize and leave forever. Yes, that was the plan. It’s the right plan. It’s a good plan. Unless of course, he felt like going somewhere and just die. For that, he needed Magnus to stop him.

Imasu may have pushed him to rethink everything and he knew he wouldn’t be able to let Magnus go ever, but he needed to talk to Magnus, to make sure his decision was right. Damn, he desperately wanted Magnus to push him away.

Or did he?

He gazed at Magnus and his smiling face, the woman was clearly flirting with Magnus who didn’t even push her away. His heart made a slow twist inside that made him feel funny. Was that what Magnus felt when he saw David at home? Was this jealousy what he felt? Was Alec jealous of seeing Magnus smiling and enjoying without him? Didn’t he want that? Didn’t he want Magnus to be happy always? Wasn’t that why Alec didn’t pursue Magnus after he left?

Ash silently refilled his glass for the fifth time. Alec gulped down the raw bourbon. The amber liquid burned his throat and inside. He vaguely remembered bourbon being his dad’s favorite and stealing a bottle from his dad’s stash once to get drunk with Imasu. Who knew he’d still have a stomach for that? He almost laughed at his own joke. Thankfully he wasn’t just drunk, not yet. He’d just have enough to soothe his frayed nerves. After all, it’s his liquid luck.

 

“Cat, please tell me you told Alec about them being here.” Magnus pointed toward Jace and Izzy before looking over everywhere to find Alec but he couldn’t just locate him. In the meantime Jace, Izzy, Simon and Clary came to congratulate the couple and to Magnus’s utter shock, behind them was the Wayland family, Michael, Lydia and Madzie.

Cat didn’t reply. Ragnor and Raphael narrowed their eyes at her. Magnus saw red the moment he saw the Wayland family coming toward them. “Are you freaking out of your God damned mind or have you lost your last bit of brain left?” he freaked out. He couldn’t think about what Alec would do if he saw them all. And honestly, he didn’t want to imagine what Alec would do.

“Alec doesn’t know you invited us?” Michael was so shocked that Lydia had to grab his arm. Magnus ran both hands through his hair. Jace and Izzy shared looks.

“Honey, why would you do this?” Ragnor couldn’t think why Cat did that.

“Stop it, okay? I’m not the villain here. Stop overreacting. Alec needed a push. He’d never accept his issues until he’d be put in situations to face them. I just gave him the push. I invited Waylands ’cause they’re family too.” She muttered glaring at Ragnor and Magnus.

“And who the fuck do you think of yourself to decide that?” Magnus snarled and walked away from the group before she could answer. He needed to find Alec before he sees someone or does anything drastic.

 

**159 – Alec Lightwood**

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I’m Alec, Alec Lightwood. And I’m here on a special request of the pretty bride… my dear, Catarina… to sing the first song of the night… the song of the couple… for their first dance.”

Alec was on the podium. He was already sitting on a chair with a microphone on a stand in front of him. His one hand was holding a glass while the other held the guitar. He gave a cheery smile. He had his suit jacket draped over the backrest of the chair.

Magnus was at the other end of the room near the bar. He was about to go out of the rear end of the hall when he heard Alec’s voice loud and clear. He turned back on his toes. His eyes swiftly cut through the room immediately falling on Alec. He gulped involuntarily. There was something about Alec that looked different. Alec looked more handsome with a couple of buttons off at the collar and completely messed hair. But he noticed Alec’s eyes which were red. He shuffled through the room between the groups of people. There was an eerie silence in the room.

“First of all, my heartiest congratulations to the bride and the groom,” Alec raised his glass of bourbon with a lopsided smile to the couple who stood near the dancing area with rest of the people around them, “May it be a happy journey for them. Marriage is a wonderful institution… not that I’d ever know. So I wanna wish them all the best for their new journey together at the beginning of it.”

Magnus was rushing at the stage to get to Alec but he stopped short when Clary stopped him by his arm. “Clary lemme go.” He bellowed.

“Is he drunk? He looks drunk. Please tell me he’s not drunk. Oh God, he is drunk.” Clary talked fast.

“No, he’s not. He doesn’t drink.” Even though Magnus said it, he remembered drunken Alec sleeping on the floor beside the bedroom door. His heart clenched. Alec could be drunk for all he knew. “No… no… he isn’t,” he said it himself more than to Clary.

“I was told to wait for half an hour before I could sing the one song I promised as a favor.” Alec smiled weirdly, “Now I was also told to take a chance, take the risk, man up and blah, blah, blah, for tonight. So if everybody is done with their speeches and the happy couple is ready for their first dance, then please…” he gestured his hand toward the dance area inviting Ragnor and Catarina to start.

“Or shall I start first?” Alec suddenly spoke again, stopping a stunned Cat and an annoyed Ragnor in middle of their walk, “Maybe I should.” He didn’t stop smirking, “Cheers to the happy couple. I once asked Cat to not betray her friend and be there for him. She took me quite literally. Good to see she can go to any length to protect her friend and loved one. At least some people will appreciate it. Now we both know who’s a friend and who is not. Glad to have that bit sorted.” he gave a crooked smile to Cat. Right after he placed the guitar on his lap concentrating on the song and giving Matt cue to start the music.

Magnus stood there, shell shocked, right beside Jace, Izzy, Cat, Ragnor, Raphael, Michael, Lydia, Clary and Simon. He didn’t have any more doubt that Alec had drunk a fair amount, if not drunk already. He willed himself to look at Cat who finally had some remorse in her eyes. Of course, she didn’t expect an outcome like that. Magnus couldn’t answer her gaze. He didn’t want to.

At that moment, Alec was more important to Magnus than Catarina. Whatever Alec may have done to him, however, good Cat’s intention was behind everything, Magnus couldn’t forgive her for throwing Alec under the bus like that, taking away Alec’s chance to choose to how to deal with his family, his chance to make a decision about everything. He was just happy that Alec was right in front of him where he could still have a hope to stop and bring Alec back from his self-destroying path.

Alec was strumming the chords and humming to get into the music. Magnus had never seen Alec like that, with a guitar in his hand and bending low over it, concentration marred his flushed face. His long pale fingers held and released the chords, his tousled hair falling over his eyes. Alec looked different, if not changed.

_“Not sure if you know this_

_But when we first met_

_I got so nervous_

_I couldn't speak_

_In that very moment_

_I found the one and_

_My life had found its missing piece…”_

Alec sang the intro and played only the music at the hook like he always does. He didn’t look up to see what anyone was doing. He didn’t see if Ragnor and Cat were dancing or not.

 _“_ _What we have is timeless_

_My love is endless_

_And with this ring I say to the world_

_You're my every reason_

_You're all that I believe in_

_With all my heart I mean every word…”_

Alec had his eyes closed and emerged into the song.

Magnus stared at the man on the stage. He couldn’t believe his eyes it’s the same man he had known for so long. He didn’t look like the man he used to know, the self-conscious, weird and shy man. In front of him sat a man who’s born a singer. The music came to him like air. His rich, deep, bright and melodious voice took the music all over the room. The man in front of him wasn’t the Alec Wayland he knew. It was the Alec Lightwood, who was hidden behind ever so scared Alec Wayland for so long that nobody saw him ever. It was Alec Lightwood who loved singing and sang to enjoy the music. It was Alec Lightwood who can lose himself in music. Magnus was in awe of that man. But somewhere in the back of his mind, he was scared to lose his Alec forever in between all these.   

_“And if our daughter's what our future holds_

_I hope she has your eyes_

_Finds love like you and I did_

_And if she falls in love we'll let her go_

_I'll walk her down the aisle_

_She'll look so beautiful in white_

_You look so beautiful in white_

_So as long as I live I'll love you_

_Will have and hold you_

_You look so beautiful in white_

_And from now to my very last breath_

_This day I'll cherish_

_You look so beautiful in white_

_Tonight…”_

Alec sang the last strains of the song repeating the hook and Magnus’s inside lurched painfully. Why was he imagining Alec in white?

Why could he see himself dedicating that song to Alec someday in their life?

Why could he picture Alec and himself dancing to that song together arm in arm and happy?

Magnus’s face went red from the agony of those thoughts. His eyes pricked with tears. He saw Alec looking up and holding the microphone again after he finished the song. He felt someone clutching at his jacket sleeve at his elbow. He saw Alec’s blank eyes looking at nothing in particular with an uncoordinated gaze. He willed Alec to look at him but Alec looked down again.

“Uh… sorry if I sound weird right now. It was supposed to be a happy song, you know… of love and laughter and emotions… I guess I’ve dampened the mood a bit… Sorry about that… But as Cat promised me, she’ll return my favor… So I’ll ask for consent to sing more tonight… I guess I’m gonna take a risk… But before the next song, can anybody get me some water, please? I haven’t been on stage in forever… my throat’s a little dry…” Alec spoke monotonously. Before Magnus could process the words and move he saw Imasu going up to the podium.

 

“Are you alright? I think I saw your siblings earlier. And you seem a bit flushed, maybe…” Imasu whispered at Alec as he handed Alec a bottle. Alec whispered back covering the head of the microphone with his free palm, “…may be a little drunk? Woozy?” completed the sentence. Imasu nodded but smiled.

“No… well, I may have had a few rounds of bourbon… but you know my tolerance of that in particular,” Alec gave a sly wink, “I’m fine. I’m on liquid luck.”

“You, your stupid brain and your liquid luck… will get you killed someday.” Imasu gave a silent joking laugh.

“Tonight… maybe I wouldn’t mind that… Maybe that’s what I want…” Alec said jokingly but they both could see he was serious. Before Imasu could ask more, Alec shooed him off the podium with another smile.

Since the terrace, Magnus saw Alec smiling for the first time, small but genuine, which were only directed to Imasu. He couldn’t hear what they talked about but he surely saw the half wink or so what it seemed like. He was completely drawing blank of what was happening. Alec drank some water and the silence in the room stretched. He realized Izzy was holding his elbow and standing beside him with Jace at her other side. All three of them were in equal shock.

“Magnus…” Izzy’s low voice caught his attention, “Has something happened? Are you two… okay?” Magnus could hear the concern in her voice but he couldn’t say anything. His eyes couldn’t leave Alec alone, not even to blink.

“So uh…” Alec smacked his lips and suddenly looked a bit cheery. His earlier clumsiness slipped away moment by moment, “My handsome friend here told me I seem a bit woozy. Do I now?” he asked the crowd that remained weirdly silent.

Alec seemed more confident and coordinated. His eyes smoothly ran over the crowd, marginally slowing on the group, “I assure you all, I’m not drunk. I’m not a disgruntled ex or something. I’m just a friend… or so I thought.” He gave a sweet smile and smacked his lips again, “So many people are invited here tonight. And I didn’t expect to see so many of these face here tonight, that I know so well.” He twitched his guitar, not looking at the audience anymore, “Not that I mind much… but I would’ve liked to have some notice in a bit prior. But that’s okay… I guess I needed someone to kick me in the ass and wake me up. But I swear I’m up now.”

Alec’s eyes met with Catarina for less than a second. Where Alec’s eyes were full on the agony and despise, Cat’s showed still some remorse. “So, now that we all are here… I guess I have my biggest chance to do what everybody wants me to do…” he looked up again; his eyes met with Magnus’s for the first time in the whole night, “Here goes nothing…” he took a deep breath. Magnus’s heart jumped.

 

**160 – Someone to help me out**

Alec gazed at Magnus, his Magnus who looked like a devilish angel in that burgundy suit. Magnus looked like someone who could exactly complement him, that night and forever. And then he saw the two people standing right beside him.

In another case, Alec would’ve been mad, seeing a woman clutching onto Magnus, like that lady in red dress earlier. But this time, he wasn’t. He was rather happy. The three people for whom Alec could roll over and die any day and would do it with a happy smile and no words expressed, stood together side by side. In that moment, Alec could see his whole world coming together in those 3 people. A long flowing raven-haired and dark brown eyed lady in a mint green dress who stood in middle with Magnus on her right and a silver blond man with blue-brown heterochromic eyes in casual jeans and jacket on her left.

Alec distinctly noticed Izzy. His baby bird was holding hands of the two men. He could see the distress in Magnus’s chocolate brown eyes that he always knew to spark brightly. He could see the concern in his little sister’s eyes. He could see the wonder and plead in his parabatai, his brother’s eyes. But first thing first, Alec was on a mission to complete. And this time he didn’t have the urge to run away or make a fool of himself by backing down, denying his feelings.

Alec’s heart and brain were telling him to run away from all of it. But he knew one day, sooner or later he needed to stop running, stop turning his back to all the situations, to the people who matter. This might as well be his last chance forever. So he was actually thankful for his ‘liquid luck’. It was giving him the strength he couldn’t muster being sober to get through this.

“I promise it won’t be the last time I sing to you. Only if I’m allowed to have more chances because I know that you can still hear me.” Alec was looking down fiddling with a chord on the guitar, “And right now, my words are failing just like I failed you. I’ll sing our song even if it’s the last thing I do.”

 

Jace and Izzy’s eyes snapped back at each other. They remembered the exact words being spoken the last time by Alec. It was the night Alec had decided to leave home. Those were the same words Alec had used to say goodbye to his siblings. Jace and Izzy hadn’t said anything in return. They pretended to be asleep and had let Alec just be.

Magnus spared them a look of dumbfounding right before they heard Alec again, “The Angel do so to me, and more also, if aught but death part thee and me.” Alec spoke softly while strumming the guitar in mindless tune.

Magnus vaguely remembered those words. They were the same words Jace had said to Alec at the hospital when he was in coma. The recognition of those words was clear of the siblings’ expression.

_“Help me, it's like the walls are caving in_

_Sometimes I feel like giving up_

_But I just can't_

_It isn't in my blood…”_

Alec’s low but clear voice and slow strums were followed by the same music on the piano.

_“Laying on the bathroom floor, feeling nothing_

_I'm overwhelmed and insecure, give me something_

_I could take to ease my mind slowly_

_Just have a drink and you'll feel better_

_Just take her home and you'll feel better_

_Keep telling me that it gets better_

_Does it ever?”_

Somewhere in middle, more instruments joined the music and Alec’s voice rose little by little.

_“Help me, it's like the walls are caving in_

_Sometimes I feel like giving up_

_No medicine is strong enough_

_Someone help me_

_I'm crawling in my skin_

_Sometimes I feel like giving up_

_But I just can't_

_It isn't in my blood…”_

As fast and higher as Alec sang the words his fingers moved accordingly on the guitar. The background music and the guitar created a melody giving Alec a moment to breathe and get ready for the next part.

_“Looking through my phone again feeling anxious_

_Afraid to be alone again, I hate this_

_I'm trying to find a way to chill, can't breathe, oh_

_Is there somebody who could..._

_Help me, it's like the walls are caving in_

_Sometimes I feel like giving up_

_No medicine is strong enough_

_Someone help me_

_I'm crawling in my skin_

_Sometimes I feel like giving up_

_But I just can't_

_It isn't in my blood…”_

From the high note, Alec’s voice dipped in the mellow again, building up the rhythm and getting higher back again. It was probably that one song where he followed the original composition.

_“It isn't in my blood_

_I need somebody_ now

 _I_ _need somebody now_

_Someone to help me out_

_I need somebody now…”_

Alec took his voice as far as he could. The agony inside him was burning hot and wild. He poured it out through his voice. He needed to get it all out. He really was tired of holding it all back.

_“Help me, it's like the walls are caving in_

_Sometimes I feel like giving up_

_But I just can't_

_It isn't in my blood…”_

It was inevitable that Alec’s voice broke. He wasn’t used to pushing his voice so far in a long time. He exhausted himself easily. He couldn’t do the final uprising of the song. So he ended it on the mellow note, letting it seep into the listener’s heart. In the background, the music faded too, leaving Alec to finish it on guitar.

 

Magnus stared at Alec. Izzy stared at Alec. Jace stared at Alec. The two pairs of eyes of the siblings reflected the acknowledgment of exactly what Alec was trying to say through the song. The other pair was blank, raw and emotionless. Magnus wasn’t sure to what make of that song. His brain was swimming with a thousand different questions. Alec couldn’t have chosen a better song.

Izzy and Jace knew about Alec’s fascination and obsession. The Alec they used to know used to have multiple notebooks full of lyrics from his favorite songs, be it old or current. Alec always collected songs and their lyrics. Words always attracted Alec. He’d always find meaning in every song. More than the music and the melody, Alec was always attracted to words. He felt they have more power than actions. Even to justify one’s action, one has to take the help of words. Alec knew how words can cut deep and also heal. A few right words can touch and enrich a soul more than a gesture. As much as gestures and actions are needed in life, words are important too.

Izzy and Jace grew up watching Alec collecting songs that he always found something to connect with himself. The song Alec sang for them was also something like that. It was as if he found the words of his soul into that song, in its lyrics. Alec was begging, telling them how helpless he felt, how hurting it was, how he couldn’t find a way to escape and he was dying inside.

Alec was asking them to rescue him, help him to come out of it. Alec was telling them how many times he tried to give up. But he just couldn’t. Because he, never stopped hoping, waiting for them because Alec never gave up on them. He couldn’t. He fought for so long that he forgot how to express his feelings. He lost himself until he found that music was his remedy. He used to dedicate all the songs to them at the recording studio. Lyrics were the only way Alec could let himself go and tell what he exactly felt. Izzy and Jace were stunned.

They understood the meaning behind the lyrics. It was their brother asking them to take him home, save him from walking down his self-destructive path. It was Alec asking them to give him hope, something to hold on to, be a light at the end of the tunnel, lend him a hand for support. This was their Alec trying to come out of his past. This was their long lost brother trying to live again. This was Alec Lightwood giving into his own demons and seeking help.

 

**161 – Say something I’m giving up on you**

Alec’s heart made funny moves inside his chest.

It was getting harder to breathe. He tried to take a deep breath and calm himself. He didn’t want this day of all days to have a panic attack. It wasn’t helping. The look on Izzy and Jace’s eyes were making him uncomfortable to the bones. He kept fighting the urge to just jump out of the chair, dash out of the room and run out of the place. At that moment he needed something to ground him, to stop him from the imminent breakdown.

Alec looked down at his guitar, running a palm on the curve of the edge caressing the instrument softly. He remembered his mother. He willed himself to remember how far he had come and who was still waiting for him. His siblings may or may not accept him. The love of his life may or may not abandon him. But at that moment, it was his mother, it was Maryse Lightwood and the guitar she saved for her apparently the dead son, grounded him. He couldn’t leave her alone, not again.

Alec steadied himself and swallowed the nauseating feeling. He could feel he was shaking inside, his teeth were about to rattle. His jaw was clenching and his palms were sweating.

“You just found me in the wrong universe, that’s all. This is, as they say, the darkest timeline. Everywhere else we are happy. By the law of averages, there had to be one universe – just this one – where we don’t end up together, probably. Here and now just happens to be it…” Alec paused to take another deep breath, bit his lip hard until it started to hurt and gulped the chocking feeling that was creeping inside him, “I’ll always love you.”

 

The last four words were barely a whisper, spoken under the breath. But Magnus heard them loud and clear. Not because of the microphone. But because they were meant only for him to listen, Magnus knew that quite well. His heart was beating so frantically in his chest that he thought people around him would be able to hear it. But he only felt his own body tensing with every word Alec said, in a manner of finality. He couldn’t escape the feeling that at the end of it all, he’d be left alone. And he wasn’t yet ready to let Alec go, not without a fight. He wasn’t ready to give up, not like Alec.

“This one’s for my love…” Alec whispered softly into the microphone and started to play the guitar. This time no music was played from the background. It was just Alec and his guitar. After a few seconds, Magnus heard the beginning of the song, Alec’s voice sharp and clear, the music stuck Magnus like blows after blows. He stood wide-eyed forgetting the world around him. It was like there was nothing except him and Alec, in that room.

Alec’s fingers moved swiftly over the chords starting the spell. And then all of a sudden his raw voice started the song.

_“Say something, I'm giving up on you…”_

It was so soft that at first Magnus didn’t even understand it was the beginning of the song.

It was just the first line of the song and Magnus felt like someone knocked the air out of his lungs. His breath rattled.

_“…I'll be the one if you want me to…”_

There were pauses between each line where Alec just played the guitar. It made the song anticipating, waiting for the next words.

_“…Anywhere I would've followed you…”_

Magnus had one question in his mind, what the hell Alec was doing?

_“…Say something, I'm giving up on you…”_

Alec was leaning down on the guitar but his shoulders were straight as he sang the song. His eyes were closed. His voice kept rising and falling with the notes.

_“And I... am feeling so small_

_It was over my head_

_I know nothing at all…”_

Alec suddenly sat a bit straight up straightening his back. His eyes were still closed but his head tilted sideways with the rhythm. His brows knit in close.

_“…And I... will stumble and fall_

_I'm still learning to love_

_Just starting to crawl…”_

His eyes snapped open but kept looked away, trying hard to concentrate on the song. He was frowning at the tightness he suddenly started to feel his chest. He tried to sing properly than not focus on the bile that kept rising no matter how many times he gulped in the pauses between the lines. He couldn’t just shake off that feeling. This time it kept rising. His eyes started to sting and he blinked. He knew he needed to look up and see Magnus. He wanted to see Magnus in the eye while he sang that song.

_“Say something, I'm giving up on you_

_I'm sorry that I couldn't get to you…”_

His head snapped up and found Magnus immediately. He looked into Magnus’s chocolate brown eyes. He saw the blankness in it. He saw the lyrics making a slow impact on Magnus’s body.

_“…Anywhere I would've followed you_

_Say something, I'm giving up on you…”_

He saw Magnus looking into his eyes, confusion marred his face. But his eyes were still blank. Alec couldn’t blink. He couldn’t terminate whatever that was building between them. The connection, the electricity, it was palpable. Alec could feel it.

Alec started to tremble. Dry heaves were rattling him to the bones. His voice wavered, his fingers shook and couldn’t hold the right chord.

_“And I... will swallow my pride…”_

Alec chocked, suddenly. His voice broke completely. He knew he couldn’t sing anymore. Magnus did things to him, those eyes made him weak. The pain and hurt behind those eyes glazed over as the sheen of a tear. He pushed himself to continue but his fingers refused to move. His one hand gripped the neck of the guitar and the other palmed the base, hitting all the chords to make a cracking noise breaking the melody.

_“You're the one… that I love…”_

He tried, he tried harder than ever. But his heart wasn’t listening. It was frantically hammering in his chest. He was suffocating, chocking on his own spit. He couldn’t breathe. His eyes burned badly. He was inching closer to lose control. Maybe this song was a bad idea. He couldn’t keep singing anymore. He couldn’t look at Magnus anymore. He couldn’t see that man looking at him strangely as if he never knew him. Alec felt his liquid luck running out.

_“…And I'm saying… goodbye…”_

Alec somehow managed to sing one last line before his eyes suddenly closed themselves. His brain ruled over his heart and took over his body. It started to repair all the damage he had done in the past couple of minutes while singing that song and gazing at Magnus. His body shut down. He stopped singing. His head hung low and he just sat there with his shoulders slumped. He couldn’t feel anything. And that’s all it needed for Alec to break.

 

Magnus knew this song. And that’s why he was confused. He had heard this song multiple times when he lived with Alec. It was on Alec’s playlist. Not in the list of his recordings but in the list of his favorite songs. He had listened to the original song way too many times to realize Alec didn’t finish the song. Alec couldn’t finish the song. The song never made much sense to him as he felt it was too much assuming, sarcastic and sad. But when he listened to Alec, suddenly it all made sense. It wasn’t sad or sarcastic. It was the absolute truth Alec could always relate to.

The song made sense in a way too literal meaning. The song made sense in situations. The song made sense when it’s a verse of Alec. Like a wrecking ball, it hit Magnus – Alec was begging him to talk, to say something, to break the silence, to give him a reason to not give up.

This was his Alec telling him that he’d always be there for Magnus. That he’d always follow Magnus, if only he gets a chance.

This was his Alec telling him how he helpless he felt, how much he was trying to learn and accept everything and how hard all of it was for him.

This was his Alec bowing down to him, giving in to his heart and accepting his love and pronouncing it.  

Magnus knew he was blank. His brain was drawing thousand different images of him and Alec, so many questions, so many things he wanted to say to Alec. But his eyes only followed Alec, locked on him. Magnus couldn’t move. His body weighed in tons. The last line of the song came back to Magnus…

Did Alec just say goodbye to him?

Was that it? Were they over? Was their relationship done? Was that how Magnus and Alec finish? Was that the end for Alec and Magnus?

Was that really a goodbye?

His dad’s words came back to him; a small, old, almost forgotten voice from his past spoke the words of wise in his mind. _“It’s never goodbye. If you say goodbye, it means you still have a hope to meet again. And you never stop hoping… never give up.”_ Magnus stood frozen as the words took over him.

Alec took a deep rattling breath to blink away the closing darkness as the sound of the guitar got lost in the air. He felt lightweight. His fingers lay limp on the guitar. His hands shook. He was sweating profusely. But inside he felt the chilling cold as if he was in Alaska in December in Hawaii shorts only. He took another rattling breath and twitched his toe, checking the reflexes and limbs. The moment he felt them responsive enough, he then used one last surge of adrenaline and stood up. He shouldered his guitar and swayed his way down the podium.

Alec didn’t try to see if somebody was looking at him or not or what their expression was. In other words, head still hanging low, face flushed and wet, drenched in cold and sweat, crutch, guitar case and the suit jacket forgotten, stunning a room full of people, Alec Lightwood hobbled to the nearest exit.

 

**162 – Stand by me**

Magnus couldn’t move and that scared him big time. It felt like the Cemetery incident all over again. He could only feel his body rejecting his orders to move and stop Alec. His eyes could only watch. Nothing moved. He was frozen in shock. His brain was working overtime to process everything that just happened.

 

Alec didn’t know why he panicked. He wasn’t supposed to. He had his liquid luck. And damn, he was waiting for something to happen.

Why the universe was always against him? Why couldn’t any of them just stop him? Where would he go now? Home and wallow in misery? Try something different and extreme? To mum and tell her he failed again? To dad and tell him that he won again? To the cemetery and tell Max that he was coming to rest beside him again?

How many times he’d do this? How long this would go on? How many trips he’d make all over to the place and find himself going back to the three and wait and wait until… until Death actually comes to him? Why was he such a coward?

 

Alec’s thoughts were all over the place. He wasn’t even looking where he was going. In his periphery, he could see the door and made that his goal. He just hoped Michael or Madzie wouldn’t come to stop him. He had already made a mess of himself all over again and this time in front of the public. He didn’t want to put them through any more trouble for him. He just wanted to be alone… if he couldn’t be with Magnus… or Jace… or Izzy… or any of them… or all three. He just wanted to be alone… preferably left alone… forever.

He was lost in his thoughts and slowly walking closer to his goal when he felt the tug. His heart made a lurch and then dropped into the abyss of his stomach. He surely felt like he’d throw up anytime.

Before he could exactly recover, he felt another tug. The fog slowly cleared from his mind and he realized nobody tugged at him. He slowly turned to see Jace there with red eyes and red nose and disheveled hair and tugging at the guitar.

Alec’s heart dropped again. The guitar… he had forgotten that Izzy and Jace might recognize the guitar. After all, it was a gift from mum and he didn’t know how long Maryse had it with her in the hospital. Surely, Jace or Izzy or they both had seen it with her. Surely they had recognized it. Alec felt the pressure rising in his chest painfully, achingly.

“Give it to me,” Jace said in a low voice but Alec could hear the recognition and acknowledgment for the guitar in that voice. That’s the first things Jace said to him 13 years if he hadn’t heard or remembered him reciting the oath to him when he was in the hospital. But more than that, Alec was worried how Jace and Izzy would decipher the situation, what they’d think of how he got the guitar. Or they'd think, like his desperate hope, that it’s just a co-incidence that Maryse’s guitar and his are just the same. Stunned, Alec let go of the guitar. Jace took it and turned away. Behind him, Izzy was looking at them both, having the same red eyes. Alec knew in his guts that it was his time to leave, for forever.

Alec was almost by the door when he heard the silence of the room being interrupted by a very familiar voice. He turned almost tripped over his own shoes seeing Jace on the podium, with Izzy by his side. He felt a freezing cold running down his spine, locking him into the place. He barely noticed Imasu standing right beside him. But his eyes found Magnus, in front of the podium, exactly where he stood before. The only difference was Magnus had turned and faced him.

 

“We never got the chance but in desperate hope, we practiced for years. We can never be as good as you. But we will try.” Izzy said softly into the microphone. Alec was stunned and unable to comprehend what was happening.

“Entreat me not to leave thee,

Or return from following after thee -” Jace looked up to gaze at Alec who sucked in a quick breath.

“For whither thou goest, I will go,

And where thou lodgest, I will lodge.

Thy people shall be my people and thy God my God.

Where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried.”

Jace kept his eyes trained on Alec’s. Nobody blinked. Alec noticed the layer of tear covering Jace’s eyes.

“You said you’ll always sing our song even if it’s the last thing you do. You sang that song for years for us. You put us to sleep every night. You chased away the monsters when we were kids. You let Jace hold you to sleep. You let us hold on to you after Stephen and Cecile died and even when it hurt you, you never let it show. You helped Jace to live again. You gave him a family. You loved us and never asked for anything in return. And what did we give you?” Izzy spoke from beside Jace. Her eyes were also on Alec.

Alec had no idea what was happening and what he should do. But he was sure it’s not about the guitar. It’s about the song he didn’t sing. And God forbid, they would start singing it for him.

“It was one song that never changed. It was our song that we couldn’t bear to listen from anyone but you. But somehow on our own, we never stopped trying, to sing that song again. You made that our song. It’s all we can give you now.” He heard the faint strums of the guitar as Izzy finished her speech.

_“When the night, has come_

_And the land is dark_

_And the moon is the only light we see…”_

Jace started singing and the breath caught at Alec’s throat.

_“No, I won't be afraid_

_No, I won't be afraid_

_Just as long as you stand, stand by me.”_

And it was Izzy singing and Alec couldn’t believe any of his senses anymore.

“So darling, darling, stand by me / Oh stand by me, oh stand… stand by me, stand by me.”

Jace and Izzy sang in the chorus. Alec unblinkingly saw Jace playing the guitar like a pro. He sang quite beautifully and Izzy gave a perfect duo to him. They both gazed at him. Alec couldn’t tear his eyes away from them. He barely believed his siblings were singing that song for him. Only his heart believed it right away that he was accepted and forgiven. His heart knew he could have them back again.

_“If the sky that we look upon_

_Should tumble and fall_

_The mountain should crumble to the sea…”_

This time Izzy started.

_“I won't cry. I won't cry_

_No, I won't, shed a tear_

_Just as you long as you stand, stand by me.”_

Jace completed the paragraph.

_“And darling, darling stand by me_

_Oh stand by me, oh stand now… stand by me, stand by me.”_

Again Izzy and Jace sang together again.

If Alec was to listen carefully, he could hear Izzy’s voice breaking. But he wasn’t. And still, he heard wavers in both their voices, plead in both their eyes. For the first in years, somebody sang that song for Alec. Like Izzy said before, he wasn’t able to sing or listen to that either without his siblings. So for years, he held himself back from that song because it was their song. It was that one song that held a lot of childhood memories, all too precious… their memories.

But lately, Alec realized Jace was still playing. He and Izzy were on the verge of tears but he didn’t stop playing the guitar. He was playing the last music and Alec couldn’t understand why. He went through the song in his mind until he realized there was the outro left. Alec understood why Jace was playing the music. They wanted him to sing the outro so that it could be a sign to all of them if they accept each other or not. Alec smiled. His lips involuntarily curled into a gleaming smile. He was sure Jace and Izzy saw him because their faces lightened up in dazzling smiles too.

_“So darling, darling, stand by me_

_Oh stand by me, oh stand now… stand by me, stand by me.”_

Alec finally sang at the right moment. He didn’t know how he managed to sing with his voice caught in his throat and breathe lost, but he did. He was even amazed by his own feat. Moments ago he felt like he’d faint. And moments later he was actually singing again.

_“Whenever you're in trouble won't you stand by me_

_Oh stand by me, oh stand now, stand by me, stand by me.”_

 

Alec was in tears even though he smiled. He saw Jace and Izzy with the same expression, smiling through tears. Their song brought them back together again. Their memories were saved. Alec was still standing by the door and he opened his arms like he used to do when they were kids. Jace and Izzy shared a look and gave a small laugh wiping their eyes before they both jumped off the stage and ran and fell in Alec’s arms. Like a man who held his world in his arms, he wrapped them closer bringing his siblings in a hug that they all were deprived of for years. That was all they wanted.

Izzy and Jace hugged him stronger and tears rolled down all their faces. They were still smiling. Nothing else mattered in the whole world than that moment. They were again standing by each other. Their song was complete. The Lightwood siblings were finally reunited and it just needed them all to sing one song, their song.

 

**163 – When Magnus loses his head**

Magnus was ashamed.

Yes, Magnus was ashamed, more like angry, with himself. How could he let down Alec like that? Why didn’t he see all that before?

He practically lived with that man day and night and shared so many things instead of all the important things that could’ve helped them to avoid a situation like this. So yes, Magnus was definitely not proud of himself for not seeing who Alec really was and what each and every song from his playlist meant to him.

Now when he went through the playlist in his mind, remembering the lyrics of most of them… he was cursing himself mentally for not listening carefully, for thinking that they were just songs, for not noticing it before that all those songs were the words of Alec’s heart. What Alec could never speak of, he tried to convey them with the lyrics and the music. He vaguely wondered if Alec ever dreamed to be a musician.

But - his brain probed helpfully - it wasn’t the time or place to have an internal discussion about that. It was time and place to act on it, move his fine ass, work up some courage and get his man. Yes, Magnus needed to unfreeze his body and do something before Alec leaves… no, not again… He absolutely would not allow Alec to get away from him again. It’s show time.

 

Alec was feeling out of the world… on top of Mt. Everest. He was soaring above cloud nine on a rainbow unicorn. His happiness was boundless. His siblings were in his arms. They were laughing and crying with him. Their feelings were same as him and it was good. It was all Alec ever wanted in his life, to be able to hold his baby girl and parabatai in his arms. Alec was happy. He placed kisses on both their foreheads and just like when they were kids, Izzy melted and Jace looked at him offended. He chuckled at those expressions. Nothing had changed.

Izzy was happy. She kissed her brother on the cheek. God knew how long she waited to be able to do that again. She didn’t bother tears smearing her eye makeup. It was happy tears and she was proud to let them flow. Her big bro was in her arms. She wouldn’t care if the world turned upside down after that.

Jace was happy. Even though he looked offended at the forehead kiss but only his heart knew how he felt the moment Alec’s lips touched his forehead again, after 13 years. He didn’t have any idea how much he misses and yearned for it until it happened. He was thanking all the Gods and holy deities he could think of for giving him his brother back. It’s all he ever wanted in his life. And he was thankful for having it. He didn’t know what he had before until he had lost it. This time he promised to not make the same mistake. He promised to cherish and appreciate whatever he’s got, the people and everything.

The siblings were having the greatest moment of their lives. They didn’t need words to express how they felt. Their eyes and smiles and tears expressed everything for them. And the moment broke when the sound system cracked suddenly. All three winced at the sound and being harshly pulled back to earth, bursting their happy bubble.

The siblings opened the embrace slightly but still had arms around each other and looked at the source of the noise and Alec felt like his heart already jumped out of his chest. He never got a chance to stop it from escaping and abandoning him. His mouth popped open, eyed went wide and if it wasn’t for Jace and Izzy in his arms supporting him, he probably would’ve fallen on his knees and begged for mercy.

 

Magnus Bane had lost his mind and his brain, most definitely. It wasn’t up for question. He had no idea what he was doing or why. He just decided to be himself, or the man Alec had fallen in love with so many years ago. So he put his jacket the chair that Alec was occupying before and still had Alec’s jacket draped on its back. His artful hair was in disarray mess as if he messed it up on purpose. He had his top 3 buttons of his shirt opened, showing a lot more skin. He was on the podium, leaning on one leg, jutting his hip out to the side that made his pant adjust itself to fit his butt and tapping on the microphone with his fingers that caused the cracking sound earlier.

Alec knew he was on the verge of dying if not already dead and in heaven. Magnus… his Magnus, was on the podium, looking like Aphrodite’s own handmade creation - if not made for herself – his mushy brain supplied unhelpfully. He was checking the microphone for heaven knows what reason but Alec couldn’t take his eyes off. He wanted to run and cover Magnus, at least button up his shirt up to his collar because he was jealous and mad and well… uncomfortable-in-his-pants, lip-biting-harshly, flushed-cheeks and thigh-pressing-roughly aroused. How could Magnus think of seducing him in front of the whole crowd like that? Why was Magnus toying with him like that? And why for Heaven’s sake he had no control over himself when it came to Magnus?

Now come to think of it, Alec himself made a mess in front of all of them but that didn’t mean Magnus could show off his precious body like that. Maybe he didn’t have any rights anymore to stare like that or be jealous like Magnus was all of his own, but still, what was Magnus playing at?

Alec narrowed his eyes but didn’t stop ogling. He wasn’t sure what Magnus wanted to do but he definitely got Alec’s complete undivided attention.

 

“Umm, sorry about that…” Magnus smiled slyly and looked around the people, “I’m new to this… totally new. This would be my first time getting on stage like this and I’ve been on stage a lot of time but never like this so I don’t know exactly what to do but I know I gotta do something and I know I’m ranting right now because I’m nervous, jeez I’m freaking out of my mind… oohhh…” he popped his shirt collar to fan himself, shifting from foot to foot, “But I can’t not freak out because obviously what my boyfriend and his siblings did just now is not something I can top. I’m sorry to disrupt your moment… umm, break your happy reunion. I’m so glad that everything is clear between you all but it’s me who’s in distress now. Me… I can use some of the ‘happy’ right now…” he air quoted at the word, looking down at the microphone, “…And honestly I don’t know what I’m doing but boy… I need to do something so please anybody would just make me stop ranting would be better ’cause seems like I can’t stop talking and I need to stop talking, so anybody, please…”

Alec belatedly realized this was the old Magnus, from the time they first met in the club. This was the ruggedly handsome, sexy, glitter boy he couldn’t take his eyes off. This was the Magnus who had no shame except he was super cute and chatty when he got flustered and nervous.

 

“Bo-Boyfriend?” Alec stuttered, definitely possessed by something, stepped out of Jace’s and Izzy’s embrace gazing dead ahead focusing on Magnus’s face. Magnus’s chocolate brown eyes turned to him the moment he heard the voice, “Did you say boyfriend?” that most definitely shocked Magnus to shut up. They both sighed, relieved. Magnus kept his eyes trained on Alec.

Just like he ranted, Magnus had no idea what he was doing. He was acting on the moment. But when he was thinking about the playlist he remembered a song from it. Magnus always liked that one. And now when he knew that music was the only way to reach Alec, he knew exactly what he could do. So with a bit of support from his adrenaline and the amount of wine he had consumed throughout the party even though that wasn’t enough to get him tipsy, he got himself on the stage.

“Among everything that’s all you got… figures.” Magnus sighed but squared his shoulder, “Yes, boyfriend…” he smirked and stressed on the word ‘boyfriend’, “Now I know how to get to you.”

Alec gaped at his wild and apparently ‘boyfriend’ wide-eyed and open-mouthed and wonder.

 

**164 – I don’t wanna live forever**

Now Magnus had a reputation to look after. Even though Alec told him repeatedly that he sings well - in this one case, he was more inclined to trust his beloved best friends. He was a terrible singer. And he knew Alec only praised to not hurt him.

Alec enjoyed waking up to Magnus singing along to the radio ridiculously and dancing in the safety of their kitchen where it didn’t matter that Magnus usually wore his robe and underwear. That was their special moment. But still, Magnus wasn’t going to make a disaster by singing in front of a room full of people. But for Alec, he was ready to do the second dangerous and disastrous thing ever. He was a bit worried Alec might leave him after that but he was ready to take the chance. After all, Alec took a chance, for him. The lengths one need to travel for love, Magnus thought and sighed, yeah, all for Alec, that stupid rugged idiot.

Magnus closed his eyes in silent prayer and then opened them to look at Alec. Without any preemption whatsoever he started spontaneously.

_“Been sittin' eyes wide open behind these four walls, hopin' you'll call_

_It's just a cruel existence like it's no point hopin' at all_

_Baby, baby, I feel crazy_

_Up all night, all night and every day_

_Give me somethin', oh, but just you say nothin'_

_What is happenin' to me?”_

He licked his lip nervously, still his gaze locked on Alec.

_"I don't wanna live forever_

_'Cause I know I'll be livin' in vain_

_And I don't wanna fit wherever_

_I just wanna keep callin' your name_

_Until you come back home_

_I just wanna keep callin' your name_

_Until you come back home…”_

Magnus saw the blank, almost incredulous and unbelievable look on Alec. He tried to smile, “I don’t know how to sing, Alexander. I know you know that. So help me, please. I’m trying… I… I don’t know how to do this… without you…” he pleaded, his gaze softening.

 

Alec was considered to be a smart man. But he also failed to understand when Magnus started talking spontaneously. For a moment he thought Magnus was babbling again. But after the second line, Alec understood, rather recognized. He pursed his lips to not laugh because damn, it was funny and cute. And Magnus didn’t make it any easier for him to control himself. He bit his lips continuously until Magnus stopped abruptly and asked him to help.

“Did he just…” Izzy whispered unhelpfully.

“I think he did…” Jace continued.

“Oh yeah… that man there… that’s my boyfriend…” Alec smirked with a cute, blushing smile on his face, took the guitar from Jace and actually limped.

 

Magnus frowned seeing Alec coming to him and limping. For the first time in the night, he remembered and was worried about Alec’s injury. He wasn’t completely fit yet. He wasn’t supposed to be on his feet for so long. A sudden pang of guilt stabbed him. He should’ve been there for Alec. He shouldn’t have left Alec in that condition. He wondered what Alec did in the last 10 days they stayed apart.

And that reminded him that they’ve been apart for 10 days. He suddenly scratched his ear awkwardly to hide the tear that pooled in his eyes. He had missed Alec so much. God, he had missed his love. And he hoped that that night would end differently, that the distance between them will finally be removed, that they will be together and happy again. 

 

Alec was stunned as he recognized the lyrics Magnus just recited like a poem instead of singing it like a song. Okay, so he may or may not have praised Magnus on his singing even though Magnus can barely hit a note properly. As bathroom singer Magnus was great but he never said anything because he didn’t want to hurt his boyfriend.

To be honest Alec loved Magnus singing. Even though it was offbeat and crazy and messy, it showed the perfect carefree, young Magnus that he is. It showed the Magnus who always hid behind colorful clothes and makeup. The dancing that came with it was just a bonus for Alec.

He loved Magnus singing because only Alec was able to see that Magnus, laughing, enjoying, letting his hair down… living in the moment. Only Alec was able to have that Magnus, that crazy, ridiculous, unbidden side of Magnus. That Magnus was Alec’s Magnus, only Alec’s. And Alec wasn’t ready to lose that. He needed Magnus; he needed his anchor.

But listening to Magnus reciting a song and still not be able to keep the music and rhythm out of his voice and going to the desperate length of sing/recite in front of all the people, yeah… Alec was falling in love for that man, all over again.

_“I'm sittin' eyes wide open and I got one thing stuck in my mind_

_Wondering if I dodged a bullet or just lost the love of my life_

_Baby, baby, I feel crazy_

_Up all night, all night and every day_

_I gave you something, but you gave me nothing_

_What is happening to me?...”_

Alec played the guitar as he sang the song and walked to the podium slowly.

_“I don't wanna live forever_

_'Cause I know I'll be livin' in vain_

_And I don't wanna fit wherever_

_I just wanna keep callin' your name_

_Until you come back home_

_I just wanna keep callin' your name_

_Until you come back home…”_

He was at the base of the podium and finished the paragraph before taking the two steps on to the podium and stood right in front of Magnus whose eyes never left him. There were small smiles playing on both their faces and tears glazed both their eyes.

Alec couldn’t believe how easily and suddenly all of it changed for him. He had come to the party with the feeling of losing everything and on the verge of the end. And now, he was standing in front of Magnus, singing the most ridiculous song ever for the situation and smiling like a loon and feeling like he’s got every single thing he wanted. He felt whole, complete, a beginning… a start of something new and it felt so right to be on the stage with Magnus gazing into his chocolate brown eyes that had that spark back in them, the spark Alec missed profoundly. “Sing with me…”

 _“I've been looking sad in all the nicest places…”_ Alec sang.

 _“Baby, baby, I feel crazy…”_ Magnus just managed to squeak out.

 _“I see you around in all these empty faces…”_ Alec smiled brighter.

 _“Up all night, all night and every day…”_ Magnus grinned like a loon.

_“I've been looking sad in all the nicest places…”_

_“Give me somethin', oh, but you say nothin'…”_

_“Now I'm in a cab, I tell him where your place is…”_

_“What is happenin' to me?”_

_“I don't wanna live forever_

_'Cause I know I'll be livin' in vain_

_And I don't wanna fit wherever_

_I just wanna keep callin' your name_

_Until you come back home_

_I just wanna keep callin' your name_

_Until you come back home…”_

Alec and Magnus sang the final lines together in absolute sync that even Alec was proud of Magnus for putting up with him. Magnus’s eyes watered and the moment the music faded, Magnus closed the gap and ran to Alec who barely had the moments to put the guitar aside and hold his ridiculous, wild, crazy but sweet and cute and loving boyfriend in his arms.

Magnus flung his arms around Alec’s neck and hid his face in the space between Alec’s neck and shoulder inhaling deeply. He nestled himself in Alec’s arms and took in the warmth he missed for so long. Alec felt Magnus was shaking in his arms. Magnus was crying, muffled sobs came out of his mouth and hit Alec’s neck in soft puffs of air. And Alec couldn’t hold back anymore. He pressed his face on Magnus’s shoulder blade, pressing relieved kisses as fresh tears streamed down his cheeks. They were the happiest person in the whole wide world to be in each other’s arms, back again.

 

**165 – Malec took over… eh what?**

“I missed you so much, Alexander… you have no idea how much I missed you… it hurt… it hurt so much to be away from you…” Magnus sniffed and whispered into Alec’s neck. Alec took a deep calming breath.

“Shh… shh… it is okay, babe… it’s all okay now… I’m here…” Alec consoled Magnus stroking the man’s back who was clinging onto him like he never wants to let go.

“Promise me you’ll be here… promise me you wouldn’t leave me…” Magnus suddenly broke out of the hug, “We will talk, Alec… we have to talk… we can’t go on like this… I can’t go on like this… it was torture, Alec… you have no idea how torturous it was… no, I won’t let it happen to us again… we need to talk…” he panicked but Alec only pulled him back in the hug again. This time Magnus laid his head on Alec’s shoulder and gripped him tightly as if he was truly scared.

“Not tonight, Love, not tonight. Tonight I just wanna be with you. Tonight I just want you, with me and nothing else… Tonight I just wanna live with you… and love you… and tell you that it tortured me too… 10 days, Mags… 10 days you were away from me and… I couldn’t breathe, Mags… I couldn’t even breathe properly without you… everything just hurt… our home… I couldn’t live there without you… It was hurting so much… and I missed you… and I couldn’t…” now Alec panicked. Tears wet his face again. Magnus pulled back slightly so he could take Alec’s face in both of his palms. Magnus cupped his face and used his thumbs to wipe away the tears.

“Shh… no more talking, okay? We won’t talk tonight… we can talk later… tomorrow… the day after tomorrow… sooner than later… but someday we will have to talk… just not tonight, okay? Tonight it’ll be just about you and me and our love… can we go home?” Magnus asked shyly.

“You’re asking me?” Alec arched his eyebrows, “As if I have other heads on my shoulder to tell you no!” he quipped, “And if you don’t go with me… I don’t care… I’ll follow you anywhere… My home is wherever you are, Mags… My home is you…” he placed a palm just over Magnus’s heart feeling the erratic thump of it under his palm.

“Such a romantic sap you are.” Magnus laughed silently.

“Says the man who recited a song like a poem…” Alec chuckled and Magnus glared.

“If you’ll make fun of me for that…” Magnus tried to shuffle out of Alec’s hold which only tightened in a vice-like grip.

“Give us a moment… Let’s breathe at least, Mags! You’re already up again to leave me? Seriously?” hurt showed in Alec’s expression. Magnus wilted. He didn’t mean it like that.

“No… jeez no… don’t even think like that… I won’t leave you ever… until and unless you ask me to… I’d rather die than…” Magnus was cut short by Alec’s palm cupping his mouth shutting him up effectively.

“Don’t… Don’t you dare talk like that, okay? I’d die without you, Mags. I… I can’t… I don’t… I don’t think I can… live without you.” Alec whispered softly looking down.

Magnus placed both of his palms on either side of Alec’s temple and slowly moved them down caressing his whole face until his palms were at Alec’s jaws. He slipped his fingers back into Alec’s hair at the neck and used his thumbs to hold Alec’s face, “Look at me, Alec… Look me in the eyes… Alexander…”

Alec’s eyes whipped up to meet Magnus’s at the name, “I love you, okay? Magnus loves Alexander - get that permanently etched in your thick skulled brain. And honestly, I also don’t think I can live without you… shit, I’m so gone for you…” he mumbled. Alec chuckled softly.

“Isn’t that a good thing?” A ghost of a smile was tugging at Alec’s lips.

“Umm… let me think…” Magnus acted. Alec scowled and his expression darkened, “Definitely,” he said smiling softly at Alec and held his head firmly to pull it closer and kissed the frown between Alec’s eyebrows. The skin there felt so soft under his lips that he placed an extra kiss there making Alec smile brightly.

“You’re tall enough to kiss me there… huh!” Alec mocked but still smiled. Magnus shot a light punch at his shoulder before hugging Alec again.

“My home is in your arms, Alec. I’ve finally found you, my home… my destination.” Magnus sniffed again as he whispered those words at Alec’s ear.

“Finally found you?” Alec suddenly asked breaking the hug that caught Magnus by surprise. They were looking deep in each other’s eyes. Alec in deep thought and Magnus confused.

 

Magnus and Alec were in their bubble. They didn’t remember where they were. They didn’t remember the microphone was still there and on. They didn’t understand that the room full of people heard their lovey-dovey confessions. They didn’t see all of them gasping and aweing when Magnus told him ‘I love you’. They didn’t care that hundreds of people were watching them silently, some with tears in their eyes, some with awe and some… well… not that it mattered to any of them. Haters will always hate. Magnus and Alec were just being themselves, happy and totally in love.

 

“They’re not gonna…” Izzy whispered at Jace.

“Don’t think so…” Jace whispered back.

“Damn I was waiting…” Simon whispered with a brilliant smile.

“Shall we wait a bit more?” Clary whispered hopefully.

“Nah… My brother’s a wuss.” Jace whispered.

“They’ll stay like that all night if we don’t do something…” Izzy whispered.

“Who wants to burst the bubble then?” Clary whispered making a sad face.

They all were staring ahead at the podium where an epic love story was in full display and unfolding yet they still continued with their whispered conversation. Only Simon didn’t reply at the end which made all of them to drag their eyes away from the stage and look at their right. Simon was staring awe eyed at ahead.

“I think Si should do it.” Izzy smirked grinning devilishly knowing very well Simon wasn’t listening at all.

“Yeah… I should.” Simon replied absentmindedly.

“Then go ahead my champ.” Jace clapped on his shoulder that brought Simon back to earth.

“What? Go where?” He asked confused, finally looking at them.

“To burst their bubble, you volunteered.” Jace grinned pointing him at the stage.

“What? I did what?” Simon’s eyes whipped back and forth the gang and the stage.

Seeing him all red-faced and flustered the others broke into silent laughter. “Ha, ha, ha… nice joke guys…” Simon grumbled. Izzy and Jace exchanged a look before they walked to the podium.

 

“Hey… you two…” Izzy nudged at Alec’s side as he and Magnus were still gazing into each other’s eyes, “Welcome back to earth…” she smiled sweetly.

Alec and Magnus were actually pulled back to earth by Izzy. They were so lost in each other that Alec didn’t even remember Izzy and Jace. He blushed in bright red as they took in the surrounding. Then suddenly someone from the guests started clapping. They all looked up to see a woman who they didn’t recognize. And then one by one everyone started clapping and cheering for them. Alec looked beside him and Magnus was grinning brightly. He smiled automatically. They had their arms crossed at their backs holding each other by their side. Magnus looked at him with a soft gaze whom Alec returned with the same look.

“I wouldn’t interrupt you otherwise but it seemed you two weren’t going to kiss that I’m very sure everybody here was waiting for patiently. I’m glad you two got each other but we’re still at a wedding party which really needs to focus on the people who got married.” Izzy said smirking making both Magnus and Alec a pure blushing mess. They had actually forgotten it all.

“I absolutely forgot that…” Alec was shocked at himself. Jace and Izzy chuckled.

“We just did all this at my best friends’ wedding party.” Magnus was mortified, “We trashed my best friends’ wedding party… some friend I am.” He chastised himself to what Alec only laughed.

“I have an announcement to make,” Alec said suddenly but didn’t let go of Magnus. Jace gave him the microphone from the stand.

“What are you gonna say?” Magnus asked, a little bit worried. Alec only smiled at him and limped a few steps forward on the podium. Magnus held him tight and steady. Alec was thankful for that. After a devastating and strenuous evening like that, his legs were finally affected. He barely felt senses on his injured one. His liquid luck was dangerously and rapidly fading out. But he didn’t say anything. He was happy to have Magnus and his siblings. But he knew there’s more he needed to do that night.

“Hello everyone,” Magnus was in Alec’s right side so he held the microphone with his left, “I’m really sorry for the mess I put you through all tonight. All of you came to celebrate the holy union of Catarina and Ragnor in matrimony and you fell into my stupid drama. I’m really sorry as it was really uncalled for. It wasn’t supposed to happen here or tonight. But I have to pay my heartiest gratitude to my lovely lady Catarina who went behind everyone, risked the wrath of her best friend and did something that nobody would do that easily – at least not for me – give me the much-needed kick in the ass. Thank you, Cat.” Alec gazed at Cat who was wiping her eyes and chuckled mouthing something like ‘You are an ass’. Magnus chuckled softly from his side.

“I’m sorry I used your wedding party as a chance for me to do some right with my life. And thanks for helping me into this. Thanks for giving me the obvious push I needed. But…” Alec smiled like he’s got more secrets, “…the night is not over yet. And I’ve already managed to ruin your day. So I think it’s only fair I do something for you. Trust me, here also I’m thinking of my benefit… but I promise this will be a good one. With all your permission, in honor to finally getting my family and my love back in my life…” his eyes slightly moved to Michael, Lydia and Madzie who all were watching him wide-eyed and went back to Catarina, “Let’s celebrate and let me do more…” he smiled.

Magnus looked at him with a look of what-are-you-up-to-now. Jace and Izzy also had the same sort of look. Only Alec smiled brighter.

 

**166 – Finally found you**

“Jace… get Si…” Alec said suddenly turning back and waved at Matt. Magnus was still beside him. Alec turned to Jace and stared at him. Jace looked a bit surprised but didn’t move like he was asked. “Jace, will you please get Simon for me?” he asked again. Jace finally broke out of his trance that seemed to have caught up with Izzy too. But Jace didn’t need to go far as he saw Simon and Clary were coming to the front. Jace only waved them to get on the stage.

When they all gathered on stage, Alec gave Simon and Jace two guitars. “What is this?” Jace asked looking at the guitar.

“It’s my guitar. You are going to play this.” Alec looked affronted and turned to Simon giving him the other guitar, “Si… I know you sing and play too. I know how you must’ve charmed my sister… Weird that I think I have played a big role in that…” Izzy was actually shocked and Simon gave a nervous laugh, “You two are my bandmates tonight.”

“Bandmates?”

“I told you about Izzy…”

Jace and Simon yelped at the same moment.

“What? How do you know?” Izzy asked Alec, surprised.

“Si once showed me your picture. I knew he was head over heels for you. He made me sit and listen to the songs he used to write for you and I used to help him with lyrics. So hopefully he kept that idea and proposed you with a song?” Alec arched an eyebrow and an eye-roll. Simon and Izzy blushed.

“You both call him Si… except me. Can I call you Si, Simon?” Jace asked suddenly.

“Yeah, why not… Clary, call me Si too.” Simon grumbled and everybody laughed.

“We’re ready Alec,” Matt suddenly came forward.

“Ready? I didn’t even tell you…”

“You really think I couldn’t guess? ‘Finally found you’? Your reaction was enough Alec.” Matt looked at everyone and nodded in acknowledgment.

“My reaction… wait… how did you know what I said?” Alec looked conspired.

“Alec, mate, I know you like being oblivious but the microphone in front of you was on, you know. Everybody here heard what you two were whispering to each other.” Matt kept a straight face.

Alec and Magnus looked shocked. Jace barely managed to stifle his laugh between the snorts and grunts. Izzy and Clary turned their backs. Simon grinned openly.

“Jesus Christ…” Magnus cursed hiding his face behind Alec who was red by blushing and stuttering to find some coherent reply.

“Okay… enough… play it then…” Alec muttered to Matt trying to change the topic. Simon and Jace got ready without saying anything. Izzy and Clary went off the stage to stand with Catarina, Ragnor, Michael and others. Alec saw Michael hugging the girls before introducing everyone. They all looked happy with big smiles.

Magnus tried to get out of Alec’s hold that caught the latter’s attention, “And where do you think you’re going?”

“Umm… In case you’re forgetting… I can’t sing, Alexander… what am I gonna do here? You boys do your thing. I’ll be there with others.” Magnus pointed toward the group of their friends and family in general.

“You’re not going anywhere. I don’t care if you can sing or not. You’ll be here, with me, get that? You’re won’t leave me at all.” Alec grumbled and shouldered his guitar. Magnus smiled at Alec. He stood at the back. Alec allowed that.

 

“So as I said before… I do wanna do more. Cat asked me to be here as a singer to sing their first dance song. And I was supposed to leave after that until I found out that she did do everything to give me a chance… a risk she repeatedly begged me to take. And thanks to her, I was able to take the risk… man up and now…” Alec just shrugged and smiled at Cat.

“Now my brother here Jace… can sing and play… I just found out tonight along with you all…” Alec placed an arm around Jace’s shoulder pulling him close, “And… this is my other brother… with whom I’ve worked with so many years… and have known that he’s in love with my sister… I know it’ll sound clichéd… especially coming from me but… welcome to the most dysfunctional family ever, Si.” He placed the other arm on Simon’s shoulder who smiled looking down, definitely a happy smile, “And Si here is a singer too… So, the three of us will sing for you tonight… the live band Cat wanted…” he looked at Cat again who smiled like she’s got more than she wanted.

Alec turned back to give Matt a cue. Once the music started, Jace and Simon started playing their guitars and Alec started singing that shocked Magnus right out of his shell. And Alec’s happy infectious singing got everyone. People started to dance slowly. Magnus listened to the lyrics intently and was mesmerized seeing Simon and Jace dueling with guitars in between.

_“You know I'm gon' get ya, yeah_

_Whatever it takes to get there_

_No, I won't drop you_

_Like everybody else does_

_Forget about your friends they don't care where we go_

_If they do, we'll get lost in a crowd of people_

_I've been looking for you forever baby we go_

_Together baby we go, we go_

_In this crazy world of choices I've only got a few_

_Either you're coming with me, or I'm coming with you_

_'Cause I finally found, I finally found you…”_

Alec was holding the microphone on the stand and leaning on it. His expression radiated his happiness.

His body was moving with the beats of the song. His smiles mostly zoned on the people starting to enjoy the music but he suddenly moved his hand at the back without looking and did a gesture that Magnus understood really well. He took the hand and Alec pulled him by his side making him also dance with him. Alec’s happiness affected everyone in the room. And Magnus knew that the man was really happy and it was all because he was standing right beside him, just like Magnus himself was happy to have Alec by him.

Alec suddenly turned to Magnus and their eyes locked, their hands entwined with each other.

_“You never have to worry if what I say is true_

_Boy, I've been looking for you_

_And when I saw you I knew, that I finally found_

_I finally found you…”_

Alec’s voice rose, his smiles brighter and Magnus’s happiness uncontainable. They barely noticed people around them enjoying as well. More than a wedding party, they all were celebrating love and union. Magnus understood when and why Alec chose the song – it was always about the lyrics.

Alec took a pause while Jace and Simon played like true band boys, shaking their heads and all swag. Then Alec started again, not letting go of Magnus’s hand.

_“I'm coming I'll get ya, yeah_

_We have a connection, that's right_

_'Cause boy I'm not letting go_

_I'm gonna make you feel right, oh yea_

_Forget about your friends they don't care where we go_

_If they do, we'll get lost in a crowd of people_

_I've been looking for you forever baby we go_

_Together baby we go, we go_

_In this crazy world of choices I've only got a few_

_Either you're coming with me, or I'm coming with you_

_'Cause I finally found, I finally found you_

_You never have to worry if what I say is true_

_Boy, I've been looking for you_

_And when I saw you I knew that I finally found_

_I finally found you…”_

Alec finished and started dancing with Magnus again. Magnus adored at the spontaneous and careless movements of Alec. He laughed when Alec gathered him closer again, being all down to shameless, resting their foreheads together and breathing the same air. They didn’t notice when Izzy got up on stage and took the microphone away. Simon kept playing and all of sudden Alec and Magnus turned to look astonished.

Next part of the song was rap and Alec wasn’t sure how to do that. He hadn’t rapped in a long time. But that wasn’t stopping Jace and Izzy. They took turns and rapped like pros and Alec couldn’t stop staring at his siblings with his jaw dropped. And then Alec finished the song by joining his siblings, singing the outro. Magnus, Clary and Madzie were dancing and clapping like crazy. The guests also gave them a huge round of applause before Cat and Ragnor got to the stage.

 

“Thank you, everyone, for joining us tonight, be our friends and family on this occasion. We are proud to have you all here. And I’m more than happy that my best friend has finally found his one true love. I wish Alec and Magnus all the very best for their future but… right now I need them to dance with me. So, I’ll request the DJ to take over the show and give Alec a bit of rest. I know he needs it. Enjoy the party everyone and thanks again.” Cat and Ragnor gave a small speech to their guests and Matt took over the party playing happy and dance numbers one after another as the night drew closer.

They all danced to their heart’s content though Alec had to take a seat. Michael joined him after some time. Both were breathless but happy. They didn’t say anything to each other but also they didn’t need to. Alec knew Michael was happy for him. Michael knew Alec knew that. After all, it was happy night – a night to remember forever.

 

**167 – About the talk**

The rest of the night was bliss.

Magnus was himself after a long time.

Alec was himself after a really long time.

Jace and Izzy were happy after a long time.

And to top it all, Cat and Ragnor were happy too… with the party.

They all danced and enjoyed the food. They all couldn’t sit in one table so Izzy managed that. She got people to get two tables joined and arranged so they all could sit together. Michael, Lydia and Madzie joined them at the table too.

 

The food was great. Everybody enjoyed Alec’s wine selection except Alec because it brought bad memories. Knowing Alec’s tenacity Magnus didn’t press when Alec refused to drink any sort of wine. The table was full of laughter and smiles and everything felt good, okay.

Magnus was silent as he watched Alec being animated with Simon and Jace. They spurred so easily, falling into conversations and avoiding getting serious at the same time. And all the while Alec had held his hand under the table, never letting go. Magnus loved the feeling those small gestures bloomed into his heart. He was sitting between Alec and Catarina but Madzie was on the opposite of him at the table. Throughout the whole dinner, she kept sending knowing looks to him. Magnus knew she was just being happy for her uncle Al.

“Oh, we had met before that day. That’s why I recognized him in the alley that night.” Clary’s voice brought Magnus out of his head. The table went silent for a few seconds that was broken by Jace’s confused question, “What?” Magnus felt Alec tensing beside him slightly gripping his hand tighter. He looked at Alec who was staring at Jace and Clary.

“Where did you meet Alec before?” Jace asked Clary.

“Oh, how did you forget? At the art club,” Clary looked up at Jace beside her, “We both were getting out when we bumped into each other. Like a gentleman, he wanted to give me a lift but then you were coming to pick me up so I told him that. We waited at the front gate until you came. You probably didn’t see him but I’m sure he saw you… he was right near the gate. You saw him, right, Alec?” she looked at Alec who managed to give an affirming nod.

“Why? Why didn’t you? Why…” Jace whine incredulously. He remembered Clary saying the same in the hospital that night. His expression betrayed him showing how much hurt he was.

Alec sighed, hanging his head low. It wasn’t something for light dinner discussion and Magnus understood that. He tried to step in for his boyfriend but Alec stopped him. Magnus wondered seeing Alec was taking matters into his own hands now.

“You know why, Jace. You know why I didn’t come to you. You know why I didn’t say anything to Simon when he told me about Izzy. You know it. Izzy knows it. And honestly, I don’t wanna reiterate those words here. If you still want me to answer that, I’ll give you that… just not tonight, not here.” There was a hint of finality in Alec’s voice that Jace respected. After a quick glance around the table which had suddenly gone silent but also suddenly perked up everybody talking to everyone, trying to ease away the awkwardness, Jace leaned back on his chair and sighed. He didn’t need that answer. And he wasn’t going to behave like a prat. Alec sighed too seeing Jace slowly forming a smile. Magnus gave Alec’s hand a reassuring squeeze.

 

Rest of the dinner was as calm as possible. Alec was still agitated but Magnus calmed him. After the dinner guests slowly filled the open terrace again where the after party was about to begin. Magnus had left Alec with his family and gone to the bar to fetch something for him and Alec when Raphael came to him.

“Thanks for making it all easier for me. It took almost 9 months but I can never be too glad for having Alec back.” Raphael spoke quickly.

Magnus did a double take and stared at Raphael blankly who belatedly realized Magnus had no idea what he was talking about, “Oh… so you don’t know yet. Alec hasn’t told you. Well, I didn’t think it was a surprise but just pretend to be surprised if he… you know…” Raphael shuffled.

“What? What are you talking about? What surprise? 9 months… what…”

“Umm… earlier tonight I talked to Alec and he confirmed to come back to Pandemonium and take over his job. He’s coming back to save my bar and I’m so fucking happy that he finally said yes. It was getting harder to replace him.”

“Wait… you mean… Alec decided to go back to work?” Magnus didn’t know if he should be happy or worried. But he decided to be happy. If Alec decided it then it must make Alec happy. And he was going to be happy for Alec and support him. “That’s great. I’m sure Pandemonium missed him a lot.”

“Fucking hell we did,” Raphael muttered and both the friends fell into an easy laugh. Magnus found that he could be happy once Alec goes back to work. A man needs to work, not for self-respect but also for self-satisfaction. And an independent man like Alec wouldn’t like to twiddle his thumbs sitting at home at all, now that his life was taking a definite upside. He smiled to himself. It definitely was good news.

 

Magnus was a bit shocked when he saw Alec nursing a glass of bourbon. He had no idea since when the man who wouldn’t drink at all started drinking hard drinks.

“You’re drinking,” He stated the obvious when the after party was in full swing. Everybody was dancing and drinking and enjoying the cool autumn night on the terrace.

“Had to start someday…” Alec joked.

“Why?” Magnus tried to ask as softly as possible and not pressure Alec. He carded through Alec’s soft hair just to lighten the mood.

“You,” was Alec’s answer. Magnus gazed at him weirdly. “The unbearable pain you left… I guess… I just gave in.”

“So you started drinking for me? After all these time… after everything… you gave in for me? Now…” Magnus wanted to just confirm.

“Not exactly for you,” Alec pulled Magnus closer who was standing all along. He left the glass and put his arms around Magnus’s waist pulling the man between his legs and resting his head on Magnus’s chest. Reluctantly Magnus placed his arms around Alec’s shoulder and cradled his head. A vague memory came into his mind which was quite blurry. He couldn’t remember exactly.

“Some heartbreaks do things to you, you know. You leaving me… shutting me out… was one of them. There was a time when I was used to drinking… my wild teenage days…” Alec gave a croaking laugh, “When I was on streets… I saw many people… what drinking and addiction did to them… I was broke beyond… hardly used to get one meal a day… couldn’t afford to drink anymore… so I kinda promised myself I wouldn’t touch alcohol ever… It was tough but it worked out when I got a job in a bar… And I was able to not drink again… I was more determined, more focused to get my life straightened than all that… it worked in Pandemonium too… until…”

“Shh… don’t… I…” Magnus’s voice broke. They never talked that much before. So he didn’t know what he could say to soothe Alec. But his inside was burning in new found rage. Even though it was all in the past, was it exactly all in the past, Magnus asked to himself. Will they ever be able to overcome that past, those ugly truths? With a shuddering feeling, Magnus realized he was ready to cross any hills and bridges for Alec. Having a relationship is about, trusting each other, having faith and effort. And he was all for effort.

“Last few days… I had no idea what I was doing… and how long I could hold myself back… there were moments when I just wanted to give up… just be done with it… but you… the faintest hope kept me going on… I couldn’t do it without having talked to you one last time… and that’s why I came here today… to talk to you… one last time… and I needed my liquid luck… Bourbon and I have been old friends…” Alec smiled weirdly that tugged at Magnus’s heart painfully. He shook his head and breathed deeply before looking down at Alec who was gazing at him hopefully, “You’re thinking what I’m thinking, right? That night at the club when you were drunk and you wouldn’t let me go… You held me… like right now…” he giggled and Magnus finally remembered the night that brought Alec to his loft for the first time. The night started a lot of things.

“Can we go home now?” Magnus asked cheerfully, stroking Alec’s cheeks.

“I have one last thing to do.” Alec grinned suddenly and stood up.

“What? No…” Magnus protested when Alec dragged him along by his hand, “Alec… Babe… you’re drunk…”

“I’m not…” Alec smiled over his shoulder turning to look at Magnus and their joined hands.

 

**168 – A thousand years**

“Gather around please everyone…” Alec was on the stage again and Magnus gave panicked looks at his family – Alec’s family was his family too, he already accepted Jace and Izzy as his siblings at the hospital. People slowly gathered around at the front which was practically led by Jace and Izzy. They matched Magnus’s worried looks.

“I’ve got the green signal from the happy couple of the night and again they’ve given me the blessing to do this and so here I am, on this stage again… for the final song of the night. Congratulations to Catarina and Ragnor again and I wish them all the best for their future as well. The floor is yours Cat, Ragnor…” he smiled and Matt gave him his guitar again. Alec settled on his chair and Magnus stood beside him, watching intently.

Alec started with a slow strum to what Ragnor led Cat to the dance floor again. People cleared space for them as they fell into another slow, cozy dance in the rhythm of Alec’s guitar.

_“The day we met_

_Frozen I held my breath_

_Right from the start_

_I knew that I'd found a home for my heart_

_Beats fast_

_Colors and promises_

_How to be brave?_

_How can I love when I'm afraid to fall_

_But watching you stand alone?_

_All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow_

_One step closer…”_

Alec sang softly, eyes closed and swaying gently with the rhythm. Magnus though had tears in his eyes. Belatedly he realized; every song Alec sang that night, including the one for Jace and Izzy, all had some meaning to a larger emotional attachment and explanation. Alec was a man for lyrics. He gently laid a hand on Alec’s shoulder not wanting to disturb or interrupt the spell that the man was creating with his music.

Alec slightly peeked at Magnus with a dazzling smile.

_“I have died every day waiting for you_

_Darling don't be afraid I have loved you_

_For a thousand years_

_I'll love you for a thousand more…”_

Alec let his guitar go on before the next lines.

_“Time stands still/ Beauty in all she is_

_I will be brave_

_I will not let anything take away_

_What's standing in front of me_

_Every breath_

_Every hour has come to this_

_One step closer_

_I have died every day waiting for you_

_Darling don't be afraid I have loved you_

_For a thousand years_

_I'll love you for a thousand more_

_And all along I believed I would find you_

_Time has brought your heart to me_

_I have loved you for a thousand years_

_I'll love you for a thousand more_

_I'll love you for a thousand more…”_

Magnus knew this song was for a woman, another famous wedding song. He knew Alec sang it for Ragnor and Catarina. But he also knew if Alec could, he’d sing that song for him too. Alec’s bright, sparkling, shining hazel eyes told him he wasn’t wrong. In one way or other, Alec did sing that song for him.

The night had come to an end with Alec’s song that created a spell on everyone that left people mesmerized. Soon after that one by one, the guests started to say their goodbyes and their good wishes for the final time of the night. Catarina and Ragnor were supposed to leave later so nobody waited to see them off except the friends and family.

 

It was Matt’s turn to say goodbye as they met at the front door. Alec gave him a swift hug which was returned with some sassy banter. The whole time Alec didn’t let Magnus go anywhere.

“So I was hoping if you’d come back to recording again maybe,” Matt suggested suddenly that caught Alec on the off foot.

“Are you sure you want me back?” Alec cocked an eyebrow.

“After tonight you still have doubt?” Matt gave him a pointed look, “Do you have any idea how many people asked me tonight if you’ll do more shows? They literally thought I was your manager or something and asked me contacts for bookings and all…” he exasperated.

Alec and Magnus exchanged a look. Now that’s something none of them expected at all, especially not after the drama that happened throughout. Matt sighed and held Alec’s hand in a shake, “Not that I’d be glad to be your manager if you ever wanna be pro someday but for now I’d really love to have you back in my studio. Come on, Alec, our old deal worked great. I’m still okay with that deal unless you have something else on your mind. But trust me; it’ll work, like before.” He tried to pursue to his best ability.

“You know what, Matt… even if you hadn’t offered this, I would’ve contacted you anyway. I guess it’s time for me to get back in track. I’m ready to do this. For now, I’d like to carry on with our old deal if that’s okay with you.” Alec replied smartly taking both Matt and Magnus in surprise. But they both expressed their happiness once they get over the initial shock. Magnus hugged and congratulated him while Matt only just shook hands.

“Call me later and we will arrange a meeting. See ya soon.” Matt gave him a smile and was gone shortly after. Alec and Magnus hugged again.

 

“Raph told me about going back to Pandemonium. I’m glad you’re accepting your old jobs. Maybe it really is time to go back into our lives and actually make it work this time.” Magnus said still being held in Alec’s arms, flushed close to his body.

“Hmm… I’m glad Raphael told you. And yes, I think it’s time for me to move on. I’m thinking about going to Archery range too. I liked teaching kids there.” Magnus hummed in reply while hugging Alec. They breathed in each other’s smell that calmed them rapidly and happily.

“That’s a good idea. But don’t you think it is gonna too much? I mean we need time too right…” Magnus blushed trying to mean something through that.

Alec gazed at him but laughed as he understood the meaning, “I don’t think so. Recordings will be really irregular and daytime works. Archery is mostly like 3-4 days a week for a couple of hours. I will always be able to pick you up from work if you finish by then and go to the club. And if Raphael makes me stay late at night… I’m sure you two can sort it out without me…” he cocked his head making Magnus smile and bite his lip to not laugh out loud.

“Okay… that sounds good. We can talk about it later. I’m sure we will work it out.” Magnus reassured himself more than Alec who was just happy that Magnus understood him.

 

They were all gathered in the hall and the Waylands had just left. Magnus and Alec were again lost in their whispers. They stood side by side; Magnus helped Alec by holding him by his waist.

“Mr. and Mrs. Fell… my heartiest congratulations…” a voice spoke from behind Alec and Magnus as they were in front of Ragnor and Catarina in the circle they were standing. Alec recognized the voice immediately but didn’t move. Magnus looked over Alec’s shoulder to see the incomer and Alec felt Magnus stiffening in his arms. He didn’t understand why. Their eyes met when Alec turned to look at Magnus. There was something in Magnus’s eyes that Alec couldn’t read.

“Mr. James, thank you for being here. It was a great party and I have to say everything was perfect… just like we wanted.” Ragnor stepped closer to shake the man’s hand. Cat was right beside him with smiles.

“Oh no Mr. Fell, it was all Ms. Lightwood. She made it all possible. I had never worked with her before but had heard a lot of praise. And now I know why. I’d love to work with her again.” the man smiled at Izzy who gave a modest smile but didn’t say anything. The man nodded and Alec turned slightly with a smile. Magnus gazed at him worried. “Anyways, I shall take your leave now. Enjoy… good night.” He said and stepped back to leave when suddenly he felt a tug at his wrist. The rest of the group suddenly fell silent.

“You’ll leave without saying goodbye?” Alec said shocking everyone. The man finally turned to him.

“I didn’t know if you wanted to…” he hesitated. Alec let go of Magnus and hugged the man taking everyone by surprise.

“They are my family. They deserve to know. I have no reason to hide anymore.” Alec pulled back from the hug and pulled the man beside him into the circle. “Though I’m a bit surprised, Mr. James?” he arched an eyebrow.

“I took my husband’s name. We use our old surnames as middle names and took each other’s surnames formally.” He smiled shyly.

“Imasu M. James… now that’s something I didn’t see coming.” Alec chuckled.

“I didn’t either…” Imasu smiled back.

“Guys… this is, Imasu. He’s a big part of my old life. I don’t know how much you all know but he was my friend…my umm...” Alec faltered, seeming unsure suddenly.

“It’s okay, Alec. You really don’t have to explain anything. I was a part of your past. And I know we both would want to put that in past and move on. I moved on with my life and I’m happy to see you’re finally getting what you deserve…” Imasu looked at Magnus who was stunned. Magnus remembered their conversation from earlier in the afternoon. With Alec, he had forgotten about Imasu. “You must be Magnus. Finally, a pleasure to meet you.” Imasu offered his hand to Magnus who gingerly took it in a hasty shake. Imasu didn’t mind.

“Umm… you remember Jace and Izzy…” Alec hastily looked at his siblings who were scowling. Imasu gave a laugh.

“Yes, of course, I do. Working with Isabelle was really a great pleasure. Though I hadn’t met Jonathan ever since but I’ve seen him over the news.” Imasu looked at Jace and Izzy who still looked uncomfortable, staring between Imasu and Alec, “To say I was surprised to see them achieving and reestablishing everything and go through the case of… umm, It’s an understatement. From what you’ve been through to what you both have become… if I’m allowed to say this, I’m proud of you both. I’m proud of Alec… to have myself as his friend is a true privilege.” Alec only smiled and hugged him again.

“I know how much you mean to Alec.” They both were interrupted by Magnus speaking to Imasu, “I do. Earlier today when I was trying to find Alec, I found you both talking at the terrace. I’m sorry but I listened to some of it. And I umm… I understand your friendship. I wouldn’t take Alec away from his friends. I have my best friends. I know how much they mean to me. I’d understand if Alec wants to have a friendship with you. I think he’d want that.” He looked at Alec and Imasu who were shocked. Imasu didn’t know how to react. Alec looked unsure again. “I know what I’m saying, Alexander. I’ve heard enough. I know how much impact Imasu has in your life. And I don’t wanna take that away from you.” He was sincere and Alec could see that.

Imasu smiled at Magnus. He was genuinely happy at the offer of being Alec’s friend. Alec looked between Magnus and Imasu and couldn’t believe his luck that he could have it all. He flashed a big happy smile at Imasu but turned to Magnus who gazed at him shyly. Alec didn’t know but he wanted to do something. He pulled Magnus closer, leaned down and captured Magnus’s lips with his. The love and relief poured through both of them into that simple kiss. Alec could finally believe that he wasn’t dreaming. He wouldn’t wake up and nothing would be lost.

 

**169 – A final meeting**

Alec cracked his eyes open, groggily and slowly blinked up at the bland white ceiling of the dark room. He was unable to recognize why he woke up in the middle of the night. A rush of dreams filled his mind. And twitch beside him took those dreams away. The same twitch just proved they weren’t dreams. The same twitch proved they were memories, they all were true. And Alec was allowed to believe them, trust them and be happy with them.

The twitch turned into a groan. Alec’s grim, confused expression turned into a chuckle. He couldn’t feel his left side anymore. But he knew he’d do it every night just to wake up like that.

The groan increased into an incoherent mumble. A fist gripped harder on his side. Alec turned his head to look properly only to get a mouthful of disarray dark brown hair. He felt the cold immediately as the warmth from his left side subsided. The body beside him rolled uncomfortably. With a stun, Alec understood that Magnus was dreaming. By the expression of the half-sleeping groaning man beside him, he assumed that dreams weren’t any good.

Alec pulled Magnus closer to his chest who protested in mumbles. He didn’t care and threw his leg over Magnus’s tangling them together. He just held Magnus and slowly stroked his back and arm that was draped on his torso and buried his face into Magnus’s hair. Magnus sighed and slumped into him falling right back asleep. Alec sighed in relief. He promised he’d never let Magnus sleep alone again or deal with those unseen, untouchable monsters. He’d always hold Magnus close and chase those monsters away. He sang softly in Magnus’s hair that seemed to calm down a latter further.

Alec didn’t realize when he had fallen back to sleep again. He woke up the second time feeling strange. There was no warmth beside him, his arm wasn’t sore, not a mouthful of hair, no strong smell of sandalwood cologne, not a lithe body pressing besides him… nothing. He was in his bed alone again. He jumped up, almost flailing out of the duvet thinking that it was some extended level of a torturous dream he was having that was only designed for him.

But he only fell into two strong arms that held him from falling on the floor. He looked up to be greeted with a dazzling smile. The scent of sandalwood was overpowered with the strong smell of bacon and chocolate. The man in a half-opened night robe and silk shorts sat on the edge of his side of the bed and smiled like it was the most normal way to start a day with.

“Good morning, sunshine.” Magnus smiled and fingered a fringe of hair from his forehead clearing the line of his sight.

“Good morning,” Uncoordinated and still dazed Alec gazed at Magnus. The man in front of him didn’t look like hadn’t been there for the last 10 days. He took in his surroundings. The bed was trashed bearing signs of their exploding desire the night before after they both reached home half-tipsy. Magnus still looked fresh as always. He had an idea how wrecked he must’ve been looking. There was a steaming tray of two assortments of breakfast sat on side table ready to be devoured. But all Alec wanted was to devour Magnus and so he lunged forward tipping his boyfriend on his back. He straddled Magnus’s hips and kissed his man on the lips and then claimed the man by marking his neck in every possible inch.

 

A few hours later, after they were finally done with their morning workouts, late cold breakfast and shower, Alec found himself glancing at the watch and cursing inwardly. Amused, Magnus watched Alec jumping out of the couch and dashing into the bedroom.

“Magnus, can you get ready, please? We have to go somewhere. We’re already late.” Alec called from inside.

Magnus humored him and went inside just to see Alec was fully clothed in his typical black jeans and darkest of blue t-shirt and black jacket. Alec gave him a sharp look and Magnus got ready in casual chino and comfortable light pink cotton shirt.

All the way in cab Alec didn’t say anything but kept a hold on his hand. Magnus could feel Alec was nervous. When they reached their destination, Alec grabbed his hand, got out of the cab and ran inside the building. Magnus didn’t even get to see where they were. But as they ran down the corridor, Magnus realized it was some sort of hospital. Alec still didn’t say anything and ran with Magnus at his toe. Magnus didn’t even get a chance to stop Alec and worry about the injury. They only stopped when they were in front of a closed door. Magnus vaguely noticed nobody stopped them as they rushed inside.

“There’s someone I want you to meet.” Alec finally said in between panting breaths in front of the door.

 “Clearly,” Magnus couldn’t help but sass back, “Thanks for the heads up.” Alec scowled but softened soon. Magnus realized Alec was really nervous about meeting this person. And without knocking or something Alec just opened the door and walked in. Magnus though right behind him didn’t notice Alec stopping abruptly and walked into him. “What the hell, Alec… Move…” he grumbled. But Alec didn’t. He stood stunned.

 

“Alec?”

“What are you doing here?”

Magnus heard the now familiar voices from inside and peered over Alec’s shoulder to see Izzy and Jace inside. There was another man he didn’t recognize and a woman in the bed. Of course, it was a hospital room. But that didn’t explain why Jace and Izzy were there and why the woman in the bed looked so familiar. Then suddenly like a lightning bolt, Magnus realized. He slowly turned to see Alec still standing shocked and pale-faced.

“Alec,” the other man went to them and snapped his fingers in front of Alec that certainly brought him back, “Umm… I tried to call you but you didn’t call back. I messaged too. Didn’t you get anything?”

“I didn’t check my phone. I just hurried here. I was late.” Alec mumbled still staring at the woman on the bed.

“Alec…” Magnus tried to hold his hand but Alec just walked past him toward the bed. Magnus chose to follow him only. The other man followed him after closing the door.

Without saying any word, Alec just sat on the bed beside the woman and took her hand in his. “Alec, what… what are you doing here? How did you find out about her? Why are you here?” Izzy didn’t pause to breathe.

“Mum… they know, mum. There’s no need for this anymore. It’s all good.” Alec coaxed the woman who Magnus finally confirmed as Maryse Lightwood. No wonder she looked just like Izzy and Alec, long black hair and big dark hazel eyes.

Maryse seemed like she was broken out of a trance. She turned to look at Alec and sighed deeply. Her shoulder dropped as she embraced her son, “Oh, Alec, I was waiting for you but they came and I was so scared. We didn’t talk about this and Ollie just got them inside and I didn’t know if you were coming or not or… and they just started telling me about you being alive and meeting you and I just didn’t know what to think… what to do… I’m so sorry, Alec… I’m so sorry…” words seem to tumble out of her and with every word and every gesture Izzy and Jace looked paler and if not angrier.

“What the hell…” Jace spluttered suddenly making both Alec and Maryse cringe at the tone. Magnus didn’t know what to feel either. He just stood back, his thoughts jumbled in his head.

Maryse and Alec looked at each other helplessly and then both at the man beside Magnus who suddenly spoke “Don’t give me those puppy eyes now. I told you we’re all gonna get in trouble someday. It was your idea and it’s your fault you didn’t see your phone. Now if they sue me, you’re going to save my ass, Lawyer Lightwood.” There was a hint of familiarity and softness in his tone.

“Ollie, please don’t be like that.” Maryse said softly still in the embrace of Alec who looked downright guilty.

“Mum… just… guys…” Alec started to breathe rapidly. Ollie went to Alec.

“Alec… Look at me… breathe buddy… breathe with me… in-hold-out… come on… you know the drill… breathe…” Ollie kept saying and Alec was somewhat trying to follow. Maryse gazed at her son, worried. Jace, Izzy and Magnus were just scowling.

“Okay… I’m okay… can we sit on the floor… all of us…” Alec offered and helped Maryse to the big window. They both sat there on the floor and stared at the rest of them. Ollie didn’t hesitate but just sat beside Maryse. Others slowly followed.

 

**170 – And the final confession**

“Alec, what is happening here? Will you say something at least?” Jace asked.

“I… I’m…” Alec stuttered. He couldn’t meet anyone’s eyes. Maryse only reached to hold his hand that was shaking badly as if to say, ‘Let me.’ Alec nodded.

“It wasn’t Alec’s fault. He did it because I asked him to.” Maryse pointed glare at Ollie who visibly wilted. “As for me doing what I did all these years… I’m not sure if I can explain it all but it was something I had to do… to save me and to save both of you. Robert wouldn’t let you two have a proper life if I was there to influence you. He needed me gone so he took the first chance and made me gone.” She paused to breathe. Alec looked like he wanted the ground to open up and swallow him.

“Alec,” she turned to her son and took his hands into hers. Alec looked down but Maryse kept her eyes on him, “If I could, honey, I would’ve done anything to protect you. I just want you to know that I wouldn’t ever hate you for who you are because I always knew. I started noticing since you wouldn’t play football in school because you were scared to shower in the locker room. But I became sure since took over the role of protector for Jace. You were uncomfortable. Every night was torture for you to sleep with him. You felt uncomfortable in your own skin. It was conflicting to you but you still did it because you loved him as a brother. Robert took that advantage. What I could see… he could see too. He saw how far you’d go for your siblings. And you started listening to him. That’s when you started to wrong yourself.”

She paused. Alec still wouldn’t look at anyone. Magnus could see tears dropping from his eyes to his shirt. Jace and Izzy sat bewildered. “And I wished you would’ve just come to me or I could’ve helped you sooner… tell you that it wasn’t wrong… what you felt wasn’t wrong… that you don’t have to try to please him for anything and everything. But you know what son? I was proud of you. He tortured you every day but you didn’t let go… you didn’t give up on yourself. And when it came to saving others, you just did it… you didn’t care about anything. What I couldn’t do for my own children, you did it for your siblings. I am proud of you, Alec, I am proud that I’m your mother. You are a true Lightwood that he never ever could be.” Maryse slowly stroked Alec’s cheek making his look at her.

“I failed, mum. I couldn’t protect Max… I couldn’t save Max… he died for me…” Alec finally cried and broke down. He laid his forehead on his and Maryse’s joined hands. Jace and Izzy still sat shocked but with glazed eyes. Magnus was already in tears. He didn’t know what he was expecting to hear but it still hurt. And the rage flamed again. The rage to burn Robert Lightwood alive came back again.

“I guess that is the only guilt that weighed both of us equally but differently. But it was never on you, Alec. You almost died that night. You ran into the fire to get him out. You didn’t listen to the firemen. You almost suffocated to death. You… you were gone… for more than 9 minutes… if they couldn’t resuscitate you… you…” Maryse gulped. She was breathing hardly that matched Alec’s.

“You don’t talk about it. You never told anyone about it. You just forgot about it. But I couldn’t… I couldn’t forget that not only I lost Max that night but also I almost lost you too. You inhaled so much smoke that you had a lung infection. And then I had to ask you to leave. Robert was still planning to kill you. I just didn’t know how to save you without endangering Izzy and Jace. And the next morning you were just… gone. You didn’t even say goodbye and I blamed myself. And then you… Robert said you… and I… I just didn’t… I couldn’t… Alec…” Her eyes filled with tears that spilled slowly, “I’m so sorry, Alec… I’m sorry for everything… everything you had to endure for me… I wronged you… I shouldn’t have abandoned you… you were my son and I asked you to leave. I never thought I won’t be able to bring you back. I didn’t know I’d lose you forever… I thought… I thought you d-…”

Maryse broke down. Alec gathered her in his arms. Magnus felt his breath faltering. He remembered once Michael told him about Alec’s lung infection is an old one. Alec told him about inhaling smoke while trying to save Max. But he never knew Alec had died for a while. His heart did stop working. Alec left his home shortly after that. Michael had told him about when Alec had left the home he hadn’t fully recovered. Magnus only never understood the depth of it all until now. And it scared him. Alec being in coma for all those days due to having bad heart… all of it made sense now, why Alec had DNR and no emergency contact, why he took precautions all the time.

“Mum, mum, mum… shh, shh, it’s okay, it’s okay, mum. I’m here. I’m not dead. I’m right here. Come on, look at me. Look at me, mum… see, I’m here… I’m with you… I’m alive…” Alec was in full blown tears but held his mother close, hugging her close to strangling but Maryse didn’t protest. She rather looked happy and relieved in Alec’s arms.

 

“Max was gone. You were gone. I tried to stand up for Izzy and Jace, Alec. I tried to be there for them. But Robert… he wouldn’t… he was scared if I talk to them, I’d tell them about you and he… his game would be over. So he put me in that hell hole. Alec, I had no idea of the outside world there. They didn’t physically torture me but they gave me medicines. I tried to avoid them as much as possible. And then one day suddenly Izzy and Jace came… they took me here. I saw the sun for the first time in years, Alec. I didn’t know what to believe anymore.” Maryse looked at Alec helplessly who had his eyes shut close. Alec knew he won’t be able to see the look on her face.

“They used to come regularly. They’d talk to me. But they never told me about you or Max. I wanted to know about you. I never believed you really were dead, Alec. I just hoped… I couldn’t… believe it… but they never talked about you. I didn’t want to talk to them. I couldn’t talk to them. What would I’ve told them? That I abandoned them? That I let you die? That I destroyed everything by myself? That I failed my own children? That I was unable to protect my own kids? I was ashamed of myself, Alec. My only redemption was you. They had already learned to live without me but I didn’t learn to live without you all. So I just couldn’t talk to them. I was scared, Alec… I was scared they wouldn’t understand me. I was scared they wouldn’t forgive me…” Maryse was hysteric.

Izzy turned away. She couldn’t listen anymore. It was too much. She sought comfort in Jace’s embrace. Jace was probably in shock. His face was emotionless, tear-less. He turned to look at Magnus who had no idea what to do. Magnus just let Jace lean onto him. He held the siblings and looked up at Alec who was holding Maryse. They just stared at each other with helpless eyes. They didn’t know what to do, or if there was anything to do. Magnus stretched his free hand to Alec who took it gratefully. They just sat like that until everybody had calmed down which seemed like a long time. The silence in the room was deafening.

It was Jace who broke the silence first, “How did you find this place, Alec? How did you find mom?”

“I…” Alec faltered and gave Magnus a look that the latter couldn’t decipher, “I…” he breathed, “The Saturday before last, I went to see Dad.”

4 sets of eyes shot up at him. All of them had the same expression, incredulous, unbelief, shock, questions and more. Alec looked away, “I went to meet him because I needed closure. I needed to have one last talk with him. And also when you all were in the hospital when I was in coma, mum was never there. Nobody talked about her. Nobody mentioned her. She never came to meet me or find me. I needed to know if she was avoiding me if her last words were true or something happened. I was worried since I realized my deal with him didn’t protect her. It was for you two only. I was worried he did something to her. I needed to know.”

“Why didn’t you come back to us?” Jace was frowning.

 

**171 – Sorting through life**

“I was dead, Jace… why don’t you understand that I was dead? You believed for more than a decade that I was dead. Mum believed it till I came here. Every one of you knew me as dead. How do you expect me to just come back and meet you? What would I say? That hey, I’m not dead anymore?” Alec suddenly blasted. But his voice didn’t rise. Only his tone was deathly cold. Even Magnus got scared by the sudden outburst. They all looked at him shocked and wide-eyed. Jace looked like Alec had slapped him without even touching him.

“Or tell you that the man you both trusted for so long and grew up having as the father is the man who tried to kill me? What do you think would’ve happened if I just suddenly came back from dead? Do you really think you’d be behaving like you’re doing now? You’d be this much accepting… considering… willing to listen? It isn’t that easy, Jace… it really isn’t. Saying is… but doing it actually isn’t. I had no idea how you’d react. So tell me if I was wrong to assume the worst.” Alec calmed down visibly and finally paused to breathe.

“Why didn’t you come back after his arrest then? Why carry on with this drama even after that? Did you really think we didn’t miss you?” Jace barked back.

“Exactly my point, Jace, you missed me. Because you knew I was dead. You couldn’t bring me back from dead. So you missed me… mourned me. You wouldn’t be as happy as now if I had come back then. You’d be angry with me. You’d think I abandoned you… think I left you like a coward. You’d be angry with me, Jace, accept it. You still are angry with me. That feeling wouldn’t change… You’re bound to feel that, the frustration, the anger… and trust me, I understand… I do. I always wished I could’ve done anything differently that we didn’t have to end up here. And I am sorry for that. I am sorry for leaving you both… not being there for you… not being the brother I should’ve been.” Alec’s eyes were scary red. But he wasn’t crying anymore. They all understood that Alec needed to say it out loud. That was a part of his insecurity he needed to get off of his chest. And Magnus was proud of Alec for being able to say it.

“And for mom… why didn’t you come to us for mom? You knew about us then… You knew we were at the hospital. You knew we want you back. Then why… why go to him?” It was Izzy. Maryse suddenly looked at Alec as if she wanted the answer too. Hell even Magnus wanted to know that. And then he finally realized it was that Saturday, the day after Magnus left.

Alec sighed. “I couldn’t… I couldn’t stand in front of you and find out that she suffered or worse that she’s… because of me… I wouldn’t be able to bear that. So I went to see him. It was so easy to make him talk. And he told me what he did to her. I found out she was put here as a resident. I came to see the extent of my damage, of my naivety, of my unstructured deal… and she just… recognized me. I didn’t believe it at first. She contradicted to everything I had heard from dad and Ollie. But then she started to talk to me. Ollie started to help me and her both. I know I never wanted to get help…” Alec peeked at Magnus who remembered their weird fight about seeking medical help, “But I decided to do it for mum, for Magnus. I knew I needed to move on.”

 

Everyone was quiet after that. Magnus was thinking about what else Alec did those days when he wasn’t there. They were lost in their thoughts. Alec looked like he was bone tired like he could lie down and sleep for days.

Magnus was sure it was a lot for all of them and they’d need time to process everything and accept them. But he was really happy to see Maryse alright. He was happy that Alec found his family, his siblings and his mother. And he was happy to have Alec. After all, Alec and his love were all he ever needed. He knew he’d help and support Alec through anything and everything now that he had finally opened himself and accepting things.

“You do understand that he would get out of jail someday?” Jace muttered slowly with a deep sigh, “I’m just glad that we all are together now. We won’t let him destroy us again whenever he comes out.”

“He wouldn’t come out, Jace.” Alec’s voice suddenly caught everyone’s attention, “I made sure of that. He’s never coming out. He’s never seeing the sun again.”

“What… what did you do?” Magnus asked worriedly though he wasn’t sure what he was worried about.

Alec smirked for the first time since they had entered the room. His lips twitched in a smile, “I plead for lifetime guilty. I’m a lawyer. His confession was all I needed as evidence for what he did to mum. It was easy. I just got the confirmation yesterday. He’s never coming out. He’s gone forever.”

Slowly a smile lightened Maryse’s face. Along with her, Jace and Izzy also showed genuine smiles. And Magnus felt his rage tamed for the first time ever since his parents’ death. His rage about Robert wasn’t something to go away with just a life imprisonment sentence. He still wanted to do some harm with his own hands. But he was happy, for Alec and everyone else. He was happy that everyone got their closure. And somehow he got closure too.

 

“So this is Magnus you told me about? The Banes’ son,” Maryse suddenly looked up from Alec’s arms.

“Yes, mum, that’s Magnus. The man I love.” Alec smiled shyly, “I promised I’d bring him here so you could meet.” He turned to Magnus, “This is my mum, Magnus.”

Magnus smiled seeing Alec’s expression. It sounded really weird, an introduction after witnessing the whole confession fiasco. Alec managed to give a shy embarrassed smile.

“You have a choice, Alec… I always knew it. But I have to say… you have a fine taste.” Maryse smirked, making Jace, Izzy and Ollie laugh out loud and Alec and Magnus blushed crazily.

“Now that we are discussing so much, can we discuss one more important thing?” Jace suddenly said seriously though his face lips were still curled upward in a smile.

“What important thing?” Alec frowned.

“Dr. Sable, do you think we can take mom home now?” Jace asked Ollie and Maryse threw Alec a panicked look.

“She’s still under treatment. Alec and I were doing some therapies together with her. But she can go home only if you get her here for sessions. Alec needs to come too. And I think it’d be better if you and Isabelle can also join. I’m sure it will help all of you.” Oliver or Ollie that he had slowly become to Maryse and Alec said in a tone of true professionalism.

“Great… we’ll make sure the sessions go on. We will bring her and Alec here and we will come too. So we can take her home?” Izzy confirmed. Oliver and Jace nodded. Maryse still looked scared and panicked.

“Now, mom, you tell us where you wanna go. Jace and I share a new house. We don’t live in the old place anymore. Though, we still have it. You need to tell us what to do with that. After all, it was your home. Jace wanted to bring it down. I thought it was better to wait for you to take a decision.” Izzy babbled. Maryse seemed in thought.

“Yeah, she spends the most night at her boyfriend’s place… I need you to not approve him, mom… everybody seems to like him… there’s plenty of space you’ll have…” Jace started and Izzy scowled at him. Maryse seemed confused. Magnus and Alec chuckled at Jace.

“He spends nights at his girlfriend’s place, mom… with her mother sleeping the floor below…” Izzy bellowed at Maryse who got startled at the protest. Obviously, she wasn’t used to seeing them bickering like kids. Izzy turned to Jace, “See… I like Clary… I wouldn’t ask something like that from mom. Simon is a good man, you know that. Stop being a weirdo.” And they were fighting and bickering continuously about who is better between Simon and Clary. Magnus followed Alec and Maryse. They were looking at Jace and Izzy and then at each other. Their eyes softened, trying to catch up with life coming back to them again.

 

**172 – Life is… not what you think it is**

“Okay, okay, okay, shut it you both…” Magnus laughed and got in between them, “Shush now. And get back to the point.”

“Yes, okay… right…” Izzy breathed, “Or… you can live with Alec…” she tilted her head with a devious smile. Magnus and Alec stopped laughing on cue.

“No…” Maryse protested the next moment, “God no… I’m sure Alec and Magnus live together. I wouldn’t… No… Never…” she was red from embarrassment. Magnus bowed his head down. Alec shot daggers at her with his look, “I’d rather go with Izzy and Jace.”

“That settled then. Now about the business,” Jace started in a serious tone again. This time Alec looked panicked. “Weirdly, before Robert was arrested he still had the business under his name. He never changed it even though I took over the business. So eventually after he was arrested, the business was ruled to be inherited by the true heir. Since Izzy and I had a sudden idea that you may not be dead… you still inherit the business, Alec… it’s yours. Izzy and I only acted as caretakers. The Lightwood Enterprise is still in your name, Alec.” Jace and others gazed at Alec who sat still, not even blinking.

“And… the Bane Corp. … I’m happy to tell you that something like that happened to that company too.” Magnus turned to Jace shocked, “When your parents died, Robert had hoped to take over the company, earn everything from it. But your father had given you the power of attorney which never was invoked because you were underage. Robert had thought he would be able to hide that little information and take over the business but it never happened. After his arrest, I didn’t let anyone touch that account. The Bane Corp. is still yours, Magnus. And since we found you, I’ve made all the necessary documents to give it back to you. And for what Robert did… mind you, he’s put a big dent in the sum… you can always make us pay the penalty.” Jace looked up to see Alec and Magnus were staring at him and blinking rapidly to believe what he just said, “Now it’s on both of you… what to do with the businesses.”

 

The silence stretched in the room for so long that it felt truly awkward. Alec and Magnus were speechless. Never even in their wildest dreams they ever thought of something like that. Jace was worried that maybe it was too much for one day; maybe he’d stunned his brother and his boyfriend to oblivion. It wasn’t a comfortable thought. Magnus was the one who broke the silence first.

“Jace… I didn’t know why I had to lose my parents. I only knew that I just did. One day they were there and I was happy living in my bubble of a perfect, happy home and the next day it was gone.” Magnus kept his eyes trained on Jace, “Since then I learned that life is not a bed of roses. If there is a rose there have to be some thorns hiding just underneath. Life is not a stroll in the garden. We have to fight for everything, earn everything. And I did.” He reached out to hold Alec’s hand.

“I became what I am today on my own. I started with nothing but just a few friends who believed in me. I had a passion and a dream and I never lost sight of that. I become this on my own. BANE doesn’t have a turnover like Bane corp. but it’s still mine. It’s my achievement. I fought for this. I own it. And I’m proud of it. I’m proud of who I am, what I’ve achieved. People know me for me. I never believed in inheritance. Dad and I used to joke about that. So probably whatever happened was for good. I’d rather if you have Bane corp. I’ll sign it over to you… to someone who’s worthy… to someone who has taken care of it for so long… to someone who understands the business. In the paper, it might be mine, but it was never mine. When I let Robert have it, I let it go then only. I never wanted it back. I don’t want it back now either. I know you can do it, Jace. Bane corp. is yours.” Magnus’s voice was firm and positive. There was no resentment in his words, tone or voice.

His little speech brought Alec out of his trance. “Magnus is right. Lightwood Enterprise was never mine. Dad always wanted to give it to you. I had my own dream. And I knew you were the perfect one for the business. You always showed that finesse. I’d be a fool to take it away from you now. That business was always yours and always will be. It’s not mine.” He smiled at Jace, a true, genuine one before turning to look at Magnus. And he just knew what Magnus was thinking. “I guess whenever you want, just let us know. We’ll sign all the documents and complete all the processes so that you can have it all legally. You don’t deserve to be a caretaker. It’s time you achieve it, claim what is rightfully yours. And I’m sure you’ll make us proud.”

“And don’t even think I’ll sue you or make you pay penalties. For heaven’s sake, you’ve got Ragnor as your legal advisor and Alec as your brother. I don’t have extra heads on my shoulder to make that kind of mistake.” Magnus scoffed jokingly making everyone laugh with him.

“So it’s settled that mom will go with you both…” Maryse nodded in affirmation, “We’ll still do the sessions and visit each other…” everybody else nodded, “And the business problems are solved…” again everybody nodded, “Do we have anything else left for today? Because I’m definitely hungry now,” Alec asked. Jace almost nodded in reflex but caught himself in last moment. He shook his head like others concluding their family drama for the day.

“Ummm, Maryse still needs to be here now. I’ll make arrangements for the discharge. Then you can take her home. Hopefully, Maryse will be home by the weekend.” Oliver finally said. They had definitely forgotten him.

“Thanks, Ollie. Thanks for everything.” Alec went to embrace him. The moment he stood up though he winced in pain. Magnus shot him a glare which he returned with a lopsided smile.

“You don’t have to thank me, Alec. It was my job. And it was a pleasure to get to know you. I’ll see you later.” Oliver smiled at Magnus too which he returned with a slight smile and a nod. One by one everybody got up from the floor. Magnus helped Maryse.

“Magnus, I know after all these years, my apology won’t mean anything now. But I am sorry. Maybe if I hadn’t…” Maryse had held Magnus’s hand while talking.

“Maryse… don’t. I’ve put it in the past. It’s not something I wanna talk about now. Maybe some other day… but you don’t have to apologize. You couldn’t have predicted the outcome. It was impossible and maybe inevitable. I told Alec the same. I’ll tell you the same too. It wasn’t your fault. I never blamed any of you. And I mean it.” Magnus hugged Maryse in return after he spoke. Maryse was in tears again.

“You truly are a great man. Alec told me a lot about you but it’s good to see you by myself. I see you’ve turned out… great…” she swallowed once hesitating, “I don’t know about Alec though. He still hides behind a glass wall like he used to before. You can see through it but you can’t reach it or help. I don’t know how he is or how… he’s coping with everything. He wasn’t in a good situation when he met me throughout the last week. He wouldn’t say much but I could see something bothered him. But today, he seemed better. He has that sparkle back in his eyes. I guess it’s about you. So, as a mother, I just want to request that take care of him, please… take care of my boy.” A lone tear tumbled out of Maryse’s eyes and Magnus closed her in another hug.

“Always, Maryse… I promise you I’ll always be there for him.” Magnus murmured in her hair. He didn’t see that Alec was right behind him and heard everything.

Alec was emotional again when he heard his mother and Magnus. His mother held his hand from behind Magnus, brushing her thumb on his knuckles and he knew what she meant. The unspoken conversation worked and they both smiled.

“Now forgive me for being such a mom but I’m old fashioned still. Get married soon and give me some grandkids. I missed all your childhood. I’m not gonna miss on some grandchildren.” She said as she broke out of the hug. Alec groaned loudly hiding behind Magnus suddenly wrapping his arms around the man from behind. Alec hugging him from behind didn’t leave Magnus a place to hide. He just stood timidly with red blushing face and smiling shyly.

 

**173 – You're everything I need and more**

They had a lot of questions for each other. There was a need to get to know each other more. There was a need to show that all of them care for each other, what they mean to each other. And an extended lunch was a really good plan.

Alec tried to satisfy everyone as much as possible. Answering Izzy and Jace was exhausting. They talked to Magnus too. Alec soon realized Izzy and Magnus were really fond of each other. They were together for planning the wedding. He was actually happy that his siblings and the man he loves were accepting each other, loving each other. He couldn’t believe his luck that he was having it all. It was still a surreal feeling.

 

That night when Alec came out of the shower and gone to bed, Magnus was already lying down with half-open eyes and tired smile. It was an exhausting day for him too. Alec lay down beside but didn’t touch Magnus. After a few moments, Magnus looked at him as if he was expecting to be touched. Alec needed to talk to him. He knew they both needed to talk. After talking to everyone, Alec felt light. He knew that people wouldn’t understand everything in one go but it was okay. He finally felt some satisfaction and clarity. But Magnus didn’t share much. Alec needed to know what happened that night. Why Magnus left him like that.

“What’s wrong?” Magnus’s voice brought Alec back from his thoughts. He didn’t even notice when Magnus straddled him and was leaning down rubbing their hips. Alec closed his eyes in a silent moan and held Magnus’s hips to stop him.

“Magnus… don’t…”

“Why?” the man above him whined, “Don’t you want me?” Magnus leaned down so their chests were pressing together. He kissed some light kisses on his cheeks.

“Mags… I think… we should… talk…” Alec stuttered.

“About what?” Magnus whispered in between kisses that peppered at his jaw, going down, “I thought we are good.”

“I still want to know what happened that night, Mags… why… you… Ahh” Alec suddenly whimpered as Magnus’s teeth made a sudden attack. But it was gone right after. Magnus had sat upon him on his knees again.

“Is it that important to you?” Magnus looked worried and annoyed.

“Isn’t it to you?” Alec gazed at him but his fingers traced over the lines of Magnus’s abs.

“Can we talk later?” Magnus cocked his head.

“You promise me?” Alec mimicked him.

“I promise,” Magnus whispered and leaned down again. This time he captured Alec’s lips ending the discussion. In between the haze of lust, Alec realized Magnus was still not ready to talk about it. If only he’d understand why!

 

They lay naked, sweating and wide awake side by side at some time in the middle of the night. Their tiredness and sleep were gone. They both were very much aware of each other’s racing mind. They both knew what bothered them, what they needed to clear out before they can fully dissolve into each other. Three rounds they had already tried and none could reach the ecstasy they both knew they can deliver to each other. It was ridiculous and frankly frustrating. They both were still rock hard, breathless, uncomfortable, sensitive and tingling everywhere, adrenaline still rushing through them. Alec was just wondering how to speak and what when Magnus suddenly sat upright.

“Okay, that’s it… get up.” Magnus took Alec’s elbow and helped him up. Alec sat with leaning back on the headboard and legs stretched out front. Magnus swiftly straddled him sitting on his lap. Alec had his arms around Magnus’s waist to hold him steady and Magnus laid his hands on Alec’s shoulder.

“I’m sorry. I just don’t… I have no idea… what’s wrong…” Alec stuttered and panted closing his eyes and leaning his head on Magnus’s shoulder.

“I know what’s wrong.” Magnus leaned back so Alec looked up. They gazed into each other’s eyes until Magnus sighed, “You wanna talk… let’s talk. You’re hyperactive because your mind isn’t clear. So you can’t concentrate on me or my lips or my… you know.”

Alec found himself blushing to the roots. And it didn’t help that Magnus was blushing too as he said the last few words. Damn it’s so not the time for dirty talking. They needed to talk about real things, not that their hard cocks weren’t real. Alec had to mentally chastise himself. Magnus on his lap, naked and the skin to skin contact wasn’t helping him much.

“Okay, go on. Ask me.” Magnus settled down.

“Why… Umm, why did you leave that day? What did I do? Did I say something wrong? Why did you leave me like that? I mean, I get it I made a mistake. I should’ve told you about inviting David. But I didn’t because I wanted to surprise you and Cat. I thought I’d invite her and Ragnor over dinner and then show you the collection. I didn’t know he’d do something like that. And I love you, Magnus. I meant it whenever I said it. I only love you. David was never more for me. It’s you. You are my “more”. Did you really think I was cheating on you? Did you think I could cheat on you? Is that what you think of me, a cheater… a liar?” Alec was suddenly hysterical, his insecurities flood him again. With wild and fearful eyes Alec gazed at Magnus that made his heart skip a beat.

“No, no, no… Alec… Alexander… I’m sorry, okay? I know I doubted you for a minute and I’m really sorry about that. I should’ve known better that you wouldn’t be like that. I knew you wouldn’t cheat on me, trust me I do. I know you’d never hurt me knowingly. But it was a moment and I… I just lost my senses. And then you just let me go…”

“I let you go?” Alec looked at him shocked, “When did I let you go?”

“You didn’t stop me.”

“I didn’t stop you? I asked you to tell me what else I can do.”

“Yeah… and you also asked me if I want you to stop me.”

“You didn’t give me a reason why you were suddenly leaving me for a whole weekend. Space for drawing and equipment were never a problem for you to draw here. I could see it was a feeble excuse, Mags. I think I have enough experience to recognize when someone wants to just run away. And you just told me to take care of myself.”

“You told me that first. I was just being polite.”

“To hell with your politeness, Mags… Just scream and yell at me next time whenever you feel like and I wouldn’t mind. I told you I’d wait for you forever if it needs. I begged you to not do that to us. Wasn’t that enough?”

“You gave me an ultimatum… you said if I walk out on you then…”

“You were leaving me, Magnus… do you understand that? You were leaving me. And I had no idea why. I had to do something. I had to say something and forgive me if my brain wasn’t working at that moment. I was seeing the man I love leaving me without giving me a reason. I thought it’d infuriate you or something and you’d stay to do something. But you just silently left. It hurt, Mags. It really hurt. At least you could’ve just told me why… why you abandoned me like that.”

Alec broke down in tears. He hugged Magnus and hid his face in the crook of caramel neck. Magnus needed that reality check. He needed to see how much he had hurt Alec when he let his own insecurity seep between them. He let Alec cry.

 

“You know, my parents met in high school. They fell in love, they got married, they had me and then they founded the business together… It was a fairytale story. But it was too fast. It was way too fast. They didn’t pause to breathe. They didn’t wait and see if the other in the relationship was happy or not… satisfied or not. You know, in a relationship, both satisfaction matters, sexual and mental. Ultimately, they received none from each other. Dad was always busy in work and mom in her world. They made a lot of mistakes. But the biggest of ’em all was assuming that the other was happy. They didn’t communicate with each other. They didn’t tell each other what they wanted… what they needed… what they desired. Just because Dad didn’t have an affair doesn’t mean he was any better. I hardly ever saw him. He was always busy with work. He seldom had time for us. He just wanted to be a very successful businessman. I guess that’s what led mom to seek satisfaction from others. Mom went out ’cause Dad neglected her, ignored her. Dad chased his dream and didn’t pay attention. That’s what got them in trouble.” He paused to breathe.

“It wasn’t just one-time thing. It wasn’t just only Robert. Her… you know… she used to invite them at home. She used to use their bedroom, dad and hers. She used to do it right at the place that was supposed be only ours. And you know where I made the mistake?” Magnus shuddered at the memories, “I made the mistake of finding her… not once but many times… and still didn’t talk to dad. I was so naïve and ignorant that I didn’t even be bothered with it. Only later I realized I could’ve probably helped them, changed it… saved them.” He sniffed.

“It took me years to accept that I couldn’t. It was always up to them and they didn’t help each other. I couldn’t have done anything except live with blaming myself. I hated that feeling for years. And seeing David there… at our home… you talking about your and his past… I don’t know why I suddenly remembered all that. All those feelings… Meeting Robert for the first time at home when dad wasn’t there… everything just suddenly came… and I was overwhelmed… I was just overwhelmed, Alexander. I wanted to see if you’re lying to me like mom did… I thought it’d make things better if I catch you lying. But obviously, you aren’t like my mom… you aren’t like your dad… you are you… you are my Alexander… and you didn’t lie to me, not a single word… And I didn’t know what to do with all that… so I just…” Magnus hugged Alec closer and let it all out. He let his every insecurity out, “I saw Robert many times coming to meet mom and I turned a blind eye to it. I guess it’s a blessing that you don’t look like your dad but your mom. It’s a really, really good thing.” He chuckled through tears.

Magnus knew he wasn’t explaining much or making much sense. But he knew Alec would understand him and appreciate it. He knew it was a start and Alec would always be by him and support him. For the first time in a long time, he felt safe confessing his demons. Alec, his love… made him feel safe, home… finally.

“Do you wanna… continue?” Alec suddenly asked looking down between them at their hard erect.

And Magnus just closed his eyes and laughed. He actually threw his head back and fell into a mind-blowing laugh. Only Alec would say something like that right after a very serious conversation like that. Damn Alec knew how to handle him well. He only kissed Alec as his answer. Alec tipped him back happily and continued from where they had left. And this time it was a definite success.

 

**174 – What are you waiting for?**

The whole Tuesday they spent together. Magnus turned off his phone. Alec didn’t care much except he made a call to let Oliver know that he won’t be going for the session. Oliver was not happy but Alec didn’t care about that either.

They spend the whole morning talking. Magnus talked about his past, his parents, his family life, his struggle, his career as a dancer, then finding himself again in the path of fashion, founding BANE with help of Ragnor. He talked about his insecurities too. He talked about recent things in their life such as the time he spent with everyone at the hospital when Alec was in coma, how Michael risked everything to save him. They didn’t talk about the cemetery incident. Magnus was somewhat relieved for that. He didn’t want to go there that soon. After all, they were still learning things about each other, getting to know each other.

Alec talked about Jace and how he was brought into the family. He talked about Max and Izzy, all the good memories. Magnus didn’t dare to ask about being dead for 9 minutes thing. He talked about finding Michael and Lydia, about finding Madzie and loving her instantly, the funny incidents at Michael and Lydia’s wedding. He finally gave in and told about what he did on that Saturday too, going to meet Robert and then finding Maryse.

The whole time they didn’t feel the urge to hide anything anymore. The truth came out of them easily. They didn’t worry about hurting each other with anything. They just knew that they’ll always expect the other to tell the truth and appreciate it no matter how hard they are. They knew they had reached that stage of their relationship where they were just comfortable with each other and had accepted each other with all the baggage, all the ugly truths, all the nasty pasts, where there was no doubt of leaving or having misconceptions. They just knew that they’ll stick together, no matter what.

 

It was already night-time when they found themselves in the balcony, wrapped together in Magnus’s fancy silk bedcover after just finishing a huge portion of Chinese takeout. It wasn’t the point that they both were naked underneath. Magnus made a face at first but they still enjoyed wine from Alec’s collection. Thanks to David, they had a lot to finish. And also Alec had finished half of Magnus’s Vermouth. He was shocked to see how much Alec had drunk when they were apart and told Alec that he himself had also consumed somewhat same.

Alec was sitting in the lounge chair and Magnus was in between his legs with his bare back pressed to Alec’s bare chest. Magnus took Alec’s hand into his playing with his fingers. They put on some music but still enjoyed the silence together. They had completely given themselves to the other. They were closer physically and mentally. They understood each other better. Alec was mindlessly humming to the tune when Magnus broke the silence gazing at Alec’s hands.

“Was Maryse referring to something when she joked about us getting married?”

Alec was suddenly pulled out of serenity by the importance of the question. Magnus tilted his head to look at Alec who gulped remembering Maryse’s look. He didn’t think Magnus had noticed that too. “Umm… you think there was?”

“I don’t know. I just had a feeling you know. She just said it so suddenly as if she knew something. She told me to take care of you. I don’t know, maybe I’m thinking too much but it sounded like she was giving you to me you know, like giving me permission or something.” Magnus shrugged.

“Umm… you wanna marry me?” Alec asked suddenly, not knowing what to feel.

“Uh… I mean… I love you… I really do… but…” Magnus was a stuttering mess.

Alec took mercy, “It is okay, Mags. I was joking.” He laughed silently and pressed a kiss at Magnus’s temple.

Magnus gave a scowl but turned back at his hands again. “I never saw this ring before. And you’ve been wearing it since Sunday…”

“Took you long enough to ask…”

“What is it then? It looks kinda… old…”

“Mum had it, saved it for me, hoping someday I’ll come back for it.” Alec peered over Magnus’s shoulder to look at their joined hands, “Gave it to me last week.”

“So it’s a family ring?” Magnus made it sound like a question than a statement.

“No. It has nothing to do with my family.” Alec chuckled.

“What is it then?” Magnus turned in Alec’s embrace sidewise so he could look at Alec properly. Alec pulled up his uninjured knee and Magnus rested his back on it and pulled up his knees so their hands lay in Magnus’s lap.

“It’s what I bought with my first income.” Alec gazed at it fondly.

“First income,” Magnus arched an eyebrow questioning. Alec’s eyes expressed enough for him to realize that it had many memories with it.

“Archery competition, the one and only competition I ever participated and won. I got some prize money from it. Jace and Izzy knew about it but mum and dad didn’t. I couldn’t bring the money back home. So I bought this ring and kept it with me always. Later though mum found out. When I left home, I don’t know why but I left it to her. Maybe I also had hoped that I’d be able to go back someday and have it back again. It took me long enough. And it still fits.” Alec saw how Magnus brushed a finger over the ring on his right-hand ring finger.

“It’s beautiful, Alec. The design… I’ve never seen anything so simple but unique.” Magnus smiled at the ring and then at Alec, “It looks like the sign of infinity. But the design is also very similar to a simple golden mask though.”

“Funny you said that,” Alec chuckled. Magnus frowned at him, “I had the same ideas when I saw it the first time. So I named it ‘the mask’. I’ve always lived in hiding, from everything or everyone. So the mask seemed quite fitting with my life. I always used to wear a mask and pretend. This ring was like a reflector to that.”

“You don’t have to hide anymore, Alexander. No more mask, not with me.” Magnus placed his hands on his cheeks stroking them lightly. Alec closed his eyes and sighed contently.

“I know, Mags. No more hiding. No more masks. No more pretending. I promise.” Alec opened his eyes to see Magnus smiling at him brightly and then gave him a soft kiss.

Magnus didn’t realize the song until Alec started to sing it in his ears, more like loud humming. He suddenly got up and rushed into the room and came back with Alec’s guitar.

“What now?” Alec was bewildered when Magnus gave him the guitar. Incidentally, they hadn’t turned on any light inside so the place was really dark. The only light was from the street lights through the balcony which wasn’t too strong. So it created a very soft romantic setup.

“Sing me a song,” Magnus demanded and Alec frowned. So Magnus sat in his lap again, “Sing a song… only for me… for my ears only…” he whispered sensually in Alec’s ear which made all the hair at his neck stand up.

Alec put the guitar aside and pulled Magnus up to him as they were sitting like before, back to front. He put the guitar in Magnus’s lap and held it from behind. Magnus was shocked how Alec could play with him in between. Alec’s chin rested on Magnus’s shoulder keeping his lips right beside his ears.

_“You're the light, you're the night_

_You're the color of my blood_

_You're the cure, you're the pain_

_You're the only thing I wanna touch_

_Never knew that it could mean so much, so much_

_You're the fear, I don't care_

_'Cause I've never been so high_

_Follow me to the dark_

_Let me take you past our satellites_

_You can see the world you brought to life, to life…”_

Magnus wasn’t sure if it was to tease him or what, Alec didn’t exactly sing the song. He just recited the lyrics with a bit of rhythm and slow strums on the guitar.

_“Fading in, fading out_

_On the edge of paradise_

_Every inch of your skin is a holy gray I've got to find_

_Only you can set my heart on fire, on fire_

_Yeah, I'll let you set the pace_

_'Cause I'm not thinking straight_

_My head spinning around I can't see clear no more_

_What are you waiting for?_

_I'll let you set the pace_

_'Cause I'm not thinking straight_

_My head spinning around I can't see clear no more_

_What are you waiting for?”_

Alec smiled sweetly at Magnus who took the hint, let him put the guitar aside and kissed him again, passionately, lovingly, unhurriedly; giving his everything to the man he loved. Heated by the moment Alec stood up and carried Magnus to their bedroom in his arms. They continued rest of it in their bed. Somewhere in the background, Alec heard his phone alarm going off. He smiled to himself and let Magnus take over him, body and soul. 29 years of his life later, Alec was home again, loved and cherished and safe. Thankfully it was too dark there for Magnus see the tears pooling in his eyes. He let Magnus shower him with his love and care. For once he wished himself smiling, happy and content as they both came together, riding through their passionate lovemaking.

 

Magnus woke up suddenly at the crack of dawn. He didn’t know what woke him. He turned to Alec who was sleeping peacefully. He smiled at the sleeping man and took the phone from the side table. Once he turned it on it didn’t stop vibrating for the next 5 minutes with notification alerts. He skipped the emails and calls from the office and saw a couple of calls and a few messages from Izzy.

_< Wherever you are, I tried calling you. But don’t tell Alec I told you.>_

_< Tomorrow is his birthday. He’d never tell anyone willingly. I don’t know if he told you or not. I thought you should know.>_

_< BTW I got permission from Mom. We’re taking down his headstone. Tell him we’re doing it tomorrow.>_

_< Or better, don’t tell him. It’s only gonna hurt him.> _

_< Jace says if you both can come by the office tomorrow. We have the papers ready. We can finish the formality tomorrow. Also, we just want to meet him tomorrow and wish him, you know.>_

_< TTYL. Bye.>_

Magnus reread the messages and glanced at Alec. It finally dawned on him that Izzy had texted him the day before meaning it already was Alec’s birthday. He was shocked and surprised at the same time. They had midnight birthday sex and Alec didn’t even tell him, how rude!

 

A couple of hours later Alec woke up with Magnus singing happy birthday to him and a chocolate cupcake with a candle lit on it. Alec was stunned and shocked.

“So is there a reason you didn’t tell me today is your birthday?” Magnus grumbled after he made Alec blow the candle and make a wish.

“So Izzy could tell you.” Alec smirked, “She did, right? It was her, right? You guys are already sharing dirty secrets, huh?”

“Your birthday is not a dirty secret…” Magnus smirked back with a tilt of his head “Unless and until you do unspeakable dirty things.” Alec almost burst into a laugh with some cake in his mouth. He went to kiss Magnus but he was stopped by a hand on his chest, “There’s another news.” Magnus gave Alec his phone who read through the recent texts of Izzy with a deep frown.

“I guess it’s about time they did it. I’m pretty much sure it was mum’s idea. She wanted to do it since we met. So yeah… it’s okay.” Alec shrugged indifferently.

“Are you sure?” Magnus had a concerned look.

“It is empty beneath anyway, Mags. And yes, I’m sure. Now, will you let me kiss my super sexy boyfriend who wants the birthday boy to do unspeakable dirty things? Oh wait, I’m the birthday boy and you’re the boyfriend… get here now mister…” Alec grinned and grabbed Magnus by his waist and twisted and tackled him so Magnus was flat on his back and trapped under a very deviously smiling Alec. Birthday sex, round 2 was underway right after.

 

**175 – Don’t Push Me Away**

The last few months were like heaven for Magnus. He and Alec spent it together to their fullest. They finally started behaving like how a normal couple should behave, like going on dates, enjoying each other, hosting family dinners, getting to know each other more, keeping the siblings off of each other, being an unbiased mediator when the siblings fought for apparently no reason, learning to trust each other and fight occasionally just so they can have bloody mind-blowing make-up sex. It was just them being them and normal.

Maryse settled at her new home which was actually Alec’s old apartment. She was slowly getting back to life after Olli, Jace and Alec allowed her to go to the office. She was again involving herself into the business, helping Jace so Izzy could be more involved with her event-managing business. She was very proud of Izzy and Jace. When she met Clary and Simon she couldn’t help but be emotional. She really missed a lot of her kids’ life. But she loved Simon and Clary just the same. She met Michael and his family eventually. Nonetheless, that was another emotional evening for all of them.

Alec moved in with Magnus in his old loft. Maryse tried to stay with Jace and Izzy but they were away from each other too long to get used to it again. She called it off the day she found Jace and Clary being wild at the couch. Next thing she did was called Alec. Magnus was waiting to talk to Alec about his loft when this problem arose. And Alec, being the problem solver offered Maryse the apartment and decided to move to the loft with Magnus.

Even though they went back to their jobs again, Alec kept his promise. Every night they went home and had dinner together and shared their life. Magnus didn’t hope it to be so smooth between them. To show support for each other, Magnus went to the archery range and watched Alec giving lessons to kids. Magnus had demanded a lesson once which ended at them shagging at the storage shed. It wasn’t exactly pretty.

Alec recorded new songs and put them in Magnus’s playlist, always with some dedication note with it. Magnus started to go to the club again, wearing glitter, makeup and fancy clothes and he’d flirt with Alec, the sexy bartender like they used to before and dance too. It was fun times. Alec joined Magnus at many shows and after-parties of BANE. They went as a couple and Alec had a hard time to believe when people treated him like a celebrity. Magnus always ended up laughing as Alec blew them off with sassy replies.

And just like that, it was December again. As the days approached, they both realized it had been almost a whole year since everything started. They celebrated Magnus’s birthday at Pandemonium with Simon and Jace proposing to Izzy and Clary. They were planning to do a twin marriage ceremony.

In between all that, Alec had started to ride his motorcycle again. They went on long rides during the weekend. Magnus was afraid at first but since Alec told him that he was allowed to hold him from behind as tight as possible, Magnus started to fall into its charm. The definite upside was that he could put his chin on Alec’s shoulder and attack his neck without being much of a show. The final one was though seeing Alec in leather gear. Tight black leather pant, white t-shirt, black leather jacket, dark sunglass, bikers’ gloves and that stupid helmet… Magnus had internally screamed, yes, please. He was in way too much love with Biker, leather-clad Alec.

And Magnus needed to draw the line when Alec had another accident. Man, could he ever catch a break from Alec being a danger magnet, please? It was too much worry every damn time. It wasn’t that bad but it hurt Alec bad since he had twisted the same leg he was shot at.

 

In one random December evening, Alec hobbled into the kitchen after Magnus who wanted to make stir fry noodles for dinner, Magnus’s special. “Aku cinta kamu,” Alec suddenly declared.

“What? What’s that supposed to mean?” Magnus was rummaging through the fridge to find some vegetables.

“I thought you know the meaning.” Alec narrowed his eyes supporting himself on the counter.

“No. I don’t.” Magnus turned back with some beans, carrots and bell peppers in his hands, smirking.

“I think you do, Mr. Bane.” Alec pushed himself off the counter and hopped to Magnus who stood still holding the vegetables, meeting Alec’s heated gaze playfully. Alec put his hands on Magnus’s shoulder and pushed him against the fridge. Magnus dropped the vegetables to support Alec’s full support on him. Alec placed his hands under Magnus’s ears cupping his face. Magnus slid his hands around Alec’s waist to pull him against himself, rubbing each other’s body softly with swift moves of their hips. Alec stood between Magnus’s legs, their bodies flushed against each other. He held Magnus’s gaze for a moment and saw him biting his bottom lip, eyes sparkling with desire.

“You know how much I like to bite them. Don’t tempt me all the time.” Alec planted his lips on Magnus’s, “I might never stop.” It still felt like their first kiss. They could never get tired of tasting each other. It got sloppy, messy, filled with passion easily, grabbing each other’s body, hungry they licked and bit and nibbled each other’s lips. They let their tongues meet in a sensual dance of their own, earning soft, long moans that resonated through their bodies, made their blood hum in their veins and sent tingles down their spine.

“You’re a very handsome, dangerously sexy and terribly poor liar, Mr. Bane,” Alec whispered when they pulled apart to breathe, resting their foreheads against each other, eyes closed, savoring each moment.

“All yours, Mr. Lightwood” Magnus smiled sexily. “But I still don’t know what you meant.” He deadpanned.

“It means ‘I love you’.” Alec smiled too. Magnus could never get tired of hearing those words from Alec. It never became boring, the flutter in his heart never changed. And he was positive that feeling wouldn’t change for the rest of his life. He couldn’t stop his laugh anymore. He burst into a soft giggle.

Alec saw that and pouted, “Oh, I knew it. I knew you know the meaning, you pretty-face-bastard!” Alec tried to mock anger and step out of Magnus’s arms. Magnus only tightened the grip around Alec’s waist pulling him even closer, splaying his fingers on Alec’s back, feeling and caressing every muscle, every inch of his pale smooth skin and put a small kiss on Alec’s wrinkling nose tip. “Aku cinta kamu, Alexander,” they stared into each other’s eyes, smiling shy and soft.

 

“Hey, Alexander, will you promise me something?” Magnus asked suddenly all serious. Alec only gazed at him smiling, urging him to speak.

“I know we’ve been through so much. And that night when you shared your past with me… and made me share mine with you… you have no idea how honored and loved and accepted I felt… that you finally can trust me so much… to share your past with me… that I could do the same with you… that I could believe again. I know I promised you so long ago that we’ll have an eternity together… we’ll live this life together and I fully intend to keep my promise, Alexander.” Magnus looked at Alec observing his expressions, who just looked at him with huge heart-eyes.

Magnus took a breath and continued, “We’ve been through so much together and alone and life will always throw us some challenges here and there. We are now happy together doesn’t mean we won’t have one bad day in the future. But when we do, Alexander, I need you to not push me away. I need you to know that I’m with you… I’ll always be there for you. You can always talk to me because I’ll always stand by you, support you. So promise me, Alexander, when things get crazy… or not… whatever happens… you’ll not push me away. We’ll communicate and we’ll make things work. We’ll fight and get through things together. We’ll share happiness as well as all the sadness, all the good days and the bad days. Because I love you so much, Alexander… that it scares me… that I won’t be able to live without you. So whatever happens… life gets crazy… living gets harder… don’t ever push me away, Alexander, please.”

Magnus saw Alec was about to cry. He himself had a few tears slipping down his cheeks. He knew it was tears of happiness. Alec’s hands embraced around Magnus, bringing his head closer. Magnus laid his head in Alec’s shoulder nuzzling his face in the crook of his neck. They stood like that for some moment until Alec started to whisper in Magnus’s ear.

 

“Jesus, Magnus… you have no idea what you’ve done to me. I knew I have feelings for you. Actually, I was head over heels for you. And I thought I’ll suffer the rest of my life with that. I never thought I can be happy… free from my past. You’ve unlocked all my doors. You’ve brought down all my walls. And I have you to thank for that. I promise you, babe, I’ll never push you away. We will face everything in life together. Because I want to live with you, Magnus, I want to grow old with you. Hell, I want to have a family with you… my own family… our little family.” Alec was moony-eyed as Magnus suddenly looked up at him at that sentence. Magnus was momentarily surprised that Alec brought up that idea so soon “…Only if you want it… with me.” Alec just chuckled at Magnus’s expression.

Alec suddenly pushed Magnus away from him and held him at arm’s length by his upper arms as Magnus placed his hands on Alec’s wrists, looking deep in those chocolate brown eyes, “I promise you, Magnus, I’ll always be with you… I’ll always stand by you. I’ll always hold your hand and will never let you go. I’ll always support your choices and respect your decisions. You’ll always find me just by your side, walking the same path, matching steps, shoulder to shoulder, head held high. Because I plan to live the rest of my life with you. I plan to rename all my remaining breaths and after, to you.”

Alec held Magnus’s both hands in his hands and smiled shyly – that same smile that Alec somehow only showed Magnus. Happy tears filled Magnus’s eyes. But Magnus turned shocked as Alec slowly slid into one knee in front of him with some difficulty still holding his hands.

“Alexander...” Magnus tried to speak, scared of what Alec was about to do.

“Shush, Magnus. For once let me speak. I know I’m not good with words but I’m trying to do something here. So please bear with me, Babe.” Alec still smiled that shy smile, a cherry blush rose up his cheek. Alec closed his eyes and took a deep breath before opening them again and gaze into the most beautiful chocolate brown eyes that own his heart and soul.

“Mum once told me that there’s no shame in bowing before three things in life. First is in front of your God who you trust and have faith in every step of the life. Second is in front of your mother, who goes through the pain to just bring you into this world and who raises you to be the person you are. And third…” Magnus stared expectantly but Alec only closed his eyes and bowed his head down. He was silent for a while and Magnus got scared.

“And third what?” Magnus asked, “Alexander…” he prompted.

Alec’s head snapped up, hazel eyes meeting with his chocolate eyes warmly, “And third is in front of the person you love… the person with whom you want to spend your life… the person with whom you want your forever. For me… that’s you.” 

 

They had woken up in a normal morning, with a stack load of chocolate chip pancakes and candied bacon and chocolate sauce and bitter black coffee and a bunch load of sexiness and pure laughs and Ruelle’s War of Hearts playing in the background. But it turned out to be not so normal morning at all. It was a spur of a moment decision but Alec was happy in his heart that he was doing it. He had no doubts, no questions and no regrets in his mind. And also no ring. He only had a pure joy and a bit fear of Magnus’s answer.

Alec continued, “It’s the ultimate promise I can give you, Mags… my body, heart and soul… all of me. I love you, Magnus and I want to keep ‘your’ promise for life. So, Magnus Bane…” Alec gulped and cleared his throat, “Will you give me the lifelong honor of marrying me, Alexander Lightwood and just be mine so I can be yours forever?”

 

It took Alec to almost die thrice to open up to Magnus, let him in and fill his life with all the love and positivity he craved for. Alec could finally be free, happy. He could finally live, for himself and for love, for his Magnus. Magnus freed him and his soul.

Soon Alec saw Magnus’s eyes twinkling in joy and tears. He scoffed in disbelieve. Magnus slid down on his knees in front of Alec, tears running down his cheek. Alec tried to wipe them away but Magnus grabbed his neck and kissed the living daylight out of him, leaving them both breathless. Alec got his answer. Magnus found love and a family. Alec found a future.

 

They were lying on the cold kitchen floor and they didn’t mind. Alec on his back and Magnus was half on top of Alec, their legs tangled in each other. Their arms holding each other close. They had these bright, huge smiles on their face; both breathing hard after that long, deep kiss with scattered vegetable all around them and Billy Lockett’s Wide Eyed playing in the background.

Magnus shifted so he could hold Alec’s hand. He looked at Alec’s left hand. A platinum ring was shining on Alec’s long slender finger. It was Magnus’s dad’s wedding ring. Alec followed Magnus’s eyes and looked at Magnus’s hand. Alec’s own ring was glinting on Magnus’s ring finger. The gold ring was shining on Magnus’s caramel skin. Alec held Magnus’s hand, brought it up to his lips and planted a soft kiss on the ring. Magnus smiled before kissing Alec’s hand as well.

 

When they had paused between the kisses to breathe, Magnus had pulled off his pendant he started to wear since Alec pushed him enough to face his final demons. Alec had taken Magnus to take his parents’ final belongings from Valentine that Magnus had once refused to accept. Among them were also his parents’ wedding rings. Afterward, Magnus was comfortable enough to put them in a chain and wear it always. Magnus had put his dad’s ring on Alec’s finger. Alec was shocked for a moment before Magnus held both of his hands and he looked at his own hands. Of course, he had a ring to give Magnus, the mask. 

“I only got the rings back because of you. I wanted to give dad’s ring to the love of my life… to you.” Magnus murmured, staring at their joined hands.

“I didn’t know you liked mine so much.” Alec was looking at Magnus’s glowing face though.

“I love it.” Magnus looked up to meet Alec’s gaze, “But I love you more. It’s perfect. It’s all I ever wanted.”

“But I love you the most.” Alec murmured and enveloped his arms around Magnus again, pulling him close. They still lay on the floor.

“Don’t start now.” Magnus pouted and Alec laughed. Magnus could only think that Alec’s laugh was the purest sound he’s ever heard, his unbidden, careless laugh. It made Magnus laugh too.

Magnus pushed his chin out and Alec got the hint. Their lips met in another kiss filled with love, passion and promises of never letting each other go and never push the other away. They were lost, in love. In each other’s embrace, for always, infinity and beyond.

 

_**The End** _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song List (In order of appearance):  
> 1\. Shape of you (Ed Sheeran) – The last time Alec saw Magnus dancing at the club  
> 2\. I want to break free (Queen) – One morning Alec caught Magnus singing with the radio  
> 3\. Paper love (Allie X) – Magnus heard Alec first time humming  
> 4\. Monsters (Ruelle) – Alec was listening to it on his way back to the city from meeting Robert  
> 5\. Carry on my wayward son (Kansas) – Playing softly in Maryse’s room as it’s the only song she’ll listen to as it was Alec’s favorite song which he never sang or heard or mentioned since he left home  
> 6\. Don’t you worry child (Swedish House Mafia) – On Maryse’s request Alec sang to her at their first meet  
> 7\. Alone (Halsey) – On the radio when Alec was coming home after confessing Maryse about Magnus being his love  
> 8\. Beautiful in white (Shane Filan/ Westlife) – Catarina and Ragnor’s wedding song sung by Alec live as a special request, the first dance of the couple  
> 9\. In my blood (Shawn Mendes) – Alec sang for Jace and Izzy asking for help  
> 10\. Say something (A great big world)– Alec sang for Magnus as the final goodbye  
> 11\. Stand by me (John Lennon) – Jace and Izzy’s apology  
> 12\. I don’t wanna live forever (Zayn and Taylor Swift) – Starts as Magnus’s apology, Alec finishes  
> 13\. Finally found you (Enrique Iglesias) – Happy dance for all, Magnus and Alec reunited  
> 14\. A thousand years (Christina Perry) – Final song of the Catarina and Ragnor wedding  
> 15\. Love me like you do (Ellie Goulding) – Magnus’s request, reconciliation and to new memories  
> 16\. Wide eyes (Billy Lockett) - Song on the background to which Alec proposed Magnus for marriage
> 
> Comments and Kudos are always appreciated.

**Author's Note:**

> As I've requested to the readers on Instagram to have patience and be open-minded with this story, I'll request the same here too.
> 
> There are some editing changes here than the one posted on Instagram as the last and final editing was done before posting the story here.  
> Please leave comments if you want to. They are very much appreciated.  
> The tag for this story in Instagram is - #DontPushMeAwayFF


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